O
Ophoe
Guest
So I’ve mentioned in other posts that I have a lot of anxiety, sometimes to the point of scrupulosity. I’m trying to manage that, and one result is that I’m kind of nervous to tell myself something is sinful because of my tendency to be overly anxious about sin. On one hand, this has given me a lot of peace where beforehand I was plagued with worries about sin and guilt, as well as very guilty feelings when I felt I had rebelled against God.
But, having been on my guard for awhile against being scrupulous (and knowing from experience I still have that tendency if I don’t watch it), I still keep wondering whether sometimes my anxieties could result in sin. For those who don’t know, I am a non-Catholic attending a Catholic institution, but friendly to Catholicism.
The basic story (the one that has been the subject of many of my worries since the beginning of last school year) is this. I have never had “that one close friend” that it seems so many people have, and at least since my teenage years have wished I did. I always wished I had a friend I was close enough to to share my troubles and worries with. I’m also a somewhat shy person when it comes to new situations, although I warm up once I know people. I don’t tend to make many close friends.
In the fall of '09, I transferred to a Catholic school and prepared to live on-campus for the first time, as a sophomore. I and the girl assigned to be my roommate were both last-minute applicants and hit it off right away. Of course I was excited and (silly or not) decided I wanted to try to develop a friendship with her. We did indeed grow to be close friends, but my second semester I was unexpectedly slammed with worries over this new friendship. I remembered that, in the past, I had emotionally disconnected from people I had grown fond of (because of anxiety over new situations) and felt that this endangered my friendship with my roommate. I was afraid I would do the same thing with her as well. The result was a dogged determination not to do so, and a growing fear of replacing her like I felt I had done in the past. It is true that I probably needed to learn some maturity in the way I maintain friendships, and in his goodness it seems God allowed me to learn this lesson, even though my anxiety was far too high for the circumstances. In any case, though I managed to finally get over that fear, it seems it has continued to linger in some way ever since then, because a large portion of my worries in some way involve my friendship with her. I have begun also to worry about how important my friendship with her is to me, from wondering if I’m outright obsessed to feeling it’s just the result of anxiety that I have to slowly learn to manage…to wondering if I am guilty of idolatry.
I have told myself that, as far as my affection for her goes, I am not guilty of idolatry. I have also striven to bring my friendship with her in prayer to God and ask that it glorify him. In my prayers I have both given myself to him and given this friendship to him, and every time I am afraid of idolatry, I tell him that’s the last thing I want and strive to make him more important to me (maybe I am relying too much on my own power?). I even ask him to show me if I really am in denial and in some way allowing this friendship to get in the way of my relationship with Him.
I don’t think my willful attitude is idolatry, and I don’t think the friendship itself is idolatrous (I hope not…), but I am afraid that in certain respects I might be guilty of idolatry. That’s because, every time I feel like I need to move forward spiritually, I’m afraid of getting farther spiritually than she is and losing interest in our friendship. For instance, last semester I thought I should pray for people in my life that would help me spiritually, but I was afraid to really earnestly pray for it because I was afraid I would become more fond of those friends than her and see her as not “spiritual” enough. It’s true that we don’t talk a lot to one another about our faith (though we do sometimes), something I want to change (after all, it’s the greatest thing we share in common!), but I know she has some things that trip her up in her life, and I just keep wondering if the inevitable result of my seeking to further my own spiritual life will be moving on from being this close to her. When I look at that fear, sometimes it seems like blatant idolatry and I’m ashamed. Willfully, I can make myself do what it takes, but do I need a deeper conversion than that?
And then I’m also afraid that if I try to start praying with her and discussing our faith and struggles, I will be feeding my idolatry with the excuse that I am furthering my faith. Yet I know that somewhere that desire to not only grow but seek to grow with her is a good one, as well. I guess I feel like if I refuse to let go of this friendship, I will be holding myself back spiritually because I will not be as emotionally open to spiritual growth with others lest I lose interest in my friendship with her.
My question, I guess (any priests out there?) is, first of all, whether this is clearly a case of idolatry, even is I do struggle with anxiety? If so, clearly merely forcing myself to give it to God hasn’t fully taken care of the problem…what should I do to make sure my spiritual life has the priority it should have? And, if it’s not clearly a case of idolatry, should I talk to the chaplain in my hall or go to the school counseling office…is it a case of spiritual guidance or anxiety management? If I am neglecting my life with God for a temporal good (idolatry), I want to do something about it but clearly can’t do it alone. But if it’s merely anxiety that’s getting in the way like it so often does, I need to do something about it too. Can my anxiety cause me to be idolatrous?
But, having been on my guard for awhile against being scrupulous (and knowing from experience I still have that tendency if I don’t watch it), I still keep wondering whether sometimes my anxieties could result in sin. For those who don’t know, I am a non-Catholic attending a Catholic institution, but friendly to Catholicism.
The basic story (the one that has been the subject of many of my worries since the beginning of last school year) is this. I have never had “that one close friend” that it seems so many people have, and at least since my teenage years have wished I did. I always wished I had a friend I was close enough to to share my troubles and worries with. I’m also a somewhat shy person when it comes to new situations, although I warm up once I know people. I don’t tend to make many close friends.
In the fall of '09, I transferred to a Catholic school and prepared to live on-campus for the first time, as a sophomore. I and the girl assigned to be my roommate were both last-minute applicants and hit it off right away. Of course I was excited and (silly or not) decided I wanted to try to develop a friendship with her. We did indeed grow to be close friends, but my second semester I was unexpectedly slammed with worries over this new friendship. I remembered that, in the past, I had emotionally disconnected from people I had grown fond of (because of anxiety over new situations) and felt that this endangered my friendship with my roommate. I was afraid I would do the same thing with her as well. The result was a dogged determination not to do so, and a growing fear of replacing her like I felt I had done in the past. It is true that I probably needed to learn some maturity in the way I maintain friendships, and in his goodness it seems God allowed me to learn this lesson, even though my anxiety was far too high for the circumstances. In any case, though I managed to finally get over that fear, it seems it has continued to linger in some way ever since then, because a large portion of my worries in some way involve my friendship with her. I have begun also to worry about how important my friendship with her is to me, from wondering if I’m outright obsessed to feeling it’s just the result of anxiety that I have to slowly learn to manage…to wondering if I am guilty of idolatry.
I have told myself that, as far as my affection for her goes, I am not guilty of idolatry. I have also striven to bring my friendship with her in prayer to God and ask that it glorify him. In my prayers I have both given myself to him and given this friendship to him, and every time I am afraid of idolatry, I tell him that’s the last thing I want and strive to make him more important to me (maybe I am relying too much on my own power?). I even ask him to show me if I really am in denial and in some way allowing this friendship to get in the way of my relationship with Him.
I don’t think my willful attitude is idolatry, and I don’t think the friendship itself is idolatrous (I hope not…), but I am afraid that in certain respects I might be guilty of idolatry. That’s because, every time I feel like I need to move forward spiritually, I’m afraid of getting farther spiritually than she is and losing interest in our friendship. For instance, last semester I thought I should pray for people in my life that would help me spiritually, but I was afraid to really earnestly pray for it because I was afraid I would become more fond of those friends than her and see her as not “spiritual” enough. It’s true that we don’t talk a lot to one another about our faith (though we do sometimes), something I want to change (after all, it’s the greatest thing we share in common!), but I know she has some things that trip her up in her life, and I just keep wondering if the inevitable result of my seeking to further my own spiritual life will be moving on from being this close to her. When I look at that fear, sometimes it seems like blatant idolatry and I’m ashamed. Willfully, I can make myself do what it takes, but do I need a deeper conversion than that?
And then I’m also afraid that if I try to start praying with her and discussing our faith and struggles, I will be feeding my idolatry with the excuse that I am furthering my faith. Yet I know that somewhere that desire to not only grow but seek to grow with her is a good one, as well. I guess I feel like if I refuse to let go of this friendship, I will be holding myself back spiritually because I will not be as emotionally open to spiritual growth with others lest I lose interest in my friendship with her.
My question, I guess (any priests out there?) is, first of all, whether this is clearly a case of idolatry, even is I do struggle with anxiety? If so, clearly merely forcing myself to give it to God hasn’t fully taken care of the problem…what should I do to make sure my spiritual life has the priority it should have? And, if it’s not clearly a case of idolatry, should I talk to the chaplain in my hall or go to the school counseling office…is it a case of spiritual guidance or anxiety management? If I am neglecting my life with God for a temporal good (idolatry), I want to do something about it but clearly can’t do it alone. But if it’s merely anxiety that’s getting in the way like it so often does, I need to do something about it too. Can my anxiety cause me to be idolatrous?