What do I do if I live with a monster?

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coolduude

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Hi all,
To cut to the chase, my grandmother is crazy.
We live with her, and she will “blow up” around the holidays. Today she went completely nuts, yelling at my mom all morning.
We usually have people over for Thanksgiving, but she canceled this year out of anger at my mom.
This isn’t the first time she’s went up, though. It has happened numorus times in the past.
I’m said I’m used to it, but my mom said “there’s something wrong with that”. She has a point.
What do I do in this situation? Let it fizzle out, or intervene?
We cannot kick her out because we don’t have enough money to do so. This situation is really depressing because I think of my friends who don’t have to go through this. 😦
Any advice would be great!
 
**First thing is to stop viewing your own grandmother as a monster:tsktsk: That definitely doesn’t show any respect.

Now, as for her behaviors, it’s not your place to intervene (unless someone is about to get physically injured). It is up to one or both of your parents to sort out their relationship with whoever’s mother this is.

How is YOUR relationship with your grandmother?

Best thing you can do is pray for her. If she has some sort of mental illness, hopefully she can get help. If she is just a mean or manipulative person then she needs your prayers even more.**
 
If you are old enough to move out on your own, then you should. If you are old enough but do not have the resources, maybe it’s time to consider acquiring those. You and a buddy can always find a cheap place. The stress of one less person in the house could be helpful.

If you are underage, you don’t have a lot of choices at this time. Pray of course. See if you can help out by not causing your mom any grief as she has enough already. Without sacrificing high school and your grades, see if you can find a part time job to “help out” on your expenses. Join clubs at school, study at school, stay out of the way and out of the house as much as possible, within your mother’s rules for curfew. Take on your own chores, and don’t wait to be asked to do the ones you’re assigned. You have NO idea what a big help that is.

Either way, even if Grandma is a monster, she is still your grandmother. A little respect, please. It is up to Mom (and Dad? Is there a dad in the house?) to solve this one.
 
cooldude, remember all those prayers you shared with Malia in the “I need a hug thread”? Take refuge in those to start with. Next, well, follow OutInChicagoBurbs advice, it is sound and well worth it.

Now, if you can, suggest your Grandma get some blood work done with her annual physical and check her thyroid levels, this gland if it is not working right can cause some severe personality problems including the blowing up part! Beyond suggesting, you can do nothing else ;).

Remember to pray for Grandma, normal people do not “just blow up”, pray for help in your coping with her and your other family members of your family.

Brenda V.
 
Why does she “blow up” around the holidays? Has she always? Are there bad/sad memories for her that she has a difficult time dealing with? Holidays can be painful for some people. She may not be able to express that to you and reacts instead by becoming angry.
 
February said:
Why does she “blow up” around the holidays? Has she always? Are there bad/sad memories for her that she has a difficult time dealing with? Holidays can be painful for some people. She may not be able to express that to you and reacts instead by becoming angry.
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Yes, she has always “blown up” around the holidays. My mom can recall some bad holiday memories. She has told me that she dreaded the holidays for because her own mom would yell at her. I’m pretty sure there were no bad expirences with my grandmother’s past holidays.

To the rest- Our family is pretty sure she has some sort of mental illnes, but we don’t know what. (Bipolar?) It has been brought up that she get treatment, but she refuses to go.
She has alienated almost everybody around her, except for us.
My dad is present, but he tries to stay out of things because it’s not his mom. When he does get involved, it makes the situation only worse. (My grandmother and dad hate each other).
If this were a husband/wife dispute, this conflict would be classified as “verbal abuse”.
I call my grandmother a monster because she turns into one when she yells like this. It gets my brother extremely worked up, but I can usually handel it. I have broken down on several occasions, however.
I am underage (I’m 15, almost 16) so I can’t move out yet.
My relationship with my grandmother is ok, but these arguments only pull us apart. She gets offened at small things (I once said I made something for my other grandmother, not her.) She refused to talk to me for a small period of time after that. In-between “explosions” she’s generally ok though.
Well, thanks for the advice so far. I guess the only thing to do now is pray, right?:gopray:
 
coolduude said:
Well, thanks for the advice so far. I guess the only thing to do now is pray, right?:gopray:
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And help your mother without being asked. And do chores without asking. And see about a part time job. And see what you can do so you’re not in the house as much, because the more you get out the better you’ll feel. And see if you can suggest your grandmother get some blood work done anyway.

Bipolar isn’t pretty from either end. I know about this. I have a bipolar adult daughter.
 
coolduude said:
Yes, she has always “blown up” around the holidays. My mom can recall some bad holiday memories. She has told me that she dreaded the holidays for because her own mom would yell at her. I’m pretty sure there were no bad expirences with my grandmother’s past holidays.

To the rest- Our family is pretty sure she has some sort of mental illnes, but we don’t know what. (Bipolar?) It has been brought up that she get treatment, but she refuses to go.
She has alienated almost everybody around her, except for us.
My dad is present, but he tries to stay out of things because it’s not his mom. When he does get involved, it makes the situation only worse. (My grandmother and dad hate each other).
If this were a husband/wife dispute, this conflict would be classified as “verbal abuse”.
I call my grandmother a monster because she turns into one when she yells like this. It gets my brother extremely worked up, but I can usually handel it. I have broken down on several occasions, however.
I am underage (I’m 15, almost 16) so I can’t move out yet.
My relationship with my grandmother is ok, but these arguments only pull us apart. She gets offened at small things (I once said I made something for my other grandmother, not her.) She refused to talk to me for a small period of time after that. In-between “explosions” she’s generally ok though.
Well, thanks for the advice so far. I guess the only thing to do now is pray, right?:gopray:
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Is there a counselor at school that can give you some legal help, such as helping your parents taking legal action to commit her to an institution for psychiatric examination or doing an intervention?

Does she have a drinking or other substance abuse problem?

Also, does your family live at your grandmother’s house or does she stay at yours?

And for all the people giving him grief over calling her a monster, cut the kid some slack, he’s already broken down over this, there’s no need to add a guilt trip over this too. No kid should have to go through this.
 
Dear Coolduude - My heart goes out to you. Yes, it does get hard loving when stinging words cut like whips. Love anyway. God bless you and yours. Have a good cry. It’ll unload some of the frustration you’re feeling. Having trouble crying? Ask God for tears.

Peace,

Gail
 
Norseman82 said:
Is there a counselor at school that can give you some legal help, such as helping your parents taking legal action to commit her to an institution for psychiatric examination or doing an intervention?

There are consulors, but I’m not sure how far they’re willing to go.

Does she have a drinking or other substance abuse problem?
No.

Also, does your family live at your grandmother’s house or does she stay at yours?
She lives with us.

And for all the people giving him grief over calling her a monster, cut the kid some slack, he’s already broken down over this, there’s no need to add a guilt trip over this too. No kid should have to go through this.
Thank you.
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I didn’t quote right, I know. I’m somewhat new to this. I’m not sure how to multi-quote yet.

OutinChgoburbs- Which burb do you live in? I also live in the Chi-town burbs.
Anyway, I try to get out of the house as much as I can, but my school is about 6 miles away, and I can’t drive so it actually stresses my mom out MORE if she has to drive 6 miles 4 times a day (She drives to school because she works there). I’m on newspapaer at my school, so I’m out, but still. It’s hard.
My mom won’t allow me to get a school year job. I caddy in the summer though.
If I suggest bloodwork to my grandmother, she’ll think about it just to please me, but she won’t go through with it.
Oh, well.
Gail- Thank you. I have shed many tears over this matter already.
 
I got interuppted by a phone call while trying to add to my previous post.
coolduude said:
I’m said I’m used to it, but my mom said “there’s something wrong with that”. She has a point.
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What is your family’s economic situation that forces your family and the grandmother to stay together under one roof? You don’t need to answer that if you don’t feel comfortable, but I do find it odd that your mom feels that there is something wrong with you being used to it, yet does nothing about it.
coolduude said:
What do I do in this situation? Let it fizzle out, or intervene?
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It appears that you guys have been letting it “fizzle out” time and time again, but it just keeps coming back. This is the thing about abusive people; just letting it “fizzle out” and acting like it never happened and that it will never happen again is just wishful thinking and may just be enabling her. The sad thing is that doing nothing only prolongs the situation, but doing something ends up provoking them, too; it is a classic “no win” situation. Unfortunately, unless your grandmother physically harms someone, you may not have any legal recourse on your own, although if your grandmother physically assaults you or your brother, you do have recourse to call the police on your own and/or bring it to the attention of school authorities.

The only other suggestions I would have are these, and they are all along the lines of “having an escape plan”:
  1. Do well in school.
  2. Stay out of trouble.
  3. Get involved in extra-curricular activities to minimize your time at home.
  4. Get a part-time job to save some money and minimize your time at home.
You will then be in a better position to move out and take advantage of opportunities (whether it be college, military, seminary, work, etc.).
 
Norseman82, I’ll try to answer all your questions:
Financial:
Well, we moved from a neighborhood that was turing bad about 13years ago, and at that time the decision was made to have my grandmother move in with us. After that, we went down the crapper financially. We live paycheck to paycheck, so we can’t kick my grandmother out unless she wants to be living on the streets. 😦

My mom:
She does something about it, but it always seems to fail. She was previously drugged up to prevent anxiety (it was all legal, don’t worry), so she was asleep most of my young childhood. When my mom and grandmother got in fights, she could barely stand up for herself, and would often break down crying. She locked herslef in the bathroom once. That answers that.

My dad:
As I mentioned before, he is alive and well, but generally stays out of the way, because if he doesn’t things get VERY bad and personal (insults to his family, etc.). He once was involved and my grandmother threatened to kick US out of OUR house. :confused:

That pretty much sums up what’s been going on around here for the past few years. On and off, it’s been happening, but it sill happens.
 
coolduude said:
Norseman82, I’ll try to answer all your questions:
Financial:
Well, we moved from a neighborhood that was turing bad about 13years ago, and at that time the decision was made to have my grandmother move in with us. After that, we went down the crapper financially. We live paycheck to paycheck, so we can’t kick my grandmother out unless she wants to be living on the streets. 😦

My mom:
She does something about it, but it always seems to fail. She was previously drugged up to prevent anxiety (it was all legal, don’t worry), so she was asleep most of my young childhood. When my mom and grandmother got in fights, she could barely stand up for herself, and would often break down crying. She locked herslef in the bathroom once. That answers that.

My dad:
As I mentioned before, he is alive and well, but generally stays out of the way, because if he doesn’t things get VERY bad and personal (insults to his family, etc.). He once was involved and my grandmother threatened to kick US out of OUR house. :confused:

That pretty much sums up what’s been going on around here for the past few years. On and off, it’s been happening, but it sill happens.
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My apologies for missing the parts where you talked about your dad.

However, I just want to point out that unless your grandmother actually owns a portion of the house (or has her name on the lease, if you rent), she has no legal claim to kick you out of your own house, so unless you have suspicions that she may try to make a false claim of elder abuse, perhaps your dad should get involved the next time and “call her bluff”, so to speak. JUST MAKE SURE ALL YOUR PAPERWORK IS IN ORDER.

As far as your financial situation: does your grandmother contribute part of her social security or paycheck (whatever the case may be) to help out with the mortgage/rent/bills? Because if that is not the case, as an independent outside observer, I wonder again why you feel that you cannot afford to have her move out. If it is due to a moral obligation that your family is financially supporting her and it is cheaper to not pay the extra rent, maybe there is some program that may be able to move her into some subsidized senior housing (and maybe if your dad is in a position to “call her bluff” and she does try to kick you out of your house, maybe the cops will see through the situation and not only tell your grandmother that she can’t do that, but they may offer some ideas to get her out to some senior housing or force her to get help).

Again, you do not have to answer if you are not comfortable, but I am offering a few roads to explore.
 
I have a crazy grandma too.

To indicate how crazy – three years ago she lived with us and had started one of her fits, I told my DH to grab the kids and RUN! GO! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! (I didn’t want the to see it) and I knew she would be able, no matter how hard I tried to not give in, to push my buttons. We lived in Navy Housing at the time. I was on the phone to Security to have her physically removed from my home. The ONLY thing that stopped her was my mother (who was visiting) saying “if I were you I would stop – or you’ll never see the grandkids again.”

That was the ONLY thing that worked. I shipped her out the next day on a plane to my aunt. My aunt and cousin put her in assisted living facility and that’s that.

I let her visit once. She pulled her special brand of crazy again and right back to Auntie’s she went.

So I sympathize (my childhood holidays was dominated by this women and her meanness) I really do. You should just stay away from her and do what you can to get out of the house often. My grandma seems to delight in absolutely destroying people. Very very sad. Her current goal is to make sure that all of her great grandchildren know that my eldest DD is her favorite. She has two rings worth quite a bit of money – she tries to use them as some kind of powerful leverage (both rings are to go to my eldest DD when grandma dies, until then all she can talk about is these rings). :rolleyes: However nobody in the family cares and therefor she has earned the nickname Schmiegal. 😛

Ha ha get it? “One ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them…”

A sense of humor and not giving in the the nonsense seems to be the only thing that works. I am with the other’s though - dad should stand up to her. My DH stood up to grandma and then she faked a stroke. But watcha gonna do? 🤷

Prayers with you. . .:signofcross:
 
Norseman82 said:
As far as your financial situation: does your grandmother contribute part of her social security or paycheck (whatever the case may be) to help out with the mortgage/rent/bills? Because if that is not the case, as an independent outside observer, I wonder again why you feel that you cannot afford to have her move out. If it is due to a moral obligation that your family is financially supporting her and it is cheaper to not pay the extra rent, maybe there is some program that may be able to move her into some subsidized senior housing (and maybe if your dad is in a position to “call her bluff” and she does try to kick you out of your house, maybe the cops will see through the situation and not only tell your grandmother that she can’t do that, but they may offer some ideas to get her out to some senior housing or force her to get help).
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Yes, my grandmother does help with bills. I’m not sure which ones, but I know she helps. I know for sure she helps with the car and groceries (spelling?), but we pay the mortgage.
And about the moral obligations- I think my mom is pretty attached to her mother. :confused: That’s why my grandmother moved in in the first place.

Are there any suggestions to prevent this for the future? I hate it when my parents get in nasty fights with my grandmother. It really is upsetting.

Ok, just to update everyone-
We let it happen again :mad:
It just fizzled out on its own, and Thanksgiving is back on. This sounds good, but I have begun the countdown to the next “eruption” (most likely Christmas). This is just getting old.
For example, my grandmother “erupted” over the summer, and I couldn’t contain myself. I had to cry. I cried for hours on end.
Then, my mom and grandmother decided to “negotiate”. I refused, saying “we do this every time, and the problem is never fixed.”
My grandmother changed after that, but only for a short period of time. What really got her was me saying “you need to get help”, because it came from my moth, not my parents. She didn’t get help though. And, as you can see, she’s back at it. 😦
It just makes me mad that the cycle repeats itself EVERY SINGLE TIME! It’s a never ending wheel of misfortune! sigh
Any suggestions?
 
cooldude,

I am going to have to say that the best suggestions for you have already been given. Once you can get out of the house and away from it you can leave them to each other. Yes, visit, yes continue to honor and love but you don’t ever at that time have to stay there.

My prayers will be with you as you have to be there for the next 2 or so years.

Brenda V.
 
coolduude said:
OutinChgoburbs- Which burb do you live in? I also live in the Chi-town burbs. A decently sized one. I don’t announce it online, and you shouldn’t announce your suburb either. Safety first:) .
Anyway, I try to get out of the house as much as I can, but my school is about 6 miles away, and I can’t drive so it actually stresses my mom out MORE if she has to drive 6 miles 4 times a day (She drives to school because she works there). I’m on newspapaer at my school, so I’m out, but still. It’s hard. Pace bus? Carpool with other people? My DH and I share a car, so we both use Pace bus. We have not died from taking Pace. It is actually quite pleasant.
My mom won’t allow me to get a school year job. I caddy in the summer though. Too bad.
If I suggest bloodwork to my grandmother, she’ll think about it just to please me, but she won’t go through with it. Good grief, not to Grandma!!! She’ll go off the deep end. To your mom when she takes Grandma to the doctor.
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coolduude said:
Yes, my grandmother does help with bills. I’m not sure which ones, but I know she helps. I know for sure she helps with the car and groceries (spelling?), but we pay the mortgage.
And about the moral obligations- I think my mom is pretty attached to her mother. :confused: That’s why my grandmother moved in in the first place.

Are there any suggestions to prevent this for the future? I hate it when my parents get in nasty fights with my grandmother. It really is upsetting.

Ok, just to update everyone-
We let it happen again :mad:
It just fizzled out on its own, and Thanksgiving is back on. This sounds good, but I have begun the countdown to the next “eruption” (most likely Christmas). This is just getting old.
For example, my grandmother “erupted” over the summer, and I couldn’t contain myself. I had to cry. I cried for hours on end.
Then, my mom and grandmother decided to “negotiate”. I refused, saying “we do this every time, and the problem is never fixed.”
My grandmother changed after that, but only for a short period of time. What really got her was me saying “you need to get help”, because it came from my moth, not my parents. She didn’t get help though. And, as you can see, she’s back at it. 😦
It just makes me mad that the cycle repeats itself EVERY SINGLE TIME! It’s a never ending wheel of misfortune! sigh
Any suggestions?
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Yes. Your guidance counselor. I don’t care if your mom works at the school. You have to get this out. Your counselor does not have to tell your mother.
 
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