What do I do?

[lovesfall]

I have been married for 11 months, second marriages for the both of us. I was blessed with three wonderful children in my first marriage, but their father abused me for 16 of the 17 years I was married to him. As a result, I had two breakdowns and fell into a deep depression. With the help of our dear Lord, a wonderful counselor and my priest ,I was able to overcome my emotional problems. I also developed enough confidence to go back to school and enter the field I had wanted to work in all my life.

I made a promise to myself that the next man I married would be Catholic and share my morals and values and of course not be abusive. After 4 years I did meet a man that seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in a husband. During our 3 year “courtship” we rarely, if ever, had a disagreement and I fell deeply in love. My children also really liked him and he was wonderful to my youngest, a boy born with Autism.

After two months of marriage, I discovered a box of my husband’s in our attic that was filled with pictures of nude women he had bought a year and a half ago. I had posted something similar awhile ago…I apologize for being redundant) Needless to say I was devastated and felt so betrayed. He agreed to go to marriage counseling and we have ever since. He did throw the pictures away but I did find an envelope with other pictures that he purchased a month before our wedding. This was after he promised me in counseling that the only pictures he had were the ones I had found in the attic. So not only did he have more, but he lied as well. I have also discovered that he watches television shows and movies that are very immoralistic…something else he didn’t tell me before we married. The only things we had wathed wihile dating were news shows and sports…and we don’t enjoy going out to movies so that subject never came up. I also had read some posts he had put on a website he frequents that were sexual in nature. I may be wrong, but to me that is not what I consider being a very moral person…plus the fact that it causes me pain.

My husband has also stopped being as affectionate with me as he used to and seems to want to be away from home more. He has joined some organizations that cause him to go to meetings during the week. We’ve only been married 11 months so I would think he would want to spend more time with me…not less. Oh…something I did forget to mention is that we had lived almost 6 hours away from each other and for the most part were only able to see each other on the weekend. He does tell me that he loves me every day which confuses me even more.

I have found out that he is also very controlling in dealing in regards to money. If he wants something he just buys it. If I want something, he told me that I have to ask him first before I buy it. We both work so I feel I shouldn’t have to ask his permission.

We had a formal Catholic ceremony so divorce is not an option. I also don’t want another failed marriage…I already feel so stupid and don’t want to upset my family anymore than they already have been.

I am falling into depression again…I try to fight it but our marriage has not improved even with the counseling.

I read a book by Dietrich Von Hildebrand entitled “Marriage, The Mystery of Faithful Love” and one of the chapters deals with love’s task in troubled marriages. In it he states that , quote: “If love is completely lacking on one side, or if one partner suffers from the other in every way, the obligation to live up to the objective tie which the conclusion of marriage has created persists, in spite of the fact that the combination of the two partners does not make possible the realization of ideal conjugal love. The one spouse can oly love the other in a particular form of neighborly love–love him because it was with him that the tie of marriage was knit. The task in this special case consists primarily in sacrifice and renunciation and in care for the salvation of the other.” End of quote.

Do you agree with this? Or have any of you been in a similar marriage such as mine? I would appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. Sorry this post is so long.

God Bless

Sandy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are experiencing. I cannot offer you advice for your marriage…I will leave that to your marriage counselor.

But I do want to encourage you to take care of you. If you know you are slipping back into depression you need to deal with it right now. Don’t wait until it gets worse. I’m sure you know that the worse it gets the less able you will be able to help yourself get better. Seek treatment now!

Secondly, you need to focus on your children and what is best for them. I have no idea if that means staying in this marriage or seperating. Again, I leave that to your therapist.

But what I can tell you is that if you do happen to get out of this marriage situation you need to forget about another relationship until your kids are grown. I know that sounds harsh, but just look at what they have already experienced. They need their mom. It’s hard to be a mom when you are either being abused (first marriage) or are being hurt and confused and putting alot of energy into “fixing” this new marriage.

I will pray that this situation works out for the best, for you and your children. Take care of yourself and your babies and ask for God’s help (but be willing to do what He asks, no matter how tough).

Malia

 

[Della]

I agree with Malia, except to say that your husband hiding his sexual addiction before getting married is very bad. It might mean that he never had any intention of keeping his wedding vows. He needs to go to therapy on his own for his problems with sex before you will be able to be happy together. He had no right to keep such important information from you before you got married and may be grounds for an annulment if he won’t consider giving up his sexual diversions. It sounds to me like he wanted a wife and family just so he would have a home in which he would be taken care of but which he never had any intention of making his family. I’m so sorry for you. But, annulment may be your only way out of this mess if he won’t cooperate.

 

[Eliza10]

I’m sorry you are realizing your husband is not sounding like the person you made vows to. Have you talked to a Priest about it? Yes, I see how as Deitrich Von Hildebrand says, it is only possible to love certian spouses like a neighbor. That raises questions, though. You don’t sleep with your neighbor. And if his view of women has to do with that porn, than how do you feel about sleeping with him? Another matter to discuss with a wise Priest. Will he be a good example for your growing children? There is another question.

Hildebrand’s statements are something to ponder. Your pain now could be like a death, death of what you thought marraige could be, and quite possibly will never ever be. Hildebrand offers a senario (the only other, besides divorce and annulment) which is to give up on real marraigre, offering it up to God, and live like a neighbor the rest of your life.

Whatever God’s plan is for you He will give you the strength to carry it out.

My husband was not capable of living as a real spouse. I accepted that that was my lot in life - my form of “for worse” and that that was what God wanted me to do. It was not a normal way to live. Apparently in my case God didn’t want me to either, because my husband had a secret affair and then sued for divorce and sole custody of our only child (whom he was hardly ever there for), based on lies, which I had to defend against, in a very expensive and painful long custody fight.

It seems like in your case you have to mourn what isn’t and may never be. That takes time. But it is better to live with the painful truth than live under an illusion that something is what its not. And seek counsel from wise Priests and relect on it before God until you know what your path should be. That takes time too.

Also I think the website trueknights.org (I think thats the name of it) I have heard mentioned on Women of Grace and there might be resources there for you.

 

[lovesfall]

Malia, Della and Eliza
Thank you all so much for your replies to my thread. Your (name removed by moderator)ut has helped me realize that this is something that will take time for me to decide what to do…of course with the help of God and my Priest. It also helped for me to be able to post this as I really don’t want anyone in my family to know of our problems as of yet.

Della, he doesn’t feel he has a problem…that the pictures he had were not pornograhic in nature but to me any suggestive, nude picture of a woman is pornographic.

I apologize but I realize I failed to mention that my children are grown. Due to the fact that my middle daughter was born with a physical defect (which has since been taken care of) and my youngest son was born with Autism, I was not able to leave their father until they were older. My oldest daughter is 22 and has graduated from college and is going to marry a wonderful young man next month. My middle daughter is 19 and is her second year of college and my son is 15 and attends a “regular” school with the help of a paraprofessional. Up until the final two years of my former marriage, my children did not know of the abuse…he made sure to hurt me where it didn’t show and the majority of the abuse was verbal, emotional and sexual. He never abused my children physically or sexually but did on occassion make comments to them that were hurtful. They attended counseling with me and are doing well.
Thank you all once again and I am going to check the Women of Grace website, Eliza.

God Bless

Sandy