What do I tell her?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Firebug
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

Firebug

Guest
Hello again! Another question from me! :o
As some of you may already know, my mother passed away a month ago. She left behind my father, brother, sister and I. My sister is only 12 years old, and is having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. She has breakdowns every now and then (on days when she’s more sensitive), and she always asks me, “Why did God do this to us?”, she also wants her back, and I’ve been telling her it’s selfish to want her back, the way she was and all. Do you guys have any ideas on how I can answer these questions more efficiently?

-Christina
 
I don’t have any suggestions on this, but I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. I’m so sorry for your loss.
 
Grieving is a process. Everyone goes through a death with different attitudes. Just be there for your sister. Don’t judge her feelings. One step of healing that is common, is to be angry with God. Your sister is at this step. Just listen don’t try to reason. You can’t reason a feeling. Incourrage her to talk to you about what she is feeling. She will have these feelings for the rest of her life. She may feel a little bitter with you because(I am assuming you are older) you were with your mother longer. Loosing a mother at such a tender age is hard. In some ways, you will take on some of the mothering she no longer has. She needs you to support her so that she does not end up looking for a mother in the wrong places. A loss is sometimes hard to share and I am sure you are also feeling the loss of your mother too. I have not read any of your other post. Essentially there are no answers to her questions. Her question of why did God do this is a hard one. My personnel perspective is that God loves us and wants the best for us but unfortunatly mankind starting with Adam has not done His will and so we have all the tragedies. God does not will this but allows it to happen. Jesus suffered much for us and we are called to suffer much for Him.
God Bless You
Ann Cheryl
 
I lost my sister to cancer when I was 12. There was no support at home for me because my parents were to distraught with their own grief.

I don’t think it is particularily helpful to tell your sister she is being selfish for wanting her back, that is a natural emotion. I would listen, listen, listen some more. Do not tell her any of her feeling are wrong she’s grieving and should be allowed her feelings.

Why did God allow this happen? It is very hard when we loose someone we love to understand why such painful things are allowed to happen. Trying to explain to theology behind why bad things happen in this world I don’t think would be helpful to a 12 year old. I would just say even if it were possible to know the reason it wouldn’t make us feel better because we love mom so much we wouldn’t want to let her go.

Crying is perfectly normal and healthy part of grieving. Her school counseler shoul know a grief support group for kids who have lost a parent or close relative, your local hospital should too. I think it would be very helpful for her.

I will keep you family in my prayers. God Bless.
 
40.png
Firebug:
Hello again! Another question from me! :o
As some of you may already know, my mother passed away a month ago. She left behind my father, brother, sister and I. My sister is only 12 years old, and is having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. She has breakdowns every now and then (on days when she’s more sensitive), and she always asks me, “Why did God do this to us?”, she also wants her back, and I’ve been telling her it’s selfish to want her back, the way she was and all. Do you guys have any ideas on how I can answer these questions more efficiently?

-Christina
Click to expand...
First,validate her feelings. Don’t label them as selfish. They are normal feelings. Let her know that you understand that she is sad and hurt and even angry, and that’s OK. She may need to work through those feelings first before she can fully understand any answers to questions she has. Let her know that you don’t understand why God took your mom, but that God does love you and her.

This will take a while.
 
I fully agree with what everyone has said here. I would really only worry about it if she doesn’t start to come out of this phase of the grieving process after too long a time. Some counseling might be needed to help her, especially if she was in denial while your mother was in her last stages of life. Then too, children often make bargains with God that they don’t tell anyone about and are then angry when they think God didn’t keep it. I don’t know if your sister did this, but she certainly thinks God ought to have done what he didn’t do. But, unless this starts to affect her long term, with your support and prayers, she’ll come around in due time. I will say a prayer for her and all of you going through this very sad time in your lives.
 
Please don’t tell your sister that she’s selfish for wanting her mother back. I would focus on listening and affirming. AND, REMEMBER THAT IT HAS ONLY BEEN A MONTH!!!

I miss mom so much, Christina.

“I know you do. We all miss her very much. It’s okay to miss her.”

But I want her back! It’s not fair!

“It doesn’t seem fair and I hear how sad and confused you are by all of this.” etc

You might also encourage your sister to “remember” your mom. Tell funny or silly stories about her happy times, tell stories about from when your baby sister was little and how much your mother loved her. Perhaps ask your sister to pick a sweater or two that belonged to your mother and tell her it’s okay, if when she’s sad, that she cuddles up to these sweaters and thinks about your mother. Talk to her about all the ways you knew your mother loved the two of you, and how even though she loved you very much, God called her home and to a place where there is no more suffering.

I know it might scare YOU, sometimes, when your little sister melts down. All of my grandparents died within literally weeks of each other, and my two youngest sisters and my brother were absolute wrecks over it. I was only eleven at the time, but my parents were lost in their own grief and my siblings did not know how to handle it. I remember thinking I had no idea what to say and I wished they would all just stop crying and “be normal” again…

But, as I grew up and lost other people who were close to me, I learned that it’s okay to cry frequently and miss people desperately whom we loved very much. It is very important that you communicate this to your sister now. That is perfectly okay for her to be so sad sometimes, but the important thing is that she comes to you or your father and talks about it.

One more thing. Would your father be open to letting your youngest sister (or all of you) go to counseling in dealing with the death of your mother? Maybe you could ask him for her. There is a website that lists Catholic counselors catholictherapists.com , but really there are tons of therapists out there who are very equipped to deal with grief counseling.

I will keep your family in my prayers. Please also remember that YOU are still dealing with this and you too need someone to talk to and pour your heart out upon.
 
Oh dear. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mother. 😦

I haven’t yet dealt with grief from a Catholic perspective so I know that a lot of other people here will offer you a lot better advice than this.

I was the oldest when my step-mom and then later my father died - I didn’t know how to help them and I was twice your age and older. Such a difficult thing for you, Christina.

Only 19 and probably feeling the weight of the world, trying to be a surrogate mother and be strong for your father. This is still a new grief at only a month after your mother’s death and you’re probably feeling as lost as any of us who lose our parents, even when we’re much older.

What do you say to your sister? Pray for God to give you the words. The Holy Spirit will move you to tell her the things that will comfort her.

Your sister is at a particularly difficult age because she doesn’t have the shorter memory of the very young child to somewhat insulate her and she doesn’t have the understanding of more mature person to even help her know (rationally) that God can bring good things out of this.

And even if she did, it’s still so fresh - she’s full of pain and anger and the unrealistic wishing that most of us go through. We want her back. We make promises to God, if He’ll just make this a nightmare from which we’ll wake up, we’ll do anything He tells us.

But, of course, that can’t happen. 😦

Is your brother older than you or younger? Boys tend to hide their grief better than girls and they can sometimes seem to even lash out at people who grieve openly, because it threatens their ability to “control” their grief. If you notice that he’s spending a lot of time by himself, or leaving the room when the subject of your mother comes up, or telling your little sister to stop crying, you will want to go after him with a hug and bring him back into the fold and let him know that there’s no right way or wrong way to get through this bad time.

You can let them know that whatever they’re thinking and feeling, it’s okay. It’s normal to be very sad, heartbroken, angry at your mother, angry at God, angry at the doctors… mad at the whole stinkin’ world, sometimes. If all you can do is sit together and hug and cry and pray, there is healing in that.

Pray together. Maybe you can tell God that you don’t understand. Tell Him that you’re so angry and confused and you miss your mother so much that you are having a hard time believing that anything good can possibly come out of this. (Even if you personally don’t think these things, praying with them like this lets them know that what they’re thinking is normal and that it’s okay to talk to God about it.) Ask Him to show you the way, ask him for comfort.

Pray to your mother, together. Maybe tell her you know that she must be praying for you and that you’re glad that she’s well and strong again, but that you miss her and that you don’t know how you will manage until you can all be reunited. Ask her to pray that you’ll find the way, that you’ll learn to accept that she isn’t in the world with you, any more.

I will pray for all of you and I’m sure a lot of others here will, too.

I’m so glad to look at the thread again and find that in the time it’s taken to think about this and type it out, other people have already given you such good advice. Thank you, God!
 
I agree with what has been said. One month is still such a fresh loss, the pain is still so raw. This is the time to remember mom. Bring out the photo albums, scrapbooks, home videos. Laugh about the family jokes, remember the time when…Acknowledge the loss. Feel the pain. Come together as a family. Talk about the conflicted feelings…we know she is in Heaven. We know she is with God, we know she is out of pain. We know she is not suffering anymore, AND (not but) we miss her. All valid, one does not cancel the other or make one less important.

Try your local Hospice. They often have support matierials and or groups specific for children.

Your whole family will be in my prayers.

Arlene
 
I will keep you all in my prayers too, and please check with your Parish, lots of them have grief support too, even for children. Perhaps it would help you and your father too so that you can help her. (and yourselves). I was much older when I lost my mother, and I was helped much by the grief support group at my Parish. God bless you.
 
Remeber the verse “God so loved the world that He allowed His only, beloved Son to die on the cross for our salvation”.

God did not cause your mother to die, the world did.

He did not take her from you, but when she died, He took her unto Himself for eternity.

Pray together with your sister for His help, and to console you.

God doesn’t abandon those He loves, and neither will your Mom. Surely, she will continue to act on your behalf in Heaven, just as she did here on earth, that’s why God made her your mother, in the first place, and that will never change.

You are both very sad, but in time, you will fix in your minds a wonderful image of your Mom, just like we all have an image of Jesus, and He’s been gone some 2000 years!

Your mother is just the first to go, but all people will die, and you will all someday join her in heaven, which is why she gave you faith before she left. Try to picture her there, with you, as she surely is and will always be, and think that some day, all the faithful will be together in Paradise, where there will be no more threat to our well-being, and we will all be together, protected by almighty God, forever.

You might want to gather your family together in the pursuit of something that will keep your mother’s memory alive. Start a scholarship, sponsor a child or a person who is sick, plant something or make a memorial that everyone can be busy on for now and reflect upon later.

When words fail you, remember that St. Paul said that the Holy Spirit within us cries out to God when we are in pain. God’s ear will bend toward you, and make each day a tiny bit easier until you are made whole again.

I ask God to sustain you and your poor sister in your grief.
 
I lost my father when I was 20, and it took me more than 9 months to actually START grieving. I was angry and bitter for the first 9, sad for a few, and angry some more…but denial through all of it. Grief is powerful and personal and so I first encourage you to tell your sister that there is nothing you can say to take away her pain.

Validate that she is suffering, as are you…and that it’s important and necessary to feel pain over the death of such an important person.

Maybe this will help. A couple months prior to my father’s death a friend passed away very violently and tragically. I found myself sitting on the curb in the street in Puebla, Mexico, crying on the shoulder of a fellow student.

She told me, “God takes the best people first.”

She told me the same thing when we returned to the US after our semester and my Dad passed away.

It actually gave me comfort, that my father might be favored.

Take it one step further, however…tell your sister that it’s true; God takes the best people, and that he loved your mother so much and your family so much that he wanted the matriarch close to him where she can do the most for them all. She is in the presence of God, interceeding and guiding you all and preparing you all a beautiful home for eternity.

Maybe this won’t work for her, maybe it’ll give her some comfort.

The reality is that we all grieve differently and some of us don’t handle grief as well as others.

The most important thing is to be there for her, love her and let her know that you are still there, unconditionally, and you loved your mother, too. Remeber her well, and in that way, she will always live on in your hearts. She’s never been closer or more important than she is now.
 
Thank you all very much! 🙂
Just to clarify on what I said to my sister about being selfish:
I tell her that this selfishness is a characteristic that every human being posseses, and that we cannot help ourselves. Therefore, she understands that it is not sinful for her to feel like she wants her mother back, and that it’s normal; I admitted, I wanted her back too.
40.png
ElizabethJoy:
Is your brother older than you or younger? Boys tend to hide their grief better than girls and they can sometimes seem to even lash out at people who grieve openly, because it threatens their ability to “control” their grief. If you notice that he’s spending a lot of time by himself, or leaving the room when the subject of your mother comes up, or telling your little sister to stop crying, you will want to go after him with a hug and bring him back into the fold and let him know that there’s no right way or wrong way to get through this bad time.
Click to expand...
My brother is actually my twin. He does tend to hide his grief, but being twins, we have developed a special relationship, and he tells me most everything eventually. I told him to always come to me when he needs to get things off his shoulders, and he nearly takes me for granted! (🙂 which is a good thing).
She also knows that our mother was ready, and has been for a very long time. Mom had been ill all her life, and having children definitely was a miracle from God. My sister has already gone through the very thoughts “I hate God”, and she told me when she was going through this, and it didn’t take long before she apologized to Him. She knows God has a plan for everybody, and that He won’t give her more than she can handle.
This is a very hard time for me as well, I not only lost my mother, but my best friend (truly!). I’ve always promised my mother that if anything ever happened to her (Mom always talked about “if something happened to her”), that Elizabeth (my sister), would always, be my #1 priority, that I would treat her as my own-- It scares me to think that I’m the only one that could even come close to what her mother was. I just want to be sure that I’m doing things right, which is one of the reasons I joined this community. 🙂 Thanks to all again!

Have a blessed day-Christina
 
Christina, God bless you as you continue to take your family under your wing and provide support for them. It sounds like your mother taught you a LOT about love and family. I know you were blessed, having her as your mother. 🙂

Always remember that even though you provide support for your family members, you need support too. If you ever feel alone or want a friend or just someone to talk to (as you’ve done here, which is GREAT!)… just ask. I’ll be here and I know everyone else will be too.
 
40.png
HistoPhiloChick:
Christina, God bless you as you continue to take your family under your wing and provide support for them. It sounds like your mother taught you a LOT about love and family. I know you were blessed, having her as your mother. 🙂

Always remember that even though you provide support for your family members, you need support too. If you ever feel alone or want a friend or just someone to talk to (as you’ve done here, which is GREAT!)… just ask. I’ll be here and I know everyone else will be too.
Click to expand...
:yup:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top