What do I tell my kids about their aunt and uncle getting a divorce?

[chevelleboy]

We have a situation in our family that is causing some concern. My wife’s sister and her husband are going through a major marriage problem. They have been married for about 16 months and it appears that they are done. There is a group of us trying to offer some guidance (we mentioned Retrouvaille to them), prayers, and anything else we can think of. My main concern and question to you is in regards to my children who are ages 5, 3, and 1. My concern is that the wife in this troubled marriage is hanging around with some other guy. I really don’t know the nature of the relationship, but either way it is not good.

What do I tell my children? How and what do I explain to them what is going on? My kids are pretty close to the husband, so it’s not like they will just forget about him if they see the wife with another guy (even if they are just friends).

At first I thought I should politely tell the wife that until things really get settled out I would prefer that if she wants to see my kids that she not have this other guy with her. My wife isn’t too keen on this idea. And I cannot really control situations where we both just happened to be at the same place at the same time and they are together. I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture of the situation and the sticky spot I am in.

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

Since “the wife” is your wife’s sister, your wife really needs to be the one to take the lead on this. Since your children are very young, they really don’t need to be told much of anything. Your wife simply needs to make clear to her sister that the two of you will not allow her to scandalize your children by bringing her “boyfriend” along to visits with your children. For visits by your wife’s sister to your home, your wife need only make clear that “boyfriends” are not welcome. For visits to your sister’s home, you two need only ask to make plans to visit when she is not entertaining any romantic interest. And for visits to a neutral location (e.g., another family member’s home), then find out if your sister-in-law is planning to bring a “boyfriend.” If she is, then either stay home or (if you must go) leave the kids with a sitter.

As for the children’s uncle, if he wants to stay involved in your children’s lives and is not himself acting scandalously by bringing around “girlfriends,” then there seems to be no reason why you cannot maintain contact for the children’s sake. If your sister-in-law complains, she should be reminded that her choice to divorce this man does not necessarily mean that you must end your friendship with him or cut him out of your children’s lives. (There may be cases when it is necessary to cut a non-related ex-inlaw from your life, such as when a relative is divorcing an abusive spouse, but you have not indicated that this is the case in this situation.)

As for your children, now is as good a time as any to start teaching them that not all their questions need to be answered. If they ask questions about their aunt and uncle’s situation that you don’t think them mature enough to understand, just say, “I’m sorry, but that is Aunt Lisa and Uncle Nick’s personal business. We’ll do our best to arrange a visit with Uncle Nick soon.” In this example, you state the principle (that the situation is not your children’s business) and answer their legitimate concern (where is their uncle and when can they see him?).