What Do You Want For a Daughter in Law

  • Thread starter Thread starter bluesticks
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

bluesticks

Guest
Hi.

I seek advice on how to be a good DIL. A good Catholic DIL. Also I want to seek advice on how to be a mature Christian.

I know my problem seem to be trivial, but I am seriously seeking suggestions. It will be a great help.

Thank you kindly
 
I don’t want to sound like I am a shining example, but I do have a wonderful relationship with my MIL.
She and I are very different people, but we have one thing in common - my husband/her son… and really, HE is the one who manages us so well. He’s taught us both that we are all on the same team.
Our relationship doesn’t come naturally, necessarily… like I said, my MIL and I are very different people… but we both give and take for the greater good of our family.

I have made the following efforts to strengthen our relationship:

~ Humbly accept her help. When she offers to help it’s a genuine offer of love. No, it’s NOT always the way I would have done things on my own. I have to lose control of whatever situation she is helping with, and that can be hard to do, especially if you want to control things… even stupid things like how the laundry is folded or how the dishes are put away. It’s STUPID, but letting go of that control battle really brings HELP!

~ Listening to her opinions does not mean I have to agree with them, but I also don’t have to argue with her. She’s a WOMAN - she’s going to have opinions… and she’s a MIL - she’s going to be OPINIONATED :p… Let her talk. Nod. Smile. Respond, “Oh, really?” as if you’re interested. Usually you’ll end up walking away and doing your own thing. ONCE IN A WHILE you’ll walk away learning something new. :eek: (yes, I admit it)

~ The GREATEST GIFT you can give your MIL is time with her grandchildren. This really ties into “losing control” point above. She’s going to give the kids junk once in a while. She’s going to break every rule that you believe is vitally important to their upbringing. But that relationship with the grandparents is SO SPECIAL for the kids and really helps foster a larger sense of family life. There is a difference between doing something majorly wrong (don’t expose the kids to danger), and minorly wrong (things that won’t kill the kids)… discern where that line is and let it go.

~ Pray for her… genuinely.

That’s just a little of my own experience and thoughts… I know I could add more, but that’s a good basic list.
 
One that does not try to find insult and conflct where none is intended. One that is not obsessed with “boundaries” and does not consider everything I say to be a veiled criticism or an encroachment on her territory. One that includes our family as much as her own. One that is committed to the Catholic idea of marriage and family 🙂

At the beginning of our marriage I was very defensive, and very controlling about how much we included my in-laws in our lives. I grew up with the idea that a married couple joined the family of the wife. Holidays were spent with MY family, his was included in a marginal way or was skipped entirely. I called MY mom with good news, not his. MY parents were the primary babysitters and even the primary grandparents. His mom and dad were “allowed” to hold the babies when WE invited them over. Their annoying habits and small failings were magnified. It was not kind and I regret it. I was very young. I hope my own daughters-in-law are more mature!
 
Monicad said:
God bless you for asking this question!

Unfortunately there is no easy answer, because what kind of daughter-in-law you should be depends a lot on what kind of a mother-in-law that you have.

If you have a mother-in-law that is kind and faithful it would be good to listen to her advice and show her love and respect. If you have a mother-in-law that is rather cold and unemotional it would be good to give her the space that she needs and also show her love and respect. If you have a mother-in-law that is destructive in many ways it would be good to keep your distance in a charitable way and also show her love and respect.

If you are struggling with this you are not alone, I wish you peace. Sorry I wish I could have been more helpful.
Click to expand...
Thank you for responding.

I want to be a good daughter in law to my future parents in law. It does not matter to me anymore whether they are going to accept me or not. I just want to give them my best.

I want to listen to their advice as much as possible even though I must admit it irks me sometimes and sometimes it can be offensive. I just want to learn how to be patient and I wish they will not give me a hard time again.

I guess I am asking for advise and prayers as well.

God bless you
 
Em_in_FL said:
I don’t want to sound like I am a shining example, but I do have a wonderful relationship with my MIL.
She and I are very different people, but we have one thing in common - my husband/her son… and really, HE is the one who manages us so well. He’s taught us both that we are all on the same team.
Our relationship doesn’t come naturally, necessarily… like I said, my MIL and I are very different people… but we both give and take for the greater good of our family.

I have made the following efforts to strengthen our relationship:

~ Humbly accept her help. When she offers to help it’s a genuine offer of love. No, it’s NOT always the way I would have done things on my own. I have to lose control of whatever situation she is helping with, and that can be hard to do, especially if you want to control things… even stupid things like how the laundry is folded or how the dishes are put away. It’s STUPID, but letting go of that control battle really brings HELP!

~ Listening to her opinions does not mean I have to agree with them, but I also don’t have to argue with her. She’s a WOMAN - she’s going to have opinions… and she’s a MIL - she’s going to be OPINIONATED :p… Let her talk. Nod. Smile. Respond, “Oh, really?” as if you’re interested. Usually you’ll end up walking away and doing your own thing. ONCE IN A WHILE you’ll walk away learning something new. :eek: (yes, I admit it)

~ The GREATEST GIFT you can give your MIL is time with her grandchildren. This really ties into “losing control” point above. She’s going to give the kids junk once in a while. She’s going to break every rule that you believe is vitally important to their upbringing. But that relationship with the grandparents is SO SPECIAL for the kids and really helps foster a larger sense of family life. There is a difference between doing something majorly wrong (don’t expose the kids to danger), and minorly wrong (things that won’t kill the kids)… discern where that line is and let it go.

~ Pray for her… genuinely.

That’s just a little of my own experience and thoughts… I know I could add more, but that’s a good basic list.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for responding. This has been a great help indeed.

She will not have a problem re: kids because I know she is the expert.

I tried to nod and smile all the time, then I guess I went overboard one time that I guess she thought she was talking to a sheep. So it is okay to give opinion - noted.

Please free to add more because I am really struggling and I want to do the right. I do not just want to pacify them, but I want everything to be harmonious as possible. I want to do what the Lord wants me to do, sadly, I really needed to be shown a diagram or pictures to really understand it (figuratively).

My future PIL and I came from different cultural backgrounds so there are some things that are not considered as respectful in my country.

God bless you
 
JackieMom said:
One that does not try to find insult and conflct where none is intended. One that is not obsessed with “boundaries” and does not consider everything I say to be a veiled criticism or an encroachment on her territory. One that includes our family as much as her own. One that is committed to the Catholic idea of marriage and family 🙂

At the beginning of our marriage I was very defensive, and very controlling about how much we included my in-laws in our lives. I grew up with the idea that a married couple joined the family of the wife. Holidays were spent with MY family, his was included in a marginal way or was skipped entirely. I called MY mom with good news, not his. MY parents were the primary babysitters and even the primary grandparents. His mom and dad were “allowed” to hold the babies when WE invited them over. Their annoying habits and small failings were magnified. It was not kind and I regret it. I was very young. I hope my own daughters-in-law are more mature!
Click to expand...
Thank you Jackie.

For me and my future PIL, the misunderstanding/conflict usually stemmed from them not understanding my culture. I never did find any of their comments as insults, but I did think it was a form of rejection until this day. I do not mind criticism and I do not mind encroachment, but I went overboard that I ended up being a wallflower and invisible as much as possible. I also just OBEYED and never questioned which was viewed as terribly bad. I reserved my opinion if it was contrary to theirs and just followed the instructions which was viewed as not participating.

I asked because I want to do the right thing and understand them as much as possible. I wish to be like Ruth and faithfully serve them like I would my own parents. I decided, it really does not matter to me whether I will be welcomed or accepted, I just want to do the right and mature thing.

Again, thank you for the responses. I shall try to remember this.

God bless
 
My son is developmentally disabled, so what we are looking for in a daughter-in-law is a bit different than what we might otherwise be seeking. But… it is wonderful that you are thinking about this!

I would only caution you not to lose yourself, your own beliefs and values in the process. You must be yourself first of all, and a wonderful wife to your husband. That must take precedence.

And when questions come up - whose house for Christmas? Which relatives for this or that? The big question of God-parents? Do we make a vegetarian Thanksgiving if just one cousin, albeit a trouble-maker - is a vegan? What to about the family alcoholic, druggie, misfit or whatever? Make sure you and your husband have a good way to sit down and work these out ALONE, without family. If you find it hard to discuss this stuff without getting into small tiffs between yourselves, it is never to early to pay for a one time counseling session with a good Christian counselor just to brush up on communication skills and tools. The biggest problems surrounding inlaws tends to come from lack of communication and solidarity between spouses.

And you know - I know many in-laws who love and cherish each other, parents to children. Try not to anticipate problems before they occur!

Now for us, we want a nice girl with developmental disabilities but whose challenges and gifts complement my son’s - that her strengths help to round off my son’s weaknesses and vice verse. And we pray she has a large, young family who can be around for a long time to help the couple as my husband and I were unable to have Sam until we were quite old. And the couple will clearly need assistance - I’d prefer it come from family then from the State social workers. And we pray she and her family are Catholic and loving. And I pray the girl is not too high maintenance as my son was taught to respect women but I’ve seen a few girls get a bit too bossy with him. And I hope she is sweet to him and us, polite and caring.

Maybe my wishes aren’t so different after all?
 
I have a great relationship with my soon to be MIL, so I might have some (name removed by moderator)ut, but don’t expect these kinds of results because not many people are as wonderful as she is.

When I think of the kindest, most loving, gentle people I know she tops the list. And even though I am young she has always shown a great deal of respect to me and my position in her son’s life.

What she wanted was someone who would make him happy and faithfully stand by him.

Her and I are very different. She’s a very devout Catholic. I’m an atheist. I’ve been living with her son out of wedlock for quite some time now. Does she agree with this? Absolutely not. Does she take out her hurt and frustration on to me? Nope, and she doesn’t do it to him either.

My best advice is to treat your future in-laws with respect, accept their help graciously even if you don’t need it (I seriously feel like a jerk every time she hands me money because we don’t need it and she needs to save for retirement, but she loves to help us out), if you are going to do something that they disagree with don’t hide it, but it doesn’t need to be rubbed in their face, and always show that you are going to put your marriage to their son above all else.
 
Bluesticks, this question you’ve proposed is a concern for me given your other thread and how you described the way your future in-laws treat you. I’m really concerned that you think if you apply all the great advice in this thread to your relationship, that its going to magically make this relationship better. There is no magical formula, and you are not the one that needs to change, at least not in the ways you think you can to make this relationship better.

Again, I’m really concerned that you think you need advice to change and it will make your relationship better with your future in-laws. Really concerned.
 
PatriceA said:
Bluesticks, this question you’ve proposed is a concern for me given your other thread and how you described the way your future in-laws treat you. I’m really concerned that you think if you apply all the great advice in this thread to your relationship, that its going to magically make this relationship better. There is no magical formula, and you are not the one that needs to change, at least not in the ways you think you can to make this relationship better.

Again, I’m really concerned that you think you need advice to change and it will make your relationship better with your future in-laws. Really concerned.
Click to expand...
I have not read any of your other posts. However, this is along the lines of my first thoughts. It appears you are taking 100% responsibility for the relationship and that just does not work, You can only do your half and leave the rest up to her.

Also, IMO there are times when the husband needs to deal with his parents. If you and your husband make a decisions and your in-laws do not respect it, he should speak up since it will soften the blow.

Angie
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top