What happened to mourning?

[Julianna]

I know it’s an Italian custom. My father’s side of the family weren’t diehard for it. It was a few months…maybe. But they didn’t cut their kids (my cousins) off of TV or any parties.

My neighbors grandmother’s husband died around 1966 or so and my friends grandmother wore black for a year. But my friend and her family still had birthday parties, went to school and attended school functions.

I am surprised this is happening in 2013 America. But to each his/her own.

The Irish, that’s a whole other ball of wax. Party at a wedding, funeral, christening, …that’s why I married one. They do talk alot, love to tell stories and will go cruisin’ for a fight if provoked.

Being Italian and my kids Irish/Italian mix…thought it would be a great combo.

 

[coachdennis]

Growing up, we had what was called a month’s mind mass. Definition bellow from dictionary.com:

month’s mind
noun Roman Catholic Church .
a Requiem Mass said on the thirtieth day after a person’s death or burial.

For many people, this was the “end” of the mourning period. I think it can still be a wonderful tradition that says 1) we put our trust in God, 2) we remember those who have gone before us, and 3) life and living goes on

 

[Dorothy]

In the Italian culture I came from if you were in a large family you received visits from them for about two or three weeks. Also food was shared. Friends stopped over as well. Mass cards were given, and Masses were offered for the deceased at our parish church as well. I don’t see people wearing black, except at a funeral Mass.

If the death occurred shortly before Christmas, the bereaved usually were not in a frame of mind to send out the usual Christmas cards.

 

[L_Marshall]

I know that my grandmother always when a direct family member died, a Christmas tree wasn’t placed in the house when she was a child (in rural Canada). I think that’s an interesting take on it.

 

[Ohana]

Hmm, you need to read more Regency novels! For first degree relatives, one went into full morning for a year, then half morning for another year or so. Full morning was black clothing - I think even the men wore black neckwear. Half morning was wearing purple, grey or lavender for the ladies. And No Parties the first year, and only musical or visiting the second year. Still no dancing. I am not sure about weddings.

I am not sure when that changed, but certainly there is a period of a few weeks to a few months where people are not expected to be super energetic in their living.

However, longitudinal studies have suggested that mourning goes on for much longer than we acknowledge. It sort of follows a shock and denial phase - usually very short, to a stage of really actively missing the person to the point of illusory phenomenon such as hearing their voice or footstep - usually a misinterpretation of some real-life sound. That goes on for up to six months, then depression and anger sets it. This would be sadness, blues, anger at the person for dying etc. A relative of mine that this triggered when her Christmas cactus bloomed, a gift from her recently deceased mother, as “how could you not be here for Christmas!” . I had a similar experience when I was with a group of older women who I really admired in their wisdom, and was just mad a Mom for dying before she could teach me how to get old! Oh, there also might be anger at ones communities for not being supportive. It is nice to see Church communities start to recognize anniversaries, etc.

There may be an anniversary reaction that feels a lot like the initial grief - upset stomach, inability to eat or sleep well. This is not usually long lasting.

Gradually this wanes in the second year. We remember more of the pleasant things and less of the loss.

OK, coming clean here. I am a mental health professional. We Americans have such a “get over it” mentality, I just want people to know that what I have described is really a normal process when we lose someone close to us. No need to feel bad about it. Yes, we do continue with living and being with our families, but it might be good to share some of this from time to time with others, to keep up with church activities and other things that are healthful.

 

[Allegra]

It used to be American, tho the Protestants didn’t pray for the dead. I first came across this custom in Eight Cousins by Louisa Alcott.

What sort of “American”? The Alcotts were protestants weren’t they?

 

[skigirl1689]

I suffered a tragic loss right before my 13th birthday. All I wanted was to go to school to make sure my friends were still there for me. My mom was shocked at that ‘ridiculous notion’ and forbid me to go to school. When my birthday came, I just wanted to have a party so I could see my friends because I needed to know life would go on. My mom’s exact words were ‘What will the neighbors think?’. It made the whole less much worse

Honestly, I don’t think anyone expects people to go around moping for a year just because they die. Our loves are hopefully in Heaven interceding for our happiness not wishing we are depressed.

On the other hand, when my uncle died, I went out and bought new clothes and wore them for 2-3 weeks and went I felt ready, I threw them away. I felt a need to mark the occasion and wearing drabby clothes was how I felt was appropriate for the situation. But that was a personal situation for the circumstances.

Grief is one of the most delicate subjects and there is no right way to do it

Angie

I completely agree with you…everyone is different and need to mourn in their own way. I can relate to having a loss near a birthday. One uncle died two days after my 19th (we got word the end of his illness was near on my birthday), and another uncle died 4 days before my 22nd. I spent that birthday at a funeral home and it was so tough. We ended up going out for dinner and my parents sent me birthday flowers (it’s our tradition) when I returned to college after the funeral. But now birthdays are tough for me because of all the memories.

That being said, I don’t think anyone should be forced to follow a tradition after a loss.

 

[acadiANNA]

Thank you all for your posts. My parents were both pure French. 5 brothers settled in the town which bears their last name and we are their descendants. Just to add: we observed the same custom from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday each year, as mourning for our Lord. I do have Mass offered for my parents on the third Sunday of each month. I also participate in the All Saints Blessing of the Graves and Mass of the Holy Souls. I’m convinced from your comments that mourning is different for each one of us. When I was growing up, everyone knew we were in mourning and the entire family observed it. The neighbors knew of the fact and respected that so it didn’t seem strange. God bless you all.

 

[Aunt_Raven]

I think it’s most important to have a plan for mourning. The actual details of what the plan are may not be as important as just having a plan.

I’m glad someone said this. When my husband’s first wife died in the 1970’s, he wore a black tie to work in his office for a year afterwards; did not go to public entertainments, nor go out for a drink after office hours with is co- workers for over a year. This was “unfashionable” but it was entirely natural for him, and I admired him for it.

He is a good bit older than I; but at his funeral ( which is pre-planned) I will request that the rest of his family wear black, or dark colours. It is impossible to find a traditional widow’s mourning veil to wear to the funeral, (as Jaqueline Kennedy wore at her husband’s funeral ) however I have made one and put it away for future use.

I am an introvert who doesn’t like “touchy feely” and the black tulle veil over my hat will present a psychological barrier between me and all the people who will want to embrace and kiss me, which will make meeting mourners less stressful for me at the time when I most want to be left alone.

This is not for everyone, but will be a visible tribute to my dear husband which he would appreciate and approve; and it will also make my life easier at that time.

 

[Maddie26]

I am sorry to see so many people here saying that mourning is not practical in the modern world. People have posted their need to affirm life after a death and it seems that this is the only culturally appropriate way to mourn.
In the past people did not need to wear black for a year for every loss, just for close relatives (husband, sister, mother etc.) and for those for whom deep mourning wasn’t possible (people who wore uniforms or other reasons) a black armband could be worn. People didn’t stay home for a year, they still had to make a living, still had to care for children, same as today.

Everyone mourns in their own way and we are fortunate today that we can be so individual. When my father died I mourned in an old fashioned way. I wear a headcovering and simple stuck to black coverings for a few years because it felt right. I didn’t want to go to parties. I went to work and many people were deeply unsympathetic. I mourned by withdrawing-I’m an introvert. It was two years before I felt ready to face the world again. And BTW, my family is Irish so we had a wake and all. It felt right to gather as a family.

I don’t expect everyone to mourn way same way I did. We should just remember to support our brethren in the way they need, not the way we want.

Maddie.

 

[Maddie26]

I am sorry to see so many people here saying that mourning is not practical in the modern world. People have posted their need to affirm life after a death and it seems that this is the only culturally appropriate way to mourn.
In the past people did not need to wear black for a year for every loss, just for close relatives (husband, sister, mother etc.) and for those for whom deep mourning wasn’t possible (people who wore uniforms or other reasons) a black armband could be worn. People didn’t stay home for a year, they still had to make a living, still had to care for children, same as today.

Everyone mourns in their own way and we are fortunate today that we can be so individual. When my father died I mourned in an old fashioned way. I wear a headcovering and simple stuck to black coverings for a few years because it felt right. I didn’t want to go to parties. I went to work and many people were deeply unsympathetic. I mourned by withdrawing-I’m an introvert. It was two years before I felt ready to face the world again. And BTW, my family is Irish so we had a wake and all. It felt right to gather as a family.

I don’t expect everyone to mourn way same way I did. We should just remember to support our brethren in the way they need, not the way we want.

Maddie.

 

[Hockeygurl]

My mother used to say all the time that when a person dies… they get a great big “arrival” party in heaven and it is a family reunion.

I think it is important to remember that the death is only sad for us as we miss our loved one dearly. But we should also be grateful and have peace to know that our loved one is finally home.

Forcing people to grieve in a “certain” way is not only wrong, but borderline mental and emotional abuse. Everyone should be able to grieve in their own way. I know plenty of people who have had to spend a ton of money on therapy later in life due to some of these “forced” practices by parents and grandparents that were more worried about what everyone else "thinks’ about their family versus the emotional well being of their family.

 

[GEddie]

My mother used to say all the time that when a person dies… they get a great big “arrival” party in heaven and it is a family reunion.
**
I think it is important to remember that the death is only sad for us as we miss our loved one dearly. But we should also be grateful and have peace to know that our loved one is finally home. **

Forcing people to grieve in a “certain” way is not only wrong, but borderline mental and emotional abuse. Everyone should be able to grieve in their own way. I know plenty of people who have had to spend a ton of money on therapy later in life due to some of these “forced” practices by parents and grandparents that were more worried about what everyone else "thinks’ about their family versus the emotional well being of their family.

Well, we hope they are home. There is a reason, after all, we pray for the dead.

As a priestly friend has said, “The funeral Mass is not a venue to eulogize the deceased or to celebrate their life; it is to pray for them in case they are in Purgatory.”

BTW, on your third paragraph!

ICXC NIKA

 

[Elizium23]

Yes, so many people, Catholics included, misunderstand or have never heard this, but it is a fundamental point of doctrine that we in the Church Militant won’t know (until the canonization proclamation) the ultimate destination of anyone’s soul, and that our earnest and devout prayers are necessary and welcome.

It is hard for me to listen to a friend or parishioner who is grieving the loss of a loved one when they express gladness that she is in heaven or that her suffering is over or that she is watching over us. It is usually not the time and place to be pedantic about teaching and burst a fragile bubble they have built, but I try to speak up about it in between times, and remind them why we have the funerals, and Mass intentions, and why I frequently gain indulgences not for myself but for a loved one who might benefit from it.

 

[L_Marshall]

As a priestly friend has said, “The funeral Mass is not a venue to eulogize the deceased or to celebrate their life; it is to pray for them in case they are in Purgatory.”

Precisely. When I’m dead, I want your prayers, not you talking about how we had a funny experience once in Boston.

Don’t celebrate my life, don’t wear white vestments (I’d prefer black, if the parish has a set).

You can wear white for my beatification Mass. Until then, hold off.

 

[Michael_Mayo]

Precisely. When I’m dead, I want your prayers, not you talking about how we had a funny experience once in Boston.

Don’t celebrate my life, don’t wear white vestments (I’d prefer black, if the parish has a set).

You can wear white for my beatification Mass. Until then, hold off.

“In the past, the priest wore black, symbolizing the sorrow of death. Now we use white vestments to remind ourselves of the promise the Christian received at baptism that they would rise again with the Lord,” said Msgr. Robert T. Ritchie, the rector of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/8496/What-Every-Catholic-needs-to-know-about-funerals.aspx

the wake is the right time and place for relatives and friends to speak and share stories of the deceased

osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/8501/Funeral-wakes-provide-sense-of-healing-peace-to-f.aspx

 

[maryjk]

Precisely. **When I’m dead, I want your prayers, not you talking about how we had a funny experience once in Boston.
**
Don’t celebrate my life, don’t wear white vestments (I’d prefer black, if the parish has a set).

You can wear white for my beatification Mass. Until then, hold off.

The problem is, when someone dies, the living need to go forward. And sometimes that means remembering the good times we had with the deceased.

Sometimes, after my parents died, the only way I could function was to remember them laughing or having a good time.

 

[GEddie]

The problem is, when someone dies, the living need to go forward. And sometimes that means remembering the good times we had with the deceased.

Sometimes, after my parents died, the only way I could function was to remember them laughing or having a good time.

Sure. All the Padre meant was, the place for that is not the funeral Mass.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Aunt_Raven]

The problem is, when someone dies, the living need to go forward. And sometimes that means remembering the good times we had with the deceased.

Sometimes, after my parents died, the only way I could function was to remember them laughing or having a good time.

Fortunately, we have no choice but to go forward; it’s not a problem we have control over. And of course we are comforted by recalling “the good times.” But people like me don’t like others insisting that white vestments, which means celebration, are universally appropriate at a Requiem Mass. It used to be–and is reasonable-- that white vestments were used only for the funeral of a child who had not reached the age of reason (= sinning) and the reason for white vestments was celebrating that the infant died in the state of baptistimal purity.

A Requiem Mass does not “celebrate” the life of a deceased adult. It is Prayer to beg mercy for the soul of a baptized sinner, who is probably being purified in Purgatory. Jesus wept at the death of his friend Lazarus, a good man; note that He did not “celebrate or rejoice” because Lazarus was about to be raised (temporarily) from the dead. Black vestments for a funeral Mass follow his example. Death itself is the punishment for the Original Fall in Eden, though we are redeemed from that sin, black vestments testify that we still endure that penalty, which was never part of God’s plan at the Creation.

Our era is too eager to deny the tragedy, minimize grief and avoid mourning a death; Our culture is embarrassed at public tears; often doesn’t like seeing mourners wear “depressing” black at a funeral; and is too often in unseemly haste to “get over it” because “life goes on”. Black vestments are as permissible as white ones at a Requiem, though many parishes have deliberately gotten rid of them so there is no other choice than purple if white seems unsuitable.

I am glad that I am a member of the Anglican Ordinariate, whose liturgical custom is to use black vestments at the Funeral Mass.

It is psychologically unhealthy–and immature-- to deny the expression & process of natural grief, and to medicalize it with tranquilizers; except perhaps, to enable one to get through the funeral. Grief and its sadness is a natural process that takes time, can’t be hurried, and must be worked though by each at their individual pace. “Moving on” takes place at differing rates; and it is not unhealthy to mourn the loss of a spouse, child, or even a parent, for up to three years.