What if I think I'm not a very good mom?

[Em_in_FL]

I just posted some in the post below, but, to give examples…
Their temper tantrums don’t flare as much with others. With me, it’s flailing and wailing and crocodile tears and ‘Sissy touched me!!! ACCKK!’ and with others they just brush it off.
With others they just fall in line, no argument. I remember asking the ladies at the daycare how on earth they changed SO many kids diapers all day! I mean, with my kids the process varies, but it always involves me slinging my leg over a toddler to hold her steady and changing the diaper on a screaming wailing, not to mention quite strong, 2 1/2 year old. And they said ‘Oh, the girls don’t do that here. They just lie on the changing table and have their diaper changed. they never put up a fuss.’

And when my mom comes over to watch them…when it’s naptime, THEY TELL HER THEY ARE SLEEPY!!! I’m like 'Are you flipping kidding me?!? Those girls just SEE me get their blankets out and they are GONE. I mean, they’re hiding under soft cushions, crying screaming, everything.

And of course they eat more nutritious food with others. I’ve tried making them healthy food and they reject it every time, so eventually I realized all I was doing was making really great food to throw in the garbage, so I gave up on that. But, for example, for my mom they SUCK down her soup faster than you can blink! I serve them THE EXACT SAME SOUP at home, and they don’t touch it.

(((HUGS)))… Oh I know this ALL TOO WELL!
I’ve had that exact same talk with the teachers at our daycare… they line up and happily lay still for each and every diaper change. They smile to have their hands washed, they sit still and wait for food & bib, they eat everything in front of them, the smile, and sing, and dance, and play.

WTF!?! (sorry… but seriously! )

Anyway… I’m not much help - I work because we need the income.
Maybe it is worth working for a little while?.. For the sake of Mommy’s sanity? I mean, would the relative cost of therapy and and medicine required to deal with “depression” require the financial increase anyway? Sometimes this question can get complicated and challenging.
I’m not saying jump into the job, but consider the entire story…
I had (still have) a seriously depressed/OCD/anxiety-ridden mother (who refuses treatment) and I think LESS time around her as a child would have been better for me overall.
This is an extremely *complicated *and *delicate *issue… so if you’re *seriously *upset with life, your kids will pick up on that.

Maybe set up an appointment with a trusted priest? Discuss any spiritual feelings you may have about motherhood.

(((HUGS))) and prayers…

 

[Kindness]

Come on now mom! I know you’re a first timer but don’t you KNOW they save all that stuff up for you??? You are their safe place, they came from your body - they know they can be whiney, tired, less than perfect because as a loving mom you will always love them and be there.

The classic situation is the kids being perfect for daddy and horrible for mommy. I’m afraid this will never end. You will always get the worst stuff, but then their absolute adoration will be yours alone to. I will have a holy terror one minute and the next the same little person will be handing me a special picture with their special pencils that says 'You are the bst mommy in the hole wrld" with rows of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and oooooooooooooooooooo.

 

[trinichiqn]

I think you have your answer right there, it is better for you and your children if you went back to work FT.

Despite what some people think Daycare is not a dumping ground (unless you have a really bad one), it is a stimulating, loving environment. Kids learn better fom other kids, so being surrounded by other kids they learn sharing, they become more verbal and vocal, etc. Now this is a good and bad because they pick up everything some you really don’t want them to learn but at the end of the day they will be so happy to see you and have so much to share.

 

[rwillenborg]

I laughed so hard at this…wtf…is EXACTLY what goes through my head.
Their daycare is actually in a school, and EVERY time I go to pick them up I open the door, they yell ‘MOMMY!’ and run RIGHT past me, ALL the way down the hall, to the gym. They’re not so much happy to see me, as they are that someone opened the door so they could run down to the gym. I asked one of the ladies there, I said ‘What do you do when the other kids’ parents get here and they run down the hall towards the gym?’ and she looked at me and said ‘Oh, they don’t. All the other kids just run to their parents.’
Seriously?!?! When OTHER moms come to get their kids, their kids run up to them, give them a hug and want to go home. Mine? They want to go play in the gym. Mom what? Mom who? Never heard of her. ARGH!!!

And then on Monday night I was donig some volunteer work - I left the kids home with their dad, and my friend was there with her daughter who is the same age. And her kid SAT QUIETLY. On the grass. Ate pizza. Colored. Looked at flowers. My kids? They would have tried to shove the crayons up eachother’s noses, fed their pizza to worms and run out into traffic. Bet.
I could NOT believe it!!!

Now, I KNOW that SOME of this is a symptom of being twins. I know to SOME extent, they egg eachother on in ways that a kid alone, or a kid with a more responsible older sibling wouldn’t. They always have a partner in crime. However, that only accounts for SOME of their nonsense. The rest, I’m afraid, might be because of me.

The advice to talk to a priest is a good one. Actually, there’s a deacon I very much respect I might have a chat with.

 

[rwillenborg]

Come on now mom! I know you’re a first timer but don’t you KNOW they save all that stuff up for you??? You are their safe place, they came from your body - they know they can be whiney, tired, less than perfect because as a loving mom you will always love them and be there.

LOL! Yes, I’m sure they save some of it up for me. Can’t they put some aside for their dad, though?

 

[puzzleannie]

What Here’s the thing, in my old life, my corporate life, this wasn’t my day. I looked nice in the morning when I left for work. I drank a hot cup of coffee. Sometimes, even fancy coffee. I worked. Pretty straightforward. Not ONCE did I accidentally get peed on. Not ONCE did I have to retrieve a PRETEND pet mouse from the garbage can. Not ONCE did i put anyone in time out. Not ONCE did anyone remove their diaper during nap time, and paint with their poop.
Not. Once.

?

we must have worked at different places, you are just remembering the good times.

If you feel your vocation is working in your career field, manage your primary vocation as wife and mother as you see fit, in a way that provides for the best situation for you children, husband, household and yourself. You discern this with God’s help, and begin by placing your trust in Him. You also do this in conjuction with your husband’s discernment of his vocation and role, neither of you makes these decisions unilaterally.

newsflash–some women do better at home with the house and kids than others do. Some are constitutionally suited to it, some are not. Some are doing vital work in another realm and serving God in that way. Some are called to be full time wives and moms, some are called to work around a paid job, or to advance a career. Unless somebody has a direct line to God they are not in a position to criticize the choices one particular woman has made in that area.

If it makes you feel better, DD#2 went back to work the day they accepted DGD into day care, at age 18 months and her biggest gripe is that if she, not daddy who is the usual one, picks up her daughter, she gets “I’m not ready to go home yet, I will wait for Daddy.” She and the kids, and her husband, and her household are thriving. DD#1 is a SIVM self-described Stay in Van Mom and they seem to be doing pretty well, too, although I hate to think of her gas bills.

 

[jwashu]

I just posted some in the post below, but, to give examples…
Their temper tantrums don’t flare as much with others. With me, it’s flailing and wailing and crocodile tears and ‘Sissy touched me!!! ACCKK!’ and with others they just brush it off.
With others they just fall in line, no argument. I remember asking the ladies at the daycare how on earth they changed SO many kids diapers all day! I mean, with my kids the process varies, but it always involves me slinging my leg over a toddler to hold her steady and changing the diaper on a screaming wailing, not to mention quite strong, 2 1/2 year old. And they said ‘Oh, the girls don’t do that here. They just lie on the changing table and have their diaper changed. they never put up a fuss.’

And when my mom comes over to watch them…when it’s naptime, THEY TELL HER THEY ARE SLEEPY!!! I’m like 'Are you flipping kidding me?!? Those girls just SEE me get their blankets out and they are GONE. I mean, they’re hiding under soft cushions, crying screaming, everything.

And of course they eat more nutritious food with others. I’ve tried making them healthy food and they reject it every time, so eventually I realized all I was doing was making really great food to throw in the garbage, so I gave up on that. But, for example, for my mom they SUCK down her soup faster than you can blink! I serve them THE EXACT SAME SOUP at home, and they don’t touch it.

Something I don’t see anyone has pointed out yet is that you are their mom Looking back at your own life, did you not at times act better for someone you didn’t know as well and didn’t trust? Did you not hold back tears when you felt like you were about to burst until you got home to your parents or in recent years your husband? Do you not think your children are any different?

You are their mother, they trust you, they love you… when fears creep in about anyone else not being there for them, they know you will be. They let down in a sense around you because they know that while you may fuss, use T.O., spank, scream or whatever… that when it truly comes to their needs being met you are going to be there because you are their mother.

So it’s not that you are a bad mother, rather I would suggest that you are a good mother who might need some disciplining advice when dealing with 2 year olds. Don’t get me wrong, I believe kids are always going to cut up more, be sillier etc around the people they love because they can be themselves - it’s frustrating at times (I know I have 4 sons) but I believe they need it to grow up to be that healthy adult you are talking about. However getting them to better understand mommy’s needs as well from them could make a big difference.

Joe

 

[ALLGIRLS]

When I first read your thread title, the first thought that popped into my head was "then in **you’re good company w/ 90% of the rest of us". I love my kids more than life itself, and sometimes my heart feels like it’s going to burst as I watch them (they are SO STINKING CUTE!!! ), but, they also drive me crazy. I’ve had 2 kids in diapers for 5 and half years, and have probably at least another year of that (if the one in the “oven”-#6- is my last), and probably 3 more years of diapers themselves. Although I love them, I don’t like “playing” with them (I figured that’s why I had more than one, so they could play together and leave me alone ). Example: right now they’re watching t.v. (at least it’s PBS ) and I’m on CAF. I’m also not good w/ discipline (I yell WAY too much), or structure & schedules. They eat 4 times a day, just usually not the same time everyday, and the food may not be homemade, and are in bed by 9:00, but sometimes not asleep until almost 10. That’s the best I can do. I also hate to clean house, so that’s a wreck unless we’re having company. Oh, and get this: My #1 reason for not homeschooling: I like having the kids out of the house several hours a day (so at least when I do clean, it’ll stay clean for a couple hours!). I put them in preschool as soon as they’re 3, and when my 1st grader was in her last year of preschool, she wanted me to go to work so she could go to childcare w/ her friends whose parents worked ( 4 afternoons away from me wasn’t enough. Gee, I love you too, Bridget ). My point is, I know things aren’t ideal now, but I figure my “rewards” will come later. But, then, I didn’t leave a “glamorous” corporate job. I was a probation officer. I dealt w/ behavioral problems, had to put people in “time out” (we called it jail, though ), and played w/ urine (drug testing). And it never happened to me, but I heard that when visiting people in jail, some inmates would try to throw poop on you (gag!). Now I work part time at night at Taco Bell just to make ends meet (well, they still don’t really “meet”, they’re just closer together now). Which is even worse. The only thing I like about working is the adult socializing.

All I can say is, hang in there. Like someone mentioned, if you were called to marriage, you were obviously called to motherhood. I think our society just expects way to much of us now, like we’re supposed to act like daycare providers or teachers, and if children are really “wanted” (read “planned”, as in “planned parenthood”), you’ll be ecstatic to be around them 24/7, ESPECIALLY if you “sacrifice” your career to raise them! It is all about CHOICE, you know

You’ll be in my prayers.

In Christ,

Ellen

 

[kristacecilia]

I agree with the PP.

First of all, two is a hard age. And you have double the fun. That alone is enough to make many a mother run for the hills screaming.

Second, you are their mother. You have to know that they feel comfortable acting out with you and not always being perfect because they know you will still love them and still be there for them even if they are naughty. You are their safe place to ‘vent’. And venting for a 2 1/2 year old is bad behavior, arguing, and tantrums. Lucky us, huh?

Being a SAHM is tough. Really tough. And as the people before me have said, you’re probably not going to get very much recognition for all you do. I often have to think about what it will be like when all my little ones are out of the house. Will I look back and be glad with the choices I made? Will they know that those choices were not always easy, but that I made them because it was best for our family and because I was willing to sacrifice and work hard for them? Or will they look back and wish things were different?

 

[rwillenborg]

All I can say is, hang in there. Like someone mentioned, if you were called to marriage, you were obviously called to motherhood. I think our society just expects way to much of us now, like we’re supposed to act like daycare providers or teachers, and if children are really “wanted” (read “planned”, as in “planned parenthood”), you’ll be ecstatic to be around them 24/7, ESPECIALLY if you “sacrifice” your career to raise them! It is all about CHOICE, you know

You’ll be in my prayers.

In Christ,

Ellen

oh my goodness! Bless your heart for writing such an honest and beautiful post! Also, when I read that some inmates threw poop (gag doesn’t begin to describe!) and that now you work at Taco Bell, where the beans sometimes LOOK like poop, and you spend all day with poopy diapers, I had to laugh.
That’s just WAY too much exposure to poop and poop-like substances for ANYONE! LOL!
(My love affair with Taco Bell notwithstanding)
I talk to these moms…and their kids don’t watch TV, and they’ve never seen the inside of mcDonalds, and they brush their teeth three times a day (THREE?!? I’m not even setting the bar that high! ), and I just look at my kids, who are WAY too familiar with TV (I had to finally squash my husband watching nature shows with the kids around. I was like 'Unless that owl is picking up that mouse so he can get to school on time, you better change this channel quick!) and boy do they EVER know mcdonalds. I LOVE mcdonalds. I did meet a couple of other girlfriends up there (slacker moms like me) the other day and we all stood in line saying things like ‘Oh, so THIS is what a McDonalds looks like! See, I wouldn’t know, since we only eat organic, local, and in season.Oh, they don’t serve steamed brocolli? Okay, then we’ll settle for a #10 and a smoothie and a latte, not that I’ve EVER ordered that combination before!’ It was great fun, but it’s not like I’m PROUD of being a slacker mom - i simply AM, and I don’t think that will ever change! I really WANT to be those other moms. I WANT to feed my kids organic carrots with raw honey and wheat germ, and I WANT them to eat it, but that’s just not reality, and I realize that it never will be…and it breaks my heart! My poor little goobers aren’t getting the life they deserve!
And to your last point…that’s just it, people expect me to be SOOOO delighted to be home with them. I’m not. Mostly, I hate it. And that means I made the wrong choice.
But maybe that’s not what it means…maybe it just means that, like I said in an earlier post, God REALLY doesn’t want me to hang out in purgatory.

 

[rwillenborg]

I agree with the PP.

First of all, two is a hard age. And you have double the fun. That alone is enough to make many a mother run for the hills screaming.

Second, you are their mother. You have to know that they feel comfortable acting out with you and not always being perfect because they know you will still love them and still be there for them even if they are naughty. You are their safe place to ‘vent’. And venting for a 2 1/2 year old is bad behavior, arguing, and tantrums. Lucky us, huh?

Being a SAHM is tough. Really tough. And as the people before me have said, you’re probably not going to get very much recognition for all you do. I often have to think about what it will be like when all my little ones are out of the house. Will I look back and be glad with the choices I made? Will they know that those choices were not always easy, but that I made them because it was best for our family and because I was willing to sacrifice and work hard for them? Or will they look back and wish things were different?

that’s what I wonder. Should I be setting aside money for college, or therapy? (good news…we’re not putting anything aside for either, so, I guess that makes THAT choice pretty easy!! )

 

[adv1sor]

Rwillenborg, bad mothers do not worry about whether or not they are good mothers. Only good mothers do this.

It sounds to me like sacrificing your career for your children has become a tough cross to carry. But it seems you are carrying that cross every day and carrying it well.

You sound to me like a very good mother indeed. I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[Snugglebugmom]

Rwillenborg, bad mothers do not worry about whether or not they are good mothers. Only good mothers do this.

I totally agree! If you were truly a bad mom, chances are you wouldn’t give it a second thought. The mere fact that you worry about it, shows that you love and care for your children.
Staying at home is not easy. I have days where I think:“If this was a job, I’d quit. The pay is lousy, the hours are ridiculous, and I can’t even remember the last time I took a vacation day!”
Some days are great, some days not so great, and some days just plain suck. But as long as you are worried about being a bad mom, I think you are nowhere near the danger zone of actually becoming one. :hug1:

 

[ALLGIRLS]

oh my goodness! Bless your heart for writing such an honest and beautiful post! Also, when I read that some inmates threw poop (gag doesn’t begin to describe!) and that now you work at Taco Bell, where the beans sometimes LOOK like poop, and you spend all day with poopy diapers, I had to laugh.
That’s just WAY too much exposure to poop and poop-like substances for ANYONE! LOL!
(My love affair with Taco Bell notwithstanding)
I talk to these moms…and their kids don’t watch TV, and they’ve never seen the inside of mcDonalds, and they brush their teeth three times a day (THREE?!? I’m not even setting the bar that high! ), and I just look at my kids, who are WAY too familiar with TV (I had to finally squash my husband watching nature shows with the kids around. I was like 'Unless that owl is picking up that mouse so he can get to school on time, you better change this channel quick!) and boy do they EVER know mcdonalds. I LOVE mcdonalds. I did meet a couple of other girlfriends up there (slacker moms like me) the other day and we all stood in line saying things like ‘Oh, so THIS is what a McDonalds looks like! See, I wouldn’t know, since we only eat organic, local, and in season.Oh, they don’t serve steamed brocolli? Okay, then we’ll settle for a #10 and a smoothie and a latte, not that I’ve EVER ordered that combination before!’ It was great fun, but it’s not like I’m PROUD of being a slacker mom - i simply AM, and I don’t think that will ever change! I really WANT to be those other moms. I WANT to feed my kids organic carrots with raw honey and wheat germ, and I WANT them to eat it, but that’s just not reality, and I realize that it never will be…and it breaks my heart! My poor little goobers aren’t getting the life they deserve!
And to your last point…that’s just it, people expect me to be SOOOO delighted to be home with them. I’m not. Mostly, I hate it. And that means I made the wrong choice.
But maybe that’s not what it means…maybe it just means that, like I said in an earlier post, God REALLY doesn’t want me to hang out in purgatory.

Oh, yeah, my kids know Mcdonald’s. They want to eat there everyday, unless they want pizza instead. And we do imbibe on both WAY too much. Organic? Um, they don’t sell that at Aldi Brushing teeth 3 times a day? I’m lucky I remember to get them brushed b/f bedtime! I admit I’ve gone a couple of days w/out getting them brushed at all (because, by the time bedtime rolls around, I can’t get them in there fast enough!). We do read, most nights, and I TRY to get them to eat veggies (I put them on a plate in front of them and they ignore them). Honestly, I think more people are like us than will admit, because it’s so “unpc”. But c’mon, if no one’s taking their kids to McDonald’s, they’d stop serving Happy Meals (and maybe even go out of business!). I think a lot of Moms lie to avoid being judged. (JMHO, though!).

In Christ,

Ellen

 

[choose_to_love]

sub-topic on the food issue: have you tried saving it for the next meal? That is, if they do not eat it at lunch, you will save it for dinner, and they must finish that before more. We had some tough eaters, but once they realized the system, and that we would not budge, they eat the vegetables put in front of them.

We do not make them eat if they are full, of course, but no treat if the meal is not eaten, in particular the fruits or vegetables. You can also try doling out the part most likely to be rejected first, with the entree’ only after the veggies are eaten.

 

[puzzleannie]

Oh, yeah, my kids know Mcdonald’s. They want to eat there everyday, unless they want pizza instead. And we do imbibe on both WAY too much. Organic? Um, they don’t sell that at Aldi
Ellen

gracious that brings back memories of my worst parenting day ever, we were late to school so ran through McD’s drive through, had Girl Scouts after school, so McD’s again for supper as DH was out of town and it was just too late to cook. As we ate son rejoiced, “Today was great, I had McD’s 3 times!” I had forgotten his school had McD’s once a month as a treat and yup this was that day. They thought it was gourmet heaven, I was horrified. All of them HATE McD’s today oddly enough.