What if one spouse won't deal with issues with his parents?

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I am trying to think of how to make this a general question without getting too specific: My husband’s parents are good people; we get along well for the most part, and I like them very much. In some ways, though, his mom treats my husband as though he were still a child; for example she sends him messages reminding him to do this and that (and to some extent I am sure this is just normal mom worries.) But there are a few things she thinks we should be doing and she gets hung up on them and won’t stop stressing herself out and sending him messages and so forth on. (I would like to be more specific but probably shouldn’t in a public forum). His modus operandi of dealing with this is either to not respond (which doesn’t deter her) or occasionally to say whatever it is that she wants to hear, even if it is not true.

I would like him to just for once be kind but firm and tell her something to the effect of, “Mom, thank you for your concern; I know it comes from a place of love; but we have this under control, so please don’t ask about it anymore.” He won’t do it, though. If she were sending the messages to me rather than to him, I would say it myself, but she doesn’t.

Should I just let it be? I don’t suppose there is anything else I can do, since it is his parent, not mine…
 
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Yes, let it be. Hard as it is. As you said, his parent not yours.

Again, not easy to do, but you can do it from a place of love as well 🙂
 
You should just let it be. But your husband should not. I have a mother very similar. I had to really set boundaries and had some pretty ugly conversations with her. She, will never change. But I have at least established to her and (perhaps more importantly) to my wife and kids that I am my own man who controls my own destiny.

Things my mother has inappropriately stuck her nose in our business include, education, jobs, number of kids to have, the decision we made to homeschool, what time my kids should go to bed and wake up.

She tried to use guilt, money and soliciting help from my sister which has completely destroyed a normal relationship with either one.

When we just announced our 7th pregnancy I told her. I did not let my wife be anywhere near her because my wife does not need to be near that type of negativity. Not to make it about me on this thread because it isn’t, but you husband needs to take control and you need to not be involved at all.

Also, I just stopped telling my wife about issues with my mom. Part of the problem is I would get upset and tell her about it. That makes it worse.
 
Hoosier-Daddy said:
your husband needs to take control and you need to not be involved at all.
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That is what I would like (for him to take control on this), but so far he won’t. I think you are right, though, in that I need to stay out of it insofar as I can. This is all part of a bigger dynamic, though, and it’s never going to stop unless he deals with it. :confused:
 
If she is sending the messages to him, I think you are concerning yourself about the wrong conversation. The conversation you need to have is with your husband and you need to tell him to quit telling you about the messages his mother is sending him unless he decides to assertively tell her to knock it off.
 
Have you explicitly and clearly expressed that you would like him to take control?
 
JMMJ said:
you need to tell him to quit telling you about the messages his mother is sending him unless he decides to assertively tell her to knock it off.
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Yes, this is what I would do. If I can’t change it, and my husband won’t do it, don’t tell me about it because I don’t want to hear it.
 
One of my inlaws is obsessed about our insurance coverage “do you have renter’s insurance”? She kept after DH, one day she asked in front of me and I said “no, everything we own is old, worn out, thrift store. The fanciest thing we have is a $200 television. It is not worth the payments!”

That is all it took.

If she asks in front of you, give her a direct answer.

Had it been something more intimate or personal, I’d have said “that is private and we will handle it.”

Maybe your husband likes the conversations with his mom and feels comforted that she looks out for him?
 
If this nagging is only being addressed to your husband, could you just say, “My Love, I really think it’s best if you tell mother to stop nagging us about thus and so, but if you won’t and she doesn’t stop, could you at least please keep it to yourself because I don’t really need to hear about it?”
 
Though you may wish he were handling this different, this may just be a case where you accept it as it is.
 
Your husband’s parents are his parents. It’s his relationship with his parents, and he has known them and been dealing with them for a lot longer than you have.

It doesn’t sound like your mom-in-law is harassing you yourself with the messages or showing up at your door interrupting your family dinner time with husband, etc. It also doesn’t sound like your husband is suffering extreme stress over this situation. (We all get a little stressed by our parents - but there’s a difference between normal stress and extreme stress, which would mean it’s interfering with his life.) So I don’t see how this is your problem.

Let your husband deal with his parents in the way he wants to deal with them. He’s probably been acting the same way with his mom for his entire life and they’re both used to it. Maybe they even like it on some level.

I know if my spouse had ever suggested I respond to my mother in a different way than I was used to doing, I would have told him in no uncertain terms, “She’s my mother, it’s my business, and butt out.” In the same manner, I let him deal with his own parents in the way he preferred.
 
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There is more to the story, and it does affect both of us; but as I said above, I think it is best that I don’t give details. Oh well. There probably isn’t anything more to do about it at this time.
 
In general, unless the issue is really serious, I would say it’s not good to get into stuff like this with in-laws.

A lot of moms find it hard to readjust their relationship with their sons after marriage. It’s a mom thing. Mothers always see their kids as needing to be protected and cared for.

My mom still always worries whenever I go kayaking or drive in snow. She’ll call up and tell me not to drive. But then she’ll be happy if I drive to her house. lol

I just think sometimes it can be better to be gentle or say little rather than making a big thing out of it.

Also I think men just take this kind of thing on the chin and don’t make a big deal out of it, while wives can see it as a big issue.
 
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