Dear friend,
I commend you for having a large family and for all the self-sacrifice that this has entailed. Each of us was designed to love sacrificially. Each vocation has its own sacrifices and joys. This is true of the religious life God has chosen for me. It is also true of the life of parenthood the Lord has chosen for you. It is true of the married life that is your vocation as well.
When we are young it is impossible for us to know the difficulties that will come when we are older. It’s not fun grunting every time I try to get out of the car. I certainly never saw this coming. I have gotten so that when there are two of us grunting, we began to laugh. The laughter helps.
I have found that we all age at different speeds and in different ways. It is good to be able to assist each other with the strengths we still have. I doubt that your husband has remained young in all ways. Genital ability looms as a huge symbol of masculinity for men in our culture. It’s something that older men will readily hide behind when they fear that they are losing their touch in other ways.
Marriage always becomes a challenge when there appears to be an imbalance on any level between the two partners, but especially on the sexual. As distressful as your situation is, it would be more so if YOU were the one who wanted more sex. Again, our culture adds to the stress in suggesting that women shouldn’t have strong sexual needs.
It is true that you owe each other your bodies. But this is NOT limitted to the genital. You owe each other affection and tenderness at all times.
It doesn’t sound like this matter is physically painful for you—just not pleasurable. You suggest that you have become just an object to him. I hope you haven’t allowed him to become that for you.
The object of such intercourse is principally love-and then pleasure. The context of such behavior ought to be the delight you have in each other at other times. This takes effort from both people. It sounds to me that you are both operating without this context. If you were aware of his love for you and he was aware of your love for him, I suspect that this matter would become quite bearable for you. I suggest that you read this together and also that you both read “Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West, available through
shop.catholic.com. Feel free to contact me privately. You both are in my prayers. Just click on my name.
Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.
