What is the difference between revenge, a curse, a grudge, resentment and a bitter feeling? Which is legal?

[IwishIknew]

Having familiarity with victims of unthinkable abuse, I often wonder where one has to be in order to be in a state of grace:

Can one take revenge - No.
Can one curse - No.
Can one ask God to punish - No - I think this falls into the lack of forgiveness category.
Can one hold a grudge - I’m not sure, but I think not - again a lack of forgiveness.
Can one feel resentment - This is gray to me. I’m thinking yes, esp. if the abuser is still abusing and nothing reasonable can be done to stop it (example, enduring a life-long abusive parent that is dilapidating).
Can one feel bitterness - I believe so because Christ’s cup was indeed bitter.
Can one feel pitty for an abuser’s ugliness - yes.
Can one have loving, warm feelings for an extreme abuser - yes, but this is miraculous/saintly and requires a great grace for a great offense (or a degree of madness or amnesia, because we are not naturally built this way).

Thoughts on the assumptions above? The pivot-able point seems to be between grudge (which I believe means wishing ill-will) and resentment (which I believe means directed blame/bitterness toward the abuser).

 

[HelenRose]

I like the old adage:

When you hold resentment toward someone it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Resentment is a poison. Don’t drink it.

 

[IwishIknew]

I like the old adage:

When you hold resentment toward someone it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Resentment is a poison. Don’t drink it.

This is where it gets confusing for me. For example, it is easy for me to forgive Hitler if I disassociate his crimes from my mind, but when I watch Schindler’s List and feel (from the safety of my living room) only a small % of what really happened to those victims - including children - it is very difficult for me not to feel tremendous bitterness (which I believe is resentment) toward Hitler until the memory of that movie fades and I can again forget about the horrifying awfulness of his deeds.

Maybe a Christian is called to separate the criminal from the crime. Maybe we should pity the criminal (in this case, Hitler) and continue to greatly disdain the unfathomable crimes.

Would that approach save the Christian from “resentment”?

 

[wmw]

Trust in God that all justice is accounted for through His works knowing that setting the scales level need not be taken up by us.

Then take in the healing of the union with Christ in the suffering of all; the victim, the one committing the sin, and Christ’s own passion. In Christ all can be reconciled, but where a sinner or a victim does not enter into the forgiveness and healing then Christ is there to fill in anything or anyone that is missing.

It is much easier to say than truly take into your heart when hurt and there is often a long journey in feeling more than granting forgiveness, but the trick is to be present to Jesus and trust Him. Still, it is prudent to be wary of others who’ve harmed you even if you’re fully beyond it, though you may have forgiveness for someone even to the point of brotherly love or at least enough to dispel any feelings of bitterness, but it is unwise to become vulnerable to them again.

“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”

We must be strong for the weak, but not demand too much too soon; yet, continue to lead them closer to Christ in order for all of us to more fully complete the journey.

 

[HelenRose]

This is where it gets confusing for me. For example, it is easy for me to forgive Hitler if I disassociate his crimes from my mind, but when I watch Schindler’s List and feel (from the safety of my living room) only a small % of what really happened to those victims - including children - it is very difficult for me not to feel tremendous bitterness (which I believe is resentment) toward Hitler until the memory of that movie fades and I can again forget about the horrifying awfulness of his deeds.

Maybe a Christian is called to separate the criminal from the crime. Maybe we should pity the criminal (in this case, Hitler) and continue to greatly disdain the unfathomable crimes.

Would that approach save the Christian from “resentment”?

I am trying to figure out what my emotions are about Hitler. I have never thought in terms of my forgiving Hitler. To me it would be an insult to those who were directly affected by him to say, “I forgive you Hitler for the horrible deeds you have done to others.” God has that right but I am not God. That action has to be between those who have been harmed and God. That is none of my business.

I don’t think of forgiving people for harm done to me as an emotion but a decision. Resentment, I think, is more in the realm of emotions. I can make a decision to forgive a wrong done to me, but then, it may take more time to deal with the resentment. If I wake up in the middle of the night stewing about the past hurt, I try recognize the poison that has entered into my thoughts. I pray for the person who harmed me. We can’t always control our emotions but we can control how we deal with them.

Feelings and emotions are not sins in themselves. What can becomes sinful is how we respond to those emotions and whether or not we enjoy dwelling upon them.

 

[IwishIknew]

I am trying to figure out what my emotions are about Hitler. I have never thought in terms of my forgiving Hitler. To me it would be an insult to those who were directly affected by him to say, “I forgive you Hitler for the horrible deeds you have done to others.” God has that right but I am not God. That action has to be between those who have been harmed and God. That is none of my business.

I don’t think of forgiving people for harm done to me as an emotion but a decision. Resentment, I think, is more in the realm of emotions. I can make a decision to forgive a wrong done to me, but then, it may take more time to deal with the resentment. If I wake up in the middle of the night stewing about the past hurt, I try recognize the poison that has entered into my thoughts. I pray for the person who harmed me. We can’t always control our emotions but we can control how we deal with them.

Feelings and emotions are not sins in themselves. What can becomes sinful is how we respond to those emotions and whether or not we enjoy dwelling upon them.

Thank you for your insightful reply. Yes, maybe there is a difference between forgiveness and resentment/bitter feelings.

Maybe forgiveness is more like a formal, articulated signoff that one seeks no specific retribution (leaving that decision to God) - no request for fire from Heaven, no curse, no revenge.

Where resentment/bitter feelings are something different. Certainly it is better to live without bitter feelings from an experience. But as in the case of Hitler and Schindler’s List - I can’t help but feel incredible amounts of bitterness toward his deeds to create such wickedness.

And being one of faith means that I am blind to what happens in the other realms - so I can’t feel the frightening eternity of hell, which if I could experience a bit of that, I might be able to pity what was in store for those men should they not have received mercy before their last breaths.

Logically, Hell is worse than a man like Hitler being sentenced to a purgatory of suffering equivalent to the millions and millions of deaths and tortures he partook in leading. If I could somehow feel a smidgen of what was in store for him, maybe I could spiritually pity him better and pray with sincerity of heart for monsters like him.

It is challenging to manage my emotions being blind to God’s potential judgment.

 

[wmw]

bitter
[bit-er]
Spell Syllables
Synonyms Examples Word Origin
adjective, bitterer, bitterest.
1.
having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
2.
producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
3.
hard to bear; grievous; distressful:
a bitter sorrow.
4.
causing pain; piercing; stinging:
a bitter chill.
5.
characterized by intense antagonism or hostility:
bitter hatred.
6.
hard to admit or accept:
a bitter lesson.
7.
resentful or cynical:
bitter words.

I’m finding it hard to find a type of bitterness that would be good to have about any sin. Bitterness is a negative internalization of being hurt. Not a sin, as any externalization might be, but nothing to be happy about and often something to be healed from rather than just goes away on its own.

 

[OneSheep]

I am trying to figure out what my emotions are about Hitler. I have never thought in terms of my forgiving Hitler. To me it would be an insult to those who were directly affected by him to say, “I forgive you Hitler for the horrible deeds you have done to others.” God has that right but I am not God. That action has to be between those who have been harmed and God. That is none of my business.

Hello Helen Rose,

You make a good point. If a person holds nothing against Hitler, then the call to forgive does not apply. However, many of us hold or held something against Hitler, including Eva Kor. Indeed, she held something against all Nazis, even the ones who did not directly harm her, yet she forgave. She forgave even those who did not repent.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=960412

I don’t think of forgiving people for harm done to me as an emotion but a decision. Resentment, I think, is more in the realm of emotions. I can make a decision to forgive a wrong done to me, but then, it may take more time to deal with the resentment. If I wake up in the middle of the night stewing about the past hurt, I try recognize the poison that has entered into my thoughts. I pray for the person who harmed me. We can’t always control our emotions but we can control how we deal with them.
Feelings and emotions are not sins in themselves. What can becomes sinful is how we respond to those emotions and whether or not we enjoy dwelling upon them.

Yes!

Resentment is a triggered response. We don’t decide to resent. Jesus is a realist; He spent a lot more time asking us to forgive than asking us not to judge. We cannot stop our judging, we can choose to forgive once we realize we are judging.

God Bless.

 

[OneSheep]

This is where it gets confusing for me. For example, it is easy for me to forgive Hitler if I disassociate his crimes from my mind, but when I watch Schindler’s List and feel (from the safety of my living room) only a small % of what really happened to those victims - including children - it is very difficult for me not to feel tremendous bitterness (which I believe is resentment) toward Hitler until the memory of that movie fades and I can again forget about the horrifying awfulness of his deeds.

Maybe a Christian is called to separate the criminal from the crime. Maybe we should pity the criminal (in this case, Hitler) and continue to greatly disdain the unfathomable crimes.

Would that approach save the Christian from “resentment”?

Hi IwishIknew!

It is normal, natural, and functional to resent Hitler. Indeed, I would worry more than a little bit about someone who never holds or held something against him.

For me, it doesn’t help my forgiveness to turn my resentment into pity. In addition, every time I have tried to “separate the sin from the sinner” I am only in denial or I am kidding myself.

Indeed, the process of forgiveness takes a lot of prayer, understanding, and humility. When I have forgiven, all resentment is gone toward the person. I have to come to the point of saying “I could have done that, given that person’s blindness and motives.” And then, I have to reconcile with the blindness and the motives. It takes a lot of time and self-reflection, but it is so worth it! If I still resent the person, I am not done, there is some other thing I have not worked through.

Understanding is a gift of the Spirit. A priest once told me, “It is not to condemn or condone, but understand.”

God Bless your day.