What is the proper "Christian response?"

[carol_marie]

My inlaws came for a visit two weeks ago and show no signs of going home. They live a quiet life two states away and we see them 3 times a year. They are good Catholics but they are very difficult people to be around - highly opinioned & “gruff” is putting it mildly. My husband says they like it here because they are lonely at home - plus I cook nice meals which they enjoy (never saying thank you) and they like being around the grandkids. He cannot ask them to leave - and I don’t feel it is my place to say: Go Home.

Although they help around the house (she helps w/ the laundry - he does odd jobs for my husband) I resent them being here 24/7 and I miss my privacy. Plus I LOATHE the running commentary on my life - why do you put your cereal boxes on THAT shelf - THIS shelf would make more sense? Why do you load the dishwasher THAT way… THIS is the way it should go… and so on & so on - ad nausium. Plus she will sit at the table and read the entire paper to me out loud - article by article even though I’ve said I’d like to read it myself. Sounds petty, I know… but honestly, they drive me nuts.

**My moral question: Since they are old & lonely, should I just suck it up and allow them some happiness & keep my mouth shut until they go home who knows when (?) - or should I insist that my husband tell them to hit the road since it’s been TWO weeks already? **

 

[Cristiano]

On the road again…

I think that you should make an effort in being nice, and at the same time talk to your husband about your need for more privacy/intimacy .

 

[Marsha_Adams]

Thank them for being willing to stay a few days. Give them written instructions about the care and feeding of your children. Then you and your husband go have a couple private days alone. When you come back, they wil probably be ready to go home.

 

[Lil_M]

Thank them for being willing to stay a few days. Give them written instructions about the care and feeding of your children. Then you and your husband go have a couple private days alone. When you come back, they wil probably be ready to go home.

I’ll have to keep that one in mind for the future!

To the original poster- I can sympathize, when people seemingly take over my kitchen/house (even very well meaning people) it drives me nuts. My FH just laughs at how territorial I am!

Hope the situation resolves itself peacefully.

 

[leonie]

hey Carolmarie, read Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss. It is a novel. The heroine has to put up with very annoying inlaws for years. But, as she grows older, she sees how that experience has brought her not only closer to the inlaws but closer to God.

 

[Corki]

My MIL stays for a few months at a time. She never tells us when her return flight is until a few days before hand and my husband thinks it is rude to ask her. Not only does she invade my “territory” but I can’t plan anything since I don’t know how long she will stay. She is a non-practicing, mildly anti-Catholic Catholic and I try not to leave her alone with the kids because of that.

That being said, I know she won’t be around forever and my kids only see her about once a year (she lives in another country). I try to grin and bear it. Once she leaves, it takes me months to find all of the things she moved because she thought there was a better place for them to be.

You have my sympathies but I have no good advise. Just “been there, done that”.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Your house, your family, your rules.

If they were in-laws they would have been gone long ago.

 

[carol_marie]

Your house, your family, your rules.

**If they were in-laws they would have been gone long ago.****/**quote]

Yes but how?? And is that nice? This is so silly but last year we rented from netflicks several episodes of The Waltons - to show the kids - anyhow, these past two weeks have made me think of Olivia Walton - she had to live with her in-laws… I wonder if that “Grandma” drove her nuts?

In the olden days people had to put up with their relatives who moved in … am I being selfish? Can’t I put up with the people who raised my wonderful husband - despite the fact that they are grouchy & total butt-ins?

 

[LilyM]

My MIL stays for a few months at a time. She never tells us when her return flight is until a few days before hand and my husband thinks it is rude to ask her.

Make sure to bring up the topic immediately when she says she’s coming to visit. Just casually - ‘you’re coming for a visit? lovely! How long you staying with us?’

I think if it’s put that way it wouldn’t be interpreted in an offensive way.

Tell you what, I really dislike the idea of anyone, even family, thinking that they have a right to stay in your house for an indefinite period. In our family we always give a rough idea of how long we’re staying with someone when we visit.

 

[puzzleannie]

Thank them for being willing to stay a few days. Give them written instructions about the care and feeding of your children. Then you and your husband go have a couple private days alone. When you come back, they wil probably be ready to go home.

ooooohhh, you are harsh, this is the best advice I’ve ever seen for this situation.

 

[carol_marie]

Well my husband spoke to them & they are planning to leave on Friday so my moral obligation is over.

(yippie)

 

[mark_a]

Thank them for being willing to stay a few days. Give them written instructions about the care and feeding of your children. Then you and your husband go have a couple private days alone. When you come back, they wil probably be ready to go home.

Awesome!

 

[Steven_Merten]

Hello Carol Marie,

It seems that your inlaws did many things which anoyed you and you did nothing to modify their behavior and instead only wished for them to leave. When children become adults it is ok for children to deal with their parents on an adult to adult level.

The best outcome I can think of would have been to address their behavior. “We are happy you are here, rather than being lonely at home, but could you please not boss me around”. “We want you to spend time with your grandchildren, but could you purchase an RV to park in the driveway or stay at an extended stay motel to give us some private time.” Hurting their feelings, because you discuss their anoying conduct, is really nothing compared to their opportunity to spend time with their grandchildren or alliviate their loneliness. Getting them to leave or living in agony over their conduct are not the only options.

I am thinking they had no idea they were being anoying and they could have been given the opportunity to modify their behaviour. Had you addressed their anoying behaviour, at least they could have had the opportunity to choose between changing to not anoy you, in order to stay longer with thier grandchildren and to aliviate their lonlyness, or leave, due to no desire to modify their behavior. Many elderly people do not have a clue that they are being an anoyance. Some will change, some will not change, at least they would have had the opportunity to choose. If they did change, this would, hopefully, make it pleasurable to be around them, even in a future short term situation. Hopefully they will feel comfortable to return in the future after your husband spoke to them and they decided to leave.

It was not so long ago that extended families, living in the same house all the time, was common. When I was a kid, I knew of many situations where elderly parents lived with their children and their children’s families. This was before the common thought was that the State should simply pay for elderly people to live in retirement centers or nursing homes. People simply had to discuss their issues, modify, and get along.

I hope you do not feel I am being harsh. I simply feel that we can learn from how they did things in the old days. One of the things that had to happen, or made things far more pleasurable for all involved, when extended family did live together, was an open line of communication, even when and especially when that line of communication involves negative feed back.

 

[jpjd]

It amazes me that people will put up with others being inconsiderate to them (coming to visit but not stating for how long) but be afraid to be “inconsiderate” back (although asking how long do you plan to stay is not inconsiderate in my book).

People will walk all over you only if you let them. Nicely ask them how long they plan to stay. It’s not being rude, it’s wanting to know what plans your immediate future holds!

Next time they announce a visit, pin them down as to the duration at the time of the announcement. If they won’t commit, then commit for them: Well, we’d be happy to have you for 2 weeks. That way everything is upfront and aboveboard and everyone is happy.

 

[jmcrae]

It wouldn’t even dawn on me to visit my relatives without telling them how long I plan to stay, or without making plans to entertain myself at least some of the time.

I have no idea how I’d react to someone doing that to me. Even when my nephew came to stay, when he was having trouble getting along with his dad, we did say, “one month” and I think it was actually less than that. And he was very good about picking up after himself, and helping out around the house - there was never any of that sort of trouble. He did reorganize the bathroom cabinets, but he didn’t actually hide anything on us; we always knew where everything was - he just needed room to put his stuff, too.

 

[carol_marie]

Hello Carol Marie,

It seems that your inlaws did many things which anoyed you and you did nothing to modify their behavior and instead only wished for them to leave. When children become adults it is ok for children to deal with their parents on an adult to adult level.

Hey Steve,
I laughed out loud when I read your post - trying to picture me having a conversation with my inlaws - discussing their behaviors that need modification in a very rational & adult way. I promise you - if you knew me - and knew them, you’d be laughing right along with me. There is no discussing ANYTHING with them - honestly. They are VERY gruff - they bark at each other about everything - never ever say thank you or even a kind word to each other. They are cold German people (not all German people are cold I am told) but these folks are. There is NO discussion - even at dinner time. No - “How was your day?” or “This meatloaf is delicious” or “Tell me about school kids…” NOTHING. In fact, my father in law didn’t speak to my children the entire time he was here except to tell them that they’ll go to hell for not finishing their dinner.

I come from a very happy go lucky, affectionate, loud Italian/Irish family and I just can’t relate to my husband’s family at all. It’s like we’re from different planets. So it isn’t really their behavior that needs changing - it’s more their culture or personalities - or even their outlook on life that, after 17 days (they left this AM) begins to really wear me down. Oh sure, it’s little things they do also that bug me (like read the paper out loud or nit-pick about my cereal boxes) but those things are nothing compared to the way they treat me & each other. All the talk in the world isn’t going to change them - they are who they are.

But I agree with you, I need to just put up with them because they are family. So I do. But after 17 days I’ve already qualified for Sainthood … and I just want them to go home.

Which they did.

 

[dulcissima]

I wonder if you would like it better if they lived closer and you just had them there for tiny little visits but more regularly. It seems like it would be a whole lot less oppressive. It might also give everyone a chance to relate to them on different levels.

Actually, they do sound very comical, but I am sure after a couple of weeks it is hard to live with that kind of humor.

 

[Sixtus]

y moral question: Since they are old & lonely, should I just suck it up and allow them some happiness & keep my mouth shut until they go home

ABOLUTELY NO!!!

It was very kind of you to take them in and make them feel at home. It was very rude and ungratful of them to treat you in that way.

You have every right to feel sore. You have the right to make the rules which they should obey if they come to visit you again. If they break the rules, you have the right to tell them to leave.

Given enough time and opportunity, that could cause you to have a nervous breakdown. It is nothing short of abuse of your hospitality with the inherent risk it could abuse your state of mental health.

Jesus did tell us we should not throw our pearls before swine.

You are expected to be charitable. You are not expected to be abused and treated as a door mat. See his teaching on divorce, which was His reaction not to divorce but to this very attitude.