What makes a person a good conversationalist?

[KathyA]

I work with the public and have had people comment that I’m very efficient at my job. I consider myself “friendly”, but know that I could be friendlier too. There are times when there is kind of an awkward stretch of silence and I feel like I should/could say something, but don’t.

These situations float over to the social realm too. I’m not really one to just mindlessly chat with people…I usually prefer “deeper” conversation about things that matter. That said, I think there is great value in being able to converse with people. I wish it were easier for me!

If you are good at making conversation, what are your secrets? If you are a wannabe like me, what characteristics have you noticed about the expert talkers that you would like to adopt?

Kathy

 

[survive]

1. Mirror at the right times and without exaggeration. Take turns at first mirroring and letting the other person mirror. This has been described as a secret technique of subliminal what-have-you, but it’s just imitating the instinctive body language of natural extraverts among people they like. It merely gives the impression that you’re comfortable with the person you’re talking with. They like that. It makes them feel popular and relaxed.
2. Subjects they would be interested in and which also interest you. If this is hard, look for a present need. Someone is struggling to get the dots out of a punch and you’re bouncing a pencil by the eraser. This is obviously not the time for mirroring, but it’s a good time to say, “Those things need to be made to empty more easily, don’t they?” He says, “Well, there are better ones, and this company won’t pay for them.” So you say, “I wonder why they can afford the party no one goes to but not good supplies?” This is just a way to get him rolling about his opinions of the company and the parties and so on. You’re feeding him straight lines in a way.
3. Don’t go on too long about anything. Respond but don’t give speeches and performances.

 

[Trishie]

My thoughts on your question

I think one needs first of all, to value oneself as a worthwhile human person. To be a good conversationalist a basic need is to have interest in others. Lstening carefully to others is important.

One of the most effective ways of being a good conversationalist is to encourage the other person to talk, by considered questions and by showing interest in their lives. As they speak, you then have something to respond to. People are often happy to talk about their interests and lives…and even if you don’t say a great deal, they still find you to be good company, a sympathetic listener…and a good conversationalist!

And what Survive says

 

[LSK]

be willing to love, rather than be loved, to understand, rather than be understood, ask questions and listen and most of all think to yourself, “How can I make THIS person happy they met ME, a member of The Church, without them even knowing I AM a member of the Church…yet…”

 

[gardenswithkids]

…If you are a wannabe like me, what characteristics have you noticed about the expert talkers that you would like to adopt?

Kathy

I’ll give a wannabee answer. I’m naturally pretty shy, but I observe and listen a lot.

I think interest in what the other person is key. Seems like really good conversationalists can make chit-chat long enough to discover the other person’s interest. Some might be “good conversationalists” at first meeting but they never get beyond small talk. To me, small talk is just warm up until you can find something better to talk about.

Nevertheless, don’t overlook the importance of small talk–because it is the warm up. Just jumping into a deep philosophical coversation about intimate life issues with strangers is rather peculiar in real life. (Yet we do it all the time here. Maybe the internet is not the best place to learn good conversation skills.)

Small talk ideas: the weather, (if you live someplace with interesting weather) non-political current events, sports and cultural events.

I have one relative who is particular good at small talk, and she is rather charming when you first meet her. She can make conversation with just about anyone. I noticed one time while hanging around with her at a gathering that she had one interesting, upbeat story she told repeatedly throughout the evening to everyone she spoke with. It seemed to just come up out of nowhere, but she had something (possibly “pre-planned”) to say to fill the awkward silence. Now this same person who is not particularly good at converstaion much beyond small talk, but I noted her technique and it seemed to set people at ease.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Trishie said what I had come here to say.

 

[truthseeker22]

I too wish it was much easier for me to converse with people. I always pray that God can give me that gift in order to give Him glory. But maybe it is just one more weakness I have to offer up every single day.