What makes a person capable of married life?

[MadeUpNickname]

I am working on starting the annulment process and in answering the questionnaire, it’s bringing up more questions on my part.

One question asks: Were each of you capable of married life together (i.e., mature enough, ready and able to accept the responsibilities of marriage?)

Well, this has me asking myself:

What is maturity?
What makes a person “mature enough” to get married?
How can I really answer this question in regard to his maturity level? How do you measure someone else’s level of maturity? Heck, how do I really even measure mine? (I think its easier to measure my own though cause at least I know what my frame of mind and motives were at the time.)

And finally, what are the real responsibilies of marriage? What are a husband’s responsibilities? What are a wife’s responsibilities?

I know its up to the Tribunal as to the outcome of the annulment but I’m just over analyzing this for myself. I guess I’m kind of trying to look at the situation, and our personalities then and now from a more impersonal view point.

 

[JulianN]

I am working on starting the annulment process and in answering the questionnaire, it’s bringing up more questions on my part.

One question asks: Were each of you capable of married life together (i.e., mature enough, ready and able to accept the responsibilities of marriage?)

Well, this has me asking myself:

What is maturity?
What makes a person “mature enough” to get married?
How can I really answer this question in regard to his maturity level? How do you measure someone else’s level of maturity? Heck, how do I really even measure mine? (I think its easier to measure my own though cause at least I know what my frame of mind and motives were at the time.)

And finally, what are the real responsibilies of marriage? What are a husband’s responsibilities? What are a wife’s responsibilities?

I know its up to the Tribunal as to the outcome of the annulment but I’m just over analyzing this for myself. I guess I’m kind of trying to look at the situation, and our personalities then and now from a more impersonal view point.

You might want to talk with your procurator/advocate – or whoever is helping you fill out the paperwork. He or she should be able to ask you some thought-provoking questions to help you focus your answer.

Good luck – although this is a legal process, it can be very healing as well.

 

[LucyLou]

My DH had to answer similar questions for his brother’s annulment proceedings. In addition to the above suggested advise, talk to several family members and close friends who could shed some light on what they saw in your relationship with your ex. Ask them to be honest, but be prepared to hear negative feedback (that is what this is for – presenting reasons why your marriage was not valid or could be considered not valid according to Church laws).

Maturity also relates to one’s ability to accept the Church’s teaching on marriage, birthcontrol, and committing to raising children in the Catholic Church. Additionally, it is one’s abilty to make a commitment and fullfil it. Age is not necessarily a factor.

I also suggest meeting with your parish priest. He probably has experience in the annulment process and has seen and read successful paperwork.

God Bless and Keep you,

 

[nodito]

One question asks: Were each of you capable of married life together (i.e., mature enough, ready and able to accept the responsibilities of marriage?)

Well, this has me asking myself:

What is maturity?
What makes a person “mature enough” to get married?
How can I really answer this question in regard to his maturity level? How do you measure someone else’s level of maturity? Heck, how do I really even measure mine? (I think its easier to measure my own though cause at least I know what my frame of mind and motives were at the time.)

And finally, what are the real responsibilies of marriage? What are a husband’s responsibilities? What are a wife’s responsibilities?

I’ve thought about this at length myself. During my engagement I struggled with whether or not I was really “ready” to be married. Now I approach it like this: what is marriage and what does it require? Marriage is a lifelong gift of self, in which a man and a woman voluntarily bind themselves to each other for life. The spouses do this freely out of love for each other because they wish to help each other get to heaven. It is permanent and irrevocable, even if one of the spouses later decides to cheat or lie or leave. It demands selfless love, the willing acceptance of children, and all the responsibilities that come with raising children.

I would consider someone mature enough for marriage when they were capable of consistently acting in their partner’s best interest, able to communicate problems or concerns in a respectful, gentle, and firm manner, and willing to have and educate children. The spouses should have also have the means of supporting their future family. I would consider a Catholic mature enough for marriage when he or she met all these requirements and also had a good understanding of their Catholic faith while practicing it, well, religiously.

Only you can answer how ready or mature you were before you attempted marriage. But I would imagine that you might also have an idea of how mature your fiance was. For me, I knew that my husband was mature enough for marriage when we were able to discuss beforehand how we would handle the various difficulties that we might experience during marriage (like illness, unemployment, infertility, etc.), when he consistenly reaffirmed that divorce would never be an option for us, when I saw him exhibit so much love and care for his younger siblings, and when he frequently sacrificed his own comfort for my wellbeing.

Continue to pray during your annulment process. I’ve heard that it can be a very eye-opening experience. Good luck and God bless!

 

[MadeUpNickname]

Thanks for your replies. I have spoken with an advocate and that was helpful.

I’m not really looking for advice but just curious what other people view as the definition or meaning of the word maturity, as well as what our responsibilities are in a marriage. What does the Church really tells us about this?

I haven’t been able to find anything about maturity in regard to the Catholic Churchs teachings but wikipedia defines it as " a psychological term used to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner."

“Maturity is something of personal character or how one acts in stressful or difficult situations because then a person’s true ability to react to a situation can be seen”

“Additional ways to judge if a person is mature include rational thinking and logical explanation in solving a problem, and the art of reasoning while debating.”

I don’t necessarily trust Wikipedia as a great resource but this definition most closely fits what I consider to be maturity, I guess.

Another website had a list of indicators of maturity that included being in touch with reality, and being guided by facts, being willing to examine your beliefs in an objective manner, to be guided by reasons rather than emotion and be able to distinguish between the two and accomodate them approprietly and intelligently in your life and priorities, to be assertive without being agressive, be receptive to new knowledge, show a willingness to learn new skills, be inquisitive (seek answers), gather info before arriving at a conclusion…the list goes on.

Honestly, none of this really fits my ex-husband. I would say he’s mature in the sense that he gets up and goes to work every day and it pretty much ends there. He does that because its just what he was taught to do, and he’s never questioned anything before. He doesn’t think for himself…he accepts whatever anyone tells him (except me, apparently, LOL) as the truth and starts spouting it himself.

We had an argument once about unions. I will preface this by saying that I have never worked for a union so I don’t really have hands-on knowledge of them but I’ve heard many opinions on them, I’ve done a little research of my own and I’ve formed my own opinion. His dad has worked as part of a union for more years than he has been alive so its all he’s ever known. His dad has said that unions are the way to go and so he accepts that.

Well, our city workers went on strike one summer. Our garbage was stacking up, getting rather stinky and so mom and I planned to make a dump run. My parents lived in the county anyway so they always hauled their own trash…she brought their trailer by and we loaded up our garbage and off we went. My xdh was angry that we would dare cross their picket line and said he was worried that they wouldn’t treat us well.

I expressed my opinion, that if they didn’t like their working conditions that they should just go find another job. That I thought it was kind of low to basically hold the city hostage until their demands are met. Personally I think unions are a bully tactic…for the rest of us, if we feel we are being treated unfairly we stand up for ourselves, or find a new job.

A friend of the family when I was a kid was working for the union and he said that most the time when they were on strike, they didn’t even know what for…I have to ask myself why someone would want someone else to represent them when the other person doesn’t even know what you think or want or how you feel about something.

Anyway, I expressed my opinion which just made him mad. He had no defense…I asked him why he disagreed with my opinion and asked what made a union great. He had no idea but was just really angry with me for putting down the unions. I think he felt like it was in someway an affront to his dad or something.

Now, I do understand that there are benefits to a union (the Brotherhood of Electical Workers here pays 100% of the health insurance for ANY family members in the house hold - In-laws, grandparents, siblings, etc. THat’s a pretty good benefit!) but I just think, for me, the negatives outweigh the positives…and I don’t want to work for someone that doesn’t want to treat me well, that has to be bullied into paying me fairly, etc.

I don’t think xdh ever did put any thought into this…or at least he never offered an opinion to me. I did over hear him once telling someone else what a crock the unions are though…he basically told them everything that I had said. Did he really believe that? I don’t know…I just saw him going from spouting the little he’d heard his dad say, to spouting my opinion. These little episodes never made him look very mature, in my opinion.

Looking back on things I would say that I was pretty mature for an 18 year old girl but mature enough to make the decision to marry? Or who to marry? I wasn’t there either. I think my main criteria for a potential spouse was someone that wouldn’t beat on me when he was drunk. I think I had the maturity to commit myself to something though and keep my commitment.

As far as responsibilies in a marriage: (I read in an article on this webpage, “Wives Do What” - actually taken from a Southern Baptist Convention) that a husband’s responsibility toward his family is to provide, protect and lead.

I can think of instances where he let the family down in each of those areas but does that really mean he wasn’t ready or able to accept those responsibilities?

The same article states that a wife’s responsiblity is to submit to her husband’s leadership. She is also supposed to respect her husband, and serve as his helper in the household and nurturing the next generation.

I think I was willing and able to accept these responsibilities. I do wonder though, what if there is no leadership from the husband? Or if it’s obvious that the direction the husband is leading is not good for the family?