What Should I Do?

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Lilyofthevalley

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I need to know what I should do about this matter if anything.About 2 weeks ago my step daughter, who is 24 and has a four year old daughter,told me something vile.It did not register completely until I said it outloud.
Anyway, my step daughter said she had a girlfriend over. Along with the girlfriend came the girlfriend’s 4 year old daughter.The girlfriend’s boyfriend came over as well
My step daughter claims she took her girlsfriend’s daughter and her own daughter into her own room to watch T.V.
Her girlfriend proceeded to take a shower with her boyfriend and went in my step daughter’s 4 year old’s room and had sex. They left a used prophylatic on the floor which my step daughter’s mother discovered the next day.My step daughter claims she had no idea what they were doing… I am beginning to think she has lost her marbles and perhaps needs state intervention.
What should I say? Should I call the state on her?
 
No, I would NOT call the state on your stepdaughter.

She may indeed have known what was going on, but think about the position she was in. How many of us would want to barge in on our friend and friend’s boyfriend having sex in the next room?!!

If she had actually done that, the two little girls would definitely have been exposed to scandal–the possible protests and confrontation would have been obvious to the girls. You don’t say whether or not the two four-year-olds seemed aware of what was going on, but at least by not openly knocking on the door and making a scene, she might have succeeded in the girls being minimally aware of what was happening.

It sounds more like she did the only thing she could do in a weird situation like that: took the two little girls into her own room and watched television until the sexcapade was over.

Obviously if your stepdaughter wasn’t bothered by a situation like that, she would not have confided to you about how strange it was. I’m really surprised that you want to automatically turn your stepdaughter into the authorities over a situation that was beyond her control–she couldn’t exactly have stopped two able-bodied adults from having sex. The best she could have done, perhaps, was take the girls outside. Instead she kept them in her own room with the television on and hoped they would not hear or notice.

It sounds like your stepdaughter might benefit from a good mothering example. She might also benefit from discussing boundaries and what she will or will not allow in her own home. I know plenty of girls her age (I am 25 myself) who have not grown up enough to simply say, “No, this is my house and I won’t tolerate that sort of behavior.” I would spend some time discussing this with my stepdaughter and asking her about the support she might need from you and your husband, as opposed to just picking up the phone and “reporting” her to state authorities.
 
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Princess_Abby:
No, I would NOT call the state on your stepdaughter.

She may indeed have known what was going on, but think about the position she was in. How many of us would want to barge in on our friend and friend’s boyfriend having sex in the next room?!!

If she had actually done that, the two little girls would definitely have been exposed to scandal–the possible protests and confrontation would have been obvious to the girls. You don’t say whether or not the two four-year-olds seemed aware of what was going on, but at least by not openly knocking on the door and making a scene, she might have succeeded in the girls being minimally aware of what was happening.

It sounds more like she did the only thing she could do in a weird situation like that: took the two little girls into her own room and watched television until the sexcapade was over.

Obviously if your stepdaughter wasn’t bothered by a situation like that, she would not have confided to you about how strange it was. I’m really surprised that you want to automatically turn your stepdaughter into the authorities over a situation that was beyond her control–she couldn’t exactly have stopped two able-bodied adults from having sex. The best she could have done, perhaps, was take the girls outside. Instead she kept them in her own room with the television on and hoped they would not hear or notice.

It sounds like your stepdaughter might benefit from a good mothering example. She might also benefit from discussing boundaries and what she will or will not allow in her own home. I know plenty of girls her age (I am 25 myself) who have not grown up enough to simply say, “No, this is my house and I won’t tolerate that sort of behavior.” I would spend some time discussing this with my stepdaughter and asking her about the support she might need from you and your husband, as opposed to just picking up the phone and “reporting” her to state authorities.
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Ditto. Based on what your post said, child welfare probably wouldn’t investigate this anyway.
 
yeah, don’t call CPS. But don’t ignore the situation either. Thats great that she feels comfortable enough discussing it with you. This is an awesome opportunity for you to be a mom to her and give her advice! I’ll be praying for you both!
 
Lily, I have one thing to say:
Matthew 7:1-5 “Judge not, that ye may not be judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considereth not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, ‘Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?’ Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
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I don’t think she’s judging the girl, but the questionable actions. She is concerned for the children, even though I don’t think she has reason to be concerned in this case.
 
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BlindSheep:
Lily, I have one thing to say:
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Was Jesus judging when he turned over the tables of the vendors in the temple area? Sometimes we must act strongly.

Good quote but maybe just a bit strong, IMHO. God bless you!
 
I’m really surprised that you want to automatically turn your stepdaughter into the authorities over a situation that was beyond her control–she couldn’t exactly have stopped two able-bodied adults from having sex.

Unfortunately, she has been investigated before,by the state, as the person she had watching her child,her best friend, and living with her was a druggy. She informed me when the state came in they had a police officer with them and the police officers searched her apartment. I thought that was suspect. When the state DHS investigates they usually don’t bring the cops with them unless something majore is going on, or so I thoughts.
Blind Sheep, unfortunately, this girl has been investigated by the state before. I had her living with me when she just had her baby because her mother had some dude she picked up out of jail living with her.So none of you think the used condom on the ground in a four year old’s room is anything to flip out about? Call me nuts but I think of the baby picking it up and getting a disease something from it.
 
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EsclavoDeCristo:
Was Jesus judging when he turned over the tables of the vendors in the temple area? Sometimes we must act strongly.

Good quote but maybe just a bit strong, IMHO. God bless you!
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I agree that this quote is often misused to promote relativism and indifference in the face of evil, however, I do believe it fits in this case.
What is a worse sin - having friends who fornicate in your home, or using birth control? The stepdaughter certainly could choose better friends - however, LOTV was actually considering calling child protective - that’s a little strong! And I wonder where all this righteous indignation in the face of sexual sin is coming from…perhaps it could find a better target. :hmmm:
 
LOTV was actually considering calling child protective - that’s a little strong! And I wonder where all this righteous indignation in the face of sexual sin is coming from…perhaps it could find a better target.

I am thinking about the dirty condom and the baby getting into it. Unfortunately, her friend goes to clubs etc. and my step daughter found out her friend has herpes.
 
Maybe it would be better to call child protective about your stepdaughter’s friend, instead of on your stepdaughter.
I know if anyone left a condom in my daughter’s room they would never be allowed in my house again. I would break off any contact with them. How did your stepdaughter react?
 
My stepdaughter said that when her mother discovered the used condom on the floor she was SCREAMED at. Her mother was, to say the least, extremely upset and my step daughter stated she felt humiliated. THEN she told her friend and my step daughter was surprised at her friend’s reaction. Her friend was upset that Jessica’s mother knew it was from her “encounter”.
I hope Jessica, my step daughter, leans towards NOT hanging out with this girl so much. I have told her that it’s not a good idea to hang around someone who behaves in such a matter.
😦 She was concerned about helping her and I told her to take her to AA or something she seems to hang out at clubs and like many different men.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:
I’m really surprised that you want to automatically turn your stepdaughter into the authorities over a situation that was beyond her control–she couldn’t exactly have stopped two able-bodied adults from having sex.

Unfortunately, she has been investigated before,by the state, as the person she had watching her child,her best friend, and living with her was a druggy. She informed me when the state came in they had a police officer with them and the police officers searched her apartment. I thought that was suspect. When the state DHS investigates they usually don’t bring the cops with them unless something majore is going on, or so I thoughts.
Blind Sheep, unfortunately, this girl has been investigated by the state before. I had her living with me when she just had her baby because her mother had some dude she picked up out of jail living with her.So none of you think the used condom on the ground in a four year old’s room is anything to flip out about? Call me nuts but I think of the baby picking it up and getting a disease something from it.
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I’m not saying that it’s anything to flip out about, but I’m not sure that child protective would do anything. Also, we were all going on what you posted originally.
I think that the reason the police were brought before was that drugs were involved and the state couldn’t do the search themselves. So, no, they don’t bring the cops unless something major is going on.

Isn’t the fact that she told you a good thing?

I would suggest that you look up (online) the laws regarding child abuse/neglect and see if this situation applies.
 
The “friend” has to go. No question about it. And I don’t think you’re “judging” in this case, either. There is a child, nay, children involved, and someone has to be looking out for them. If the step-daughter allows this to happen again, I would take it more seriously than the first time. Once can be considered an accident. Twice is endangering the child. Since you have her ear, encourage her to break ties with the promiscuous girl and her boyfriend.
 
surf(name removed by moderator)ure thank-you, I suggested that she tell her friend to get it together and until then there is no point in associating with her.

Isn’t the fact that she told you a good thing?

I would suggest that you look up (online) the laws regarding child abuse/neglect and see if this situation applies.​

I wonder why she told me in the first place. 😦
I live in another state and I really wish I knew exactly what was going on. I eventually told my husband, her father, and he was EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY upset.
 
Her friend was unspeakably rude and inappropriate… taking advantage of when a friend allows one to take a shower in her home to have sex in her four-year-old’s bedroom… while your unaware friend babysits the children? What was to keep one of the kids from walking in on them? And then leaving their “evidence”? Who would do that? Judgemental? Believe me… even in the secular world of live-in boyfriends, that was way out of bounds. Even in “the world”, there are times when people are expected to have enough class to know when to keep their pants up, out of respect for their hosts. Still, I could believe your stepdaughter. There are people who are that rude. That your stepdaughter did not act more concerned may have been that she was defensive about her choice of friends.

You were right to tell her that her friend was out-of-bounds. If any of my married friends had done such a thing, I would have been utterly offended, and would seriously considering cutting off my relationship with them.

But she’s a grown-up. By all means don’t give her the impression that she can’t confide in you. Humbly offering advice when advice is asked for (or the request is implied), and offering it as advice, not a directive, is all you can do. Do give her the assurance that a fine person like her can find friends that will treat her with more respect, and that for her daughter’s sake if nothing else, she really ought to find some.
 
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