What should I do?

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BOBKAT

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Hi,

I need some help I have an adult son who along with his younger cousin robbed my sister and her husband to make a long story short It has been a real nightmare for me and my family. Let me start by saying that I don’t care for my BIL and I didn’t care for him before this and now it’s worse. Anyhow after they did this my son cried to me and told me how sorry he was and he went around my sisters house on his own and while my BIL punched him in the face he apologized to them. Anyhow I always thought that he needed to do more I even suggested to my sister to call the cops. My son was 21 and my nephew was 16 at the time and my nephew had access to the house the nephew also belongs to my other sister who my BIL takes care of them and that is where my problem with him began. Anyhow these two have never really been punished. I had made a deal with my son that if he wanted to he can still live with me but he had to pay them on a weekly basis well he paid them for a few weeks than stopped and ever since than I feel that he was never really sorry for what he had done. And to this day I haven’t spoke with either of my sisters because they blamed him because he was the oldest. The had the access to the house and the money yet he was not held responsible and that is partly why I didn’t go harder on him. I see now that I made a terrible mistake and mostly because I held out hope that he would redeem himself and me and make things better between my sisters and I. How after all this time can I tell him that I can’t even speak to him without contempt for what he did. I am so lost as to how to handle this that I sometimes want to run away. He seems to have no remorse and my feelings are not important to him. He seems to just want everything to be okay and he’ll live with what he has done while I carry it. Can anyone offer some sound advice.

Thanks,

Sorry it is so long.

Kathleen
 
Kathleen,

First, you need to talk to a priest. You are carrying some guilt for your son’s actions. Your son is an adult and he has the free will to make his choices, even if they are wrong. Your sisters are wrong to make you accountable for your son’s actions, this incident is between your sister who was the victim and your son. Your BIL was wrong to hit him, violence is not the answer, especially when your son was seeking forgivness. What did your BIL teach him? Basically not to seek forgivness, your BIL needs to go to confession.

Your son needs to go to confession and make his peace with God, otherwise this guilt for his actions will cause him to do other things he will regret later. Satan loves to keep us prisoner within our own emotions and will ride this for as long as possible. This is why he must seek God’s forgiveness and understand that God will forgive him!

What was the value of the crime? If it was over $400 then it would be considered a felony, so calling the police will put him in jail even if your BIL decides to drop the charges. (My sister’s best friend is a detective for the police force.)

You need to speak to your sisters, this is difficult, but you should not let this come between you three(?). Your family is one of the most important things in this world, you need to repair this bond. Again, Satan loves to make us feel isolated and unloved. God wants peace, love, and support. What your son did was wrong, and as a mother we tend to feel responsible for our children’s actions (did we fail as mothers?), but he is beyond the age of reasoning. Ask your sisters for help and guidance, this is humbling, but pride is a deadly sin. And ask God take over, let go of the guilt, worry, etc. Give it all to God and trust he will make something good come from it.

Go talk to your priest, he is more trained in this than I will ever be! He will know where to go!

Peace and Blessings,
kp1
 
Hi Kathleen. I will say a prayer for you and your son.

My suggestion is probably the hardest for you to accept. Throw him out of the house. Or better, convince him to join the military.

I took in my 17 year old nephew when my sister couldn’t handle him. He was good for a few months and then started to be disobedient. He eventually asked to go back home to Mommy because we were too strict. Well, back home for 2 days and he was expelled from school. Fortunately he had enough credits to graduate so the Marines took him. He is now assisting in New Orleans and from what I hear, attending weekly Mass.

Sometimes our children need “tough love”. They call it that because it is tough on the parent, not necessarily the child.

God Bless you and your son.
 
Thanks,

I did get him out of the house and now he lives with his girlfriend and their son. My biggest issue is this while God’s forgiveness is paramount to mine how can I be okay to even speak with him if he cares nothing about God’s forgiveness or mine for that matter. I told him he needs confession and every chance I get I ask him. I can’t seem to get pass this and I don’t believe it’s pride I think it’s saddness I want to forgive him and move on, but he doesn’t seem to think that he needs my forgiveness. As for my sisters I am talking to my youngest sister, but not the way we use to and I am okay with that as for my other sister it’s her husband God forgive me, but I think he is evil there is something about him the gets under my skin. That’s all I can say about him.

Thanks
 
Kathleen, you have a big burden on your mother’s heart. I am so sorry.

This man is a father himself? I wonder, is there a substance abuse problem going on? What did he use the money for? It is none of my business, but it does make one suspect that something more is driving him than simple greed.

I am going to recommend you look into Al-Anon. It is a spiritually based 12 step program that can help you, in a practical way, love your son without being sucked into his madness.

The 12 Steps are very similar to the prayer/retreat discipline developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola. Your priest should be familiar with it.
 
No he doesn’t have a drug or alcohol problem he seems to be a lazy person with no motivation for anything. He knew when he stole how wrong it was and he believes or at least I think he believes that as long as he doesn’t do it anymore everything is okay. That is my heartache I can’t seem to make him aware of his errors and he wants to have a regular relationship with me and I am not able to move ahead in this way. I will tell you this he didn’t steal as a child. This was something that he just did. If that makes sense.

Thank you so much
Kathleen
 
It sounds like your son just needs some space from you, as painful as it might be for both of you. He has a life, a child with a woman he’s not married to. He has a lot of issues going on that are wrong for his soul. If he has apologized, take that at face value and leave it at that and begin to detach from you son emotionally. This will be, at least for the short term, a child that will be a disappointment for you because of the choices that he’s been making for some time. All you can do is be honest with your sisters and share your sorrow/shame with them. In time, they will see that this isn’t your problem, that some children make bad choices in spite of wonderful, loving mothers. God will address your suffering and heal the wounds caused by this incident. When you are over this, you will be in a better position to help him.
 
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BOBKAT:
I did get him out of the house and now he lives with his girlfriend and their son. My biggest issue is this while God’s forgiveness is paramount to mine how can I be okay to even speak with him if he cares nothing about God’s forgiveness or mine for that matter. I told him he needs confession and every chance I get I ask him. I can’t seem to get pass this and I don’t believe it’s pride I think it’s saddness I want to forgive him and move on, but he doesn’t seem to think that he needs my forgiveness. As for my sisters I am talking to my youngest sister, but not the way we use to and I am okay with that as for my other sister it’s her husband God forgive me, but I think he is evil there is something about him the gets under my skin. That’s all I can say about him.
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Spend some time reflecting on the story of the prodigal son. Chew on it, day by day. You are in the same boat that God sits in every day. Even though we often forget, He does this with every one of us. The father in the story waited with high expectation, but he did not go after the prodigal. This is only one thing that this story might say to you, over time.

You have encouraged your son to repent and make amends, you have refused to facilitate his crime, that is good. Whether he is in prison or sailing through a seminary, you pray for him, because only God sees what is essential. This is good, too. But in the end, his soul is his soul. Sometimes, sadness is the right response, and a willingness to forgive is all that you can offer.

Your relationship with your sisters, on the other hand, is your work to do. It is not right to let this crime come between you. If your sisters attack your son unfairly, or even if they merely increase your own embarrassment over what he did, you will naturally want to come to his defense. Once you are satisfied that you have done what you can, though, it is better to avoid the subject entirely, rather than to be at odds with them about it.

Unless you encourage antipathy towards others in yourself, your feelings are morally neutral. Jesus does not ask you to *like *your sisters, your BIL, your nephews, or even your son. He does command that you love them, which St. Paul describes in great detail in 1 Cor 13. He promises to send you the Holy Spirit to help you. Do not fear, and even if you fail, get up again. He will not leave you orphaned.

This is a journey of a lifetime, and we’re all on that same hard road. Live in hope for the day you will all have slipped the grip of sin, when all will be repented and all forgiven, and you will all rejoice together in the victory God has brought about in you. God willing, all of us will be there to rejoice right along with you.
 
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BOBKAT:
No he doesn’t have a drug or alcohol problem he seems to be a lazy person with no motivation for anything. He knew when he stole how wrong it was and he believes or at least I think he believes that as long as he doesn’t do it anymore everything is okay. That is my heartache I can’t seem to make him aware of his errors and he wants to have a regular relationship with me and I am not able to move ahead in this way. I will tell you this he didn’t steal as a child. This was something that he just did. If that makes sense.

Thank you so much
Kathleen
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I’m so sorry. I know it is easy for me to say ‘unite your suffering with Christ’ as though that will take the pain away - it won’t, but it will give it some meaning.

If your son, who is now a father himself, stole only for the ‘fun’ of it and cannot seem to get it through his head that what he did has changed people’s view of him, then there is something going on here that we do not understand. Either some sort of mental illness, substance abuse (that he is hiding), gambling, etc. is running his life right now or he is going through the ‘immoral stage’ of life so many of us did at that same time period.

You may have to change your relationship with him - it is no longer possible to have a ‘regular’ relationship with a thief. That does not mean you stop loving him - just that you will need to ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’. That’s not an easy thing to do. My prayers are with you and I hope you and your family heal from this - :love:
 
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