What to do about a parent

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ellam25

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Asking for advice about my dad.
Every weekend he comes over. It’s not a bad thing except that he’ll come at noon on Saturday and Sunday and won’t leave till at least 10 pm. I love my dad and don’t want to be mean but the weekends are literally the only time I am pretty much able to see my husband since I work mornings and he works afternoons. Yesterday he called me and said he was coming over and I told him why don’t you come over in the evening for dinner? And he got kind of upset but said ok. Today he called at noon and said he was on his way!!! I told him no, I thought we agreed on the evening? And he got extremely huffy and hung up on me. We also have a newborn so I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep and I have been having trouble with mastitis so I’m also not feeling very good.
Aside from all this, I have been wanting to put a damper on his long visits because he will bring wine and get pretty drunk (he’s not very nice when he drinks and denies that alcohol affects him in any way) and will say extremely insulting things in front of my three year old. Not to me but he has no qualms saying “f&g” when talking about a gay person or saying pretty racist things. When I ask him not to talk that way in front of my daughter he laughs at me and basically accuses me of being a “snowflake”.
I just don’t know what to do and how to do it respectfully as he is my dad. I don’t want to upset him or cause bad blood but my husband and I are pretty fed up. We get he’s lonely but we need our family time too
 
Explain to your dad that you have decided that you will not allow people to drive while intoxicated from your home. If he chooses to come over, you will be ordering him an Uber if he drinks.

You can also make a “no drinking in our home” rule.

While there will come a time when your dad does not come over any more, it sounds like right now you need a schedule.

Tell him “Dad, we will be happy to see you after Mass for lunch. We then have an appointment (you do not have to tell him what that appointment is for, it can be for naps) at 3 PM, so we will wind up the luncheon at 2:30 PM”. Be a broken record.

You do not have to answer every phone call.

If dad shows up unannounced, it is okay to say “Dad, this is not a good time, we will see you next Sunday after Mass for Sunday lunch”.

You say he is lonely, can you reach out to the Knights of Columbus and get him involved there?
 
It sounds like you’re actually on the right track, honestly. It’s not comfortable to have to set limits on a parent, but a lot of times it’s necessary. You don’t want your kids to learn that how he behaves is ok, especially if he’s routinely drinking to excess and speaking inappropriately in front of them.

You have the right to tell him no and just not open the door, if you don’t want to. But I know that can be hard for a lot of people to do. I might suggest, if you can find a decent place with the kids, possibly planning some afternoon activities for a few weekends. So he can be told, sorry, we’re not going to be home so you can’t come over.

But ultimately this is going to come down to telling him no and sticking to it, just like you would with one of the children. He can’t be allowed to be coming in and getting drunk in front of the children. (I’d suggest he needs help with his alcohol problem, but it doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen anytime soon.) I’d say at the very least bar him from bringing any alcohol over and tell him the visit’s over if he starts being crude or insulting. It’s going to be very hard on you and you’re probably at some point going to have to shut the door in his face.

But you’re treating him respectfully by expecting him to behave like an adult.
 
You may find that attending AlAnon (it is for the family members of alcoholics) can give you some support and coping suggestions.
 
I would tell him you now keep a dry house. Then he won’t come over anymore. And if he calls you a “snowflake” for objecting to racist language, tell him it’s your igloo. I seriously wouldn’t have any of that in front of my kids.
 
Yeah my husband had to ask him to leave before when it got really bad. Nothing is ever his fault though so when that happened he left didn’t talk to us for a long time because he was mad
 
It sounds like there are two isssues, the lack of respect of your family’s schedule and need for privacy, and then the drinking. I would be sure to keep them separate, although you can deal with them together.

I would wait until a weeknight and invite Dad over unexpectadly. In other words, I would not have a chat with him during a normal visit. You need to make an impact.

So you get together with him, and you tell him what is troubling you exactly in the words you used in your post. You said nothing disrespectful, at all.

Then you set boundaries and stick to them, whatever they may be.

It is clear from your post that you really love your Dad, regardless of the trouble he can be. I am sure that will come through when you discuss these two issues with him.
 
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ellam25 said:
I don’t want to upset him
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Yes well, you may upset him and you are just going to have to learn to be OK with that.

We cannot please everyone and your father has exceeded the boundaries long enough. You are going to have to set boundaries, and if he doesn’t like them that is HIS problem and not yours. I would not allow him to come over every weekend. I would tell him he needs to wait for an invitation. And if he starts his racist remarks and insults you with “snowflake” comments or brings alcohol and gets drunk tell him to leave and that he will not be getting another invitation until he can respect you and your home.

You need to get over the need to please and peacemake.
 
As others have said, you need to set some limits.

Tell Dad he is welcome to visit at such and such time, only. If he comes at other times, ask him politely to leave or have your husband do it.

Further, tell your dad he is not permitted to bring alcohol or use racist language in front of your kids, and if he does either, he will be asked to leave your house.

Your dad is behaving like a giant child. If he has a drinking problem, his judgment is likely off. You are perfectly within your rights to set limits and you should do so. If he gets mad, too bad.
 
TheLittleLady said:
You may find that attending AlAnon (it is for the family members of alcoholics) can give you some support and coping suggestions.
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I’m going to second this. Dad’s definitely got a drinking problem. Possibly other problems as well - but that’s often the case. You can’t fix it, but a support group could be extremely useful to helping work out your own situation.
 
First, get used to the idea…it’s not going to be easy…

Then, start setting limits. If you decide not to let him bring alcohol to drink, stick to your decision! Frankly, think of what your kids are learning…it’s all right to curse, drive after drinking, not be respectful of your rules??? If you think ‘they’re too young’ young kids pick up on things. And, even if it isn’t effecting them now, they’re not going to get younger.

It’s obvious that you don’t want to alienate your dad, but, for a while, you may just have to let that happen. He’s not going tp look for help, as long as you provide him with a place to drink, and a soft place to land, after a tirade. You have to think of your kids health. And, your own!
 
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