What to do about smoky grandmother?

[captainrick]

My Mom chain-smoked all her life. After our children were born, she would never smoke when in our house - if she HAD to smoke she would go outside. I never had to suggest this, it was her idea. Unfortunately, many smokers are not as considerate.

 

[Allegra]

She hasn’t tried to smoke in MY home since I was 19. She tried the open window thing, but I told her it was my apartment and she had to smoke outside…and I lived in a highrise.

That was actually the catalyst for one of her attempts at quiting. She’s quit for a long period twice. Once, we even had a party for her after a year of being cigarette free. But she keeps going back to it and at this point, she is literally chain smoking one after another. I’m certain she goes through two packs a day.

My step-father will go outside if I’m there, but i I’m not, andf my mom doesn’t say anything, he won’t. He and my brother usually do try and do it in another room, but they don’t seem to realize that smoke doesn’t stay in the room with them. He is also really addicted. He’s a carpenter and once he lost a good job because he got caught smoking in the restroom twice. He then proceded to come home and accidently lit the basement on fire with his cigarette. Even so, he smokes constantly. He claims that he can’t concentrate without it. He has to smoke when he’s driving, after he eats, when he’s reading, when he’s working, when he’s cleaning, when he’s on the phone, even on the toilet! It’s almost like those OCD people who have to wash their hands every time they touch something blue or something like that.

 

[BellsMom]

He and my brother usually do try and do it in another room, but they don’t seem to realize that smoke doesn’t stay in the room with them…

You sound like a very kind and charitable person Allegra.

Trust me, all three of them KNOW that smokes travels thru the whole house. They just don’t care. Addicts are incredibly selfish people. They lie, manipulate and cheat their way around the rules all they while making the people around them feel like they’re the one’s doing something wrong when they push back against the addict’s behavior.

I would be honest regarding why you don’t want you little one other there but thats because I’d be really angry with her lying to me. If you don’t want to deal with the fallout perhaps avoiding the topic would be best. Only you can say I think…

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I think the bandaid is a good analogy. I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better if I didn’t just let the bandaid get wet and grimey and hope that it falls off on its own, with minimal effort. I kind of suspect that even if my mother did guess the real reason, she wouldn’t bring it up or confront me with it because she doesn’t want to deal with the issue at all. She’d like to go on believing that smoking is just what all the fit, sophisiticated, stylish types do and those who thumb their noses at it are just secretly wishing they could be as cool. I’m thinking of using the excuse, “We have to pay the nanny for the whole week anyway, so we might as well use her,” followed up by, “You’ll be able to have a lot more fun with the older girls without the baby underfoot.”

I see your point, and you may be right. But keep in mind, you may very well have many years of this issue. It is harder to come up with excuses about why an 5yo child can’t be at Grandma’s house alone, than a baby. My experience is that when you give a definitive “NO” people bug you less about it. But when you make up excuses, people tend to argue against your excuses, and often they are able to make a good case against what they think is your reasoning. It can make it hard to stand your ground. This is just food for thought - pray on this dilemma a little, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance both ahead of time, and when you have to deal with the issue.

 

[Xantippe]

I see your point, and you may be right. But keep in mind, you may very well have many years of this issue. It is harder to come up with excuses about why an 5yo child can’t be at Grandma’s house alone, than a baby. My experience is that when you give a definitive “NO” people bug you less about it. But when you make up excuses, people tend to argue against your excuses, and often they are able to make a good case against what they think is your reasoning. It can make it hard to stand your ground. This is just food for thought - pray on this dilemma a little, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance both ahead of time, and when you have to deal with the issue.

Yep.

 

[Allegra]

I want to apologize for my post, I was trying to help and seems I did not and was hurtful which was not my intention at all, kindly forgive me.

I have no doubt that your mother loves your child as best as she can, I did not mean to imply that she would deliberately abuse your daughter or give her “rat poison” just that people with the type of personality that you described her as having sometimes do things their own way in my experience.

You did mention that your mother called you fat, a control freak, said you were a terrible mother and stupid, hung up the phone and talked about you to your relatives about you behind your back. Plus you mention that your mother lies, based on that I made the leap that she may perhaps talk about your daughter to you behind your back as this was my experience with my similar family members but I guess I could be wrong.

Because I thought I had a shared experience in my own life, I was hoping to encourage you and I am sincerely sorry that my words were not more encouraging to you. Please be assured of my prayers for your family and I hope you come to a good resolution for all. God bless you.

No apology needed. I wasn’t offended at all by your post and I appreciate your advice.

 

[Allegra]

I see your point, and you may be right. But keep in mind, you may very well have many years of this issue. It is harder to come up with excuses about why an 5yo child can’t be at Grandma’s house alone, than a baby. My experience is that when you give a definitive “NO” people bug you less about it. But when you make up excuses, people tend to argue against your excuses, and often they are able to make a good case against what they think is your reasoning. It can make it hard to stand your ground. This is just food for thought - pray on this dilemma a little, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance both ahead of time, and when you have to deal with the issue.

It would actually be easier if she was five. My excuse would be “she has to go to school”, and it would actually be true so it would be easy to remember. But your point is taken. Normally, I wouldn’t waste my time with excuses and just say ‘no’, but in this case I’m sorely tempted to avoid listening to the rantings of the “persecuted smoker”. (or at least put it off as long as possible) We are going out of town in a few days, so I have a week to mull it over before I need to say anything.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You mentioned your sisters don’t like them smoking around their kids either. Have you ever discussed this with your sisters? Or would your mom feel like you were ganging up on her?

Honestly, I think if I was in your shoes and I would try and find some other places where the baby can visit with her cousins

Angie

 

[Allegra]

You mentioned your sisters don’t like them smoking around their kids either. Have you ever discussed this with your sisters? Or would your mom feel like you were ganging up on her?

Honestly, I think if I was in your shoes and I would try and find some other places where the baby can visit with her cousins

Angie

I’ve discussed it with my younger sister, who is also a smoker. Her solution is to cut down on the number of times she brings her over to twice a month. She doesn’t like it, but she seems to think that it isn’t a big deal if her daughter gets some smoke once or twice a month and that her spending time with grandma is worth it. Her daughter is nearly four, and always has allergies anyway, so maybe she figures that she’s going to have sniffles either way?

 

[jmcrae]

Don’t feel bad about whatever you have to do to protect your baby.

^^ this.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My mom offered to babysit for my 8-month-old while we went to a show last night. Right now she, my stepfather, and my step-brother all live in the same house and are chain smokers. My mother promises not to smoke when the baby is there, but she’s an addict and in practice she always comes up with some excuse. (I had the fan on. The window was open. I was mostly outside. She was across the room. etc.) When we brought her home, her voice was a little raspy, but by morning she was coughing and her eyes were running with yellow gunk and she was so congested that she didn’t want to drink her bottle.

I know they were all smoking around her and that’s why she’s sick. I get the same symptoms when I’m around smokers too. The problem is, whenever you say anything to my mom about the smoking, her inner twelve year old comes out. If I call her and complain about this, her first response will be to lie and say they weren’t smoking. Then she will say that I don’t know for sure that their smoking is what made her sick, after all she wasn’t wearing any socks and I am a terrible mother. She will then list all the reasonable accommadations she’s made. (the fan, the window, etc) She will point out that smoking doesn’t make her a bad person. She will remind me that being fat like me is just as unhealthy. She will accuse me of faking symptoms of discomfort (and I suppose training my infant to do the same) and being a judgemental control freak. Finally, she will tell me that if I can’t take the smoking then it’s my problem and I’ll just have to get out of her life, and then she will then hang up on me and call everyone she knows to tell them how I am keeping her grand-daughter away form her.

I don’t really need my mother to babysit and the only reason we bring her over there is because she wants to spend time with the baby. She likes me to bring her over once a week when I’m working. I think it’s good for the baby to spend time with her family, but not if they are making her sick.

I am not going to be able to get my mother and step-father to stop smoking around my daughter, unless I am physically there to remove her, so I don’t see how I can let her spend time alone with them. What I’m trying to decide is, whether I should explain this to my mother or not. I don’t really want to be verbally abused, called fat, stupid, and judgemental. I’ve heard this tirade pretty much my whole life. I could just not ask them to babysit anymore and make up some excuse if she wants to watch her when I go back to work. I’m not sure what that excuse could be, but I guess I could think of something. Or I could just tell her the real reason and while it might be satisfying in the moment, I don’t think I’d like the long-term consequences. If it didn’t make her so sick the next day, I might just say, well it’s only once in a while, but I hate to see my baby this uncomfortable. Why don’t people care that they’re maknig other people sick?

It does not matter if they smoke when the baby is there or not. The house is filled with smoke, tar and poisons. Would you let someone watch the baby in a polluted factory of chemicals?

 

[HopenHappiness]

My mother has smoked for over 55 years and she has no intentions in quitting. I was lucky and she never smoked around Son when we visited back home on vacations. So 20 years later we move back, but in the last 10 years, the smoke has really gotten to me because she has changed brands to the cheapest stuff you can get (I call it the ***** off the floor stuff) and I know I have an allergy to it. When I told her that she poo poo me, and said that I was making things up etc.

So the next time I went to the Dr, I got a note from him on his letter head saying I was allergic to smoke and need to keep away from it for health reason. And if anyone had any questions to give him a call.

It worked like a charm, she no longer smokes around me and in fact she is now going outside to smoke. Has made visiting her a much more pleasant experience and I don’t have the burning eyes anymore.

So maybe you can get a note from your pediatrician saying that it is effecting your babies health and can not be around smoke. You can always have your mom come and visit the baby at your house, that way there is no question if she is smoking around the baby or not.

Gave this letter to my mom and she stopped smoking around me

 

[ela2]

I would tell her straight up and take the verbal abuse and leave than let my child suffer like this.