What to do when you and your spouse disagree on child spacing?

[tapiocapudding]

I thought I’d throw out this question as DH and I are having a minor disagreement on this topic. No fighting or arguing or anything. It’s just that my DH thinks we should just stop TTA and whatever happens will happen. I haven’t got my period back yet from breastfeeding so it could be a while… or not.
The thing is I think we have some seriously important reasons to avoid right now. Our first DS is only 7 months old and I want to breastfeed him for a while yet. Our financial situation is precarious at best. I’m going to have to go back to work for about 15 hours a week in May and if I do that I won’t be eligible for more goverment mat pay until May 2010. My DH says we’ll get by somehow but we simply can’t pay the rent and the bills on his income alone. And it’s important to me that I get to stay at home with my newborn for at least 6 months. Also, I’m dead tired with a baby that’s up every 2 hours still. Now just is not the time. But my DH disagrees saying we’d overcome all the obstacles somehow.
My DH is a wonderful supportive husband. He is great with our baby and helps me out at home a ton. I can’t imagine a more caring supportive hubby.
But I don’t want to compromise! I want to wait until DS is 15 months old before we just let things go how they may. I have a feeling I’d cope much better with a 2 year spacing and we’d have more time to work out our finances. DH is probably willing to wait. But he brings it up every so often and I feel kind of guilty. Then again, part of me wonders if he’s just sick of all the abstinence (my mucus has been all over the place lately )

What do you think?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I’d say take things in smaller chunks. At this point in time you’d like to wait until DS is at least 15 months old… and with breastfeeding and sleep deprivation I can see your point of view!!!

So, when you discuss things with hubby, make it a point to agree to revisit the issue before then (every month, in 3 months…whatever works for you both) so that he doesn’t feel like you are refusing to consider his feelings and you get more time to adjust to mommyhood… who knows what could change before your estimated timeline?

But my personal opinion is that the men should defer to the women (unless there is some sort of power struggle/unhealthy thing going on) because she is the one (in most cases) who is doing most of the “work” and going through all of the hormone changes etc from birth and breastfeeding. When she feels ready (within reason) is when it should happen.

If it was strictly up to hubby we’d probably be working on number 3 by now, lol. But I am just not ready for number two yet
**

 

[SMHW]

It sounds like you are just feeling overwhelmed right now.

While I believe in trusting in the Lord to provide, I also think that husbands have a God-given responsibility to at try to provide security. Let me be blunt. I think if a husband says, “God will provide whatever we need,” but he can’t come up with any plan or evidence to show this to his wife, then he is shirking his duties.

(For what it’s worth, I think the same thing is true in reverse. But in general it’s women who crave security )

I think you have a right to demand that your husband come up with a financial plan.

Now none of this means you have a *right *to demand no more children but I do think you have the right to say, “Honey, I’m going to be very worried and stressed until we can come up with a workable budget that shows how we’ll take care of another baby.” Hopefully he cares enough about you (and is tired enough of the abstinence) to actually look closely at your situation.

 

[dakotagirl]

I second that you are “just” feeling overwhelmed right now. Maybe you could breast pump and dear hubby could wake up every two hours. Or maybe one of the “ways” dear hubby is thinking of is to get another job on the side. Who knows? I’m sure he knows what he is talking about.

 

[tapiocapudding]

Aww my DH isn’t being mean about it, really. He definitely respects my desire to wait, even if he does grumble a bit. He’s not Catholic and doesn’t understand the need for all this abstinence. He really is a sweet caring guy who wants the best for our family. I guess he isn’t very worried because we’ve been much poorer in the past and managed to make it through. He is so laid back about things, another reason I adore him. He just loves our little DS so much he can’t wait to have another! And I think he thinks I’m a much better mother than I am LOL
His sister just found out she’s pregnant and she is in a much worse situation than us so I think part of that is influencing his impatience.
I think promising to re-evaluate things every 2 or 3 months is a great suggestion. Who knows, maybe he will land a new job or our DS will start sleeping.

 

[queen_anne78]

I just got my first post partum period a few weeks ago at 20 months. Somewhere around the 6 or 7 month mark we both got baby fever…but I was EXACTLY in your spot. Our parenting choices were such that I felt that a bigger space would be preferable. We agreed that if my period returned sooner rather than later, we would discuss then what we would do, depending on when it was. We were certainly OPEN to whatever might happen in the end, and I know we would have made do, but prudence is a virtue for a reason

I think wanting to nurse for a certain amount of time is legit. Some women can nurse through pregnancy, but some lose their supply. I was very intent on G nursing until AT LEAST a year, longer if possible.

I’d say, if your little guy is still nursing every two hours through the night, AF will probably stay away for awhile, depending on how interested in solids he is. Maybe start charting, in case you ovulate before your first period, and if that happens, you and your DH can “go back to the drawing board.” In the meantime, stay close to God through prayer.

 

[monicatholic]

I’m dead tired with a baby that’s up every 2 hours still.

this alone is worth the wait.

all the other stuff, your good husband could be right. but exhaustion takes time to recover. so… recover.

it might help him to understand that part of a new mom’s ability to easily abstain is her diminished sexual desire, which i believe is a gift from God. it helps with child spacing.

remind him that for you, abstinence equals exhaustion. abstinence equals a tripple dose of mothering hormones.
it’s not a rejection of him.

you may need to find creative ways to show your appreciation and respect for him in other ways.

finally, ask him if he’d be willing to pray with you-- to pray for likemindedness on this. so much unity can happen when a couple prays together for likemindedness about babies. and if he’s not comfortable praying with you, maybe he’d be OK just sitting by while you prayed.

 

[tapiocapudding]

Thanks guys
I’m wondering if what I need maybe is more NFP help. I haven’t taken a class so I’m just doing things by the book. Up until a month ago it wasn’t a problem, I had nothing but basic infertile pattern mucus so we were pretty much good to go whenever. But over the last month I had 2 mucus patches which looked like they were gearing up to be peak type but never did. So he’s not really used to the abstinence (and I never really did have diminished desire )
I definitely will continue to pray and hopefully involve him more in my prayer life. It is wonderful he is supportive of NFP and my faith even if it’s not where he’s at now.
Anyways, it’s 9pm and I’m going to bed! hee hee

 

[Island_Oak]

It sounds like you are just feeling overwhelmed right now.

While I believe in trusting in the Lord to provide, I also think that husbands have a God-given responsibility to at try to provide security. Let me be blunt. I think if a husband says, “God will provide whatever we need,” but he can’t come up with any plan or evidence to show this to his wife, then he is shirking his duties.

(For what it’s worth, I think the same thing is true in reverse. But in general it’s women who crave security )

I think you have a right to demand that your husband come up with a financial plan.

Now none of this means you have a *right *to demand no more children but I do think you have the right to say, “Honey, I’m going to be very worried and stressed until we can come up with a workable budget that shows how we’ll take care of another baby.” Hopefully he cares enough about you (and is tired enough of the abstinence) to actually look closely at your situation.

I think BOTH parents have a responsibility to themselves, to existing children as well as future born children to be prudent and use common sense. Waiting 6 months is nothing in the scheme of things. You will be better rested, have time to figure out finances, and have a baby that is probably sleeping more regularly. Less stress means a healthier baby and mama. You all want that!!

 

[jwatza]

I have a little bit of a different point of view to share. In your 1st post, you mentioned that you didn’t want to compromise–that you wanted to wait till baby was 15 months old. It sounds like hubby is compromising now, so don’t you think that you should at least be willing to compromise in some way? If you are open to life and using NFP, you both as a couple should be having the baby discussion each month. "Do we have serious reason to postpone pregnancy? Only the 2 of you together with God can answer that question, but it should be discussed often, not just when baby is 15 months old and you think you are ready.

By the way, my first 2 are 14 months apart and they have always been great buddies. They are 19 and 18 now. The first year with both of them was very difficult, but looking back–I wouldn’t change it. They kept each other busy playing day after day together for many years.

 

[Blessed_Bride]

If you are open to life and using NFP, you both as a couple should be having the baby discussion each month. "Do we have serious reason to postpone pregnancy? Only the 2 of you together with God can answer that question, but it should be discussed often, not just when baby is 15 months old and you think you are ready.

I agree with this. This is how I was taught NFP too. In almost three years of marriage we have only felt that in one single cycle we had a serious enough reason to postpone pregnancy. The rest we have left up to God’s will and timing.

 

[Salonika]

tapiocapudding:

Also, I’m dead tired with a baby that’s up every 2 hours still.

Agree with monicatholic’s response to this -ie “this alone is worth the wait.”

tapiocapudding:

I think promising to re-evaluate things every 2 or 3 months is a great suggestion.

Think this is a good idea – each month could have the risk of it seeming to be always on the agenda, much longer could seem as sweeping the issue under the carpet.

tapiocapudding:

And I think he thinks I’m a much better mother than I am LOL

Think there’s two interesting phenomena - we can often concentrate on how well others do things and may miss the effort that has gone into the result or we can look at our efforts and miss how well we do things because we know the effort we have to put in to do them this way.
Island Oak:

I think BOTH parents have a responsibility to themselves, to existing children as well as future born children to be prudent and use common sense. Waiting 6 months is nothing in the scheme of things. You will be better rested, have time to figure out finances, and have a baby that is probably sleeping more regularly. Less stress means a healthier baby and mama. You all want that!!

Well put.

 

[Traditional_Ang]

Thanks guys
I’m wondering if what I need maybe is more NFP help. I haven’t taken a class so I’m just doing things by the book. Up until a month ago it wasn’t a problem, I had nothing but basic infertile pattern mucus so we were pretty much good to go whenever. But over the last month I had 2 mucus patches which looked like they were gearing up to be peak type but never did. So he’s not really used to the abstinence (and I never really did have diminished desire )
I definitely will continue to pray and hopefully involve him more in my prayer life. It is wonderful he is supportive of NFP and my faith even if it’s not where he’s at now.
Anyways, it’s 9pm and I’m going to bed! hee hee

Tapioca:

Sorry to revive a Dead (or dying thread), but I really think Dakota Girl had a point. A HUGE reason for your exhaustion is the fact that you aren’t getting a decent night’s sleep! Another reason is that, because your DH doesn’t seem to care about your finances, you’re having to worry about them… This isn’t right, and it sure as heck isn’t fair!

We men are REALLY GOOD at turning over and telling you women, “Could you take care of it?” whenever the baby starts a’cryin’ late at night. Well, you just can’t let the DH get away with that, not if you want to stay healthy, and not if you don’t want to end up resenting the living daylights out of him.

So, get a breast-pump (my mother used one on us), and pump out a supply of Breast milk into formula bottles for DH to use each night (he gets every other turn stating with the FIRST). This means every other time (starting with the first)DH takes care of feeding hungry baby while you sleep. and, Every other time (starting with the second) you feed the hungry one while DH sleeps… That will allow both of you to get a decent night’s sleep so long as you both follow the program.

Also, attend the NFP classes and get Your DH to join you in those classes so he understands the what, when, where and why of NFP as well as you do. You really don’t want to be winging it from a textbook.

Tapioca, 15 months spacing is not necessary to provide 2 years worth of spacing between children. Openness to Life must be just that, Openness to Life, provided YOUR basic physical-health needs are taken care of. Outside of what I dealt with above, you’ve given no indication that your health needs aren’t being taken care of. You’ve said that your husband is a good father and helps during the day, and that he has a job, which means that whether or not you worry about the budget is a test of how much you’re willing to trust God with your finances.

Are you sure it’s fair to your husband, or obedient to God, to insist that your husband wait for 15 months? and, what about the scriptures where St. Paul says that husbands and wives should not deny each other except for short periods of time and that only for prayer?

Your Brother and Servant, Michael

 

[Traditional_Ang]

Brothers and Sisters:

Please note correction (ran out of time for Correction):

“Openness for Life” - The Church allows for other short term considerations as well as health considerations to be considered when deciding whether or not to have periods of abstinence such as those used in Natural Family Planning.

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Cor. 7:1-5 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the Church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the Church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Eph. 5:22-33 ESV

There are more, but these are the main scriptures we all need to look at.

Your Brother in Christ, Michael