What to do?

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Hey everyone,

My name is Rick and I am a Catholic dad. I have been married to a great Catholic woman for 15 years and we have a 9 year son. My wife is a stay at home mom and we also home school. My problem is this: My son has a sweet tooth and he is not allowed to have candy after 7 pm. When I got home from work the other day he said he had something to tell me. He tearfully said that he had stashed some of his Easter candy in his pillowcase and for 2 nights he had eaten candy in bed after we had tucked him in. He did not get caught with the candy, but his conscious got the better of him and he told my wife about that morning and she told him that he would have to tell me about it when I got home. I was very conflicted emotionally. On one hand I was very disappointed in his behaviour but also thankful that he was compelled to tell us about it. My wife is very upset and is concerned about his general character. She feels that all of the sacrifices she has made for him are for nothing and that we may as well put him in school and she can go back to work. I don’t think she really feels this way, but that was her initial reaction. I talked with my son and expressed are concerns that he is only nine years old and is trying to sneak things past us. I told him that I was glad he told us, but if he ever gets to a point when he can over ride his guilt it could lead to a lot of trouble in his life. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation, both with my son and my wife. I do not know how to punish him and make it effective or on how to console my wife. She is an excellent person and does all she can to take care of both of us physicallly, spirituallly, and emotionally. If anyone has any advice, I would be very grateful. I have never posted anything before, but decided I needed to reach out to a Catholic community for help. Thank you for your time.

Rick
 
Hello, welcome to the forums.

It is hard to say what to do, especially since I don’t know his general disposition. Such as, is he normally sneaky about things, does he continually lie, very obnoxious, etc. But from what I read, it seems as if he is normally a good boy. If this is the case, maybe you should do something simple like list all the Commandments that you broke when you did this and why it is related. You can turn it into a learning experience and help him for his next and future Confessions.
 
Thanks for your response. He is a good boy. He has not done anything like this before. He is very smart and very helpful to both of us. He is involved in Cub Scouts, karate, and is active in our church (CCD, alter boy, etc) He also told us he would like to go to Confession as soon as possible. I believe that he is not going to do anything like this again, but my wife is not taking it very well at all. Thanks again for your advice and I look forward to hearing from more people.

Rick
 
IMHO, I think your wife is being too hard on herself. Kids his age are going to break rules and misbehave. That he got away with it and turned himself in speaks to his character. Use that as a building block for thinking ahead the next time he is tempted, how he will feel afterwards, would he do this if Mom or Dad were around, would he be proud of how he behaved, etc. Perhaps give him a chance to develop an appropriate punishment with you. And let him know you’re glad he came to you and that he always can, no matter what.
 
I think you are very lucky indeed to have such a wonderful son. He sounds like he will grow up to be a wonderful adult. Do not expect him to be infallible, none of us are, but it sounds like he is trying to be. Be glad for it and don’t despair. wait for his teenage years for that. lol Tell your wife to keep doing what she is doing, because she is doing a great great job!
 
Personally, if it were my place to judge I would find 10 x 10 x more fault with your wife’s behavior than with your son’s. He’s NINE! He had the conscience and strength to tell you both about this; your wife’s reaction and your sharing this with the world….

How terribly sad…

I feel so sad for your son.

If this is the biggest problem in your life…in your wife’s life…she needs some serious help from licensed professionals!

Your son will be in my prayers, for a long long time. I hope he learns enough about the Lord to know that he will never quit him as his mother after such a ridiculous transgression wanted to do and even caused his father conflict enough to write this post.

Just…wow…I am soooooo glad I had loving merciful Catholic parents! Thank you so much for that Lord!!!

Well it looks like I did give a judgmental opinion, I considered not posting, but think you really need this. Shame on you both.

As an aside…this seems like the type of over-reactive-total-control type parenting that drive their children to distraction (not the other way around). I just pray the distraction your son finds is healthy and helpful to him…despite the two of you.
 
I find your wife’s expectations of a nine year old unrealistic and her reaction to this just plain strange.

Separating the two things here:

Your son, tempted by candy he knows he shouldn’t have took some an hid it so he could snack on it at night. Was it wrong? Yes. Was it the end of the world? No. He told you, and now you have the opportunity to discuss conscience, thinking before acting, and resisting temptation. He should confess disobeying his parents, but that’s about it.

Your wife, on encountering something so minor has a melt down, says she’s “failed” as a parent, and should just pack the kid off to public school and wash her hands of it. She’s concerned about his character? Like this makes him a serial killer in he making? He’s a nine year old boy. This is normal behavior. Did she expect her child would be perfect?

I agree with PP, this is craziness on her part! Maybe Mom needs to go to confession for irrational expectations of a nine year old to be perfect all the time.
 
coe67 said:
Hey everyone,

My name is Rick and I am a Catholic dad. I have been married to a great Catholic woman for 15 years and we have a 9 year son. My wife is a stay at home mom and we also home school. My problem is this: My son has a sweet tooth and he is not allowed to have candy after 7 pm. When I got home from work the other day he said he had something to tell me. He tearfully said that he had stashed some of his Easter candy in his pillowcase and for 2 nights he had eaten candy in bed after we had tucked him in. He did not get caught with the candy, but his conscious got the better of him and he told my wife about that morning and she told him that he would have to tell me about it when I got home. I was very conflicted emotionally. On one hand I was very disappointed in his behaviour but also thankful that he was compelled to tell us about it. My wife is very upset and is concerned about his general character. She feels that all of the sacrifices she has made for him are for nothing and that we may as well put him in school and she can go back to work. I don’t think she really feels this way, but that was her initial reaction. I talked with my son and expressed are concerns that he is only nine years old and is trying to sneak things past us. I told him that I was glad he told us, but if he ever gets to a point when he can over ride his guilt it could lead to a lot of trouble in his life. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation, both with my son and my wife. I do not know how to punish him and make it effective or on how to console my wife. She is an excellent person and does all she can to take care of both of us physicallly, spirituallly, and emotionally. If anyone has any advice, I would be very grateful. I have never posted anything before, but decided I needed to reach out to a Catholic community for help. Thank you for your time.

Rick
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He’s nine, so it sounds to me like a trip to the confessional is in order. Make sure you go yourself as well, just so he knows it’s reconciliation primarily, and not only punishment. Make sure he understands he was disobedient to God, not only to you, ask him to tell you what the fourth commandment is. If he can tell you what the fourth commandment is, then address the issue of mortal sin, make sure he understands it’s a greater offense to God when we know what He’s asked of us, and deliberately do what ever it is that we want to do instead of what God asks us to do. Make sure he understands how much you love him, and that the rules and discipline are only there to help him grow into a strong man. If you didn’t love him you wouldn’t have any rules.

Your wife is probably just frustrated and was venting. Maybe the whole family could go to reconciliation together.

I must tell you, I wish these were my only problems! God bless you and your family!
ForMary said:
Shame on you both.
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Your very uncharitable post was nothing more than judgment and boasting. The only help I can imagine you thought you were giving in your post is admonishment, which is exactly what you’re troubled over in the OP. Our Lady would never speak to anyone the way you just did. Be more kind in the future. The measure of judgment you hand out to others will be measured against you in the final days.
 
I have to slightly agree with ForMary…

Your wife is concerned about his CHARACTER? Because he broke a rule (sinned) and then confessed to you?

I’m sorry, that’s not a character flaw.

In some ways it sounds as if your wife is using your son to “prove” her holiness… if the child’s good, it HAS to be due to his GOOD PARENTING, right? :rolleyes:

The fact that he sinned makes him human.
The fact that he confessed and feels sorry for his actions makes him a GOOD PERSON.

Please ENCOURAGE this behavior and don’t make a confession something to FEAR!

Go read the parable of the prodigal son… 👍
 
BeeSweet said:
Your wife is probably just frustrated and was venting. Maybe the whole family could go to reconciliation together.
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My only concern if she was just venting is whether she said this in a time/place that DS could hear it. I think it would hurt the child greatly to hear his mother say such awful things. Kids remember things like this long after parents have moved on.
 
Honestly? Your wife is overreacting. This isn’t about his general character; if he were truly sneaky and dishonest, he wouldn’t have confessed about hiding the candy in the first place! Also this is probably a bit of a red flag about an issue with food. Children have been known to hoard food or treats, especially if they feel their access to them is being controlled. I knew a young boy once, probably five years old, who if he got any candy, would bolt it all down very quickly because he knew his mother would take it away and portion it out, piece by piece. He was trying to take back control.

My oldest also has a sweet tooth–but we have never had a problem with him hoarding sweets. Right now he has his Easter candy in his room, but he knows it’s for desserts and will ask how many pieces he may have after dinner. I’ve periodically checked and he still has quite a good amount left, including half a chocolate bunny.

What we have done is taught him that no food is “bad”, but that certain foods, if eaten to excess, will make one sick, or malnourished. If one eats too much chocolate, without eating healthy foods, one will feel sick. If one eats just sweet foods all day, one will miss out on the vitamins and nutrients that will help one grow and be healthy.

To that end, we just have one rule: sweets are okay to have after some healthy food, or if you’ve had a good dinner. Usually after dinner, our son will opt to wait another hour or two to have his dessert. He never wants to dive right into his dessert, which I find admirable. He’d like to savor it when he’s not full. 😉 I think we’ve struck a good balance; we have treats and sweet stuff in the house, but I have yet to find our kids scarfing them down or hiding them.

I remember one time, our son was fixated on marshmallows. He had refused to eat dinner, being so excited about having a fire in our fireplace and roasting marshmallows. He was a bit obsessed with eating the “entire bag”. As an object lesson, my husband told him he could eat all the marshmallows his tummy wanted. He proceeded to eat, i think, about 8 or 9 large marshmallows, and then stopped, looking a bit queasy. 😛

Later he said, “I’m never doing that unless I have some healthy food first,” and, “That was way too many marshmallows for my tummy.”

Long story short: If my son had done what yours did, I would first of all had THANKED him and commended him for confessing what he did. That shows a mature conscience. And I would have asked him why he hid the candy, and talked about why we have the rules regarding candy. And yes, I would have taken him to confession.

I am a stay at home mom and we homeschool, and I can understand your wife’s embarassment and frustration, however, in the grand scheme of things, this is a good teaching moment. Of course her initial reaction would be strong, especially if your son is a good kid and this is something he’s never done before! But try to see the advantage here. 🙂
 
This is normal behavior for a 9 year old boy. Sneaking sweets will not make him the next Ted Bundy.

If he starts spending too much time alone and torturing small animals, then you have an issue.
 
Thank you all for your support and advice. I appreciate everyone taking the time to do so. I am sure this is only a small bump on the road of life and I can look forward to many more to come. This was just a new situation for me and I was floundering a little. Thanks for the life jackets.

Rick
 
I’ve always told my kids (my son, as well as my niece and nephews that I help care for) that if they do something wrong, like deliberately break a rule or disobey, then yes, I AM going to get angry and feel disappointed, but I would be even MORE angry and disappointed if they tried to cover up or lie about their transgressions.

And yes, I do believe some form of “punishment” (that’s kind of a harsh sounding word, but it’s all I have right now) is in order. Confession is NOT a punishment! I always emphasize that. I tell the kids, well, we have to make sure you get to confession so you can start healing your soul. Then we talk about WHY they did what they did and what they think can help “undo” it. For instance, if they used someone else’s things without asking (or after being told not to), even if they didn’t damage or break it, then they must come up with something to “even” it out–either do something nice for the person who’s stuff they took (like help clean their room or do other chores) or not use one of their own favorite possessions for a day or week or so. We did this with my nephew who borrowed one of my son’s DVDs without asking while we were out of town for the weekend. He got caught because he returned the case minus the DVD (he was nine at the time). My son was upset because he had bought the DVD with his own money and my son is very careful of his possessions. My nephew had to apologize to my son, promise he would never take anything without asking, and then inform him that he would be giving up his “movie time” with the family for a week (he had to play in his room during “movie time”–with the door shut–or else go to his grandmother’s house with a book to read… pretty tough for this child who was a movie hound!) And if that sounds a little harsh, just remember that he also had to confess to his dad that he lied about my son saying he could borrow the DVD as well!

This is the age when children’s consciences are really beginning to develop, when they actually KNOW right from wrong, and do things with deliberate intent. Perhaps that’s why the OP’s wife is being hard on herself. Perhaps she feels she’s failed to form her son’s conscience properly. I think she is overreacting, because her son DID acknowlege his sin and DID confess to it. His conscience, IMO, is very well-formed. She could have found out by finding the candy herself and then having to confront her son (who could have tried to lie), but he went about it the right way. So maybe his punishment could be his putting an amount of money (his own, earning it with extra chores) equivalent to the candy he ate in the Sunday collection. Or choosing to forego candy for a time period. But the main thing is for him to know that while what he did was wrong, being penitent, confessing and trying to do better is what’s most important. And that his parents (and God) still love him.
 
ForMary said:
Personally, if it were my place to judge I would find 10 x 10 x more fault with your wife’s behavior than with your son’s. He’s NINE! He had the conscience and strength to tell you both about this; your wife’s reaction and your sharing this with the world….

How terribly sad…

I feel so sad for your son.
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I think this is the wrong kind of response.

This man and his wife may well have raised a child bathed in honesty and integrity. To you or I, it may not seem much, but for a child that doesn’t go to school to be influenced by the secular world, it is representative of a fundamental change of attitude.
If this is the biggest problem in your life…in your wife’s life…she needs some serious help from licensed professionals!
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🤷
Your son will be in my prayers, for a long long time. I hope he learns enough about the Lord to know that he will never quit him as his mother after such a ridiculous transgression wanted to do and even caused his father conflict enough to write this post.
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He has two wonderful Catholic parents who are concerned about their child’s dishonesty. In this day and age, men have forgotten about the ‘age of reason’, when traditionally it was viewed at being 7 years of age. It would seem to me that this child is one who, through home schooling, has developed his reason and intellect in a way that most children of today’s secular society have not. As such, his actions gave his parents cause for concern.
Just…wow…I am soooooo glad I had loving merciful Catholic parents! Thank you so much for that Lord!!!
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Well it looks like I did give a judgmental opinion, I considered not posting, but think you really need this. Shame on you both.
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After reading the opening post, I would never have believed a fellow Christian could judge shame onto the OP’s actions. Can’t you see he is seeking God’s will?

In Jesus Christ,
 
coe67 said:
Hey everyone,

My name is Rick and I am a Catholic dad. I have been married to a great Catholic woman for 15 years and we have a 9 year son. My wife is a stay at home mom and we also home school. My problem is this: My son has a sweet tooth and he is not allowed to have candy after 7 pm. When I got home from work the other day he said he had something to tell me. He tearfully said that he had stashed some of his Easter candy in his pillowcase and for 2 nights he had eaten candy in bed after we had tucked him in. He did not get caught with the candy, but his conscious got the better of him and he told my wife about that morning and she told him that he would have to tell me about it when I got home. I was very conflicted emotionally. On one hand I was very disappointed in his behaviour but also thankful that he was compelled to tell us about it. My wife is very upset and is concerned about his general character. She feels that all of the sacrifices she has made for him are for nothing and that we may as well put him in school and she can go back to work. I don’t think she really feels this way, but that was her initial reaction. I talked with my son and expressed are concerns that he is only nine years old and is trying to sneak things past us. I told him that I was glad he told us, but if he ever gets to a point when he can over ride his guilt it could lead to a lot of trouble in his life. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation, both with my son and my wife. I do not know how to punish him and make it effective or on how to console my wife. She is an excellent person and does all she can to take care of both of us physicallly, spirituallly, and emotionally. If anyone has any advice, I would be very grateful. I have never posted anything before, but decided I needed to reach out to a Catholic community for help. Thank you for your time.

Rick
Click to expand...
Well Rick,we have no cortrol over a person place or thing we just have control over our reactions to it .hes just a boy.It just candy.It seems to me he already knows he did the bad thing and you need him to make amends for his actions.Cleaning his room would be a nice way.you have to remember no one perpect.if you keep haveing high expectations,for him you will always be disapointed.Praying together is nice also
 
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