What to do?

[3GirlsRUs]

I would like some suggestions on how to be a better sister. All of my siblings and I practice NFP in our marriages. This is a wonderful thing and we are all thankful to have it in our marriages. Some more than others, though, I think.

I have a sister who is suspecting she is pregnant again. This sister of mine has yet to go a year in her marriage without becoming pregnant. She has a 4.5 yo, a 2 yo, an 11-month-old. She had a miscarriage with the baby between the 4.5 yo and the 2 yo at about 16 weeks. The 2 yo and the 11-mo old are 17 months apart. if she is pregnant again, she will have children who are 20 months apart.

Anyway, I was talking with her yesterday and I really just had no clue what to say. The one time I attempted anything, she jumped all over me with, “Well, that’s easy for YOU to say when YOU and your husband both work and YOU have at least 2 years between all of your children…” I could tell she was crying.

I think what I’d said was something to the effect of, “Well, thank goodness the baby won’t arrive for 9 months” and that was in response to her saying, “I am just not ready for this right now…”

So, now she and I haven’t talked since then. I want to be there for her, but I can tell she doesn’t want to talk with me (we have texted a couple of times). She lives on the east coast and I am in the Midwest.

I just don’t know what to do. Maybe nothing is all I can do. Of course, she doesn’t know for certain that she IS pregnant as she hasn’t hit the 21 days of elevated temps and hasn’t taken a pregnancy test. But she’s been waiting for her temp to drop for her period to start and she was on day 15 of elevated temps when she started suspecting. Then she told my other sister that she and her husband had been intimate on day 12 of her cycle and wondered if they had “taken a chance”. And my sister, just honestly said, probalby if you have normal cycles.

I say all of this from my perspective of my husband and I both having learned our NFP method together, both of us being on the same page regarding praying and discernment about our family and when it is time to be more open than usual, etc. And, while I do not consider myself to have struggled with infertility by any means, I do have PCOS which had effects that delayed our being able to conceive this latest blessing totally on “our” timetable…so I just don’t have any issues with NFP, if that makes sense. My DH and I just have always understood the rules, prayed through the adversity dealt through my fertility (PCOS) and worked through things. So, I don’t truly understand (basically can’t credibly empathize) with my sister’s plight of bam-bam-bam pregnancies.

Ugh, I am rambling. I want to be happy for my sister, but I also don’t want to be out of line. I guess I just want to be THERE for her, but don’t really know how.

I just know that when the call comes from her…and should she say it’s official that she’s pregnant…I will seriously not know how to react. if I say “Congratulations!” will she hang up on me and be ticked off? If I am reserved in my reaction…will she be upset and hurt that I am not excited for her?

Any advice?

PS: my sister’s DH travels for his job and can be gone for up to 7 days at a time. I don’t think the two of them are always on the same page NFP-wise…meant to include that. Plus, it ends up being mostly on my sister regarding the care of the children since he is gone so much…so from her perspective, I don’t think another child always impacts him the way it does her…but this is just my speculation.

 

[jrabs]

Why not just be an open ear for her if she calls and need to vent?

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Why not just be an open ear for her if she calls and need to vent?

I am ready to do that. But I’m afraid that the next time she calls me will be with the news about preggo or not. If not, then I also want to be appropriate in my response, but I’m guessing by her disposition yesterday, she is expecting to find out she is pregnant.

I’m just in the waiting game right now, as is she.

I would be more than willing to just listen, but I don’t want any silence on my end to be hurtful on her end…(i.e., she says, “Well, I’m pregnant.” and then met with the wrong reaction from me…) I am VERY VERY worried about giving the wrong reaction because I wasn’t real happy with the way people met the news of my 4th child…and I don’t want to be someone doing that unintentionally.

As a side note, now I am starting to understand the plight of family members on this side of the coin and I hope in the future, should we have any more children, to remember that people might really just not know how to react to news of another baby…

 

[kage_ar]

When she calls with the news, I’d answer “honey, I love you and I am praying for you”.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

When she calls with the news, I’d answer “honey, I love you and I am praying for you”.

I guess that’s the best thing I could do.

I just wish she’d talk to me, but I suppose she will when she’s ready. I can’t imagine what she’s going through and I know that in the end, should she be pregnant that she will be happy with the new addition to her family.

 

[Ruthie]

If it’s possible for you, why not offer to come and help with the kids for the first couple of weeks?

Ruthie, the proud new great-aunt

 

[3GirlsRUs]

If it’s possible for you, why not offer to come and help with the kids for the first couple of weeks?

Ruthie, the proud new great-aunt

I only wish sometehing like that WERE possible. Alas, I work full-time and will have just gotten off my own maternity leave early next year.

My other sister and I were trying to figure out how we could help the most. But we both have kids in school and stuff like that…so traveling that way isn’t something either of us can do at that point.

We’ll just be praying for her. Of course, havne’t heard if anything is official yet, so just waiting to find out…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**If I were in your situation, i would send her an email (as opposed to phoning her so that she can have time to digest your words without having to respond or cut you off etc) expressing the sentiments you have expressed here.

You love her.

You are upset that you didn’t support her in the way she needed.

You want to be there for her.

You want her to be able to talk to you and vent.

Etc…

Then she’ll know your true feelings before she makes that call…**

 

[kage_ar]

Stop at the store and pick up some greeting cards (harkon back to yesteryear when people actually mailed things ). Get a silly one that will make her laugh, get a loving “to my sister” card that will make her smile.

Have a mass said for her, send her the mass card.

A couple of unexpected things in the mailbox says a bunch.

 

[Island_Oak]

If I were in your situation, i would send her an email (as opposed to phoning her so that she can have time to digest your words without having to respond or cut you off etc) expressing the sentiments you have expressed here.

You love her.

You are upset that you didn’t support her in the way she needed.

You want to be there for her.

You want her to be able to talk to you and vent.

Etc…

Then she’ll know your true feelings before she makes that call…

I, unfortunately, never had a sister, but if I did have one–or a friend–who was wise & kind enough to send me this message, it would melt any misplaced anger and leave me feeling grateful to have her.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Malia, I liked your idea so I just did that. That way, at least she will know where I’m coming from.

Actually, her first thought will probably be something like, “Ah, my pregnant sister and her out-of-whack hormones/emotions…”

But I think overall, she’ll probably understand and appreciate it.

 

[Belle10]

**If I were in your situation, i would send her an email (as opposed to phoning her so that she can have time to digest your words without having to respond or cut you off etc) expressing the sentiments you have expressed here.

You love her.

You are upset that you didn’t support her in the way she needed.

You want to be there for her.

You want her to be able to talk to you and vent.

Etc…

Then she’ll know your true feelings before she makes that call…**

Stop at the store and pick up some greeting cards (harkon back to yesteryear when people actually mailed things ). Get a silly one that will make her laugh, get a loving “to my sister” card that will make her smile.

Have a mass said for her, send her the mass card.

A couple of unexpected things in the mailbox says a bunch.

I like both these ideas.

Praying for your sister and you 3Girls!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I think Malia gave great advice. If she calls and says she’s pregnant, just say “I’m sure you will find so much love from this baby. They are always a gift from God.”

It sounds like her problem really isn’t the babies. Sounds like it’s her marriage, which may be less than what you and your other sister have.

She’s pulling the heavy load and the responsibility. That has a way of dulling your enthusiasm for anything in life. Her husband sounds less than helpful and supportive.

Sounds like they’re not following the rules very closely, which will result in closely spaced babies.

It might not be all her doing.

Just let her know you are there for her.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Malia, I liked your idea so I just did that. That way, at least she will know where I’m coming from.

Actually, her first thought will probably be something like, “Ah, my pregnant sister and her out-of-whack hormones/emotions…”

But I think overall, she’ll probably understand and appreciate it.

**
Let us know how she responds (if you want to). I also like the card/mail idea but would choose the quickness of email in this situation. But sending a card TOO might also be nice.

Oh, and later on in your sisterly conversations, you might want to share things that aren’t so easy for you. She may be under the delusion that you are happy all of the time and never scared or worried. It’s sometimes easier for those around us if they know we are vulnerable too.
**

 

[Em_in_FL]

Be SYMPATHETIC… she needs to hear that you understand and acknowledge her struggles and fears… TOTALLY without judgment.

Something like… “Hey sweetheart… I’m so sorry if you’re not ready for this. I totally understand how overwhelmed you are, and I know my life doesn’t compare to your stress (we just have *different *lives). But just know that I AM here for you and I love you SO MUCH. I’m really praying for you. If you are pregnant, I just pray that God helps lead you to an easier life. You ARE overwhelmed… and you need an easier life.”

Sympathy.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I think Malia gave great advice. If she calls and says she’s pregnant, just say “I’m sure you will find so much love from this baby. They are always a gift from God.”

I would imagine I will find some way of saying something like this. And my sister believes that with all of her heart, just like me.

It sounds like her problem really isn’t the babies. Sounds like it’s her marriage, which may be less than what you and your other sister have.

Well, her DH is a great guy, just gone a lot because he is a pilot and the sole provider for their family. So to get paid he has to fly. so he does and he does a WONDERFUL job of providing.

She’s pulling the heavy load and the responsibility. That has a way of dulling your enthusiasm for anything in life. Her husband sounds less than helpful and supportive.

this is true. She is raising the kids, so to speak. But she is just playing that role in her marriage that she must for it all to work. The kids have bonded with their dad very much so, but the bulk of the discipline and molding of the children to this point has fallen on her shoulders. I don’t think it’s because her DH shirks his responsibility…he just has to be gone for his job so much…

Sounds like they’re not following the rules very closely, which will result in closely spaced babies.

Well, because of schedules, they never took a class. Everything my sister knows about NFP has been learned from me and my sister over the phone or whenever we do visit and going over charts. The poor thing even said the other day, “It’s very clear that I have no idea what I’m doing…” I gave them the home study course from CCL a few years back and I know she read through parts of the book. But I don’t know that she and her husband have ever had any major discussions on these sorts of things and they are both fairly young, as well (my sister just turned 30 in July).

**
Let us know how she responds (if you want to).

Oh, and later on in your sisterly conversations, you might want to share things that aren’t so easy for you. She may be under the delusion that you are happy all of the time and never scared or worried. It’s sometimes easier for those around us if they know we are vulnerable too.
**

She sent me a very nice e-mail this morning basically saying that the reason we haven’t spoken is that she really is just not ready. Not ready to face the pregnancy (she’s working through her feelings on that), not ready to hear congratulations, not ready to make this that real yet. Her DH wasn’t ready for her reaction either, she said, and he has been very careful with her the last couple of days. She has made an appointment with her priest just to have someone to talk to. She said that when she is ready to talk, she will call. And she says taht the congratulatory response and us looking forward to another niece or nephew is completely the correct response and she knows she can count on her siblings to give her that. She mentioned she won’t be telling ANYONE for quite awhile (other than my other sister and me) and then she told me she needs some of her clothes back (I currently have her entire stash of pregnancy clothes as we all rotate them…)

So all in all, I think she’s fine. She’s just working through an unexpected pregnancy. This is something I have never had to do, and I think she realizes that without having been in that position, it is a bit more difficult for me to know how to support her.

Be SYMPATHETIC… she needs to hear that you understand and acknowledge her struggles and fears… TOTALLY without judgment.

Something like… “Hey sweetheart… I’m so sorry if you’re not ready for this. I totally understand how overwhelmed you are, and I know my life doesn’t compare to your stress (we just have *different *lives). But just know that I AM here for you and I love you SO MUCH. I’m really praying for you. If you are pregnant, I just pray that God helps lead you to an easier life. You ARE overwhelmed… and you need an easier life.”

Sympathy.

I agree. I think what I’ve done went over ok. I feel better after reading her e-mail back to me. And this truly has given me a perspective on Blessings from God that I haven’t ever experienced before.

Thanks all.