What to look for in a wife?

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kev7

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Does the catholic church have any documents or teachings on what qualities make a good wife?

I know that she should be a good catholic and I’ve read the bible as well. I’m old fashioned and I like women who are the same. My problem is that most women that I know don’t want to be the “helper”. My gut instincts tell me that I need to be a provider and I need a woman who will admire me for it. This unfortunately isn’t the way most modern women are.

Regardless, I’m having a very difficult time finding a good woman. I’m starting to think that American culture has corrupted them all -even the catholic ones. Perhaps I should look in other counties for a good woman. oh well.

The best I can do without any guidence on this is to base what I’m looking for on who I am and what I need. I am catholic so that is the most important.
 
Kevin-

It seems the problem you’re having is that you are not modern enough for this world…

I say congratulations!! Although I’m sure you’re not feeling that way right now.

You don’t need to look anywhere else but what’s in your heart. You have a heart of Gold. God will send someone to you if you’re meant to be married. Anyone who lives his life the way you have described will be rewarded in some way. It’s just the waiting that’s hard…

I’ll pray for you.
 
I think you know what you’re looking for, but haven’t found her yet. Don’t be discouraged.

There is a good thread about Catholic dating sites. If that’s something you’re comfortable with, perhaps give it a try.

She’s out there, Kev! Don’t settle for anything less than perfect for you.
 
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kev7:
Regardless, I’m having a very difficult time finding a good woman. I’m starting to think that American culture has corrupted them all -even the catholic ones. Perhaps I should look in other counties for a good woman. oh well.

The best I can do without any guidence on this is to base what I’m looking for on who I am and what I need. I am catholic so that is the most important.
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Kev, hang in there and maybe tap places like daily mass and the more orthodox Catholic church functions.

While not abundant, there are a few of us younger, “old fashioned” women around. Pray to St Joseph and St Raphael for help in leading you to where you need to be.

Trust that Jesus knows your needs and will lead you there if it is His will. But remember that the waiting has to be on God’s timeframe and not yours.
 
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kev7:
My gut instincts tell me that I need to be a provider and I need a woman who will admire me for it. This unfortunately isn’t the way most modern women are.

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for a description of a good wife start with Proverbs 31 ff
however I would point out the marriage is not for the purpose of filling one’s needs, marriage is for the purpose of mutually answering the call to holiness. If a single person is going to base their search for a mate on finding someone to fulfill their perceived needs, they are in a fruitless and meaningless search.
 
Kevin, some Catholic Churches have singles clubs. Have you inquired at you Parish office? That’s a good place to start if your Parish is fortunate enough to have one. I don’t know how old you are, I am going to assume that you are a young person and also suggest joining a Youth Group, maybe you’ll meet a faithful Catholic young woman there. Don’t be discouraged. I feel that there is someone for everyone and you’ll meet her when you least expect it. God Bless You.🙂
I just noticed that there is a singles thread here in Family Life. Maybe there are some good suggestions over there, why don’t you check it out?
 
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kev7:
Does the catholic church have any documents or teachings on what qualities make a good wife?

I know that she should be a good catholic and I’ve read the bible as well. I’m old fashioned and I like women who are the same. My problem is that most women that I know don’t want to be the “helper”. My gut instincts tell me that I need to be a provider and I need a woman who will admire me for it. This unfortunately isn’t the way most modern women are.

Regardless, I’m having a very difficult time finding a good woman. I’m starting to think that American culture has corrupted them all -even the catholic ones. Perhaps I should look in other counties for a good woman. oh well.

The best I can do without any guidence on this is to base what I’m looking for on who I am and what I need. I am catholic so that is the most important.
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My latino friends tell me that latin women are much more traditional in this way, compared to American women.

It’s going to be hard to find an American woman that wants to be thought of as your “helper”, as you say. Women in this country (most civilized countries) tend to think of themselves as equal to men… Do you disagree with that?

Pete
 
kev7, I didn’t find this out until after I had already met and married my truly wonderful husband through a Catholic dating site, but this information may be helpful to you. There are many Theology of the Body study groups across the country. They are usually populated by young adult singles who are still discerning and looking for God’s will in their lives. Typically, they are very faithful to the teachings of the Church, and seeking to live the Faith more fully, as well as seeking other faithful Catholics for friendship, and, when appropriate, dating.

When we attended the meetings as a married couple, I felt rather out of place because we were the ONLY married couple present. In fact, there was one other couple that was just in the early stages of dating, but I still felt very out of place!

I have a brother and a sister both getting into the stage of looking for a faithful Catholic spouse, as well as looking for further formation in the Faith, learning what the Church teaches about adult life, Matrimony, and Catholic living in general. I am recommending this route for them also, but it might be a little bit harder for them to find a local study group in their rural area.

I will pray for you. I hope this helps!
 
Yes, the woman is described in scripture as “a helper”. But note, that is the same word that is used more often to describe God: “God is my help.” It is in this way that the woman is a helper to her husband, not simply one who can do little supporting things while her husband carries on the bulk of the labor of life (not just employment).

It is this sort of woman that you want to find: one who can be to you a helper after the manner of God, for together, you are to be dedicated and devoted to helping each other and any children you may have fall more deeply in love with Jesus and reach heaven.
 
sounds to me like your question is not “what” makes a good wife - you already have an idea of what qualities you are looking for but rather "where "can you meet a good woman who is wife material ?

Now thats the tough part… everyone who is “looking” is asking the same question :confused: - thats why there are so many dating web sites… maybe the answer is to simply be faithful to the Lord, as He already knows your desires… and when you do meet someone…don’t expect them to be perfect…because they won’t be… You just have to be out there and involved in community…you’ll meet them.
 
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puzzleannie:
for a description of a good wife start with Proverbs 31 ff
however I would point out the marriage is not for the purpose of filling one’s needs, marriage is for the purpose of mutually answering the call to holiness. If a single person is going to base their search for a mate on finding someone to fulfill their perceived needs, they are in a fruitless and meaningless search.
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Amen!
 
Pete2, what you said about latino women brought a smile to my face. I am a white american woman and my husband is Guatemalan. One thing he loves about me is the way I appreciate everything he does and how comfortable we are in our respective marriage roles. But that is an attitude that many modern american women seem determined to avoid.

But there is an opposite and equally icky extreme. DH and many other guys I met in Guatemala felt that many women of their country were in general -too- concerned about the man providing for them (these particular women want their physical needs taken care of by a man so they evaluate prospective husbands on the basis of income and little else). My husband takes great pride in being the provider but wants to feel appreciated for the qualities of his heart, mind, and soul, too.

(as for me, I met many wonderful people of both sexes in Guatemala and am not so inclined to stereotype)

Kev7, in answer to your original question, I know the Church says to pray!

My own advice is pay close attention to how the New Testament and the Church says men should treat their wives. In order for a woman to feel comfortable being the “helper” as you put it, she needs to know how prized and precious she is in your eyes. Pete2 makes a reference to women not being equal to men. That kind of statement is open to misunderstanding and would make most women balk. It is true than men and women are different, but every human soul is precious to God–not of greater or lesser value because of his or her sex! Christ made his sacrifice for all of us, and husbands are called to treat their wives as Christ treats His Church.

The tender way in which my husband treats me encourages me to embrace my role as his wife and I am very happy. But if he were to treat me as inferior or without respect, I would feel taken advantage of–and I would be! It seems like many Christian men have a difficult time finding the balance between being both the “head” and the “servant” of the family. I’ve seen a lot of marriages fail because the man enjoys his role as the boss but does not fulfill his other role.

It will be very difficult at times to make your traditional understanding of the sacrament of marriage known without being misunderstood, but hang in there!

It can be a long and difficult journey for a Catholic woman to take in this day and age, to get past what society tells her and come to understand how the teachings of the Church preserve her dignity and do not take it away. Keep trying to meet new Catholic women and keep an eye out for the ones you already know-- people do mature and change!
 
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tossolul:
Kevin-

It seems the problem you’re having is that you are not modern enough for this world…

I say congratulations!! Although I’m sure you’re not feeling that way right now.

You don’t need to look anywhere else but what’s in your heart. You have a heart of Gold. God will send someone to you if you’re meant to be married. Anyone who lives his life the way you have described will be rewarded in some way. It’s just the waiting that’s hard…

I’ll pray for you.
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thanks. You always have something nice to say 🙂
 
In addition to the great advice you’ve gotten so far, here’s a short list from a married man (borrowed from wnd.com) on things to look for before you tie the knot *(side note to the ladies: it may seem like a critique of women, and it in many was is. However, this is only because it is a man asking. I’m all for women having similar critiques of potential future husbands. Marriage, for both involved, as well as children to come, is an enormous decision). *
  1. Is she a woman who genuinely shares your faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or woman who does not share your faith.
  2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman (or anyone, for that matter) who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. Some people always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves. If she’s constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don’t even continue to date her, or soon enough you’ll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her blame.
  3. Are you comfortable with her? There is more to marriage than physical intimacy, passion, attraction and fun. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
  4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
  5. Is she a drama queen? Self-centered drama queens (or kings) may be fun to watch … from a distance. Keep your distance.
  6. Do your friends and family think she’s good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like “Oh, but you just don’t know her,” then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
  7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
  8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she’s always putting you down, just “giving you a hard time” and “keeping you in your place,” better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
  9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don’t, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
  10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can’t articulate it?
Marriage is wonderful, I know first hand. But it is also a source of misery for many. If you think looking at potential spouses with a critical eye is rude, think again–it is far better to identify problems and part than to overlook problems and trap both of you, and future children, in marital misery.
 
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