What to tell a lapsed Catholic who may come to Mass with me

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Feanaro_s_Wife

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I need your help.

I usually attend weekly Mass with my hubby. He is in the military and will be going away soon.

I have a friend from high school who is a lapsed Catholic. She has expressed interest in coming to Mass with me when hubby is out of town.

The problem? She is divorced and remarried without an annnulment. She is not well catechized and I need to know if I should somehow remind her of the Church’s teachings on who can receive communion and why.

I would like nothing more than to see her regain her faith and do not want to do anything to jeopardize her return to the Church. I am not sure of my role here. Should I say something? Should I keep quiet and let her sort it out? What do I do if she goes up to receive in an apparent state of mortal sin?

My gut tells me I should appoach this in a way that is non-judgmental and non-personal. Is there something I could print off the internet that kind of goes over the general things a lapsed Catholic may need to be reminded or made aware of when returning to Mass?

I would appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions.

Malia
 
If your friend has been away from the sacraments for a while, she may already be aware that she should not receive Communion, so you may not have to say anything. You probably won’t know that for sure until after the first time she accompanies you to Mass.

Another approach you might take is to offer her the opportunity to accompany you to Confession the day before the two of you attend Mass together.

Hope that helps.
 
Servulus’ advice is good.

However, I wouldn’t wait until Communion time. Mistake. Ask the friend about it before Mass. Tell her that she’ll honor the sacrament, and God, more by NOT receiving it until she squares her status with the Church again.
 
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Servulus:
If your friend has been away from the sacraments for a while, she may already be aware that she should not receive Communion, so you may not have to say anything. You probably won’t know that for sure until after the first time she accompanies you to Mass.

From various conversations, I have serious doubts that she knows she should abstain from Holy Communion.

My concern is that if I fail to say something ahead of time that I will be aiding in sin. But I also wonder if I say something if it will turn her away from Church again.

I am just confused and really want to dothe right thing.

Another approach you might take is to offer her the opportunity to accompany you to Confession the day before the two of you attend Mass together.

Honestly, I don’t think this would help as she doesn’t believe she is doing anything wrong. What I am looking for is a gentle way to introduce Church teachings to her without appearing to be targeting her in particular. More of a “hey, I didn’t know this about the Church (I am a new convert)… did you know this?”

Malia

Hope that helps.
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BibleReader:
Servulus’ advice is good.

However, I wouldn’t wait until Communion time. Mistake. Ask the friend about it before Mass. Tell her that she’ll honor the sacrament, and God, more by NOT receiving it until she squares her status with the Church again.
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I am not sure that waiting to see what happens is a good idea either.

At this point, I don’t think me (a new convert) telling her (a cradle Catholic) how she should honor the sacrament and God by not receiving it will have a good effect on her faith.

I really think in this situation it should be done in a way that can’t be perceived as personal but gives her the info that she needs to have.

Malia
 
Download Pope Benedict’s teachings on the subject. Then, the next time you speak with your friend, thank her for offering to go to Mass with you. Then say that you would prefer her to read something before coming with you to Mass. Then phone her a few days before Mass. If she has not read it, then say that you would prefer not going with her until she has read it. If she has read it, then go with her and say nothing more about it. If she goes up for communion, that that is between God and her. If she says she has not read it, then say that you will go alone until she reads it. You can only help by being a good example. Don’t nag her. 😉
 
Ani Ibi:
Download Pope Benedict’s teachings on the subject. Then, the next time you speak with your friend, thank her for offering to go to Mass with you. Then say that you would prefer her to read something before coming with you to Mass. Then phone her a few days before Mass. If she has not read it, then say that you would prefer not going with her until she has read it. If she has read it, then go with her and say nothing more about it. If she goes up for communion, that that is between God and her. If she says she has not read it, then say that you will go alone until she reads it. You can only help by being a good example. Don’t nag her. 😉
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Thank you very much. That sounds like a good idea. Could you possibly give me a link to the work you are referring to?

Malia
 
I’d approach this by asking two questions: “What am I trying to do?” and “Why do I have to do it?”

The first one is easy, “I’m trying to bring this person back to the Church.” The second one is more difficult – there are complex issues here and I may not be qualified to deal with them.

The first thing I’d do is speak with the priest. He should be glad to help. I’d grease the skids by making sure he was available the first time we went to mass before the mass started and there was time for him to talk to her.

I’d hope he would approach the problem with, “I understand you haven’t been to mass in quite a while. Let’s talk over how we can help you.”
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I need your help.

I usually attend weekly Mass with my hubby. He is in the military and will be going away soon.

I have a friend from high school who is a lapsed Catholic. She has expressed interest in coming to Mass with me when hubby is out of town.

The problem? She is divorced and remarried without an annnulment. She is not well catechized and I need to know if I should somehow remind her of the Church’s teachings on who can receive communion and why.

I would like nothing more than to see her regain her faith and do not want to do anything to jeopardize her return to the Church. I am not sure of my role here. Should I say something? Should I keep quiet and let her sort it out? What do I do if she goes up to receive in an apparent state of mortal sin?

My gut tells me I should appoach this in a way that is non-judgmental and non-personal. Is there something I could print off the internet that kind of goes over the general things a lapsed Catholic may need to be reminded or made aware of when returning to Mass?

I would appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions.

Malia
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**Why don’t you just take her along to “confession” before you go to Mass with her? Don’t take on the big issues, just recommend that she go to confession before going to Mass. That’s what you really want, isn’t it? ** Just smile a LOT and nag her about going to confession. Tell her to tell the priest she hasn’t been to confession or mass in some time, so that he can HELP her with her confession.

Then, you may feel better that you didn’t try to “convert” her. Let her be mad at the priest, if anybody. Can this backfire? Sure, like anything else.
 
BayCityRickL said:
**Why don’t you just take her along to “confession” before you go to Mass with her? Don’t take on the big issues, just recommend that she go to confession before going to Mass. That’s what you really want, isn’t it? **Just smile a LOT and nag her about going to confession. Tell her to tell the priest she hasn’t been to confession or mass in some time, so that he can HELP her with her confession.
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That’s what I would have recommended, except for this:
The problem? She is divorced and remarried without an annnulment.
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Until that problem is solved, she cannot take communion.
 
BayCityRickL said:
Why don’t you just take her along to “confession” before you go to Mass with her?
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Yeah, I think this is a better idea than the one I suggested. Take her to confession. 🙂
 
You could just simply tell her that because her marriage is not recognized by the Church that she can go up for a blessing at Communion time, but not receive. Explain how she can cross her arms in front of her so they know she is receiving a blessing only, or that she can stay seated in the pew.

If she asks more questions or wants to receive Communion, you can then defer to the priest “I’m not really sure, why don’t you talk with Fr. about it?”

Often the missals at Church have a beautiful explanation of Communion and who is allowed to received – maybe pick one up and look at the front or back few pages to see if it’s there, then show it to your friend before you go to Mass.
 
I wouldn’t discuss any of this stuff with her. I would simply go to Mass with her like I would with anyone else.
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I am not sure of my role here. Should I say something?

Malia
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Yes! Most definitely say something. I believe you have a moral obligation to speak with her.

Pray Malia 👍 . I also had to deal with this many times. Not particularly about a divorced and re-married Catholic. But, I believe MOST lapsed Catholics at least, know they’re not suppose to receive when divorced and re-married.

Just tell her the truth. “It is very hard for me to talk with you about this but I wanted to know if you understand that divorced and re- married Catholics are suppose to have been granted an annulment before they can receive Holy Communion in the Church?” Or, SOMETHING along those lines. Maybe ask her if she is going to come up and receive a blessing at Communion time by crossing her arms before the Priest etc.

I will say a special prayer for you Malia. I know how hard it can be. Pray and be charitable. And trust in the Lord.

Joe
 
Pray for her first. Thank her for joining you at mass as she is doing it for your benefit as well as her own, though she may not fully realize that now. Then in the front cover of most missallettes (I know that’s probably mispelled) there are guidelines for the reception of Holy Communion. You might take her with you to church and say something like, “Thank you for coming with me. I’m happy you are here, and I thought you might like to read the latest guidelines regarding Communion.” Then show her the guidelines and let her own conscience do the rest. Keep praying for her conversion. Be gentle. You have done what you are obligated to do. Let God do the rest.
 
Malia,

Maybe you could say something like, “Did you know that even though you can’t receive Communion, you can receive a blessing by walking up with your arms crossed in front of your chest?” That way, you will be assuming she knows the Church’s teaching concerning adultery, but not the Church’s practice of giving blessings. It may open the door for her to say “What do you mean I can’t receive communion?” Or, you could just say, “Are you going to come up during Communion to receive a blessing?” (I am thinking as I type here, lol!) Just some ideas!

BTW, do you know for sure that her first marriage was a sacramental marriage such that it is recognized as valid by the CC?
 
I took a lapsed Catholic friend of mine to Mass yesterday. Knowing that he’d not been to confession or anything, I just said to him, on the way there, “you know you can’t receive communion, right?” Then I explained why.

Then again, we have a very casual relationship and I was confident that I wouldn’t be offending him.

God bless.

+Joel

p.s. Later, at breakfast, he asked me what he’d have to do in order to be able to fully participate. So, I think his interest might be piqued.
 
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Cassaba:
BTW, do you know for sure that her first marriage was a sacramental marriage such that it is recognized as valid by the CC?
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Her first marriage was in the Church. She is Catholic and I’m pretty sure husband #1 is too. From what I know of the situation, I have reason to believe that she would have a good chance of getting an annulment from that marriage.

But she refuses to look into it, saying that it would make her child from that marriage illegitimate. I have tried to explain that it wouldn’t, but that is her thinking at this time.

Malia
 
Sgt Sweaters:
I took a lapsed Catholic friend of mine to Mass yesterday. Knowing that he’d not been to confession or anything, I just said to him, on the way there, “you know you can’t receive communion, right?” Then I explained why.

Then again, we have a very casual relationship and I was confident that I wouldn’t be offending him.

God bless.

+Joel

p.s. Later, at breakfast, he asked me what he’d have to do in order to be able to fully participate. So, I think his interest might be piqued.
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Thanks for sharing this Joel. Unfortunately, I am not confident that she wouldn’t get offended.

I hope your friend continues to explore what he needs to do to return to good standing with the Church. He is lucky to have a friend like you.

Malia
 
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