What to tell the kids

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Okay, so as I posted, we are now separated. I had hoped not to proceed to divorce and that he would get help, but within 36 hrs. of the mediation agreement, he had another outrageous episode of screaming and swearing at me. This time he was kicking and punching the car, so now I’m not even willing to entertain that I can deal with this, or that I should have to.
The question I have is: how much/what to tell the kids? My older ones (15+) have seen enough and know enough. The 13yo girl can definitely see that something is wrong and neither she nor the 11yo girl (she’s the one he sent to ICU last year) are comfortable being around him without me present, too.
I’m most concerned about the 8yo boy. My husband was coming up to visit them last weekend and he stood at the window saying, 'my daddy is coming! My daddy is coming!" and it was a heartbreak to hear how much he misses him.
Is it best to say that he is sick, or is that too scary for a kid to understand? Maybe I just say that dad needs help? Any experience would be appreciated.
 
Your family is in my prayers.

It’s a very tough time. First question, are you safe. The riskiest time in these situations is at breakup.
Second question is do you have a professional counsellor. If so, it’s best to talk this over with that person. If not, get in touch with people offering support services in this area. Kids in this situation need a bit of help to deal with what led up to the seperation, and what might run parr to the course until life settles down again.
 
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re dealing with. Rose has good advice.

I think I would talk to the children separately considering their ages.The 13yo and 11yo I would reassure them that you won’t let him see them alone and tell them his behaviour is never acceptable, and it’s not a way they or you should live.

Maybe for the 8yo you can tell him Daddy has problems with anger and he needs to get some help to deal with it. Maybe as well say that his Daddy loves him a lot but he isn’t well and he isn’t acting like a husband should, so Mum and Dad are living separately.

I agree with the advice to let them talk it through with a therapist, if that’s what they want to do.
 
The children need to be in counseling. This is not easy for them, get a professional involved.
 
exiled1 said:
Is it best to say that he is sick, or is that too scary for a kid to understand? Maybe I just say that dad needs help?
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I think, “daddy needs help before he can come home” or similar is sufficient information for an 8 year old to grasp.

I hope you can sort this out and I hope your husband agrees to get the help he needs. I’ll pray for you.
 
Have you decided on custody/visitation yet? (personally, I’d be against any 'alone times outside your home, as he has slowed them to both drink and drive while underage, and in his care).

Tell your kids the truth…he is an alcoholic, mentally ill, and you probably stayed with him for too long, as it is. And don’t ever let him guilt you into anything! I’m so glad that you’re finally away from him! Please, keep your kids and yourself safe from this man!
 
I was just marveling last night at how pleasant and peaceful each day is with the kids and myself. Yes, we are safe and many miles away. I don’t know how he’s going to react when he learns I have decided on divorce, though. He may show up here in anger or tears (tears of manipulation, not repentance)
Part of the separation agreement included that he is not to drink when the kids are with him, nor eight hours beforehand. I’m allowed to cancel any trip if I have reason to believe he is drinking.
To Rose: I have been in counseling and spiritual direction the entire time, but the kids have not. The truth is that they are so close to me that I figured they would tell me anything, but I guess that’s a bit rose-colored. I’ll find a counselor for them.
Thank you all.
 
After imposing a restraining order you explain to them the fear for your safety and theirs. He should do time for sending the child to the ICU. I set on a family advocacy group in a hospital setting and saw that abused women return to their abuser an average of seven times before they either get killed, or call it quits.
 
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