What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?

  • Thread starter Thread starter injenn00
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

injenn00

Guest
Hello! I’m going to pose the question at hand before going into any background info: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
In December, I met a man where our best friends date one another. We immediately kicked it off on the right foot and our conversations have usually been lively and refreshing. Thereafter, I would see him on occasion whenever our best friends decided to go out. Somtimes it even appeared like we’re on a double date, but no such intention suggested that between he and I.

About a month ago, we exchanged numbers and even began to hang out at least once a week without our best friends. Without going into too much detail, I’m pretty convinced he believes that we’re “just friends” since our topics of conversation sometimes leads to “what do you look for in a guy/girl?” I really enjoy the conversations because we both get to see what we would desire from a significant other and we even make suggestions about who to date (or if we have a friend we think would be dateable to me/him). The crazy thing is that we also have very similar fundamental values about how a relationship should be, raising a family, and the like.

Now I’m starting to like him (a lot) and I’m afraid to allow this “lust” or physical/emotional fondness I have for him consume me. In the past, I’ve been very committed to my relationships and would basically structure my life around my boyfriend. In some respect, by doing that, I lost my own identity and even sacrificed my faith to make a relationship work. I’ve turned those bad habits around in the past year since I’ve been single as well as had a profound conversion of faith during this time. I’ve also began to discern the religious life, but with this man in the picture, I’m not so sure if that’s God’s plan for me. The funny thing about this situation is that I can honestly say that he views us as friends right now and I’m afraid to jeopardize our friendship by even hinting that I have interest in him. The hardest part for me is that I’m always thinking about him.

Thus, back to my original question: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
 
Are you 100% sure that he doesn’t like you a bit too. Sometimes a guy casually asking “So what do you look for in a guy?” is a way of asking “Am I even possibly your type?”

It sounds like the way you are currently seeing him is a healthy and holy way. Chaste meetings with nice conversations are always acceptable. I would certainly be careful of hanging out in someone’s bedroom, esp. if you are really attracted to him. If at all possible, I’d go for more public places, or at least places where other people will be around too.
 
And just how do you know exactly how he feels about you? 😉

Much peace!

Mike 🙂
 
injenn00 said:
Hello! I’m going to pose the question at hand before going into any background info: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
In December, I met a man where our best friends date one another. We immediately kicked it off on the right foot and our conversations have usually been lively and refreshing. Thereafter, I would see him on occasion whenever our best friends decided to go out. Somtimes it even appeared like we’re on a double date, but no such intention suggested that between he and I.

About a month ago, we exchanged numbers and even began to hang out at least once a week without our best friends. Without going into too much detail, I’m pretty convinced he believes that we’re “just friends” since our topics of conversation sometimes leads to “what do you look for in a guy/girl?” I really enjoy the conversations because we both get to see what we would desire from a significant other and we even make suggestions about who to date (or if we have a friend we think would be dateable to me/him). The crazy thing is that we also have very similar fundamental values about how a relationship should be, raising a family, and the like.

Now I’m starting to like him (a lot) and I’m afraid to allow this “lust” or physical/emotional fondness I have for him consume me. In the past, I’ve been very committed to my relationships and would basically structure my life around my boyfriend. In some respect, by doing that, I lost my own identity and even sacrificed my faith to make a relationship work. I’ve turned those bad habits around in the past year since I’ve been single as well as had a profound conversion of faith during this time. I’ve also began to discern the religious life, but with this man in the picture, I’m not so sure if that’s God’s plan for me. The funny thing about this situation is that I can honestly say that he views us as friends right now and I’m afraid to jeopardize our friendship by even hinting that I have interest in him. The hardest part for me is that I’m always thinking about him.

Thus, back to my original question: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
Click to expand...
First, it’s great that you’ve found a gentleman, and you understand the qualities. Gentlemanly behavior seems to have disappeared in some circles. I don’t know you, but relationships should start with creating a friendship, and, like myself, finding out I really enjoy the company of the other person, who knows how to be a proper lady, and I mean that in a fun, intelligent and a natural way. You’re obviously attracted to him so I would consider asking him out. If that sounds wrong then don’t.

Speaking from a man’s point of view, the physical appearance and chemistry that occurs when I meet a compatible person encourages me to start dating. In my case, even if she was a total beauty, it wouldn’t matter if we weren’t compatible. In fact, I met such a young lady and quickly realized that we were not compatible. This didn’t make her less attractive but I would not ask out such a person.

Hope this helps,

Ed
 
What you describe seems a good way to me. It seems that your relationship has developed to the point where you are sharing personal details that are usually reserved for intimates. You are right to be concerned for chastity.

It is also quite possible that he is experiencing the same thoughts as you. I recommend two courses of action:

First, make a discernment retreat for the religious life, even if you have already done so. Ask your gentleman friend to pray for your discernment.

Second, the next time you are in one of these conversations with him, it would not be out of place for you to express your appreciation for his friendship and that some of your ideas about what you are looking for in a spouse are now modeled on his respect for you. Such a statement would hopefully be circumspect enough that he wouldn’t think you’re hitting on him.
 
To answer the main question, keep doing what you are doing. It is sort of a model of how a relationship should work.

Secondly, ask him what he thinks of your relationship. Explain over the past few months you’ve really enjoyed the time you spend together and are starting to experience deeper feelings. Ask if he is as well.

good luck!
 
SonCatcher said:
What you describe seems a good way to me. It seems that your relationship has developed to the point where you are sharing personal details that are usually reserved for intimates. You are right to be concerned for chastity.

It is also quite possible that he is experiencing the same thoughts as you. I recommend two courses of action:

First, make a discernment retreat for the religious life, even if you have already done so. Ask your gentleman friend to pray for your discernment.

Second, the next time you are in one of these conversations with him, it would not be out of place for you to express your appreciation for his friendship and that some of your ideas about what you are looking for in a spouse are now modeled on his respect for you. Such a statement would hopefully be circumspect enough that he wouldn’t think you’re hitting on him.
Click to expand...
Wait, if she really does like him, why wouldn’t she want to hit on him? :confused:
 
injenn00 said:
Hello! I’m going to pose the question at hand before going into any background info: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
In December, I met a man where our best friends date one another. We immediately kicked it off on the right foot and our conversations have usually been lively and refreshing. Thereafter, I would see him on occasion whenever our best friends decided to go out. Somtimes it even appeared like we’re on a double date, but no such intention suggested that between he and I.

About a month ago, we exchanged numbers and even began to hang out at least once a week without our best friends. Without going into too much detail, I’m pretty convinced he believes that we’re “just friends” since our topics of conversation sometimes leads to “what do you look for in a guy/girl?” I really enjoy the conversations because we both get to see what we would desire from a significant other and we even make suggestions about who to date (or if we have a friend we think would be dateable to me/him). The crazy thing is that we also have very similar fundamental values about how a relationship should be, raising a family, and the like.

Now I’m starting to like him (a lot) and I’m afraid to allow this “lust” or physical/emotional fondness I have for him consume me.
Click to expand...
This in particular stood out to me while I was reading your post. Forgive me if you already understand this, but physical/sexual/emotional attraction is not the same thing as lust. They can be lustful, but they are not always so. If you are having a hard time distinguishing between lustful attractions and normal healthy ones I highly suggest reading JPII’s works “Theology of the Body” and “Love and Responsibility”. These physical/sexual/emotional attractions are very important in a married relationship so if one wishes to get married it is important for them to find the balance between rejecting these attractions altogether and allowing oneself to twist these attractions into lustful attractions or allowing them to lead one into sin.
In the past, I’ve been very committed to my relationships and would basically structure my life around my boyfriend. In some respect, by doing that, I lost my own identity and even sacrificed my faith to make a relationship work.** I’ve turned those bad habits around in the past year** since I’ve been single as well as had a profound conversion of faith during this time.
Click to expand...
I am very glad to hear that. 🙂 In order for a relationship to work out and be healthy it is very important that neither person places their identity in the other person, they must be secure in themselves first. It is good that you have learned about this pitfall of relationships already so that you can avoid it now and in the future. 🙂
I’ve also began to discern the religious life, but with this man in the picture, I’m not so sure if that’s God’s plan for me. The funny thing about this situation is that I can honestly say that he views us as friends right now and I’m afraid to jeopardize our friendship by even hinting that I have interest in him. The hardest part for me is that I’m always thinking about him.
Click to expand...
Thus, back to my original question: What would be considered a healthy and holy way to like a gentleman?
Click to expand...
 
ChurchSoldier said:
To answer the main question, keep doing what you are doing. It is sort of a model of how a relationship should work.

Secondly, ask him what he thinks of your relationship. Explain over the past few months you’ve really enjoyed the time you spend together and are starting to experience deeper feelings. Ask if he is as well.

good luck!
Click to expand...
I agree with this. The whole thing sounds very healthy and holy so far.

At some point, you may/will need to have a conversation about your relationship. It may be that you’re both shy people waiting for the other to “make a move”. Conversations about “what do you look for in a guy/girl?” are often feelers to see if the other is thinking of you in that way. At some point, one of you will need to be more direct. If he doesn’t feel that way, you can just remain friends.
 
First off slow down. Girls seem to have a tendency of dating or marrying a guy in there mind way before reality matches that. So first my advice is to do a DTR, define the relationship. Until that happens try not to think about him as more than just a friend. You need to let him know how you feel about him. Your setting yourself up for more heartbreak by keeping it in then talking to him about it.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Wait, if she really does like him, why wouldn’t she want to hit on him? :confused:
Click to expand...
She wants to avoid the appearance of hitting on him in because if he doesn’t reciprocate then it might cause a rift in their friendship (I’m making assumptions, here).
 
These are all great responses and advice - thank you for all who have replied!

A few things first: it’s funny that there were mentions of Theology of the Body and Christopher West. One of my friend’s had just given me a copy of it in audio form YESTERDAY (talk about divine providence!). I have yet to listen to it and I think it’ll help me understand the “lust” and emotional/physical attraction to this man a little better.

With the brief detail in which I described the friendship, I know it’s hard to really hard to gauge what should be done next. The two common responses that I’ve seen from the posted replies were:
  1. Tell him I like him or;
  2. Continue at the friendsdhip pace
Yes, I think we are both shy people in respect to maybe admitting how we might feel about one another (if anything does exist on his side). I’m a little nervous to let him know how I feel and I’m afraid to hear how he really feels. I honestly believe that it might be too soon to bring that side of our feelings up.

I’ve even prayed about this entire situation, asking God if this was His will (because I’d be more than willing to abandon these feelings if there were clear signs NOT to). The more I tell God that I’ll do whatever He asks of me and put myself in total and complete abandonment to Him, an opportunity to hang out together with this man presents itself.

One of the posts made note of telling him about my discernment and even taking a retreat. I actually have a spiritual director already and they are fully aware of the situation. They, too, suggested going on a retreat, but also encouraged me to hang out with this man because this is all part of the discernment process.

I truly appreciate all the replies to my question. I’m always open to any other suggestions/advice. It seems that one day in the near future, one of us will need to possibly bring something up. I honestly feel that when the moment is “right”, it’ll present itself…or not. I trust that God knows exactly what’s going on and He’s looking out for my best interests. I also know, too, that as a human with free will, we are also responsible to make these decisions that hopefully follow the path that God is leading us to. I don’t know if it’s wrong to think of this situation like this, but it’s what keeps me going and feel content regardless of the outcome of the situation.
 
injenn00 said:
With the brief detail in which I described the friendship, I know it’s hard to really hard to gauge what should be done next. The two common responses that I’ve seen from the posted replies were:
  1. Tell him I like him or;
  2. Continue at the friendsdhip pace
Yes, I think we are both shy people in respect to maybe admitting how we might feel about one another (if anything does exist on his side). I’m a little nervous to let him know how I feel and I’m afraid to hear how he really feels. I honestly believe that it might be too soon to bring that side of our feelings up.
Click to expand...
Just be careful of one trap though - the dreaded “friends zone”. This is where a person is attracted to another, but waits so long to tell them that the relationship is already established as a friendship and it is hard to move from that.

Sorry, I don’t mean to make it even more complicated for you. I just think a little openness and honesty might help you work this out better than wondering what each other is thinking.
 
underacloud said:
Just be careful of one trap though - the dreaded “friends zone”. This is where a person is attracted to another, but waits so long to tell them that the relationship is already established as a friendship and it is hard to move from that.
Click to expand...
I know at least three couples who have successfully made that transition. My own parents are among them (to this day, they each think the other brought it up, first).
 
SonCatcher said:
I know at least three couples who have successfully made that transition. My own parents are among them (to this day, they each think the other brought it up, first).
Click to expand...
Yes, it’s certainly possible to make such a transition. And a strong friendship is a great basis for a marriage.

It’s also very possible to remain friends with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your romantic interest. I’m still good friends with women who either I was interested in but she wasn’t, or the other way around. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open about it, especially when there are doubts playing on you, such as for the OP.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top