What would make a good MIL?

[Giannawannabe]

Just following up with the Monster-In-Law thread. I’ve got a ways to go, but I would like to be a good MIL. My mother is not a good example of being a good MIL (her 2 DIL and 2 SIL despise her–I know that sounds uncharitable…but true ) My MIL is okay, but we’ve never been close. So, I’d like to hear some good MIL stories that will inspire us MILs-to-be!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

If ONLY I could clone mine–the world would be a much happier place. Without writing a novel in her honor–I’d have to say my MIL has endeared herself to me because she is such a model of active loving. She doesn’t just pen nice cards, send lots of thoughtful gifts or compliment us endlessly (though she does do some of those things) but she IS involved. She really knows my kids as individuals, she is a model of faith and has been diligent about gently prodding us to stay close to ours. She is a perfect hostess and delightful guest–and always recognizes and appreciates the least thing you do for her. She is cheerful, active, social and lots of fun and is cherished by many of our friends. She has been kinder and more loving to me than my own mother–who I respect, but to whom I have never been very close. I have been highly blessed to have this woman in my life and can only hope to be half the wonderful mother and MIL she has been to all of us.

 

[sparkle]

Giannawannabe:

Just following up with the Monster-In-Law thread. I’ve got a ways to go, but I would like to be a good MIL. My mother is not a good example of being a good MIL (her 2 DIL and 2 SIL despise her–I know that sounds uncharitable…but true ) My MIL is okay, but we’ve never been close. So, I’d like to hear some good MIL stories that will inspire us MILs-to-be!!!

Hey Giannawannabe: Aren’t your youngins’ still kinda small? Isn’t this maybe a bit premature to even be thinking about such? Get on with it–and God will of course provide your way------Oh well~ Ce La Vie! Never too early I suppose to be thinkin’ of it----I think someone first and foremost who appreciates the fact that they love my child with all their heart, hopefully of course. Someone who supports, encourages and affirms, their new child, and is willing to help in any way possible, encourages rather than breaks down. Affirms rather than critisizes. This is key. As many of you know, my MIL has been a “monster-in-law” as far as I am concerned, and I so pray I will NOT be such to my 3 sons. Rather, to give support and love, and encouragement. I can’t wait to adore my daughter-in-laws. I do know however, I plan to be there for them, instead of working till my last dying breath, as my MIL did, and therefore missing out on so much. I want to be available. This is crucial, I believe. How can I help? Should this be MIL’s motto? I think so!

God Bless Friends~~

 

[mommy]

Giannawannabe:

Just following up with the Monster-In-Law thread. I’ve got a ways to go, but I would like to be a good MIL. My mother is not a good example of being a good MIL (her 2 DIL and 2 SIL despise her–I know that sounds uncharitable…but true ) My MIL is okay, but we’ve never been close. So, I’d like to hear some good MIL stories that will inspire us MILs-to-be!!!

I don’t know if there is a set formula. But I’ve got a great mother in law. I’d say #1 - be a good person, and the rest will follow.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

A good mother-in-law

–accepts her SIL & DIL as she had to accept her own children: as God sent them, and not as she wishes they were. She makes them members of her family.

–accepts that her adult children are adults, and should be treated as such. She gives them the respect due adults, even if she has to bite her tongue off to do it. She has the humility to admit to herself that she is not allowed a “do over” now that they’re grown.

–accepts that she has an important supporting role in the lives of her children and grandchildren, but that it is a supporting role. She may lead only by love, not by coercion.

–always supports the marriages of her children and the primacy of their responsibility to their nuclear families.

–appreciates that her own marriage is still a witness for her children and grandchildren, and treats her husband accordingly.

–appreciates that she is the primary support and prophet for her husband to be a good FIL and grandfather.

–knows that she, of all people, needs to be someone who will keep her head when everything seems to be going wrong.

–knows how important it is to listen, and that it is not her job to have all the answers, or to even let on that she knows them, when the job of discerning the answer is part of the task at hand for the person confiding in her.

–is a keeper of tradition, but not an enforcer of tradition.

–avoids competition with her children’s in-laws, even if it means that Christmas and Thanksgiving are going to see some changes.

–is not only generous with her help to her children, but is also not too proud to give her children and grandchildren the opportunity to help her and revere her, whether or not she feels she needs it.

–accepts a full life, centered in God, which is not solely a matter of being a grandmother.

PS to Giannawannabe: There is a LOT of letting go involved. You cannot start getting ready for that a moment too soon.

 

[Giannawannabe]

BLB_Oregon:

. PS to Giannawannabe: There is a LOT of letting go involved. You cannot start getting ready for that a moment too soon.

Thanks BLB----

I try to practice now with my kids’ friends. I like most of them, but some are just not my cup of tea—not bad kids really, just not who I would pick!!! So, I try really hard not to say anything derogatory about these friends and let them come over and be nice to them, etc.

Good points EVERYONE!! I’d love to hear more about these great MILs.

Island Oak—you are so blessed.

 

[Giannawannabe]

sparkle:

Hey Giannawannabe: Aren’t your youngins’ still kinda small? Isn’t this maybe a bit premature to even be thinking about such?
God Bless Friends~~

Hi sparkle.
I just thought of starting this thread because of the Monster In Law thread. Also, every time my mother is so incredibly awful to my husband or other SIL/DIL, I think “okay, don’t do that”. Just trying to get a heads up on the whole deal:thumbsup:

 

[mom2boyz]

I pray for my future DIL and I also pray that I will be a good MIL. I do this now and my sons are only 4 & 6. I figure I will need a lot of help. I always say I don’t want to be my sons’ friends, but I sure would like to be my DILs’ friend. I’m not close to my MIL. She has alzhiemers now so I will never be close to her. A couple of things she did were to bring up an old flame while we were engaged. The other thing was that my husband could do no wrong. I married him so I know I thought he was great but I’v lived with him and have found out he isn’t perfect. It would have been nice to have some support. He was her “golden child” and sometimes it is hard to be married to the “perfect” son. I think I know my sons aren’t perfect.

 

[catsrus]

I am a great MIL! I smile a lot, bring treats, remember their birthdays and keep my mouth shut.
My DIL loves me, and I her.
I am not at all close with my SIL.

 

[turboEDvo]

Well, my gf’s mom is totally awesome. She really just reminds me of my mother: nice to everyone, many opinions, not particularly worried to let anyone in her house know about them. But mainly, she is just great to me, has welcomed me in, and just treats me mostly like another one of her kids. I love her.

Eamon

 

[Giannawannabe]

catsrus:

I am a great MIL! I smile a lot, bring treats, remember their birthdays and keep my mouth shut

This is great!!! Keeping my mouth shut will be the biggest challenge for me, I think

 

[DJgang]

mommy:

I don’t know if there is a set formula. But I’ve got a great mother in law. I’d say #1 - be a good person, and the rest will follow.

I think you hit the nail on the head! Be a good person…someone that everyone loves to be around and be with…my MIL…well, not fun to be around…I haven’t been around her or talked to her since April 23…Yee haw! :clapping: But probably will see her on my youngest son’s birthday in about 2 weeks…I think I will get Holy Water before she comes over!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Giannawannabe:

Thanks BLB----

I try to practice now with my kids’ friends. I like most of them, but some are just not my cup of tea—not bad kids really, just not who I would pick!!! So, I try really hard not to say anything derogatory about these friends and let them come over and be nice to them, etc.

Good points EVERYONE!! I’d love to hear more about these great MILs.

Island Oak—you are so blessed.

My parents did this… it was a good thing. They never made me feel defensive about my choice of friends, so there wasn’t a pride issue in keeping with bad choices. In fact, when I discovered I had made a poor choice, they’d say that they’d done the same, you do the best you can, and sometimes your friends just don’t turn out to be on the same page.

The thing to concentrate on is your children’s behavior. Don’t say, “I don’t like Bridget. She’s bad for you.” This makes sticking with Bridget a matter of principle and autonomy. Say instead, “I don’t have a problem with Bridget–she’s always pleasant when I’m around her, and it’s for Bridget’s mom and dad to worry about Bridget’s choices. But if you let Bridget be the excuse for your poor choices–which is not a very nice thing to do!–I do have a problem with that. You know what our rules are. If you can’t let me know where you are and who you are with when you’re out, or you can’t keep yourself where you belong when you’re out with your friends and tell me the truth about what you’ve been up to, then in the future, you’ll be staying home.”

 

[KCT]

I don’t know, but I have a good friend and we promised eachother that if we started doing the annoying things our moms did, we remind eachother to cut it out! —KCT

 

[Giannawannabe]

BLB_Oregon:

My parents did this… it was a good thing. They never made me feel defensive about my choice of friends, so there wasn’t a pride issue in keeping with bad choices. In fact, when I discovered I had made a poor choice, they’d say that they’d done the same, you do the best you can, and sometimes your friends just don’t turn out to be on the same page.

The thing to concentrate on is your children’s behavior. Don’t say, “I don’t like Bridget. She’s bad for you.” This makes sticking with Bridget a matter of principle and autonomy. Say instead, “I don’t have a problem with Bridget–she’s always pleasant when I’m around her, and it’s for Bridget’s mom and dad to worry about Bridget’s choices. But if you let Bridget be the excuse for your poor choices–which is not a very nice thing to do!–I do have a problem with that. You know what our rules are. If you can’t let me know where you are and who you are with when you’re out, or you can’t keep yourself where you belong when you’re out with your friends and tell me the truth about what you’ve been up to, then in the future, you’ll be staying home.”

I

It sounds like you have very wise parents BLB!!! I like the concentrating on your own child’s behavior vs. criticizing the child’s friend.

 

[Giannawannabe]

KCT:

I don’t know, but I have a good friend and we promised eachother that if we started doing the annoying things our moms did, we remind eachother to cut it out! —KCT

My sister and I have made this same pact!!! So far, it’s been working. We’ve got a long way to go though .