What would you do in my shoes

[tektonik]

I’m 22 and currently working while still living at home with my family. I’m saving up so that I can move out, but realistically, even if I move out, I will still want to be with my family because I love them. I lived alone during college and I would visit home because I genuinely missed them.

Anyway, we go to Church every Sunday as a family. I know everyone struggles with their own cross and everyone is different, but when one person is so full of sin and pride that it starts to emotionally affect the entire family then something has to be done. I just don’t know how to approach this. My dad is really pleasure oriented and he doesn’t take his faith seriously. He thinks faith is one of those things you just agree to and then when you die you’ll be saved. I don’t think he realizes how everyday is a battle with yourself to deny your earthly desires and follow God’s desires.

Until recently, I thought the same about Jesus and Catholicism. I hit rock bottom and ran back as fast as I could. Now, like never before in my life, I actually feel purpose and true peace. I now feel like I am living. I want this to spread to my dad really hard. I tried to say prayer before we ate dinner as a family but he said we pray on Christmas and that’s enough. Okay, well I tried to talk about Jesus more vividly, and he absolutely flipped out and called me a psychopath, that I talk to Jesus. After that really harmless talk I tried to have, I have completely abandoned trying bring Jesus up. We go to Church, you say the Nicene Creed, but we can’t make this a reality inside our home?? Dad, why? A home filled with a love of God would rock our entire house.

So this is where I am at. I don’t want to focus on the negatives. The only thing that I am doing is working on sanctifying myself and just being an example of Christ through my actions. I have abandoned trying to bring God up in conversation with him. When I’m with him, I prefer to say nothing at all if I have nothing positive to say. Our relationship is not healthy. I have given him books about Saints, about late Popes, even the Bible, but he has never opened them. If I buy him a rosary, he will never use it. Catholic radio? He switches it off after a second. God is waiting with His arms wide open and my dad has his back turned to Him. I used to live like my dad, my whole family did, but after my tragic accident and conversion back, like I came back really really hard, it shook my siblings and mom’s faith in a positive way, but it left my dad unaffected.

He’s unhappy, emotionally unstable, and flips out at any moment. Of course I pray for him, as hard as it is sometimes, but how long is this going to last? It has been like this since I was born, but just now I am starting to realize all this in terms of God. The last thing I want to add, is that my dad was hospitalized a few months ago, and he was so weak that he was barely hanging on. He told my mom in private that he ‘faded out’ of this world and ended up somewhere where he heard screams and he felt very afraid. A voice told him to be a better husband and father. He also saw his own dad there and his dad told him to ‘go back’. Take that how you will, but it sounds like he got a second chance and that he went to purgatory or hell. I think hell, I thought people in purgatory wouldn’t be screaming. Anyway, take that last part as you will. My point is that he had that experience yet he still is not trying to change himself and there is absolutely no improvement on his part.

What do I do besides prayer and being an example of Christ in our home? The atmosphere in our home is tense, dry, and it’s fearful because you never know how dad is going to act today. How do I electrocute this home with God? My poor siblings are a lot younger than I am and I can see how it’s affecting them and I just want to cry. He is not being a good role model and our home is not a safe place for developing and growing in God.

 

[EasterJoy]

Get your own place as soon as reasonably possible. It will not only be a refuge for you, but it will allow you to offer a place of refuge to your siblings, if and when the need arises, which you seem to indicate it inevitably will. I don’t mean a place where they can come to live with you; you will probably have roommates or a place too small to make that realistic. I mean that sometimes it might do them a world of good to just go spend a day or an evening with you, out of the storm of unpredictability.

Your dad may have had more damage from that accident than you know: I mean neurological damage. Only God knows what the nature of that dream was, and certainly only God can judge the state of your dad’s soul. A near death experience implies that his body and possibly his brain were under a lot of stress, at any rate. Try to remember that, and try to be a place where those in your family can come in from out of that storm. You don’t have to judge your dad to judge that both you and your siblings (and maybe even your mom) could use a break from their experiences at home whenever that is possible.

Don’t worry, you can still visit a lot.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I’m 22 and currently working while still living at home with my family. I’m saving up so that I can move out, but realistically, even if I move out, I will still want to be with my family because I love them. I lived alone during college and I would visit home because I genuinely missed them.

Anyway, we go to Church every Sunday as a family. I know everyone struggles with their own cross and everyone is different, but when one person is so full of sin and pride that it starts to emotionally affect the entire family then something has to be done. I just don’t know how to approach this. My dad is really pleasure oriented and he doesn’t take his faith seriously. He thinks faith is one of those things you just agree to and then when you die you’ll be saved. I don’t think he realizes how everyday is a battle with yourself to deny your earthly desires and follow God’s desires.

Until recently, I thought the same about Jesus and Catholicism. I hit rock bottom and ran back as fast as I could. Now, like never before in my life, I actually feel purpose and true peace. I now feel like I am living. I want this to spread to my dad really hard. I tried to say prayer before we ate dinner as a family but he said we pray on Christmas and that’s enough. Okay, well I tried to talk about Jesus more vividly, and he absolutely flipped out and called me a psychopath, that I talk to Jesus. After that really harmless talk I tried to have, I have completely abandoned trying bring Jesus up. We go to Church, you say the Nicene Creed, but we can’t make this a reality inside our home?? Dad, why? A home filled with a love of God would rock our entire house.

So this is where I am at. I don’t want to focus on the negatives. The only thing that I am doing is working on sanctifying myself and just being an example of Christ through my actions. I have abandoned trying to bring God up in conversation with him. When I’m with him, I prefer to say nothing at all if I have nothing positive to say. Our relationship is not healthy. I have given him books about Saints, about late Popes, even the Bible, but he has never opened them. If I buy him a rosary, he will never use it. Catholic radio? He switches it off after a second. God is waiting with His arms wide open and my dad has his back turned to Him. I used to live like my dad, my whole family did, but after my tragic accident and conversion back, like I came back really really hard, it shook my siblings and mom’s faith in a positive way, but it left my dad unaffected.

He’s unhappy, emotionally unstable, and flips out at any moment. Of course I pray for him, as hard as it is sometimes, but how long is this going to last? It has been like this since I was born, but just now I am starting to realize all this in terms of God. The last thing I want to add, is that my dad was hospitalized a few months ago, and he was so weak that he was barely hanging on. He told my mom in private that he ‘faded out’ of this world and ended up somewhere where he heard screams and he felt very afraid. A voice told him to be a better husband and father. He also saw his own dad there and his dad told him to ‘go back’. Take that how you will, but it sounds like he got a second chance and that he went to purgatory or hell. I think hell, I thought people in purgatory wouldn’t be screaming. Anyway, take that last part as you will. My point is that he had that experience yet he still is not trying to change himself and there is absolutely no improvement on his part.

What do I do besides prayer and being an example of Christ in our home? The atmosphere in our home is tense, dry, and it’s fearful because you never know how dad is going to act today. How do I electrocute this home with God? My poor siblings are a lot younger than I am and I can see how it’s affecting them and I just want to cry. He is not being a good role model and our home is not a safe place for developing and growing in God.

As long as you are there keep a low profile and don’t talk about religion and don’t be too demonstrative about your prayers, etc. Remember, it is hard on your Mom too, don’t make it harder. Don’t judge your Dad, just keep praying for him.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t have much advice to offer you. But your story is heartbreaking and you will be in my prayers. Your father sounds like a very stubborn person, if he had that experience in the hospital and it STILL hasn’t changed his behavior. Some people leave this world with their lip stuck out in defiance, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Honestly, it sounds as if he’s not even a believer, because he’s antagonistic toward prayer and hearing about Jesus. Maybe he is, but maybe deep inside, he doesn’t believe. Of course you are already praying for him.

Maybe your sisters, you and your mom can say the rosary at night? Do it regardless of his reaction. I would ask your mom to pray before meals, too.

 

[JRKH]

I honestly don’t think that there IS much more that you can do. Make sure that your mom knows that you are there for her - even if you eventually move out you want to be as near as the phone…Same with your siblings.

It sounds as though your dad might have untreated medical issues…mental or emotional conditions are the most prevalent but even some medical conditions can this type of erratic behavior. You mention that he had been severely ill…is he on medication now? some meds can have behavioral side effects…

Obviously we can’t give out medical advice here and that is not my intent…but just thought I’d mention this and perhaps you and/or your mom should talk to his doctor about what’s been going on.
It’s worth a shot for everyone’s peace of mind.

Peace
James

 

[St_Francis]

Pray for your father and make sacrifices for him, but don’t let him know! Christ said something about prophets not being acceted in their own home towns, it can be that way with family too.

 

[april32010]

prayers,and i wish i had some advice that would be of help.

 

[lyle]

Continue to pray to God and be persistent in your prayer don’t give up. Also tell your dad that you love him and it sounds as if he needs a true friend. May God Bless you and your family. Keep going to church.

 

[Veronica97]

Could I suggest that you buy a green scapular (you can get one at your Catholic book store or parish gift shop), have it blessed by a priest, and then place it under your dad’s mattress? Then every day you pray, “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death. Amen.” Say it once for yourself and once for your dad. The green scapular is the scapular of conversion. It’s not a “good luck charm”–it’s a symbol of the commitment you make to pray to the Immaculate Heart of Mary each day for the conversion of your loved one. It hurts a lot when our loved ones don’t care anything about religion or about Jesus, and we worry about them. This is just a fraction of the hurt that Jesus feels when we turn away from Him. But God is REJOICING that you have come back!! Your dad and your whole family need your prayers and your example. God bless you.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I am reading two issues - one the issue of your dad’s rejection of your expression of faith, and the other is his emotional volatility unrelated to religion. Or is it all related to faith?

I had a turning point in my faith when I was in college, and spent a few more years, on and off, living with my parents after that, while we looked at faith in radically different ways. My initial enthusiasm for the faith resulted in me making a lot of efforts to convince my parents that they could see things my way, if only … It resulted in a lot of tension and unhappiness, and it certainly didn’t get my parents to change their minds. I think that particularly because I am their child, they saw my “preaching” to them as rather sophomoric - as though I thought I now had all the answers. I learned that I really WAS a little sophomoric, because I wasn’t recognizing that they were entrenched in their views for a reason, and that the life-changing information that I had just received was not going to be life changing for them. After all, it was God’s grace that put me in a place to be open to what I needed to hear. I, their child, am not the one who will ready my parents to change their hearts.

So what I learned is that I needed to lay off the religion topics, and in fact, even put those topics as semi-off-limits in our conversations. It sounds like you are trying to do that, which is good. Keep in mind that if your Dad has felt "assaulted’ by your “preaching” for a while now, it might take him some time to trust that you really aren’t waiting for the next chance to lecture him. (I’m not saying that’s what you were doing, but it might be how he felt, defensively, when you talked about faith). So it might take you a while of just going about your life peacefully, and trying to be an easy, pleasant person to live with before he settles down about it. One thing that helped me, when I was living home and working, was to come home from work, and immediately spend some time in prayer in my room. If you can do this, your dad doesn’t have to know you’re praying, or reading the bible, etc… All he knows is you’re changing from work, and taking a minute to yourself. Maybe the best thing you can do is show him that becoming more interested in your faith has led you to be happier and nicer. Remember that you don’t have to see the changes that are happening in his soul for them to be happening. You never know what affect your quiet peaceful witness of faith might have on him in the long run.

 

[Allegra]

Is discussing religion the only thing that sets your dad off? It seemed in the begining of your post that your relationship was good in general. If religion is the only issue of contention between you and your dad, I think this situation is one that can be very simply salvaged. Compromise with him. Respect his wishes that you not try to convert him. Quit giving him books and rosaries. Stop telling him what to do at his own dinner table. In return, explain that you expect that your religious beliefs will be respected. You can pray silently at the table without insisting on his participation. You can continue to make your spiritual journey without involving him, and therefore without offending him. Now, if there is more to this power struggle than the issue of religion, then I suggest you find other lodgings.

 

[tektonik]

Could I suggest that you buy a green scapular (you can get one at your Catholic book store or parish gift shop), have it blessed by a priest, and then place it under your dad’s mattress? Then every day you pray, “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death. Amen.” Say it once for yourself and once for your dad. The green scapular is the scapular of conversion. It’s not a “good luck charm”–it’s a symbol of the commitment you make to pray to the Immaculate Heart of Mary each day for the conversion of your loved one. It hurts a lot when our loved ones don’t care anything about religion or about Jesus, and we worry about them. This is just a fraction of the hurt that Jesus feels when we turn away from Him. But God is REJOICING that you have come back!! Your dad and your whole family need your prayers and your example. God bless you.

Thank you, I read a bunch about scapulars and this is perfect. Thank you.

 

[tektonik]

Is discussing religion the only thing that sets your dad off? It seemed in the begining of your post that your relationship was good in general. If religion is the only issue of contention between you and your dad, I think this situation is one that can be very simply salvaged. Compromise with him. Respect his wishes that you not try to convert him. Quit giving him books and rosaries. Stop telling him what to do at his own dinner table. In return, explain that you expect that your religious beliefs will be respected. You can pray silently at the table without insisting on his participation. You can continue to make your spiritual journey without involving him, and therefore without offending him. Now, if there is more to this power struggle than the issue of religion, then I suggest you find other lodgings.

Thank you for your guidance. I am definitely continuing my spiritual journey with or without him.

It is most certainly a power struggle. He is envious of my youth and how I keep my body exercised and healthy, while he has really let himself go. He is envious of the relationship I have with his wife, my mom, and he always interjects when I am with my mom. He is even envious that our dog will always sit with me rather than him, he goes as far as to incessantly call the dog over to him when I am sitting and petting her, but she never goes to him and stays with me, and this infuriates him. These are such trivial things, but this is our relationship since I can remember.

When I brought up God, I must have hit a nerve of his. I won’t preach, I won’t prod him in any direction. I am completely passive at home and secretly am developing my spirituality. The thing is that I will spend most of my day thinking about him and the gaping wound he leaves in my heart. I go back home and that wound increases, then I leave for work, and I spend all day thinking and praying and letting it heal, and then the process repeats. I need to move out and I’m happy that there is a way out of this.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you for your guidance. I am definitely continuing my spiritual journey with or without him.

How can one not? Growing in your spirituality, growing closer to God, is the best way that you can be of help to him.

It is most certainly a power struggle. He is envious of my youth and how I keep my body exercised and healthy, while he has really let himself go. He is envious of the relationship I have with his wife, my mom, and he always interjects when I am with my mom. He is even envious that our dog will always sit with me rather than him, he goes as far as to incessantly call the dog over to him when I am sitting and petting her, but she never goes to him and stays with me, and this infuriates him. These are such trivial things, but this is our relationship since I can remember.

This is so sad. I think that there is little doubt that your dad has deep seated and unresolved issues…but unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about these - except what you are already doing…

When I brought up God, I must have hit a nerve of his. I won’t preach, I won’t prod him in any direction. I am completely passive at home and secretly am developing my spirituality. The thing is that I will spend most of my day thinking about him and the gaping wound he leaves in my heart. I go back home and that wound increases, then I leave for work, and I spend all day thinking and praying and letting it heal, and then the process repeats. I need to move out and I’m happy that there is a way out of this.
Completely agree. Moving out is probably best for everyone, especially if you can still be fairly close and of help to your mom and siblings.

The whole tenor and tone of your posts tells me that you are doing everything right. Keep on your path, Live in love and show that love to all in your family as best you can. Then leave the rest to the Holy Spirit. In fact, the more loving you are, the more the Holy Spirit will work through you.

May God keep you.

Peace
James

 

[Bill_7154]

I don’t want to focus on the negatives. .

This is good and it leads me to believe you are wise beyond your years. Keep this up.

The only thing that I am doing is working on sanctifying myself and just being an example of Christ through my actions. I have abandoned trying to bring God up in conversation with him…

This also sounds like the right approach for the time being IMO considering your dad’s reactions.

When I’m with him, I prefer to say nothing at all if I have nothing positive to say. Our relationship is not healthy…

Sad, but a better approach than provoking argument when you know what will provoke argument. You might want to consider finding mutual interests, hobbies, etc and suggest that you do those things with him as a way to spend more positive time with him.

I have given him books about Saints, about late Popes, even the Bible, but he has never opened them. If I buy him a rosary, he will never use it. Catholic radio? He switches it off after a second. God is waiting with His arms wide open and my dad has his back turned to Him. .

My dad was similar when I was young (although he didn’t argue against religion or get upset when it was brought up, he just didn’t participate). Now he’s a Eucharistic Minister and goes to Church every day. So people can change. Change takes time and you can’t control that so trying to will bring you frustration and friction in your relationship with your dad.

He’s unhappy, emotionally unstable, and flips out at any moment. .

He may benefit from some sort of medical intervention. I’m guessing broaching this topic will upset him as well though. No great advice on how to try and get him to be evaluated medically and psychiatrically.

Of course I pray for him, as hard as it is sometimes, but how long is this going to last? It has been like this since I was born, but just now I am starting to realize all this in terms of God. .

This only God knows. Maybe the lesson for YOU in all of this is to learn patience.

What do I do besides prayer and being an example of Christ in our home? The atmosphere in our home is tense, dry, and it’s fearful because you never know how dad is going to act today. .

Sounds like my dad when I was growing up. I longed to have a relationship with him but he was always angry and distant, as well as an alcoholic. I wound up hating him so your better off than I was (I no longer hate him and have forgiven him).

How do I electrocute this home with God? My poor siblings are a lot younger than I am and I can see how it’s affecting them and I just want to cry. He is not being a good role model and our home is not a safe place for developing and growing in God.

This is sad. I lived this and a lot worse. Be greatful that your family is much better off than many other families in this world. Get help for yourself, so you can learn to cope with this better as you can’t change other people. Be helpful to your younger siblings, be their role model to the extent you can. Get them additional help if you can. Pray for him.

God Bless,
Bill