What would you do? Person in leadership role who maybe shouldn't be

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egao_gakari

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I’m a fairly new Catholic. Not looking to bash this person or anything, just want to get people’s “been there, done that,” if anybody has such a thing. I’ve been attending a parish for a few months and decided I’d like to get more involved. Tonight I went to a meeting of the ministry I’m interested in. After the meeting, I hung around chatting with somebody. This person, who is in several visible leadership roles in the parish, suddenly out of nowhere started ranting to me about a person in the parish whom they believe is “picking and choosing from the Bible to spread hate and bigotry.” They went so far as to say they cringe whenever they see or think about this third person, who wasn’t present to defend herself. In the course of the conversation they also flippantly referred to December 8th as the “Assumption or Immaculate Consumption or whatever.” I thought it was a joke and laughed, but then later in the conversation the person, again in this nasty-joking sort of way, brought up that the normal schedule has been disrupted because “It’s October so people want to pray the stupid Rosary.” The word “stupid” was repeated several times in reference to the Rosary and the people who want to pray it.

I don’t know how much it matters, but the person who was being gossiped about is a deacon’s wife who is currently dying of cancer. I honestly didn’t know what to say or how to respond, other than sort of noncommittally nodding/smiling. I’m not a boat-rocker, and I wasn’t prepared for the level of viciousness that suddenly came out of this person. If you’ve encountered something like this before, how did you handle it? Go to Father? I’m afraid it’ll get out that I’m the one who made the complaint; is that a reasonable fear to have? Change parishes? Write the bishop? Something else?
 
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I would say to this person next time they start up

’ when is Sacrament of Reconcilliation. We are both going to have to go now for engaging in gossip and disrespecting the Mother of God. Then start saying Hail Mary.
 
You have never heard malicious gossip before? You are incredibly lucky! You can hardly write the bishop or change parish every time you hear something malicious. You could discuss it with your pastor. I probably wouldn’t, though. Sometimes people act badly just because they are tired or in a bad mood. Wait and see if this is a repeat pattern.
 
I agree with Paul and would let one encounter go and pray for this person. If it happens again I would consider telling the person "I don’t engage in gossip, and please don’t offend the Mother of God by calling the rosary stupid " and if it keeps you from joining the ministry she leads I would definitely speak to the Pastor.

I have encountered gossip before but not of such a vile nature as calling the rosary stupid and ranting about a woman dying of cancer.

God bless you for wanting to become move involved in the Church.
 
MaryT777 said:
I have encountered gossip before but not of such a vile nature as calling the rosary stupid and ranting about a woman dying of cancer.
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Exactly. I’m also a new Catholic. I encountered vicious gossip, of the life-ruining kind, at the Episcopal church I grew up in and it left a bad taste in my mouth. At the evangelical church where I came to faith in Christ, the worst gossip I ever heard was “So and so is a really bad parent, no wonder her kids are so badly behaved.” There’s a difference in magnitude between that and this–and I’m especially scandalized that a leader, whom I’ve talked to but don’t know well, would say such things to a newcomer. There’s something to be said for putting your best foot forward.
 
Deacon Jeff, are you seriously telling me that if I, a newcomer to your parish, reported to you that a lay leader in your parish was viciously calumniating your wife who is dying of cancer, you would tell me to mind my own business?

I don’t want to be a member of a parish where scandalous behavior like that from lay leadership is tolerated by ordained leadership.
 
Your opportunity was during this discussion to say, “Excuse me, I’m really uncomfortable with this conversation.”

By tattling after the fact you are perpetuating the rumour/gossiping culture. At this point the best you could do is pull the person aside and talk to them about why you were uncomfortable.
 
When they say something like vicious gossip or “stupid rosary”, simply tell them you are not comfortable with that sort of talk and believe it’s unkind and un-Christian, then change the subject or walk away. And do pray for them.

I would not complain about it unless they keep bringing it up with you, in which case I would mention it to the pastor as creating a toxic emvironment. It’s highly likely he is already well aware of this person’s issues and they are permitted to continue in their role because they have other positive or helpful qualities or he feels it is benefiting them in some way. Some people involved in church work have very poor senses of self-esteem and it manifests in this sort of criticism of others and general attitude. I’m sure a lot of Pharisees were the same way.

The important thing to remember is God loves this person even if He hates their actions, so you try to love and work with them as well while making clear you do not agree with or want to be part of their bad acts.
 
As for the person at your parish, Tis_Bearself’s advice is excellent. I’d stay away from the toxic person if I were you, and pray for them. One way I keep away from the drama at church is to work on ministries that are more under the radar. Less drama, less exposure.
 
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WOW that a tuffie

I WOULD discuss this PRIVATELY[ make appointment if necessary] with your Pastor. He OUGHT to know.

Be as Brief and charitable as you have been in this post; but also SPECIFIC, and name ANY witnesses. Do so ASAP …This IS a SERIOUS matter.

Welcome HOME and thanks for seeking opportunities to be of further service

God Bless you,
Patrick.
 
PJM’s advice to seek the advice of the pastor is definitely a good idea.

Also, we can take the initiative to have an opportunity to evangelize. Defend those that aren’t present. Defend yourself and defend Jesus and remark that a conversation seems to be heading toward detraction and we are to avoid the occasions of sin.

Another idea would be to take that person aside. Even if they have a role of authority, all the more important that they demonstrate the charity of a loving catholic. Take him aside personally and just ask that he not talk bad about others, especially in a church activity setting.

Could take another with you if he brushes you off. Just a suggestion, probably won’t be too effective, but you could at least show him that you care about him, your church, and the people that are in your parish that make up the church.

I would suggest not to avoid. We are called to love our enemies. We are called to share love, even to the ones we don’t want to show love for. Of course, we aren’t going to lovey-dovey an enemy, but love in the sense that we are to will and act for the good of the other. Will and act for the good of the other … not gossiping would be good. Not calling liturgical prayers “stupid” would be good. Smiling and being friendly to others that he has authority over would be good. Lots of stuff would be good that could help the gentleman.

A common cliche we hear is that “you love Jesus as much as you love your worst enemy”. Good to have you in the Faith. As the people make up the church, there are lots and lots of different kinds of people. Many good, a few a bit misguided, but all one in the body of Christ. To finish up with a final cliche, don’t leave Peter because of Judas.

Prayers are with you. It’s kinda cool participating in your parish activities. This is my first year as a catechist (got 6th grade) and being involved, just participating, is fulfilling and joyful. I’m sure you’ll experience the same joy of participation as you work for Christ.
 
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