What would you do??????

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Robaynne

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I am in such a situation at the moment. And it is tearing me to pieces. I am sure most of you guys have read my threads. About how my husband left me for a younger women after been together for 12 years and having two kids and now we are going through the divorce process. All this happened last year this time. And it has really taken me a long time to get over it. And finally I am 101% better.

I have been wanting to post this thread for a long time now. I have prayed about it for so long now. Anyway I have this friend she and I live next door to each other. And she has supported and been there for me during this tough time. Anyway about 3 months ago I found out that her husband is having an affair but it was by accident at first I thought that his friend was in the relationship with this young girl. Anyway I confronted him and told him that he must put an end to the relationship as he is going to hurt his wife. And I do not want her to suffer. Anyway about two weeks ago she came to tell me that she found out about her husband and this young girl. And she was hurt but I felt her pain as I had already been through this before. I did everything in my power to protect her as I did not want her to suffer the pain that I did. She is not working and is totally and completely reliant on her husband. He apologised to her and told her that he wants to work on the marriage.

She has been wanting to confront this girl and beat her up. And she wants me and another friend to go there with her. First of all if she beats up this girl there will be charges laid against her and also she will find out things that she does not want to know. And I wanted to prevent her from going through that because I know how it feels. I also confronted my ex girlfriend and I beat her up and still he left it made no difference doing that. I felt like an idiot because I made a fool of myself. And what satisfaction would she have gotten. I wanted to prevent her from seing this girl as she is very young, slim and trim and everything that this friend is not. She is over 40yrs and is not slim and trim. And she would be reminded of this for the rest of her life. And also I did not want to be the cause of the breakup of their marriage. There are kids involved and I did not want them to suffer.

But guess what I am the bad one. She found out that I knew about it and that I am a back stabber. I was her friend and why did I not tell her and I was laughing behind her back about this whole situation. And the more I say to her that this was not my fault I wanted to protect her the more she bad mouths me. And is drinking and going on with me on the phone. And I was preventing her from going to this girls house because I knew everything. And I was making her a fool. What kind of a friend am I. The things she said to me were unforgivable. I was trying to protect a friend and I am the one that gets a kick in the face and blamed.

Was I wrong not to tell her, was I wrong to not want another women to suffer the way I did. My marriage is over he made the choice he choose the teenager. Her husband choose to be with her and still she wants to dick and found out things. I wish I did not know the things I did. There was a point where I relived my own situation and it nearly destroyed me. She does not care about herself or the kids. She does not care if she goes to jail for beating up this girl. Her life is over as she says. What about those kids who will take care of them. The father works all the time so those kids will be on their own all the time.
 
Robaynne,
You’ve already been through so much and your wounds have not healed. Let this go, distance yourself from her and try to put it aside. You did what you thought was best at the time and it has backfired but you are not to blame. You have a clear conscience. This woman is hurting and suffering and is lashing out at anyone. It is easier to blame other people than the one who REALLY is to blame, namely her husband. But that hurts too much to reaslise that the one who is supposed to love you has done such a thing. I suggest that you write her a letter explaining everything, telling her clearly that you did what you thought was right and that you had no intention of deceiving her or adding to her pain, in fact you were trying to spare her the pain that YOU have been through and that she needs to look towards her future and trying to forgive her husband, NOT beating up the other woman. THAT would just make her look stupid.
Write her an honest letter, then distance yourself from her unless she needs your friendship and support, as you said she gave you. Tell her you will be there for her, but not as her ‘whipping boy’.
You need some peace and happiness in your life, for the sake of your children…
And please, please, pleeeaaasee remember… it has NOTHING to do with how young, attractive or slim a woman is that makes a man have an affair… if a man had substance, that *would not *matter.
THOSE women will put on weight and grow old too, just like all of us!
God Bless you Robaynne.
 
Thanx Jules.

I have decided to just stayaway from her. I had such a terrible night she got drunk and was swearing at me as we live next door to each other.

She is now blaming me for everything.

But thanx but pray for me please I need it right now.
 
Praying for you.
You will get through this. I have been there and survived and have a nice life now.
Wanting to beat up the other woman is one’s first reaction. But in the first place, mature people don’t beat up others, that’s just adolescent. It’s not how adults handle problems.
In the second place, if it wasn’t this woman, it’d be another one. It’s the husband’s fault, his choice, and generally not the woman’s. Most of the time the guy has told her that he’s single, or on the verge of divorce, or another story.

If your friend shows up sober and you get a chance to talk, I hope you’ll be able to support one another. She should be able to understand that you were just trying to spare her. But stay away from people when they’re drinking.
 
Robaynne said:
Thanx Jules.
I have decided to just stayaway from her. I had such a terrible night she got drunk and was swearing at me as we live next door to each other.
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I will pray for you Robaynne,
I just don’t get these people that seem to blame EVERYONE else but the person who DID this to them?
If it were me, I would trust that my friend did what she did with the best intentions but I would be furious at my husband!!
He’s the one who promised me fidelity, not my friend!!
Like I said, she is lashing out. She is hurting and directing it at you when it should be at her husband.
I guess HE’S feeling relieved at the moment, when she’s directing it at you, HE’S being spared the wrath!
God bless you
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In answer to the question that is title of OP and in light of your story and your other posts regarding your personal situation (you know you are in our prayers, I hope), what would I do? I would start basing my actions on the cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, temperance and fortitude not to mention logic and my best interests, rather than on emotion, passions, and heightened awareness of my personal grievances. If that requires professional help I would seek it. I would certainly refrain from offering advice to friends facing similar challenges until I demonstrated the maturity and wisdom to handle my own life.

I would also recall, in trying to deal with a damaged friendship, that when someone lashes out to me in anger, very often it is because they know they themselves are at fault in all or in part, and are using me as a punching bag.

I shudder to think what my visceral reaction would be if I had to deal with such betrayal, but I am sure my first instinct would not be very Christian.
 
But guess what I am the bad one. She found out that I knew about it and that I am a back stabber. I was her friend and why did I not tell her and I was laughing behind her back about this whole situation. And the more I say to her that this was not my fault I wanted to protect her the more she bad mouths me. And is drinking and going on with me on the phone. And I was preventing her from going to this girls house because I knew everything. And I was making her a fool. What kind of a friend am I. The things she said to me were unforgivable. I was trying to protect a friend and I am the one that gets a kick in the face and blamed.

Was I wrong not to tell her, was I wrong to not want another women to suffer the way I did. My marriage is over he made the choice he choose the teenager. Her husband choose to be with her and still she wants to dick and found out things. I wish I did not know the things I did. There was a point where I relived my own situation and it nearly destroyed me. She does not care about herself or the kids. She does not care if she goes to jail for beating up this girl. Her life is over as she says. What about those kids who will take care of them. The father works all the time so those kids will be on their own all the time.
Adding my prayers to the others promised here.

You were placed in an impossible situation, especially with someone who can’t or won’t see that her husband is the real primary culprit–if you had told her right away, I suspect you still would have been the object of her anger. I’m no psychologist, but after fifty-some years of living with other humans, I think that would be the reaction. In any event, the best thing you can do now is pray for both of them, as well as the “other woman”–they are all in need of special grace now. Also pray for their marriage, keeping in mind that no matter what happens, YOU cannot possibly be the cause, even in a tiny way, of a breakup or divorce.

Please excuse my judgmental tone here, as we all know none of us is qualified to judge others, but it sure appears to me that he needs to truly repent and she needs to forgive, and we should all pray they receive the grace to do these things. And pray for the “other woman”, too. Sure, your friend’s husband has committed the worst possible sin against his wife, short of a violent crime, but it takes two to commit adultery.

And it also seems to me a good idea to at least write your letter, even if you don’t end up sending it. Write it carefully and honestly, as you noted, then read it over to yourself a few times and pray for guidance on whether to deliver it now, or later, or at all. You are closest to the situation and have to be the final decision maker, but with lots of prayer and reflection you will make the right decision. Then go back to relying on our Blessed Lord to support you.

Above all, I would ask you to stop beating yourself up over this. You have acted with charity and compassion, as He would want you to do. Get out your Bible and read Matthew 5:11-12; I think this applies to you right now.

Pax vobiscum.
 
Robaynne, I know that you have suffered so much already with your husband and now this. I don’t know what I would do, but to distance myself from this woman. I agree with Jules that she is hurting and looking for someone to blame.

I will pray for you and this woman next door. She needs much conversion and help in her problems also, but she shouldn’t blame you.
 
Thanx guys you have been great.

I have decided to keep my distance. She has alot of anger in her and she needs to deal with it. This is not the first time that he has done this to her he has done it before. I said to her that she needs to start taking care of herself and finding a job. The things she said to me Monday night was unbelievable. And she was banging on the wall saying that I am not a women, I am just a cheap dirty B#tch, that is why my husband left me because I am not a women. A women would tell another women. I just kept quiet and never even responded. I went inside and prayed.

It was not my place to say anything I was not prepared to be the cause of a breakup of a marriage. And I was not even sure that he was cheating on his wife. She even said that she is comforting me and supporting me and I am stabbing her in the back and laughing at her. How can I do that when all I ever wanted to do was protect her from getting hurt and going through what I went through. She has really hurt me and I cannot see myself been friends with her ever again.

I have enough on my plate I do not still need to deal with this. I have left things in God’s hands. I will pray for her and her family during this tough time but I am going to keep my distance. The guy is muslim and she is not. Her husband is working out of town for the past couple of days and I called him and told him that he needs to sort things out with his wife and that I am not prepared to be the punching bag for anybody. And why am I been blamed for things that I do not know. And how dare she swear at me and belittle me in front of my kids. He apologised but also does not know what to do with her. I said to him that is not my problem that is his and he needs to sort things out.

I have done so much for this women and I get a kick in my face. How many times has she come to borrow money to buy food, when her son broke his arm I took him on my medical aid to the hospital. I know it is not right to talk about the things you do for people but she will not do the same for me. When she took money from me I would never ask for it back and if I took money from her she would remind me about it.

For now things are very quiet she stays in her house and we do not see each other and there is no need for her to speak to each again. I am just so hurt and angry about this whole situation but the amazing part is that she is 10 years older than me I am 32 and she is about 42 yrs old and she is acting in a child instead of an adult. But I seem to be her main target. But she has no friends or family around and now she will be all alone with nobody as she has burnt her bridges with her friends.
 
Update. Things are happening and she is finding out things that she cannot handle. When I said to her just let it go and do not dig for things or try and find out things because you are going to get hurt. She did not want to listen she said she wants to know. And then what all it is now doing is making things worse. She is going to get more hurt. Now that she has nobody to talk to because she burnt her bridges with me she is now confiding in the Nanny who looks after my kids.

I really feel sorry for her but I have decided that it is not my problem anymore. I have lost to much sleep over this. It really brought back old feelings that I had put behind me. I will pray for her and her family during this tough time but am just going to keep my distance. I have to much issues on my plate to be worrying about other peoples problem. She does not want to listen or to change then she must live with the consequences of her actions.

I really feel for her but the time has come whereby I need to be selfish and put myself first. I am every ready to be there for other people but I cannot do it anymore. It is to stressful and it drains you. And I have chosen a different path in my life and I need to concentrate on that.
 
Robaynne said:
t. Now that she has nobody to talk to because she burnt her bridges with me she is now confiding in the Nanny who looks after my kids.

I really feel sorry for her but I have decided that it is not my problem anymore. I.
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it is your problem if she and the nanny are talking about you behind your back. I would advise the nanny to stop that now or she is out.
 
puzzleannie said:
it is your problem if she and the nanny are talking about you behind your back. I would advise the nanny to stop that now or she is out.
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No she is not discussing me with the Nanny she is needing a friend now because she has nobody to tell her problems to. And I told the Nanny not to entertain her because it is going to create a problem. And she agreed. The Nanny is not a young women and she is very matured she is more a granny to the kids than anything else. And she comes back and tells me everything. So my ex friend will be very careful what she discusses with her.
 
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