What would you do?

[reborn_pagan]

Hi everybody, Reborn_Pagan here…and This is a question for the parents.

Say you have a 14-17 year old daughter who has had a boyfriend for afew years, but then you find out that he is a Pagan,Heathen, what ever you want to call it.

what would you do?

 

[puzzleannie]

my 14 yr old would not have a boyfriend of 3 years standing since she would be several years away from exclusive dating. If you mean I find out my teenager has pagan, wiccan or other friends, I would first continue doing my job, making sure she is solid in her Catholic faith, and ask her to discuss questions that arise about her friend’s beliefs and practices, and research the answers together.

 

[1ke]

Hi everybody, Reborn_Pagan here…and This is a question for the parents.

Say you have a 14-17 year old daughter who has had a boyfriend for afew years, but then you find out that he is a Pagan,Heathen, what ever you want to call it.

what would you do?

It would not take me a few years to determine the religion of any person my child was interested in, let alone “dating” (which they would not be doing at that age BTW).

And, I have a 100% consistent position on this: people should not date outside of their religion. They should not marry outside of their religion. Period. This would not be news to anyone who knows me, especially my own family.

If you are a “pagan”, then you need to find someone who shares those values and beliefs. A Catholic is obliged to marry another practicing Catholic and raise their children in the Catholic faith.

 

[lcalise]

Seriously? You folks won’t even let your kids date when they’re sophomores in high school (16)? I’d strongly caution you against that because you’re playing that dangerous gamble where you might be sending an oversheltered child out into the adult world with no idea how to manage freedom.

Anyhoo, since I’m not too far removed from that age group and have a sibling in that category, here’s my two cents. 1) Make sure she understands the values that she should never sacrifice for a guy (sexual purity, belief in Jesus, etc) 2) See where she thinks the relationship is going. If they’re just ‘dating’, then don’t try to hard to assert any objections you have. That could just push her into clinging more to him as a form of ‘rebellion.’ In that situation, subtle is better. If she’s thinking more in the long term, don’t chastize or belittle her-- again, that could lead to the rebellious response. Rather, go through the litany of questions that would shake her, since most people that age don’t think beyond “Oh, he makes me happy. We’re so in love!” 3) See if there’s a reason she’s gravitating toward someone so polar from her own faith tradition. Is she doubting or has faith lost some of its importance in her life? Basically, try to turn as many things into questions as possible, and state calm rational objections to her answers. It’s much better to have a teen come to a realization on her own, rather than have some mandate from a parent who’s “so unfair.”

 

[Catholic90]

At 17, they would only have been dating for a year, since they can only start once they turn 16. Also, I would know what religion they are from early on if they were truly “exclusive”, since they would be spending a lot of time at our house. Third, since my kids are all extremely involved in their parish and attend a Catholic school, and are friends with similarly involved Catholic kids, it would be highly unlikely at that age that their “significant other” would be a pagan!

If at some later point they would be dating a pagan, knowing my kids, I’m sure they would all be bringing them to mass, subtly teaching the ways of Christianity, and being an example of Christ!

I would strongly discourage a permanent relationship between a Catholic and a non-Christian. Life is too difficult to throw that into the permanent mix.

 

[kage_ar]

Only have a son, not a daughter -

The dating rules in our house have been well known by DS for years. “Group outings” allowed at 15, where parents drop off/pick up. No one-on-one “car” dating til 17.

DS is kind of a freak, he has found that girlfriends take too much time and energy away from his music - so, he has friends but does not do the whole girlfrined thing. He also actually likes us, and we know his friends, he talks to us about them - so the chances of him dating someone for a long time and us not knowing about them is not part of our real life. He has friends from every faith and non-faith background there is.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I wasn’t allowed to date til I was 16. i have no idea what my group date age was, but I was always going out and doing things with my friends from youth group, both male and female.

As for the pagan-Catholic relationship, I would have to say that you, Reborn_Pagan would have to be respectful of her Catholic upbringing and not try to undermine the beliefs and practices of the Catholic Church. She might be tempted, but entering into a relationship requires you to uplift and respect your partner.
It is your job to make sure that she is still attending Mass (and you should attend with her) and that you are not doing anything to tempt her away from the teachings of the Church (ie: pre-marital sex, BCPills, involvement in Paganism/Witchcraft). And don’t try to make comparisons between paganism and Catholicism, it will only hinder both of you and just further confuse you both.

And I would have to say that if you really and truly love her and care about her, you should probably break off the relationship and encourage her to pursue a relationship with a Catholic boy, or you could always go through a good RCIA program and discover the truths of Catholicism yourself (and I emphasize good because some programs are heretical). If you become involved in the program, let the church priest and the instructor know that you are not interested in converting, but just learning. But remember to attend classes with an open heart and to complete everything you are told to complete.

Of course, I am marrying a Baptist boy, but he practices my faith more than his own, so on that one.

 

[puzzleannie]

Seriously? You folks won’t even let your kids date when they’re sophomores in high school (16)?

there is a big difference between a 14 hr old who has already had a boyfriend for 3 yrs (see OP) and a 16 yr old just starting to date.

 

[VR70]

my 14 yr old would not have a boyfriend of 3 years standing since she would be several years away from exclusive dating.

AMEN!

It would not take me a few years to determine the religion of any person my child was interested in, let alone “dating” (which they would not be doing at that age BTW).

And, I have a 100% consistent position on this: people should not date outside of their religion. They should not marry outside of their religion. Period. This would not be news to anyone who knows me, especially my own family.

Again, AMEN! Children should be brought up understanding the reasons why it is so important for them to find a Catholic mate. Not as a “do as I say” thing, but the real reasons, and how difficult life is for mixed marriages.

At 17, they would only have been dating for a year, since they can only start once they turn 16. Also, I would know what religion they are from early on if they were truly “exclusive”, since they would be spending a lot of time at our house.

This is so important for so many reasons. It sounds so old-fashioned, but traditional courting is highly under-rated. As soon as a relationship seems serious, no matter what the age, this should be the time for the “couple” to be spending a lot of time with family, not on their own. This is how families blend and happily add new members. So often I hear of families who barely can stand to be in the same room together for the major holidays. These are families that were blended with no imput or help from everyone involved.

Good luck and God bless!

Trish

 

[PatienceAndLove]

This is so important for so many reasons. It sounds so old-fashioned, but traditional courting is highly under-rated. As soon as a relationship seems serious, no matter what the age, this should be the time for the “couple” to be spending a lot of time with family, not on their own. This is how families blend and happily add new members. So often I hear of families who barely can stand to be in the same room together for the major holidays. These are families that were blended with no imput or help from everyone involved.

Here are some good books regarding courtship (not something my FH and I followed, but sometimes I wish we had sigh):

Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World: A Guide for Catholics
I Kissed Dating Goodbye
The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband
The ABCs of Choosing a Good Wife

 

[BlestOne]

hmmm let’s see…
By the first date I have met the person my kids are dating because that’s the rules.

At that first meeting, I make sure I find out what their faith is, and let them know that my child has faith values that will not be compromised.

My 20 yo is dating a Catholic girl of 18, I know her name, her mom’s name and her brother’s name. I have met all of them… spent quite a bit of time talking to her mom before they ever went out, he has been dating her for 2 weeks now and he doesn’t live at home… Does that tell you how I keep an eye on things?

My 17 yo son is not dating anyone. He likes a Catholic girl. I know she is Catholic, she goes to a Catholic HS, and she is a junior and likes the drama dept. My oldest thinks she is a nice girl and so does my youngest.

My youngest is 15 yo daughter. She has never been on a date yet. Not because I won’t let her, but because she hasn’t found a boy that is good enough to introduce to her family. She liked one boy until she found out some things that she didn’t like… he implied that he was at a party my oldest had at his home… which was ridiculous because he is 14. My daughter no longer likes him because he lied about that to make himself look “cool”

So far, peer pressure has worked in my family. My kids monitor each other (not that I don’t… in addition to) because they care about each other. Both my 2 younger ones told their brother that his last gf was never gonna last because she was too liberal!!! I laughed my butt off!!! They seriously advised him to wear a GW Bush tee on a date so she would break up with him!!!

 

[leonie]

That’s a hard one. It’s harder to get out of a pickle like that than to start younger in their formation.

I’m all ready telling my 10, 12, and 13 year olds that when they are old enough to go on one on one dates (which is 18 for us), they should only date devout Catholics.

I don’t see any point in serious dating until you are prepared to get married.

Once in the situation, I think you’d have to be very very careful. You should have many, many conversations with both of them doing a lot of listening. I would insist on a lot of supervision and chaperoning because I’m not sure a pagan would respect the chastity morality of Catholicism.

But, why do you ask? Are you in this type of situation?

I could see that as a parent, there might be a tendency to want to protect your daughter by removing her from the relationship.

 

[BlestOne]

I forgot to mention…

If anyone ever asked out one of my kids and told them that they were pagan… My kids would never agree to go out with them. I know this because after 13 yrs of marriage, my ex decided he was a pagan high priest and left. My kids still hate what he did to us… no child support, no visits after 2 years… they blame him not being Christian or Catholic for his behavior.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I I know this because after 13 yrs of marriage, my ex decided he was a pagan high priest and left. My kids still hate what he did to us… no child support, no visits after 2 years… they blame him not being Christian or Catholic for his behavior.

That is a hard road to deal with, both for him and for you.
All y’all are in my prayers!

 

[LSK]

Seriously? You folks won’t even let your kids date when they’re sophomores in high school (16)? I’d strongly caution you against that because you’re playing that dangerous gamble where you might be sending an oversheltered child out into the adult world with no idea how to manage freedom.

Anyhoo, since I’m not too far removed from that age group and have a sibling in that category, here’s my two cents. 1) Make sure she understands the values that she should never sacrifice for a guy (sexual purity, belief in Jesus, etc) 2) See where she thinks the relationship is going. If they’re just ‘dating’, then don’t try to hard to assert any objections you have. That could just push her into clinging more to him as a form of ‘rebellion.’ In that situation, subtle is better. If she’s thinking more in the long term, don’t chastize or belittle her-- again, that could lead to the rebellious response. Rather, go through the litany of questions that would shake her, since most people that age don’t think beyond “Oh, he makes me happy. We’re so in love!” 3) See if there’s a reason she’s gravitating toward someone so polar from her own faith tradition. Is she doubting or has faith lost some of its importance in her life? Basically, try to turn as many things into questions as possible, and state calm rational objections to her answers. It’s much better to have a teen come to a realization on her own, rather than have some mandate from a parent who’s “so unfair.”

sorry - but this is not very sound logic. Anyone who thinks not allowing a child of 16 to be dating exclusively is sending out an overprotected child into the world does not know of all the alternatives to exclusive dating available to parents who want to send a strong Catholic out into the world.

We have someone in our family who decided they are now a 'Catholic Buddist" (whatever that is) and all the children are being taught to treat them with respect but to not be afraid to proclaim the Truth. The 18 year old recently told the person, “I believe in Truth…but Truth does not depend upon my belief to exist”.

Now that’s a Catholic kid!

 

[sanctamaria17]

If I had kids, they would not be allowed to start dating exclusively till they were 16 years old, so any 14-17 year olds I would have would not have a boyfriend or girlfriend of three years.

I would have talks with my kids about the importance of marriage, about how dating should be a period of examination, of whether this person could be a good future husband or wife, and of whether God is calling you to that person. I’d tell them to be friends with whomever they wanted to but to be careful about dating someone who is not a Christian.

I myself have made the decision to only date other Christians. However, I don’t date only Catholics, as I’d rather date a Protestant who cares about Jesus than a Catholic who doesn’t, and I find that I am learning a lot about myself and my faith in my relationship.

 

[reborn_pagan]

That’s a hard one. It’s harder to get out of a pickle like that than to start younger in their formation.

I’m all ready telling my 10, 12, and 13 year olds that when they are old enough to go on one on one dates (which is 18 for us), they should only date devout Catholics.

I don’t see any point in serious dating until you are prepared to get married.

Once in the situation, I think you’d have to be very very careful. You should have many, many conversations with both of them doing a lot of listening. I would insist on a lot of supervision and chaperoning because I’m not sure a pagan would respect the chastity morality of Catholicism.

But, why do you ask? Are you in this type of situation?

I could see that as a parent, there might be a tendency to want to protect your daughter by removing her from the relationship.

Yes I am in the situation, my girlfirend’s family is very Catholic. and We’ve been dating for a year and 5 months ( go us ).

and I’m just curious on what others would do

 

[duskyjewel]

Seriously? You folks won’t even let your kids date when they’re sophomores in high school (16)? I’d strongly caution you against that because you’re playing that dangerous gamble where you might be sending an oversheltered child out into the adult world with no idea how to manage freedom.

This is the stupid argument people use for allowing their children to have inappropriate freedoms for their age, and that teenagers use to persuade their parents to give them inappropriate freedoms.

My kids don’t need to know how to “manage” freedom they shouldn’t have had in order to date successfully.

I agree with PPs who say my child would not have been going out with someone for years before I found out what their religion is. That would be one of the first questions I would ask.

My oldest is 9, and we have already talked about some of this stuff, because she has friends (in the 4th grade…God help me!) who are already being boyfriend-girlfriend with each other, and being sad over breakups. She overheard a friend of hers the other day wondering to another friend whether she should “dump” her current boyfriend. sigh I have told her that these kids have no business doing any of this stuff for several more years. And that if she is asked by a boy to be their girlfriend that she is not allowed. Getting into this stuff leads to early exposure to situations they are not ready to handle and a cheapening of the whole concept of dating. I have told my daughter that the point of dating is to look for someone to marry and build a life with, and that no one who is not of an age to begin considering marriage has any business dating. My husband and I are not of the mind that a person has to be 25 or 30 in order to make a good marriage, so we think 16 or 17 is a good age to BEGIN dating.

Of course our kids might have feelings, crushes, and “special friends” before that point, but they will know that there will be no official sanction of any kind of exclusive dating relationships until well into high school.

And, to answer the OP’s question, if I found out my daughter was dating a pagan, I would strongly urge her to end the relationship. If she remains the faithful Catholic she is today, it would only bring pointless hardship and pain into her life to try to build a life with someone who will not agree with her on any of the most important things in life. She could end up with religious war in her household at the worst, or spiritual emptiness for her children and loneliness in her faith. Our RE director gave us some statistics on church attendance after children are grown up: when both parents went to Mass, it was well over 80%, when only Dad went to Mass, it was about 50%, but when only Mom went to Mass, it dropped to something like 33%. Why would she want that if she is serious about her faith?

 

[ElizabethAnne]

I myself have made the decision to only date other Christians. However, I don’t date only Catholics, as I’d rather date a Protestant who cares about Jesus than a Catholic who doesn’t, and I find that I am learning a lot about myself and my faith in my relationship.

Hello sanctamaria,

I don’t think the choice of dating should be between a Catholic who doesn’t practice his/her faith and a non-Catholic Christian who does. You are comparing a bad example in the Church with a good example in another church.

IMO, dating a strong, faithful Catholic is always preferred for a strong, faithful Catholic. I am very grateful to God for my husband who shares my faith in its entirety. The fact that we agree on so very much about the most important part of our lives is unifying and will help us to raise our children when we have them. I can’t imagine trying to raise children Catholic without the support of a spouse who is strong in the faith! God bless all those who do!

 

[kage_ar]

Yes I am in the situation, my girlfirend’s family is very Catholic. and We’ve been dating for a year and 5 months ( go us ).

and I’m just curious on what others would do

If you have been dating a young woman for over a year without her parent’s knowledge, it is time to do the mature thing. Be honest with her parents, apologize for sneaking around behind their backs. Show that you are an honest young man who respects both daughter and parents.