What's my responsibility here?

[leonie]

My formally estranged sister had been re establishing contact with me. This has been a great delight for me.

In December of 07, my parents evicted my BIL from the home in my sister and her family had been living in rent free. They told my sister that she could stay with the kids, but he had to go. I won’t go into the details, but it was completely justified. He’s lucky that they didn’t prosecute him.

My sister blamed my parents. In a way, my parents asked for this because they had been enabling her for entire life, rescuing her from her mistakes. But, in their defense, they were worried about first my now 21 year old nephew and then the two new children from her 2nd marriage. They couldn’t stand to see them homeless…So, over the last year they were supporting them, they gradually cut off paying for things such as groceries, medical bills, utility bills, living expenses, but they did continue to pay their truck payment and allow them to live rent free in my parent’s second home. As the support was withdrawn, my BIL engaged in more and more horrible behavior towards my parents. And, my sister, a very passive person, just tried to ignore the whole situation.

That’s the background.

So, my sister calls me today and tells me that my 21 year old nephew is suicidal. She wants me to call my parents who have been desperately trying to for the last five years to help him get his life together to warn them that they need to find a new psychiatrist for him. My mom is paying for his mental health care, but he is not being compliant. My sister says she can’t call parents directly because of how terrible they have been to her…

If you talked to your son and he said he was going to kill himself, wouldn’t you beg or borrow a car or take a bus and go to him?

I could tell she was very worried about him and wanted me to intervene. But, I don’t know what to do.

I did call my poor mom who is desperately worried about him. But, my nephew is angry at my mom because she keeps telling him to take his medication, to go to his appointments, to do the things that people do daily to cope with life. He says she is nagging him.

My mom is very gentle, not a nag at all.

Both my parents have emptied their retirement accounts to support my sister, nephew and my alcoholic brother. I know they are enablers, but they are also very sweet, generous people who aren’t trying to control their wayward children, but can’t stand to think of them as being homeless…

Do I tell my sister she has to take care of her son? Do I refuse to be the go-between? I do think my parents are doing as much as they can do for my nephew.

I don’t think I can be the person to help my nephew. For one, I wouldn’t do anything differently from what my parents are doing–certainly, I have no influence with him. And, the demands of my own family and pregnancy really limit my capability to help.

I’ve spent so much of my life worrying and praying for my sister and my nephew. I’m just wore out. The way my BIL treated my parents (and elderly grandmother) and the way my sister allowed it really sapped my patience…

And, my heart breaks for my nephew, but how do you help someone whom just keeps messing up over and over and won’t take any responsibility for his life?

And, btw, the conversation ended badly with me pretty much hanging up on her after she said some bad things about my parents. I was afraid that I would I say something terrible to her…

 

[leonie]

no need to comment. I feel better after praying with my home church community.

I’ll be taking this matter to God in prayer this week.

I’d appreciate prayers for:

my parents
my nephew
my sister and husband.

Thanks.

 

[Trishie]

Dear Leonie.
No you can’t fix them, these people who are your family.
Your sister was trying to get you to do what she can’t regarding your nephew, but only he can save himself, with God’s help.

Unfortunately if parents enable and shield and fix everything while their children are growing they do create co-dependency. You can’t be your sister’s or your nephew’s co-dependent. Your sister naturally expects it and hopes for it of you, because your parents have been caught on the rail of supporting her and your brother in the impossible situations they made of their lives, and it’s the pattern of your sister’s life. It’s so hard to get this parenting thing right. I’m still trying, but any sleepless hours at night are over my precious sons, who are making their ways…yet if I could fix the difficult things, I would. I can’t, so I just love them and pray for them, and help in little ways when possible! I’d help all I could financially…but I simply don’t have money, so can’t anyway. I think I’d have been over-protective if I’d had the means…

Co-dependency doesn’t promote gratitude. It causes the "enabled’ person to feel 'entitled. That’s what you’re up against with your sister and why she’s blaming your parents instead of being grateful for all their support.

You are blessed that you escaped this tendency, and that you refuse to succumb to it. To your sister, love is disordered, it’s—“You do what I want to hep me or it means you don’t love me, so I reject you.” Your sister never took responsibility for her life, so how could she teach her son to take responsibility for his.

I’ll join you in praying for your sister, brother, nephew, and brother-in-law who sadly are stuck in being ‘victims’. I’ll pray for your parents who must be hurting very badly over their daughter, son, and grandson. Your brother that he will overcome alcoholism.
And you, that your choice for a wholesome life and a healthy spirit, and maturity, will allow you and your family to live in happiness and peace.

 

[Cathhsmom]

Leonie,

I, too, will pray for you and your family. I have a pretty messed up family, too. So, I know what you mean. Have you ever tried Al-Anon? It really helped me to realize that I can’t control other people and what they do. It took the pressure off. It is okay to say, “No”.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,other people, places, and things,
The courage to change the things I can change,me, myself, and I,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I learned this version of the prayer from Al-Anon and it helped me to remember what I can and can’t do.

 

[limerick]

I agree with Cathh(name removed by moderator): When there are dervishes outside your tent, Al Anon will tell you to “let 'em whirl”. Sounds like the young man needs to fall and actually hit the ground. Too many hands are out there protecting him when God’s arms are the only ones that need to catch him.

Good luck; let us know how it goes.

limerick

 

[petitfleur]

I am sorry for your situation… you are doing the right things.
Sometimes doing the right thing doesnt feel good though.
Just remember God loves your sister and her kids more than we can even imagine. I pray that they will find God in thier lives and learn about His forgiveness and love.

 

[leonie]

Thank you so much for your prayers and loving comments. I just opened up the thread today because I was scared I’d get some condemnation for not being more proactive.

I’m going to write my sister a letter today to hopefully repair the abrupt way I ended the phone call.

And, I have decided that I will find a special way to fast and pray for my nephew. He was born when I was 17 and lived at home with us until he was six when he moved next door. My older brother and I were very involved with him until we married and moved away. I still had him over quite a bit until I had my first baby. My parents always have had him close by, so we all love him very much.

There’s a strong possibility that my sister was on drugs when she was pregnant with him.

Plus, she has a reading disability. The biological dad had a learning disability. And, both the parents seem to have had tendencies towards emotional/mental disorders. So, on top of my sister’s not so great parenting, he has had so many strikes against him.

I look at my husband’s nephew of the same age. He is a brilliant pharmacy student who is very involved in his church and is doing so well. He has a stable, two parent home and lots of natural virtues and talents.

It makes me mad with God sometimes…but, I know God sees things I can’t see. He has a plan for my hephew. I just wish I could make him well and thriving…