What's okay when married people are separated?

[TruthSeeker87]

So here’s my marriage problem. My husband is in the Army and currently deployed. He’s been gone for about 4 months and won’t be home for another 8 months with one short visit sometime in the spring. He wants me to write steamy emails or send pictures or record dirty messages for him while he’s gone. I’m not exactly comfortable with this. I don’t want to break the rules of the Church and neither does he, but miss each other in all ways possible.

Since we’re both in our mid 20’s I realize sex is a big thing for him, but I’m alone with 3 kids to take care of, so it really isn’t something I’m thinking about most of the time. I think he has more time on his hands then myself to dwell on this issue. So anyway, when married people are apart like this what’s okay?

 

[BamaRider]

So here’s my marriage problem. My husband is in the Army and currently deployed. He’s been gone for about 4 months and won’t be home for another 8 months with one short visit sometime in the spring. He wants me to write steamy emails or send pictures or record dirty messages for him while he’s gone. I’m not exactly comfortable with this. I don’t want to break the rules of the Church and neither does he, but miss each other in all ways possible.

Since we’re both in our mid 20’s I realize sex is a big thing for him, but I’m alone with 3 kids to take care of, so it really isn’t something I’m thinking about most of the time. I think he has more time on his hands then myself to dwell on this issue. So anyway, when married people are apart like this what’s okay?

Hmmmmmm. I dunno, cause it might lead him to take things into his own “hands” and he ain’t suppose to be doing that.

 

[whatevergirl]

Kind of what I was thinking. Good way of putting it, without just blurting it out!

 

[KCtheMommy]

It’s not a good thing to go too far with this. I’m a Navy wife and I can tell you first hand that taking things too far end up with some really bad side effects. Including self-esteem issues with the wife, feelings of objectification and lack of real worth.

The most we do is make veiled little jokes about missing sex (and that’s normal) but we don’t go there. We did in the past and it really blew up in our faces. Learn from my mistake please!

 

[kevinsgirl]

I agree with Bama…

What about sending him romantic pictures but not outright “dirty” pictures, if you know what I mean. I think there’s nothing wrong with having him look forward to coming home to his wife or admiring the beauty of his wife.

 

[shannyk]

If you get in the car, turn it on, and rev it up, you’re going to want to go somewhere.

It’s a bad idea. Could be an occasion for sin and an opportunity for your DH (and you) to get into a habit he can’t stop, not to mention what KC said

It’s not a good thing to go too far with this. I’m a Navy wife and I can tell you first hand that taking things too far end up with some really bad side effects. Including self-esteem issues with the wife, feelings of objectification and lack of real worth.

My advice, don’t go there.

 

[jwashu]

Ok… maybe I’m naive but my personal life experiences from reality in talking with numerous people (from a Religious and non Religious counseling perspective) is that being the military away from your wife for 12 months and not “taking matters into your own hand” from time to time is highly unlikely to the point of absurdity…

From the teaching standpoint of the Church though I hope I’m wrong.

My thoughts on this matter though would be the romantic suggestion. Pictures of you guys together, how much you miss him etc… If he chooses to take it farther than that then you will be the one on his mind. No reason or need to encourage it IMHO.

Joe

 

[shannyk]

Ok… maybe I’m naive but my personal life experiences from reality in talking with numerous people (from a Religious and non Religious counseling perspective) is that being the military away from your wife for 12 months and not “taking matters into your own hand” from time to time is highly unlikely to the point of absurdity…

From the teaching standpoint of the Church though I hope I’m wrong.

My thoughts on this matter though would be the romantic suggestion. Pictures of you guys together, how much you miss him etc… If he chooses to take it farther than that then you will be the one on his mind. No reason or need to encourage it IMHO.

Joe

True.

BUT

Why hasten it or have wife be party to it. And, why make her feel like a used towel to boot.

In short, if he is going to do that let it be because he chose to, not because she enticed him to. I can’t imagine either one of them would feel very good about it, especially when coming face to face again when he’s home and they are trying to rekindle…not a good premise for that.

I think KC said it best.

 

[TruthSeeker87]

Thanks for the answers everyone. You all confirmed what I was afraid of, so I’ll talk to my husband and hopefully he’ll understand.

 

[baltobetsy]

In addition to the moral considerations, there’s the very practical possibility that these pictures could come back to haunt you years in the future. How would you like your kids to find them? You know that nothing in electronic media ever really disappears.

Betsy

 

[basilisk]

Well, in the past when my husband was gone on military orders, we would sometimes get into steamy phone or online chats. Honestly, if someone managed to save a record of that, and tried to use it to damage me in later life, my response would be, yeah, so what, I was talking to MY HUSBAND!

Now, pictures, no way would I ever EVER transmit them electronically. I might have some pix taken in pretty lingerie or something, to remind him what he’s coming home to but I would send only hard copies. And thankfully, with home digital cameras and good printers, your pix NEVER have to be seen by a third party ever. If my kids ever managed to find them, well, I would probably give them the same response I had to give my ten year old the other night when she accidentally overheard a suggestive comment I made to DH. “Your parents like each other… get over it!” Truly, I was embarrassed, though. I saw the look she was giving me, and told my DH I would never have said what I said had I known she was sitting where she was. BTW, my DH and his brother have seen fairly suggestive pictures of their mother taken by their father, and they don’t seem damaged by it. The parents never meant for them to see the pix, but well, you dig through the wrong box…

But then, I am not sufficiently serious about sexuality… you can see that from my posts about contraception and about how I think masturbation, if it is a sin, is usually a venial one. So if you wish to disregard my heretical opinions, I completely understand.

 

[BlestOne]

I just want to point something out if you didn’t already know… please don’t have really explicit conversations with dh if you are using military phone lines… trust me, I was an operator during Desert Storm… we were ordered to screen calls for security breeches and boy did I get an earful!

 

[jwashu]

True.

BUT

Why hasten it or have wife be party to it. And, why make her feel like a used towel to boot.

In short, if he is going to do that let it be because he chose to, not because she enticed him to. I can’t imagine either one of them would feel very good about it, especially when coming face to face again when he’s home and they are trying to rekindle…not a good premise for that.

I think KC said it best.

Right I think we are in agreement, my wording was bad. I meant stick with romantic pictures and things that will make him miss her and think of her, no reason for the other stuff to encourage what will probably happen anyway. If it does let him deal with that himself rather than bringing her into it.

 

[basilisk]

Why hasten it or have wife be party to it. And, why make her feel like a used towel to boot.

Why do some of you insist on seeing things in SUCH negative terms?

My DH admitted that he succumbed to that particular vice a few times while we were apart. He is not the type of guy who usually does… he prefers the real thing to a pale substitute.

I certainly didn’t feel like a used towel! He said it happened when he was missing me and feeling sad the most. That made me feel like I am something he has a hard time living without.

Honestly, it’s not required to see things in such stark terms. If he masturbates, no, it’s not the ideal. But why does it have to be apocalyptic? I mean, if it’s a sin, it’s his sin. It relates to his wife, but doesn’t involve her. She is thousands of miles away. Why does she have to feel anything except compassion for her husband?

 

[KCtheMommy]

Why do some of you insist on seeing things in SUCH negative terms?

My DH admitted that he succumbed to that particular vice a few times while we were apart. He is not the type of guy who usually does… he prefers the real thing to a pale substitute.

I certainly didn’t feel like a used towel! He said it happened when he was missing me and feeling sad the most. That made me feel like I am something he has a hard time living without.

Honestly, it’s not required to see things in such stark terms. If he masturbates, no, it’s not the ideal. But why does it have to be apocalyptic? I mean, if it’s a sin, it’s his sin. It relates to his wife, but doesn’t involve her. She is thousands of miles away. Why does she have to feel anything except compassion for her husband?

You are misunderstanding. It’s not about the masturbation of the husband, it’s about the feelings of worthlessness and objectification that a woman goes through when she has done something below her moral decency level – with evidence. It DOES affect women. The strongest women in the world can feel really bad when faced with a regret.

This is why a lot of porn stars have to be treated for depression and/or attempt suicide.

If you take slightly sexy/suggestive pics those are fine. But nudity or things below your moral code – it doesn’t just end there. Yes, it does make some women feel like a used towel.

 

[3Sanctus]

Keep anything you send to your husband as non-sexual as possible. There’s nothing wrong with sending him sentimental or romantic things of any sort, but definitely take the advice of the people on this thread saying you shouldn’t send him anything “dirty.” Knowing how most of the Christian ladies I know are, you’ll almost certainly regret it at least somewhat at some point down the road. Plus, it’s hard enough being a guy with sexual self-control in the modern world without getting “help” from someone you care about.

Praying for all families temporarily seperated by service to mankind.
Stephen