What's the point now?

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HardtoHear

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Since I’ve discovered that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to my OCD, I’ve really just questioned my sincerity in everything I’ve ever done. Is it all the mental illness?

If I can’t have a stable relationship with anyone on earth, how can I have one with God?

Nothing makes sense to me anymore, and I really feel that everything I’ve ever prayed for was in vain. My emotions are not real, they are in vain. Nothing I do means anything because God knows it isn’t the real me.

And, if I’m BPD and OCD, the real me is an even more ghastly figure, right?

I always lamented not having anyone in my life, but now I see that it is because of me. I have intolerable standards and am too sensitive. At root being BDP is being selfish. Even when I do stuff for others, I realize now that I’m most likely doing it for myself.

I’m in deep trouble.
 
You can have a relationship with God, however up or down it is. Just be yourself, whatever that happens to be on any particular day. God understands even if nobody in the world did.

Your not ghastly, but you’re certainly shocked and shaken.

If any of us examines our motives we are likely to find some selfishness.
Not just people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
However did you self- diagnose? That can be deceptive, even if we think we recognize all the signs. There is probably very little doubt that your self-criticism is at a very high level.

I wrote this prayer at one time, several years ago, and I’m not BPD and OCD.
Yet maybe you see yourself in it?

Curtains of imperfection

Our God, it seems that all within me is a maze of curtains against the pure light of Your love. Those curtains, drawn aside, reveal drapes of faults in the dimness. These drapes too, when parted, allow illumination of other veils that were obscured in the darkness…

…And thus again, until wisps of curtained uncharity and unbelief are glimpsed everywhere within, only brushed aside temporarily in moments of grace to allow Your light to penetrate the deepest recesses of my being.

I discover that nowhere in my life is uncurtained to the light of Your pure love and truth. Even where I hope to find goodness is found veils of subtle sinfulness.

Finally, rejecting the despair of Judas I turn to You with repentant Peter, in sadness mingled with trust. I humbly ask that You will bless my continuing struggle and prayer in the white fire of divine love that blazes sin to nothing and purifies the soul.

I ask pardon of You whom I do not yet truly love, and forgiveness of anyone whom I fail to love. Merciful Lord please give recompense to others and Yourself for my sins and faults, and grant all that Your perfect love can give.

As for selfishness, I found it could be a teacher in my life! It can be in yours (Love others as you love yourself). Yes you do need to love yourself more but you can’t see that as possible right now, and you’re just basically calling your needs “selfishness”.

Selfishness, as a measure of giving

My selfishness and personal consciousness gives me a great gift. With its desires and attachments, it teaches me how much caring and blessing that* I* desire and therefore, helps me to better understand others’ human needs.

I (selfishly?) desire all good for myself, I desire kind acts and forgiveness, I desire to be loved,
so therefore, from my own (selfish?) needs, I learn, where I can, to give kindness and respect to other human beings who share or who pass by my life.

But you don’t have to feel good deeds in order for them to be worthwhile. You just have to do it even if you feel nothing. It’s our choices and deeds that matter most to God.
 
I self-diagnosed myself, but I’m very good at this sort of thing. I diagnosed myself with OCD 5 years before I was officially diagnosed, and after the events of last Friday when I realized people think I’m an oversensitive pariah, I’ve researched it. I don’t meet all the criteria, but do meet the majority.

With BPD it may be impossible for me to see God at work in my life because, as in the physical world, BPD people have certain nutty criteria they look for and if they are disappointed they tend to just devalue what they liked.

I always knew this, and, coupled with my uncertainty b/c of my OCD, have always asked God for a real sign.

I do think I came across my diagnosis with the help of God. And I have to decide now how to proceed.
Trishie said:
You can have a relationship with God, however up or down it is. Just be yourself, whatever that happens to be on any particular day. God understands even if nobody in the world did.

Your not ghastly, but you’re certainly shocked and shaken.

If any of us examines our motives we are likely to find some selfishness.
Not just people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
However did you self- diagnose? That can be deceptive, even if we think we recognize all the signs. There is probably very little doubt that your self-criticism is at a very high level.

I wrote this prayer at one time, several years ago, and I’m not BPD and OCD.
Yet maybe you see yourself in it?

Curtains of imperfection

Our God, it seems that all within me is a maze of curtains against the pure light of Your love. Those curtains, drawn aside, reveal drapes of faults in the dimness. These drapes too, when parted, allow illumination of other veils that were obscured in the darkness…

…And thus again, until wisps of curtained uncharity and unbelief are glimpsed everywhere within, only brushed aside temporarily in moments of grace to allow Your light to penetrate the deepest recesses of my being.

I discover that nowhere in my life is uncurtained to the light of Your pure love and truth. Even where I hope to find goodness is found veils of subtle sinfulness.

Finally, rejecting the despair of Judas I turn to You with repentant Peter, in sadness mingled with trust. I humbly ask that You will bless my continuing struggle and prayer in the white fire of divine love that blazes sin to nothing and purifies the soul.

I ask pardon of You whom I do not yet truly love, and forgiveness of anyone whom I fail to love. Merciful Lord please give recompense to others and Yourself for my sins and faults, and grant all that Your perfect love can give.
Click to expand...
 
May God guide and bless you!

Confidence in God’s merciful love

Our God, we praise and thank You who loves each person into existence. I thank You for loving us, loving me.

Our God, You command that I forgive and rightly cherish myself.
Yet, like many people in human history, I often find it difficult to sincerely and consistently love the ‘self’ that I find mirrored in my consciousness. I know that You can bring me to appreciate the miracle and privilege of my existence!

How can I refuse to love what God loves! You treasure me, as You love and treasure each unique, human person that You create. Yet I need much grace to love this betrayer of my true being and purpose, myself! I betray Your loving creation of me by failing to be fully ‘the person I am created to be’ , and by failing in gratitude for the gift of myself.

You love each person so much that it led to the incarnation of Your divine Son, and to His redemption of humankind. Jesus is Your response to my betrayal of my destiny and me. Yet frequently I am unconvinced or indifferent before these astounding gifts of divine love for me and for every person!

Please give me grace to value each person, and my own life, as Your beloved and eternal gift. Inspire me with faith and gratitude for the gift of myself, for the lives of dear ones and of all people. Grant that these human gifts are shaped by Your love to become everlasting gifts to You, and through You, eternal gifts to each other person.

Through Jesus, You taught us that cheerful, loving mutual service of others leads to fulfillment of Your creative will. Therefore, give me grace to faithfully say ‘yes’ to Your loving purpose by active respect and charity to others and me.

Delight Yourself in me by forming me into the unselfish, joyful, helpful and prayerful person You dreamed me to be for You and for the sake of others’ souls for time and eternity. 1999
 
‘Love others…as yourself’

Jesus when You command us to love others as ourselves, You require something more challenging than simply to “love others.” The embedded touchstone in that command is “love your self.” Help us therefore not to be uncharitable to ourselves.

Many people lack proper self-esteem, making it difficult for them to genuinely value others. However, Scripture exhorts, “value yourself at your proper worth. Who can justify a man who runs himself down, or respect a man who despises himself.” [Ecclesiasticus 10:28-29]

If we do fail to love ourselves correctly, we cannot accept God’s love. Let us never imagine ourselves hidden from Your mercy: ‘“Can anyone hide in a dark corner without my seeing him?’ asks the Lord.” [Jeremiah 23-24]

The concept of rightly loving oneself in order to love others as God’s precious children may be confused with the selfishness that ruins unselfish self-love. It requires us to reject negative self-talk and responses. “If a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be good?” [Ecclesiasticus 14:3].

Growth in Christian self-love is facilitated by “filling your mind with everything that is true, everything that is noble, and everything that is pure and good” [Philippians 4:8] and serving “in works of love.” It is allowing the Spirit to direct your life and then “you will be in no danger of yielding to self-indulgence. What the Spirit brings is…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.” [Galatians 5:13, 16, 26, 22-23]

Jesus, help us to fittingly love ourselves. You do not wish us to disparage ourselves but to see ourselves as loved, forgiven children of God. A poor self-image may compare to our perception of ‘clouds’. To observers, clouds appear to be impressive, substantial and tangible. However, within themselves the clouds seem damp, insubstantial and misty.

Jesus, let us not belittle ourselves in comparison to others because of our personal uncertainties and inadequacies. Let us live in sincere acceptance of self, that unique gift of Your creative love. help us to see ourselves as loved children of God. Jesus, help me to know that You really love me so that I can love You and love others truly.
Our value is in You alone.
 
Trishie said:
You can have a relationship with God, however up or down it is. Just be yourself, whatever that happens to be on any particular day. God understands even if nobody in the world did…
Click to expand...
Great response.
Ultimately, it is the one relationship that really, matters since it is the one that lasts forever.
 
Hello.

Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Please remember, if it helps you to, that you are much more than a diagnosis and that nothing is impossible with God.

Praying that you will find the help and hope you need from both mental health professionals as well as the practice of your faith.

Here’s a prayer for the road:
Prayer of Saint Benedict of Nursia

O Lord, I place myself in your hands and dedicate myself to you. I pledge myself to do your will in all things: To love the Lord God with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength. Not to kill. Not to steal. Not to covet. Not to bear false witness. To honor all persons. Not to do to another what I would not wish done to myself. To chastise the body. Not to seek after pleasures. To love fasting. To relieve the poor. To clothe the naked. To visit the sick. To bury the dead. To help in trouble. To console the sorrowing. To hold myself aloof from worldly ways. To prefer nothing to the love of Christ. Not to give way to anger. Not to foster a desire for revenge. Not to entertain deceit in the heart. Not to make a false peace. Not to forsake charity. Not to swear, lest I swear falsely. To speak the truth with heart and tongue. Not to return evil for evil. To do no injury: yea, even to bear patiently any injury done to me. To love my enemies. Not to curse those who curse me, but rather to bless them. To bear persecution for justice’ sake. Not to be proud. Not to be given to intoxicating drink. Not to be an over-eater. Not to be lazy. Not to be slothful. Not to be a murmurer. Not to be a detractor. To put my trust in God. To refer the good I see in myself to God. To refer any evil in myself to myself. To fear the Day of Judgment. To be in dread of hell. To desire eternal life with spiritual longing. To keep death before my eyes daily. To keep constant watch over my actions. To remember that God sees me everywhere. To call upon Christ for defense against evil thoughts that arises in my heart. To guard my tongue against wicked speech. To avoid much speaking. To avoid idle talk. To read only what is good to read. To look at only what is good to see. To pray often. To ask forgiveness daily for my sins, and to seek ways to amend my life. To obey my superiors in all things rightful. Not to desire to be thought holy, but to seek holiness. To fulfill the commandments of God by good works. To love chastity. To hate no one. Not to be jealous or envious of anyone. Not to love strife. Not to love pride. To honor the aged. To pray for my enemies. To make peace after a quarrel, before the setting of the sun. Never to despair of your mercy, O God of Mercy. Amen.
Click to expand...
And a shortie:

Jesus I trust in You.
 
HardtoHear said:
Since I’ve discovered that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to my OCD, I’ve really just questioned my sincerity in everything I’ve ever done. Is it all the mental illness?

If I can’t have a stable relationship with anyone on earth, how can I have one with God?

Nothing makes sense to me anymore, and I really feel that everything I’ve ever prayed for was in vain. My emotions are not real, they are in vain. Nothing I do means anything because God knows it isn’t the real me.

And, if I’m BPD and OCD, the real me is an even more ghastly figure, right?

I always lamented not having anyone in my life, but now I see that it is because of me. I have intolerable standards and am too sensitive. At root being BDP is being selfish. Even when I do stuff for others, I realize now that I’m most likely doing it for myself.

I’m in deep trouble.
Click to expand...
Praying to St. Dymphna for your health & recovery.
 
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit

Eternal Father, we thank you for the crosses that we bear because we know that each one is an opportunity to grow closer to you. Lord we ask for your help and healing and that you bless Hardtohear with the gifts and fruits of your Holy Spirit. Lord, shine upon our sibling with your love and peace, endurance and patience, wisdom and discernment, faith and hope. Grant we beseech you Lord, all the graces necessary for Hardtohear to bear these crosses and bring glory to your name.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit

Dearest Hardtohear,

You are a child of God. Beautiful and precious.

May God shine upon you, our Lord Jesus Christ forgive all your sins, the Holy Spirit guide you, all the Saints pray for you and all the Angels protect you.
 
Prayer to St. Dymphna

Lord, our God, you graciously chose St. Dymphna as patroness of those afflicted with mental and nervous disorders. She is thus an inspiration and a symbol of charity to the thousands who ask her intercession.

Please grant, Lord, through the prayers of this pure youthful martyr, relief and consolation to all suffering such trials epecially HardtoHear.

We beg you, Lord, to hear the prayers of St. Dymphna. Grant all those for whom we pray patience in their sufferings and resignation to your divine will. Please fill them with hope, and grant them the relief and cure they so much desire.

We ask this through Christ our Lord who suffered agony in the garden. Amen.

:signofcross:
 
Litany to St. Dymphna

Lord have mercy on us.
Christ have mercy on us.
Lord have mercy on us.
Christ hear us.
Christ graciously hear us.
God the Father of Heaven, have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the World, have mercy on us.
God the Holy Ghost, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, One God, have mercy on us.
Holy Mary, Virgin Mother of God, pray for us.
Health of the sick, pray for us.
Comforter of the Afflicted, pray for us.
Our Lady, Help of Christians, pray for us.
St. Dymphna, Virgin and Martyr, pray for us.

St. Dymphna, daughter of royal parents, child of great beauty of soul and body, docile to the lessons of your pious mother, obedient to your saintly confessor, who abandoned the court of your father to escape the danger of impurity, who chose a life of poverty on earth so that you might lay up treasures in Heaven, who sought consolation at Holy Mass, Communion and prayer, ardent lover of the Divine Bridegroom, devoted to the Mother of God, beheaded by your own father, martyr of holy purity, brilliant example of Christian youth, renowned for many miracles, glory of Ireland and Belgium, full of compassion for those in need, protectress against all nervous and mental disorders, and Spiritual afflictions, consoler of the afflicted, friend of the helpless, comforter of the despondent, light of those in mental and spiritual darkness, patroness of those who suffer with nervous and mental diseases, and Spiritual afflictions, pray for us.

That we may love the lord our God with all our hearts and above all things, that we may hate sin and avoid all occasion of sin, that we may carefully preserve the virtue of purity to our state, that we may receive the sacraments frequently, that we may obtain the spirit of prayer that we may be humble and obedient resigning ourselves to God’s holy will, that we may learn to have confidence in God during our afflictions, that we may obtain the grace of final perseverance, in moments of temptation, in times of sickness, disease, war, and persecution, in our last illness, and at the hour of our death.

Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world, spare us O Lord
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us O Lord.
Lamb of God, Who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.

Pray for us Saint Dymphna, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ

Let us Pray:

O God, since you gave St. Dymphna to your Church as a model of all virtues, especially holy purity, and willed that she should seal her faith with her innocent blood and perform numerous miracles, grant that we who honor her as patroness of those afflicted with mental illness, emotional problems, and Spiritual afflictions, may continue to enjoy her powerful intercession and protection and attain eternal life. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

:signofcross:
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Trust in the love of Our Blessed Lord to guide you.
Try to look outside of yourself. We are all introspective when lonely and/or depressed.
Talk to your Doctor about how you are feeling. Self diagnosis can be dicey!
Is there someone to whom you can offer help and comfort. It could be a Godsend to another frightened, lonely soul - and will certainly help you to put your own worries in perspective.
God be with you always.
 
I’ve been like this since I was born. I’ve always been very emotional, very sensitive. I know I have borderlline personality disorder, primarily because of the way I act in relationships. It is textbook.

Why does God want to hear from a crazy person? That’s just pity. I mean, people always tell me to look for the ways God talks to you. I can’t see it. And I can’t see it because I’m crazy. My prayers are insincere because I’m crazy. God can’t help me because I am not normal enough to appreciate how He works, or my craziness refuses to accept it.

I am not denying any help from God…but all I’m going to try to do now is just try and find some sort of menial job, isolate myself, and ride everything out. I am the salt that lost its flavor, I don’t think I’m good for anything else.
 
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