When a family member leaves the Church

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DiZent

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My husband’s family was solidly Catholic when we met, but recently several have begun attending protestant churches. Mostly because of divorce & remarriage without annulment - they are quiet about it at family gatherings - doesn’t feel like the right time or the place to confront. One sister in law has left because of recovered memories of abuse. There were “red flags” with the recovered memories - she encountered them after consulting a Reiki practitioner for pain; however there is corroborating evidence and though the priest is deceased, the archdiocese has disclosed that the accusations were credible & settled with the victims. She needed God in her life & a place to worship that she did not associate with the abuse, so I understand why she left. At Thanksgiving, she went on & on about her new church & upcoming Christmas Cantata, saying things like “Catholics never do this, but we do”. It felt like she was making negative comparisons. I responded that “yes we do - at Midnight Mass” - but she knows this - as she was a parish music director. I just don’t know how to respond. She has invited us to the Christmas Cantata at her UCC church. My husband says we should go. Are there any good resources for being present with those who have suffered abuse? I don’t want to shy away from her, but I don’t like the negative comparisons. Is there a prayer I can say silently whenever it happen?
 
Cantata is an Italian word, is the UCC presence so large in Italy that the music they use became universally known?

Many ex-fillintheblanks find the need to justify their actions by reinforcing like this over and over. Acknowledge that her being abused was evil. Acknowledge that the bishops did not do enough/the right thing in those days. Ok, does that mean the UCC is the place to go? No. One would think if they value Catholicism and it’s teachings, and is unable to go there for moral and spiritual reasons - they would at least look toward the Orthodox.

The UCC might have stellar preaching, gay support and all that - not sacraments though.
 
Tell her that you’re sure the Cantata is wonderful.
In the absence of the Holy Eucharist, of course.
Honestly, people want to “get something out of Mass” but they seldom put any effort INTO THE MASS.
If they only truly understood…she might have loved the liturgy more.

Pray for her. Worship is not a warm and fuzzy thing.
 
DiZent said:
My husband’s family was solidly Catholic when we met, but recently several have begun attending protestant churches. Mostly because of divorce & remarriage without annulment - they are quiet about it at family gatherings - doesn’t feel like the right time or the place to confront. One sister in law has left because of recovered memories of abuse. There were “red flags” with the recovered memories - she encountered them after consulting a Reiki practitioner for pain; however there is corroborating evidence and though the priest is deceased, the archdiocese has disclosed that the accusations were credible & settled with the victims. She needed God in her life & a place to worship that she did not associate with the abuse, so I understand why she left. At Thanksgiving, she went on & on about her new church & upcoming Christmas Cantata, saying things like “Catholics never do this, but we do”. It felt like she was making negative comparisons. I responded that “yes we do - at Midnight Mass” - but she knows this - as she was a parish music director. I just don’t know how to respond. She has invited us to the Christmas Cantata at her UCC church. My husband says we should go. Are there any good resources for being present with those who have suffered abuse? I don’t want to shy away from her, but I don’t like the negative comparisons. Is there a prayer I can say silently whenever it happen?
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Why would you want to confront them at all? I mean it’s their faith and their faith journey. Plus confrontation is more likely to illicit the opposite response of from what you’re hoping for.
 
Padres1969 said:
Why would you want to confront them at all? I mean it’s their faith and their faith journey. Plus confrontation is more likely to illicit the opposite response of from what you’re hoping for.
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I would not confront. I can only share why I came back & why I have stayed.
 
When I was first in Ireland. my neighbour, a cousin of my landlady, would come to me distressed because her grown up son had stopped going to mass and wanted to leave home ( this by the way was deep rural Ireland). Her son would come to me complaining that his mother did not want him to move away from home and he wanted to… ( he was by theway over 30…)

Chatted with both…

Finally he was leaving to work overseas with his brother and his mother had accepted it… I had said to her that if she let him go and gladly he would come back…

What really rejoiced her and me was that the night before he left he came to see me and said he was back at mass “because of what we have talked about and how you live” ( I was even then a hermit) No great theology; he had stopped mass because of the way people would go and go up for communion, then stand on the steps gossiping and saying nasty things about others…

I had joked with him, that why was he "excommunicating " himself because of what others had done… why stay away when he had done no wrong etc…

The irony was that I was not even formally Catholic then… But had been welcomed at mass and for communion… and I have been abused, but not sexually, in many churches …
If you let folk fly free they will feel able to come back … not arguing, not opposing… ad many go through times of not being in a church for many many reasons… Love them, accept their needs, support them and pray for them mightily …

God loves them and He knows their condition and needs,
 
Rosebud77 said:
When I was first in Ireland. my neighbour, a cousin of my landlady, would come to me distressed because her grown up son had stopped going to mass and wanted to leave home ( this by the way was deep rural Ireland). Her son would come to me complaining that his mother did not want him to move away from home and he wanted to… ( he was by theway over 30…)

Chatted with both…

Finally he was leaving to work overseas with his brother and his mother had accepted it… I had said to her that if she let him go and gladly he would come back…

What really rejoiced her and me was that the night before he left he came to see me and said he was back at mass “because of what we have talked about and how you live” ( I was even then a hermit) No great theology; he had stopped mass because of the way people would go and go up for communion, then stand on the steps gossiping and saying nasty things about others…

I had joked with him, that why was he "excommunicating " himself because of what others had done… why stay away when he had done no wrong etc…

The irony was that I was not even formally Catholic then… But had been welcomed at mass and for communion… and I have been abused, but not sexually, in many churches …
If you let folk fly free they will feel able to come back … not arguing, not opposing… ad many go through times of not being in a church for many many reasons… Love them, accept their needs, support them and pray for them mightily …

God loves them and He knows their condition and needs,
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I don’t understand what you mean by you were not even formally Catholic but welcomed for communion. Do you mean you were welcome to attend Mass and for fellowship within the community? Or by communion do you mean you were welcome to receive the Eucharist?
 
katy said:
Most of my kids have left the Church. From my experience what you have said is about all you can do. Sad
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My family has been quite a mix for generations. My grandparents were faithful Catholics. But as adults some of their children (my aunts and uncles and my parents) practiced and others did not. On my maternal side, 3 did and 4 did not. On my paternal side, most did not. My sister and her husband raised their children in Catholic schools. Their sons were altar boys. Now one of them attends a Protestant church. My other sister and I do not practice. And the youngest generation has seen more leaving the practice of the Catholic faith. Over half of my sister’s grandchildren have left. Everyone still is family however and we just manage to remain so without much religious acrimony. What Padres said about confrontation is pretty much the way we go about faith matters. Now on other matters, we can have confrontation like most any family however. 🙂
 
Sy_Noe said:
I don’t understand what you mean by you were not even formally Catholic but welcomed for communion. Do you mean you were welcome to attend Mass and for fellowship within the community? Or by communion do you mean you were welcome to receive the Eucharist?
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The latter yes. Always. Each priest welcomed and invited me.
 
Children abandoning the practice of the Faith when they move to institutions of Tertiary Education is sadly a very common occurrence. It is painful for parents to see that happen.

It is difficult to predict which one of the children will keep his Faith and which one will loose it. I have seen children who were studious in their faith during school years turn their back to the church once they move to Tertiary education; and vice-versa.

My suggestion is to offer specific prayers for each child. A rosary or a chaplet of liberation for each child regularly. And continue praying for those who are faithful and for those who lost faith.
Thanks
Credodomine
 
A leaving and a time away is not unhealthy and nor is it written in stone, It can be and often is a rich time of questioning and discovery.

As with the man I wrote of.

He questioned, and came back in a different and more meaningful way .
 
DiZent said:
My husband’s family was solidly Catholic when we met, but recently several have begun attending protestant churches. Mostly because of divorce & remarriage without annulment - they are quiet about it at family gatherings - doesn’t feel like the right time or the place to confront. One sister in law has left because of recovered memories of abuse. There were “red flags” with the recovered memories - she encountered them after consulting a Reiki practitioner for pain; however there is corroborating evidence and though the priest is deceased, the archdiocese has disclosed that the accusations were credible & settled with the victims. She needed God in her life & a place to worship that she did not associate with the abuse, so I understand why she left. At Thanksgiving, she went on & on about her new church & upcoming Christmas Cantata, saying things like “Catholics never do this, but we do”. It felt like she was making negative comparisons. I responded that “yes we do - at Midnight Mass” - but she knows this - as she was a parish music director. I just don’t know how to respond. She has invited us to the Christmas Cantata at her UCC church. My husband says we should go. Are there any good resources for being present with those who have suffered abuse? I don’t want to shy away from her, but I don’t like the negative comparisons. Is there a prayer I can say silently whenever it happen?
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DiZent: Many families think that just because their children were baptized, received other sacraments, that they were converted to Christianity, Catholicism, That is not necessarily the case. True, they may have been exposed and indoctrinated with the truths of the faith, but this does not guaranty their conversion. It’s like putting a battery (Sacraments) in a car but not hooking up the starter wires. The starter wires are another term for Jesus Christ. If the person has not had a personal encounter with Jesus, the Holy Spirit is not released in the life of the person. It is Jesus Christ who gives the Holy Spirit . The encounter with Jesus brings about conversion so that all that the person was taught about Christianity(Catholicism) is then fully accepted. In the Church we have people that never had this encounter and not converted. Jesus Christ is the answer, there is no other.
 
Pokes in head

Hey, ex-Catholic here (or as Catholics would say, I’m a lapsed-Catholic since I’m technically still Catholic in the church’s view). I bet my dad suffers from the same kind of issue as you are.

My father tells me that he always prays for me. I tell him to keep doing it. I mean, if Catholicism is the truth, then I must be wrong and I hope his prayers will eventually work. I don’t really think he could do anything else that would change my mind. Being pushy would definitely not work.
 
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