When do we say enough is enough? This is long sorry

[KathleenElsie]

My mother is in a nursing home and has been since last summer. She had a stroke and is now in need of care 24/7. She is well cared for at the home and due to medical needs can not go back to the situation she was in. She could come back to live with us she had lived with us for almost 10 years prior to moving in with her employer/manfriend.

Now for information and a question. Mom was/is living with a man that she knew when I was small (I’m 58y) and the arrangement was that she would take care of him as he is in poor health and can’t drive or do most daily needs w/o help. They were together four almost five years (no marrage or legal commitment). He has some family of his own and the money (the reason mom moved in with him) to pay for good help for them both if he so desired.

We (my husband and I) have had to finally stop visiting due to the situation that has ensued from this situation. Her male friend will not let us talk alone with mom, visit with her or even get information about her medical condition. He is not paying moms bills (the state is selling what little assets she has to do so) yet it seems since moms paperwork is all missing that he has more to say in the situation that we do.

We pray daily for the situation. We do not have the money to hire more lawyers to fight this(he has millions). And I am not willing to argue infront of mom as her health is so bad So the question is:

Should we leave things be and continue to let the nursing home know we will take mom home with us if things fall apart?

 

[Lillith]

Kathleen…I’ll answer your tough question if you answer mine (did I give bad advice)



I would resume visitation, to keep an eye on her. I don’t understand why he won’t let you talk alone or see records…that is suspicious! Maybe pull a drop in, surely he isn’t there all the time…And continue to let the nursing home know that if money runs out, you’ll take her home…

Very odd indeed!
Good luck
Lillith

 

[KathleenElsie]

Lillith:

surely he isn’t there all the time…And continue to let the nursing home know that if money runs out, you’ll take her home…

He is there from 9am till 9pm every day unless has has a Dr appointment. He will not leave the room so any of us can visit with her. Oh my aunt now lives with him and cares for his needs.
The Judge said we can visit alone. There is no reason for us not to be alone with her. And we have tried. But, we would have to bring security to get him out. I had the social worker come with me the other day and it upset my mom. This is not good for my mothers health.

A private duty nurses-aid is in the room all night (paid out of moms money).
So no one thinks this is money we have turned over any and all rights to inhertance to the Area Agency of Ageing in PA for moms care. They have control of the money and estate. Mom and I had a couple of small joint accounts and I had my name removed from them to make it easier to pay the bills. This was the only way I had to protect my moms security.

 

[CarrieMG]

You have a right to talk to your mother in private and you should in case there are things she needs to let you know about this man. The obsession with staying in the room sends up a red flag. He is not her husband. He should respect the right of the family to visit. If you need to, have security escort him out. You could say to him that you would like a few minutes alone with your mother. If he refuses to leave tell him that you do not want to have to have security escort him out, but that you must be allowed some privacy with your mother and you will call security if need be. You will most likely only have to show him that you are serious in this and then future visits will be more comfortable and you will have time with your mother.