When is a person considered grown up?

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TotusTuusForever

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There is an obvious abundance of immaturity in our culture with people living with their parents well into their 30’s. But, I am curious, what would you say makes a person and adult besides having their own place, or being married?
 
Boy, that’s a deeper question than I think you meant when posted! Perhaps when you can support yourself and the decisions you make in both a financial and moral way. It’s a process not a point in life.
 
TotusTuusForever said:
There is an obvious abundance of immaturity in our culture with people living with their parents well into their 30’s.
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Immaturity isn’t the only, or even main, reason some people choose to live with or return to live with parents.
TotusTuusForever said:
But, I am curious, what would you say makes a person and adult besides having their own place, or being married?
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Those things don’t particularly make people an adult. Nor does lack of those things mean someone isn’t an adult.

A person is legally an adult at 18 in the US and most of the western world. Adulthood is somewhat subjective based on culture.

In general, in the US most people would consider those over 18 to be adults and those 22 and over to be independent.
 
That’s going to have a lot of both personal and cultural context there. It’s actually a bit of a historic and cultural anomaly the way our culture expects that people will move out in their early to mid 20’s. There are many cultures where adults living with parents is considered quite normal.

One example I’ve found that gets people thinking is how you’d define adulthood in someone who was physically disabled in such a way that they require a caretaker and may not be able to support themselves. It’s pretty immediately apparent that it would be unreasonable to decide that such a person isn’t really an adult simply due to their inability to achieve the expected independence markers.

I suspect what’s really going on is we’ve gotten this idea in the west that failure to be independent is a result of a failure of personal responsibility. Personal responsibility is a sign of maturity, but many other factors can also influence whether and when someone reaches independence of the sort modern america expects. But I doubt one could ever come up with any sort of coherent and overarching definition of when someone is “mature enough” to be considered grown up.
 
I’m sorry it sounded that way. I meant those people who don’t want to leave their parents house when their parents are begging them to leave. If the decision is mutual then of course it has no bearing on their maturity level.
 
DarkLight said:
But I doubt one could ever come up with any sort of coherent and overarching definition of when someone is “mature enough” to be considered grown up.
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I understand this point. There must be some basic understanding of being and adult in our general culture though.
Partly why I ask this question is because I thought I would feel “grown up” by now. I’m nearing 30 and I still feel like I’m getting my life together, even after I have found myself a spouse. It definitely could be emotional baggage from my childhood that makes me feel this way, but is there any time when a person finally feels like they’ve got it together? I see so many areas of my life where I can constantly be improving. Is this normal?
 
TotusTuusForever said:
Partly why I ask this question is because I thought I would feel “grown up” by now. I’m nearing 30 and I still feel like I’m getting my life together, even after I have found myself a spouse. It definitely could be emotional baggage from my childhood that makes me feel this way, but is there any time when a person finally feels like they’ve got it together? I see so many areas of my life where I can constantly be improving. Is this normal?
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This is 100% completely incredibly normal. I’m 31. I feel that way. Most of my friends feel that way. No one really has it all together and usually the only ones who feel like they do are the ones who aren’t mature enough to see their own flaws.
 
TotusTuusForever said:
Partly why I ask this question is because I thought I would feel “grown up” by now. I’m nearing 30 and I still feel like I’m getting my life together, even after I have found myself a spouse.
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Well, I’m much older so my experiences might not be applicable or relevant to your situation. However, I think what you said is not uncommon among any person and just might be a sign of maturity which I equate with being “grown up”. I’m not speaking of being of legal age or different cultures or situations where the process may be accelerated or delayed compared to what some one person considers average or normal, whatever that is.
 
TotusTuusForever said:
There is an obvious abundance of immaturity in our culture with people living with their parents well into their 30’s. But, I am curious, what would you say makes a person and adult besides having their own place, or being married?
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When you live independently from your parents, or are capable of doing so but for some reason have chosen to live with them (because they need care or you are paying off a loan or saving for a down payment on your own place, etc.) and can generally support yourself and any children you have (and a spouse if you’ve chosen to marry someone who is not self-supporting financially), and can also make your own life decisions without needing to ask or depend on Mom or Dad.

I personally always considered a person an adult when they were of legal age to be independent and they were bringing home their own sufficient money to live on/ contribute to the household. That’s just my personal yardstick.
 
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TotusTuusForever said:
I thought I would feel “grown up” by now. I’m nearing 30 and I still feel like I’m getting my life together, even after I have found myself a spouse.
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“Feels” are not the greatest indicator of how things are. I personally was the other way and “felt” grown up and ready to take on the world when I was about 14. Obviously I was in no practical position to do so and I’m also sure I wasn’t nearly as smart and ready to go be independent as I thought I was. But if I had lived in a culture where 14-year-olds could get married or run away to sea, I would have likely been looking to do that. I had an uncle who did run away as a teenager and ride trains as a hobo, all over the country and have a very interesting time (later joining the Merchant Marine for more adventures).

There are many other people who say as you did that they don’t “feel grown up” even at age 30 or 40 or 50 and despite the fact that they are handling various adult responsibilities.
 
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Being financially independent enough to manage the all aspects of your life, but it’s no guarantee you’ll be a grown-up.

Visiting a retired friend this summer, he was quick to show me his new 85k corvette and how he could fit his golf clubs in the trunk. I pretended to be wowed.

Paradoxically, real maturity has little to do with money.
 
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Retsel said:
Visiting a retired friend this summer, he was quick to show me his new 85k corvette and how he could fit his golf clubs in the trunk. I pretended to be wowed.

Real maturity has little to do with money.
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It’s interesting that you see his choices as immature. I just would have seen an old guy having some fun with his money. Of course, if he’d acted like he was better than others because he had an 85K car, then I might have thought he was immature.
 
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I fluctuate from feeling every second of my age, to feeling youngish.

I sometimes still have the same insecurities as I did when I was a teen. :confused:
 
It may be he never had the opportunity, as I did, to buy such items at a younger age. (Owned Corvettes/similar, motorcycles, boats etc.)

Seeing old guys in sport cars etc., makes me think the money could have been put to better use.
 
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Yes, that’s what I was thinking, he always wanted a sports car and never had the money or it was being spent on something else like his family responsibilities. Now that he’s old, he’s just making a dream come true before he dies.

The reality in USA is that if you have 85 grand, then unless you die suddenly, you will end up in some nursing home that will take all your money and unless you die before that money runs out you will be on Medicare like everybody else. You may as well enjoy it while you are still able to do so.
 
Mid 50’s here, I still look around to find out if there is a grown-up who should be making the important decisions. My 99 year old grandmother says the same thing.
 
TotusTuusForever said:
but is there any time when a person finally feels like they’ve got it together?
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I’m 55 and have to say no. The very minute you think you’ve “got it together”, something happens to throw everything into chaos again…especially if you have children. Not that this is a bad thing…It’s just life. Plus “it” encompasses so many aspects of life. Some of “it” may be going along merrily for decades, but then other aspects of “it” may be constantly in upheaval.
 
Even if you don’t have children, loved ones and close people in your life are going to die and that creates special chaos of its own. And the longer you live, the more other people you’re going to be seeing die.
 
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