(when) is it ever acceptable to 'stop' discernment?

[DL82]

Is there ever a point at which you can say ‘no’ to the discernment process, to say it’s come far enough and you know what you are to do with your life, and it doesn’t involve priesthood or religious life?

My attitude up until the present has been that I will always say ‘yes’ to God, as Our Lady did, and if God’s answer is ‘no’, then He has to say no, it has to come from Him through His minister, a vocations director, novice master, or my Spiritual Director.

All the same, the more I go on with discernment, the more the idea of married life seems like a good and realistic prospect, one which will allow me to better serve the Church and to do good in the world. It’s not just that I’d enjoy married life more (though I would), but that it would motivate me better to serve God and others, and would challenge me more to grow, rather than getting stuck in a familiar routine and wasting my time in solitude (I’m not saying time spent in Godly solitude is wasted, I’m saying that I waste my time when I’m on my own, because I’m just not well disposed to serving God in that way, because I have no love for that state of life). My talents and desires seem to point me towards married life, yet I trust that God will always be more generous, so if I give up the opportunity to use those talents and desires, He will give me still better ones.

I know I could still go on discerning. I could still spend more time on this path. I still haven’t felt what it feels like to enter a seminary or novitiate, or to take a temporary vow, and nobody else has said a definite ‘no’ to me yet. I don’t think anyone will give me a definite ‘no’ unless I were to really freak out under their rule and prove myself totally unsuitable. I don’t want to go on and on discerning if it’s only taking up time that I should be spending on what I already know I want to do with my life.

All the same, it feels like if I were to take the skills I have developed, and the ways I’ve grown as a person while I’ve been on this path with priests and religious, and then use those skills and qualities to find myself a wife, it feels like I’d be saying “thanks God, but I’m not going to give this back to you, I’m going to take it for myself”.

Is there ever a time when it’s acceptable to walk away from discernment, to say ‘no’ to the higher vocations without saying ‘no’ to God?

 

[baltobetsy]

God doesn’t call everyone to the “higher vocations,” as you call them, and only if they fail or refuse, call them to marriage. He has a plan for each person, and the true meaning of discernment is finding out what His will is for you. If He is calling you to marriage and parenthood, your following that path is objectively better than pursuing the “higher vocations,” to which you do not have a call.

Being young, single and serious about your faith does not necessarily mean a vocation to priesthood or religious life. It is an excellent foundation for married life as well.

The only thing that matters is God’s will for you. Do you have a spiritual director to help you figure this out? He should be able to help you decide when or if to abandon discernment of a vocation to priesthood or religious life. The right time to abandon one path is when the other becomes clear.

Betsy

 

[CarmeliteGirl25]

It is my feeling that discernment in general never ends. However, it appears that you have found your God given vocation to marriage. Like baltobetsy said, God does not call everyone to the supernatural vocations. (If He did, there would be no more children! ) Marriage is a natural desire and a natural vocation, and is a beautiful one with supernatural aspects. Two people joined in the body of Christ! Achieving sanctity does not require that you are a nun, priest, friar, etc. Look at Bl. Louis and Bl. Zelie Martin! A married couple within the Church who have been beatified. If two people joined in marriage are committed Catholic individuals, they, too, can achieve sanctity. So, don’t feel like you are not going to be able to serve God as well as a religious or priest. I can think of one married couple that I personally know in which both the husband and wife discerned consecrated life but discovered they were called to marriage. They are a beautiful witness to the faith and remind me very much of Mary and Joseph. I’m sure that they will be saints in heaven one day.

 

[DL82]

Thanks to you both.

I still don’t feel like I’ve put my doubts to rest though. The more joy I feel about the thought of married life and faithful service as a lay person, the more it makes me feel joyful about the thought that I have so much to give up in God’s service in religious life.

I am living with the Salesians for 3 months while I’m in London for work (research fieldwork in schools here, normally live in Glasgow). While I’m here I feel I ought to be completely committed to the idea of discerning a vocation to religious life. I know I could do it, and wouldn’t be entirely unhappy about it. I know my Spiritual Director thinks I ought to see it through, and I know there are many people who have suggested I’d make a good priest.

Besides, I’m not sure I have a shot at married life anymore, I’ve already pushed away two women who I loved and had much in common with, one I subconsciously pushed away, the other I consciously chose to break off contact, because I was still intent on pursuing discernment.

Why should I follow my own emotions and ideas over the ideas of others? Often we don’t know what’s best for our own lives, that’s why obedience is so important. Should I wait for someone else to tell me ‘no’ to the religious life before I walk away? It’s not supposed to be easy, after all.

 

[DL82]

I saw this recently, it’s a quote from Bl Cardinal Newman, a meditation for the exaltation of the Holy Cross:
“It is the death of the Eternal Word of God made flesh which is our great lesson how to think and how to speak of this world. His Cross has put its due value upon every thing which we see, upon all fortunes, all advantages, all ranks, all dignities, all pleasures; upon the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. It has set a price upon the excitements, the rivalries, the hopes, the fears, the desires, the efforts, the triumphs of mortal man. . . . It has taught us how to live, how to use this world, what to expect, what to desire, what to hope. It is the tone into which all strains of this world’s music are ultimately to be resolved.”

The idea that we can be taught what we ought to desire is the bit that struck me most. I need to ask, not just ‘what do I want’, but ‘what ought I to want?’ I know what I want, but I just feel like, if God could give me the desire for holy priesthood, I could do so much more.

I don’t like some modern books and guides on discernment which treat it as though it were a psychological question. The true psyche of Christian thought is the anima, the immaterial soul, it’s more than the neurological processes of our brains. If we really care for the health of the soul, we will listen to reason and to Holy Church more than to our feelings and emotions and desires. Likewise, joy comes from the Holy Spirit, not from our emotional reactions, we must show the joy that we know we already have from God if we are living in His commandments, even if we don’t feel it in the emotions of our flesh.

 

[Sister_Rose]

If I were you, I would stay with the Salesians a bit longer. You don’t want to be left with doubts when it’s all said and done.
People telling you that you’d make a good priest is not a good reason to become one. But from what you have written about giving up your talents and solitude I think that you may not have a really good ideal about what priesthood and religious life is. Admittedly, in some orders and for some diocesan priests, there is a lot of solitude, but not for all. And there are many different orders with many different works to use your talents.
I guess I’d just want to make sure that your reasons for being married over being a priest or religious are not just execuses.
There is certainly a point at which to stop discerning our state in life. That would be when you know which one you are called too. But you never completely stop discerning. God calls us to many things in our daily lives. Some involve very small things and some very big things. We always need to be discerning whether a given idea comes from ourselves, the devil or from God.
I think you should listen to your spiritual director and give this a bit more time.