C
Chovy
Guest
Mostly I guess this is just a rambling post to help me sort through some feelings. If you would like to provide advice that’s fine though.
Almost 3 years ago, my husband and I became foster parents to a newborn preemie. Our intent was to adopt, and given the parent’s history, our expectation was that they would lose or relinquish their parental rights. For the first 5 months of the baby’s life, she had about an hour of contact with them once a week. The remainder was spent in our care. Her brother was being fostered by my cousin, who has adopted the children’s older brother.
After those 5 months, the parent’s court case got switched to a new type of court in our state which works to reunify children with their parents when their primary issue is addiction. At seven months, our foster baby and her brother were returned to their birth parents. A lot of that day is vivid in my mind, but one thing that stands out is that I had to write her mom a schedule, as she had never cared for the baby long enough to know when she ate and slept.
We had a lot of concerns at that time. I can’t say that we weren’t being selfish in some respects, as I really wanted to be a mom, especially to this child that I had bonded with. But the majority of our concerns were valid. Without violating the parent’s privacy here, let’s just say that they had a long history of addictive behaviors, domestic violence, and criminal activities. Each parent has several other children who are not in their care due to these issues. They both were sober at the time, and one had a part-time job. They found housing, and things seemed to be going ok for a while.
At the time the kids went back, my cousin opted not to have any ongoing contact with her foster son. Her reasons are sound and mostly relate to her adoptive son and issues surrounding his relationship with all 3 kids’ birthmom.
My husband and I made the other choice. We opened our hearts to the parents and explained how much we cared about our foster baby. We have seen her about every other month and on every holiday and birthday since then until recently when we were able to relocate back to our home town. Now we see both she and her brother every week or more often.
Recently, both birth parents have had some problems. I have seen no evidence of abuse, but have seen a lot of things that concern me. I don’t want to gossip but to briefly summarize, the parents are no longer living as a married couple though they are currently inhabiting a shared residence, and many of the previous issues have re-arisen. Her mom has been calling me a few times a week with emergency situations that warrant us bringing the kids to my mom’s house (we’re still trying to sell our other home) for overnights or even for a few days at a time.
Each time we see the children, it becomes harder for me to live with the pain of parting with them. They cry when we take them back to their mom and beg not to go. Both my husband and I speak very positively about their parents, telling them how much their mommy and daddy love them, and reinforcing every positive thing we can think of about their parents. A few weeks ago, my despair over their situation brought me to my knees (not in front of them), as when we went to return them to their mom she wasn’t there, didn’t answer her phone, wouldn’t respond to text messages, and they just lost it.
I keep sitting here thinking that my cousin made the right choice. That she no longer has this pain. And yet, I look at that baby’s face (she’s now 32 months) and know that I vowed to her and myself to love her forever on the day we brought her home from the hospital. My husband and I are one of the only constants the kids have in their lives, and also one of the only good role models they have. Their day care teachers always tell me that the kids have been asking for us all day long, and the baby’s brother in particular seems to thrive on my husband’s attention.
I guess the question is, am I doing the right thing?
Almost 3 years ago, my husband and I became foster parents to a newborn preemie. Our intent was to adopt, and given the parent’s history, our expectation was that they would lose or relinquish their parental rights. For the first 5 months of the baby’s life, she had about an hour of contact with them once a week. The remainder was spent in our care. Her brother was being fostered by my cousin, who has adopted the children’s older brother.
After those 5 months, the parent’s court case got switched to a new type of court in our state which works to reunify children with their parents when their primary issue is addiction. At seven months, our foster baby and her brother were returned to their birth parents. A lot of that day is vivid in my mind, but one thing that stands out is that I had to write her mom a schedule, as she had never cared for the baby long enough to know when she ate and slept.
We had a lot of concerns at that time. I can’t say that we weren’t being selfish in some respects, as I really wanted to be a mom, especially to this child that I had bonded with. But the majority of our concerns were valid. Without violating the parent’s privacy here, let’s just say that they had a long history of addictive behaviors, domestic violence, and criminal activities. Each parent has several other children who are not in their care due to these issues. They both were sober at the time, and one had a part-time job. They found housing, and things seemed to be going ok for a while.
At the time the kids went back, my cousin opted not to have any ongoing contact with her foster son. Her reasons are sound and mostly relate to her adoptive son and issues surrounding his relationship with all 3 kids’ birthmom.
My husband and I made the other choice. We opened our hearts to the parents and explained how much we cared about our foster baby. We have seen her about every other month and on every holiday and birthday since then until recently when we were able to relocate back to our home town. Now we see both she and her brother every week or more often.
Recently, both birth parents have had some problems. I have seen no evidence of abuse, but have seen a lot of things that concern me. I don’t want to gossip but to briefly summarize, the parents are no longer living as a married couple though they are currently inhabiting a shared residence, and many of the previous issues have re-arisen. Her mom has been calling me a few times a week with emergency situations that warrant us bringing the kids to my mom’s house (we’re still trying to sell our other home) for overnights or even for a few days at a time.
Each time we see the children, it becomes harder for me to live with the pain of parting with them. They cry when we take them back to their mom and beg not to go. Both my husband and I speak very positively about their parents, telling them how much their mommy and daddy love them, and reinforcing every positive thing we can think of about their parents. A few weeks ago, my despair over their situation brought me to my knees (not in front of them), as when we went to return them to their mom she wasn’t there, didn’t answer her phone, wouldn’t respond to text messages, and they just lost it.
I keep sitting here thinking that my cousin made the right choice. That she no longer has this pain. And yet, I look at that baby’s face (she’s now 32 months) and know that I vowed to her and myself to love her forever on the day we brought her home from the hospital. My husband and I are one of the only constants the kids have in their lives, and also one of the only good role models they have. Their day care teachers always tell me that the kids have been asking for us all day long, and the baby’s brother in particular seems to thrive on my husband’s attention.
I guess the question is, am I doing the right thing?
and in many ways I think we are their closest link to God. The little boy has even started saying grace before meals and a nighttime prayer along with the sign of the cross with our guidance.