When should I get married?

[jrabs]

I hate to be the only nay-sayer on this thread. But what does one really know of the other person in 3 months?

I have dated extensively. The first 3 months of dating is still the honeymoon romance phase. I can honestly say that I have had 2 men that I knew I was going to marry the moment I met them.

Guess what? Nope. After a period of time went on and I learned what I needed to learn, it was absolutely not a good choice.

That said, can it happen? Sure. Is it the norm? No.

Also, how often do you see each other? Proximity plays a big role too I think. If it is long distance, that is tougher to get to know someone in 3 months. The true person.

Sounds like you are on a great start…why so impatient though? Marriage is a lifetime and deserves a good b it of patience to discern God’s will.

Sometimes He merely places people in our lives for a reason other than marriage - when us humans are only thinking marriage.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Oh, I thought about one more thing. Some people may disagree with this approach but I found it very helpful for me in my situation. Have you met her family or has she met yours? I always think this is important. You can learn a lot from seeing how she interacts with her family, regardless if she was blessed with a “great” family or a bit of a wacko one. You can also see how you feel around her family. I knew I was going to live close to my inlaws if we married and was so happy when I met them and saw how awesome they were and how much I liked them.
I know I wanted my family to meet my dh because I do believe that sometimes family can see things the person in love cannot. My family fell in love with my dh so that was a good sign for me. My mom is a wise woman, very clear in Catholic teachings, and very well grounded, so her feedback was very valuable for me. You can also see how your gf interacts with your family, since in a normal marriage she will end up interacting with them.
Just thought I would mention this…

 

[unworthy]

Sometimes He merely places people in our lives for a reason other than marriage - when us humans are only thinking marriage.

This is exactly what I have been reflecting on for a while now. You put it very succinctly.

 

[stbruno]

Your first post indicates that the church wants at least six months before marriage so that you are not rushing it.

In actuality, the church requires six months, not because of rushing into a marriage, but the church requires a couple to undergo marriage preparation…not just wedding day rehearsal preparation, but truly marriage preparation. They are very wise in this approach as well, because couples have the opportunity to learn from mentors through Pre-Cana, Discovery Weekends, FOCCUS inventories etc, what marriage not only as a legal contract but as a covenant and sacrament truly is, a marriage that sustains a lifetime and not until you get bored with one another.
Just recently launched is a wonderful new website by the US Catholic Council of Bishops called foryourmarriage.org/
Check it out. Also in our diocese, there is a great website…www.familyministries.org where you can also explore those planning to get married link with great resources and tools as well.
If you are truly in a covenantal relationship, there is no reason to rush…love can wait. Pray on it!

 

[Teakafrog]

There truly is no rush. From one who has BTDT, and regretted it, believe me, there is NO rush. We had a lot of problems early in our marriage that could have been avoided if we had planned better and waited a while to get married.
First, make sure you are financially ready to support a family. Sounds harsh, but many many couples biggest arguments are over money. Save up, get a good steady job, and know that you can support a wife and children. It will ease your stress levels immensely when you finally do get married.
Second, make sure you are in agreement over all the big issues. Sounds like you are, but many people gloss over that part just because they are ‘in love’ and ‘it will all work out’. It doesn’t always. Get it all out in the open ahead of time.
Third, start pre-marital counseling. Many parishes only require one engaged encounter weekend. It is better to do more. Check with your priest, or find someone else in the diocese to work with. Also, talk to the priest now, as many don’t want just 6 mo notice any more, they want from 9 - 12 mo.

 

[master_catholic]

I think it depends on the maturity of the couple involved, their understanding of the sacrament of marriage and all it entails, and many other factors.

I think so too, that’s what I’ve been sensing in our relationship, that we may not need such a wait.

I don’t agree with waiting too long for the sake of waiting.

I’ve felt that way too. While some time should be given to discernment, I don’t want to have to wait 2 whole years!

We started dating/courting and were engaged 7 months later. We got married 6 months after the engagement. We actually only spent less than 90 days in the same zip code as our relationship was long distance, but that was enough. We did talk, a lot. We discussed our expectations, raising children, read all the Catholic Church documents we could get our hands on about marriage, read books by JPII and other reliable Catholics on marriage, and did all we could to make sure we were the ones for each other. I spoke with several good priests on the matter too. Despite the fact that our visits with each other were usually only a couple of days, and that my husband had been living in his home alone for a couple of years, we never had that “rough first year” of adjusting people often talk about. Probably because my husband is so loving and patient with me hehe, definitely made for me.

Our relationship is A LOT LIKE what you described above. She lives 50min drive away from me, and I see her once a week on sundays for the whole day. Likewise we may not have that “rough first year” either

I can’t imagine waiting until now to marry, I think it would have been a terrible idea in our case.

I’m feeling the same, 3 years would just be too long for us, 1-1.5 years sounds perfect.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to start talking with a good orthodox priest when you feel like you are ready for marriage, not necessarily as marriage prep but as guidance to make sure you have covered all bases and are thinking this throughly.

Great Idea

Thankyou for your post

 

[master_catholic]

Oh, I thought about one more thing. Some people may disagree with this approach but I found it very helpful for me in my situation. Have you met her family or has she met yours? I always think this is important. You can learn a lot from seeing how she interacts with her family, regardless if she was blessed with a “great” family or a bit of a wacko one. You can also see how you feel around her family. I knew I was going to live close to my inlaws if we married and was so happy when I met them and saw how awesome they were and how much I liked them.

I interact very well with her family, and she in turn interacts very well with mine, so we’re good there

I know I wanted my family to meet my dh because I do believe that sometimes family can see things the person in love cannot. My family fell in love with my dh so that was a good sign for me. My mom is a wise woman, very clear in Catholic teachings, and very well grounded, so her feedback was very valuable for me. You can also see how your gf interacts with your family, since in a normal marriage she will end up interacting with them.
Just thought I would mention this…

Very good points, thank you

 

[master_catholic]

I hate to be the only nay-sayer on this thread. But what does one really know of the other person in 3 months?

Well as much as I may not like it personally I know I should still hear it

I have dated extensively. The first 3 months of dating is still the honeymoon romance phase. I can honestly say that I have had 2 men that I knew I was going to marry the moment I met them.

Guess what? Nope. After a period of time went on and I learned what I needed to learn, it was absolutely not a good choice.

I’ve dated one girl before my current date, I felt like that too at one point, but she was not meant for me.

That said, can it happen? Sure. Is it the norm? No.

Probably not the norm for most people too, since a lot of people are messed up these days and need more time to discern properly.

Also, how often do you see each other? Proximity plays a big role too I think. If it is long distance, that is tougher to get to know someone in 3 months. The true person.

We see each other once a week every Sunday for the whole day. Consistently too, for 4 months now.

Sounds like you are on a great start…why so impatient though? Marriage is a lifetime and deserves a good b it of patience to discern God’s will.

Well I don’t mean to sound impatient, I just don’t want to wait longer than I have too

Sometimes He merely places people in our lives for a reason other than marriage - when us humans are only thinking marriage.

That is true oftentimes.

Good post

 

[dulcissima]

I knew I would marry my fiance shortly after we started dating. However, I would never have even considered it if we hadn’t gone through some really bad times first. You don’t know how someone handles stress, bad news, and trying times until you’ve lived through it with them.

I think that this is some important advice. So many people associate being in love as this wonderful feeling, when in fact it is something so much deeper than that. I think you do need to go through the difficult times to fully comprehend that love is sacrificial. It’s not about someone making you feel good. It’s about being there for each other in good times and bad. It’s about what you can give to someone. I think what often ends up killing a marriage is when both people don’t see that real love requires sacrifice. I think it might be hard to know if your love is that sacrificial type of love until it has been tested by hardship, even if the only hardship you have to face is waiting.

My advice is given as someone who has gone through the painful process of divorce. If you had any idea of how bad that process is, you would take a slow and cautious approach to discerning marriage.

 

[mizznicole]

I agree with lifeisbeautiful. My courtship/marriage was/is very similar. You know, so much depends on who you are, your depth of maturity (spiritual and emotional), your ability to be honest, your self-awareness. If you are committed to the Lord as it sounds like you are, you will know when it’s his timing. I’ve seen lots of successful marriages (so far!) among people who didn’t date very long, but were thoroughly committed to Christ. He makes all the difference, to be completely cheesy. Yes, we need to be cautious and believe me, I’ve been spared from some stupid choices. But we also need to be brave like our Holy Father so often said. Personally I think it’s a bad idea to wait more than a year or so. Yes, get your finances in order. Yes, spend lots of time with each other’s family. But recognize too that if you have a vocation to marry, there’s no sense delaying it for the sake of delaying it. There’s a purely practical side of this, namely, that your wife will be blessed with conceiving earlier in her years, God willing, rather than later like a lot of us. Although some have mentioned the length it takes to be a priest, I would also say that many religious are able to live out that life before taking their vows. They feel the urgency to love and give it their all. Anyway, you’ll know when it’s right. Trust in God.

 

[Didi]

That’s a neat idea. Do you have any weblinks for me to view?

engagedencounter.org/

 

[MommyZ]

I don’t want to play the devil’s advocate, but why are you asking how long YOU should wait till YOU get married? I know that it’s great to seek advice from others, but I agree with mizznicole, that you have to be brave and step out in faith if you think you’re doing the right thing. If you’re ready, then you’re ready. I have friends who have met and were married within a year of meeting, and are going on 5 years now. My DH parents met and were married within 3 months of meeting and they were married 20+ years before MIL died of cancer. Everyone has a different story.

My DH knew that he was going to marry me 6 months after we met (it took me a bit longer ) and when he proposed, he was ready to get married that day. I would go with a short engagement if you could. We waited 8 months and it was really difficult, purity wise. Once you commit your heart and soul to that person, your body wants to follow.

 

[Just_wondering]

I’d like to offer the advice my mother gave me and my siblings when we were children: the appropriate time to propose marriage is when the only conceivable answer is “yes!”

As everyone has already said, you should discuss all the important values that you hold dear, and your future plans and dreams to make sure they’re compatible, and meet each other’s families and friends to make sure you get along with them well enough.

I’d go a little bit farther. If you two are both under 25, you’d better make sure that her family support the idea of her getting married soon, and specifically getting married to you. It seems a little old-fashioned, but I’d talk to her parents about it before you propose. They’ve known her as a daughter for much longer than you’ve known her as a friend or girlfriend. There are sides to her personality that they understand better than you, and probably better than she herself does. If you ask them and they give you their blessings, then you can go ahead and ask her whenever you like. If they believe she’s not ready for marriage, really listen hard to their reasons and think about it some more. You are going to become part of their family, and it would be respectful to ensure that you wouldn’t be an unwelcome addition to it! Also, establishing that kind of communication with your future in-laws can only help you build a strong relationship with your future wife.

Also, talk to your own parents about it. Let them know what you’re thinking. They may have some other points about marriage that you haven’t thought of yet. Marriage is a joining of families as well as two individuals. Without the support of your and her parents, you two will have a very difficult future. If your families agree that you’re ready, and if you two feel that you know each other deeply enough to commit to each other for life, and if your priest agrees that you are ready to marry, then by all means, why wait? But if more than one of those people thinks you’re rushing into this without enough consideration, wait a little longer. If you’re sure of her, you can wait. It may require a lot of self-control, but getting married with the support of your families is worth waiting six more months.

 

[thedavidwilson]

I’ve been dating a beautiful catholic girl for 3 months now (approaching 4) and we’ve really gotten to know each other. I’m already very happy with her, as she is with me.
I’m fairly close to finishing school and to start work at the company that I hope would be a long-time supporter.

Now my question is, in this day and age, how long should I wait before I propose to her? How much time would it be wise to allow to pass before we get married? Could I propose by Christmastime and be married by late spring/early summer?

I understand that the church wants 6 months time before the wedding so that the marriage isn’t rushed, but I’m talking about overall length of time (from when I first met her to us exchanging rings ).

Thank you in advance

1 year of dating and 1 year of engagement. Traditionally it was encouraged for people to limit the time they are engaged so as to limit the occasion of sin (possibility of premarital sex). But I think 1 year is a good dating period. You should have discussed marriage in the last 3-6 months of the 1st year to make sure both of you are on the same page. You don’t want to pop the question on live TV and not have an idea of what the answer will be.

 

[master_catholic]

Wow, thank you guys for all the advice, really this helps

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

What’s so nice about our relationship is that we are in such agreement: politically, traditionally, morally…We’ve already talked a bit in the last 4 months. We see eye to eye on so many essential things.

**
I’m sorry that I haven’t read through the whole thread ( I do intend to later tonight) but I really wanted to respond to the above…

(In my opinion I think that dating for a solid year or year and a half would be ideal and then another year of being engaged.)

Hubby and I agree on all of the fundamentals: morals, values, politics, traditions, parenting etc. You would think that would set us up or the perfect marriage wouldn’t you? But it doesn’t. At all.

Our personalities are just so different. The way we see things, approach problems, and deal with difficulties are so different. So our marriage has been a struggle in the “little things”. Some disagreements that have lasted for days were eventually resolved when we figured out we were both on the same side, lol.

So do not underestimate the little things in your discernment of a spouse. Make sure all of the big things are agreed upon of course, but also make sure that your life together will be as harmonious as you possibly can. Life will throw so many curve balls your way that you really need to always feel as though you’re playing for the same team…

malia**

 

[Cindy1]

hey there, I’m only 20 but I’m getting married in January 08!! Anyway, i was going out with my bf for about ten months before he proposed (we had also mentioned marriage to each other about three months before this), and our engagement will have been 18 months by the time January come around. In our case, we really needed a long enagement due to the fact that we were young, and I still wanted to make absolutely certain that I wasn’t just blindly following my feelings.

Our engagment was actually meant to be 2.5 years (until we finished our degrees) but in June this year, we decided that we had both finally reached the point where we were absolutely sure despite our young age, we had gone through some difficult times together etc, and we knew how to communicate and resolve conflicts. Also, due to a scholarship, finances no longer were a problem in so far as affording our wedding.

So it was almost a definite point in time, where I suddenly realised that we no longer needed to wait, that would have been pointless. I truly think, both of you will know in your hearts when you think you should get married. I also think getting engaged without setting a wedding date immediately is also a good idea, however make sure you are 95% sure she will say yes to your proposal before you make it. Otherwise wait a little longer. Also, just a word of caution, you say that you both agree on everything and don’t argue? I think conflict resolution is something both of you need to practice before marriage as its such an important tool! Doing marriage preparation with a counselor is also a fantastic idea, as it raises a lot of good points and potential issues. My fiance and I found ourselves negotiating over many things when we did it, as we found many small details needed to be resolved - such as career plans and when to have children etc.

Above all, pray to God, both alone and with your gf and He will give you the answer you want!! Good luck!

 

[paradoxy]

Feelings of being in love can be deceptive, that’s true, but if a couple both live their faith - confess, fast, receive the Eucharist, pray - there is no reason not to trust it to be the guidance of the Holy Spirit at least a bit.

Be honest - how many of you who say you (or people you know) have made mistakes b/c they got married too soon were at the time of the decision living sacramentally?

For people in the Church that I know, 3-4 months was usually enough to know whether they were getting married or calling it quits. Many happy, healthy marriages resulted!

I also know people outside any faith who dragged on for years together and still didn’t/don’t know what to do. Some got married and STILL have doubts whether that’s the right thing to do.

master catholic, both you and your fiancee sound very mature and firm in your faith. From all the info you’ve provided, you know each other and each other’s views and hopes well enough to know you’re ready to commit. You know what marriage really is, and, even if you may not know every little detail about each other, you have the rest of your life to find out. God bless!