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DiZent
Guest
How do I respond to my great niece? She is 17 and her grandmother (father’s side) recently passed away. She posted on Facebook " do not say you will pray for me because it just confuses me and makes me mad".
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Della
Guest
If saying so would only make matters worse, then don’t say it.
You could post the prayer for the repose of souls. After all, the grandfather shouldn’t be deprived merely because his grandaughter is angry over his passing. It seems she’s more concerned with her own feelings–a common reaction in young people these days–as if God personally offended them when their loved one died–as if none of is ever going to die so God is just being a big meany kind of thing. Sounds like she’s not mature enough or been too sheltered to understand what death and dying mean to those who are dead or dying. Even if she says she doesn’t want to hear that you are praying for her, you will anyway, of course. 
C
casslean
Guest
With kindness and compassion. She is confused and in pain and doesn’t know how to respond. Tell her you will keep her in your heart. Tell her you know how much she is hurting. You don’t need to tell her you are praying for her to pray for her, and I’m betting she already knows you will pray for her, even if you don’t tell her.
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SuscipeMeDomine
Guest
Perhaps communicating through Facebook is not the best method.
You can pray for someone without posting it to their Facebook account.
You can also have a discussion with someone in person where it’s two people talking honestly and actually listening to each other.
If this conversation took place in person and she tearfully said “Don’t say you’ll pray for me, I’m mad that Grandma died, why would God let this happen?” you could put your arms around her to comfort her and say something like “I know this hurts, I miss her too…” and go on from there. And maybe the two of you could pray together for her soul and for comfort in your combined grief.
You can’t do that on Facebook.
T
the_phoenix
Guest
Praying from today’s Liturgy of the Hours:
You will show me the path of life,
the fullness of joy in your presence,
at your right hand happiness for ever.
Amen
You will show me the path of life,
the fullness of joy in your presence,
at your right hand happiness for ever.
Amen
J
JRKH
Guest
Don’t say it - - just do it.
If you want to say something - just say that you love her and offer her an ear if she needs to talk to someone.
Peace
James
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3DOCTORS
Guest
Precisely. Though she may not be in the mood right now to hear that someone’s praying for her, but God is still going to hear the prayer and His will for her will be done. So no need to antagonize her over it. And if she does someday have a moment where His Grace touches her heart and she recognizes it for what it is, she’ll make the connection and be grateful.
In other words - Let Go and Let God.
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DiZent
Guest
Thanks for your replies. It threw me off guard to have someone say “don’t pray”. I simply did not respond, but I did pray for her anyway.Precisely. Though she may not be in the mood right now to hear that someone’s praying for her, but God is still going to hear the prayer and His will for her will be done. So no need to antagonize her over it. And if she does someday have a moment where His Grace touches her heart and she recognizes it for what it is, she’ll make the connection and be grateful.
In other words - Let Go and Let God.
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Della
Guest
Yes, as someone else wrote, that’s the pain of her loss talking. She’s young yet. As she gets older and has more experience of life hopefully she’ll come to have a more mature view of these things. In the meantime she needs prayer. She has mine.
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3DOCTORS
Guest
And sometimes this sort of response is even transmitted by the culture, like a virus. With atheism becoming more popular, and some teens tending toward the dramatic and the wish to shock others, they may say things like this impulsively, yet if you could win their trust and get them to open their heart, you’d find they really didn’t mean it. It’s kind of like a two-year-old who says “I hate you, Mommy!” when caught being naughty. Defiance gives a false feeling of strength.
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Della
Guest
Yes, ever since the 60’s defiance, for it’s own sake, has become the “brave” thing. That’s a lot of cotswallow, of course, but it fits the rebellious teen years to a tee for many young people.
M
Mike_from_NJ
Guest
I can’t speak for the OP’s grand-niece and obviously I have no information on the situation, but if I could I’d like to give my 2 cents based on a similar situation. Several years ago my mom passed away. One difference though was that I was 20 years older than the OP’s grand-niece when her grandmother died.
I had various friends and family come to me and offer support, some of whom noted that they were praying for my mother, father, and the whole family. And though I’m not a believer I made sure to thank them as they were doing so not only with complete sincerity but with the utmost sympathy for what my family was going through. Still, even though what they said was done with the best of intentions it was a struggle for me as I felt what had occurred was incongruous to the faith my mother possessed. But this was my burden to bear, and while in some ways it hurt me more, the proper thing was always to thank those for their very kind words.
Beyond that there were some that went beyond merely sympathizing and noting that there were praying for us to also to lay the groundwork for converting me. And while like the others I mentioned this was done with absolutely no malice and with complete sincerity, I was in a vulnerable position and didn’t appreciate having the situation become far more uncomfortable than it already had been. In short, two days after literally watching my mom die in front of me in her home that was the absolute improper time to try and convert me. Not only that, but it put me in a compromising position where at my mother’s funeral I had to make the decision between showing courtesy to my cousin (who had traveled to support the family) or saying word one in defense of what I had believed for almost 30 years.
Back to the OP’s grand-niece, I don’t know if she is a believer, or (more likely) is a believer who after such a sad event is coming to terms with her faith and the question of suffering. It’s a tough thing, especially for someone who isn’t yet an adult. If this had happened a few years later she might have been able to cope with it better. No matter, she might feel that it’s important to respond back to the people on her Facebook page who have expressed sympathy. In asking people not to post that they were praying for her she might be trying to preemptively keep from re-experiencing that pain multiple times with each response.
I would say that suggesting that her request is evidence of selfishness and rebellion is remarkably uncharitable. We don’t know the situation any more than what the OP has given us and it’s improper to claim malice on the grand-niece’s part without evidence.
I had various friends and family come to me and offer support, some of whom noted that they were praying for my mother, father, and the whole family. And though I’m not a believer I made sure to thank them as they were doing so not only with complete sincerity but with the utmost sympathy for what my family was going through. Still, even though what they said was done with the best of intentions it was a struggle for me as I felt what had occurred was incongruous to the faith my mother possessed. But this was my burden to bear, and while in some ways it hurt me more, the proper thing was always to thank those for their very kind words.
Beyond that there were some that went beyond merely sympathizing and noting that there were praying for us to also to lay the groundwork for converting me. And while like the others I mentioned this was done with absolutely no malice and with complete sincerity, I was in a vulnerable position and didn’t appreciate having the situation become far more uncomfortable than it already had been. In short, two days after literally watching my mom die in front of me in her home that was the absolute improper time to try and convert me. Not only that, but it put me in a compromising position where at my mother’s funeral I had to make the decision between showing courtesy to my cousin (who had traveled to support the family) or saying word one in defense of what I had believed for almost 30 years.
Back to the OP’s grand-niece, I don’t know if she is a believer, or (more likely) is a believer who after such a sad event is coming to terms with her faith and the question of suffering. It’s a tough thing, especially for someone who isn’t yet an adult. If this had happened a few years later she might have been able to cope with it better. No matter, she might feel that it’s important to respond back to the people on her Facebook page who have expressed sympathy. In asking people not to post that they were praying for her she might be trying to preemptively keep from re-experiencing that pain multiple times with each response.
I would say that suggesting that her request is evidence of selfishness and rebellion is remarkably uncharitable. We don’t know the situation any more than what the OP has given us and it’s improper to claim malice on the grand-niece’s part without evidence.
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Della
Guest
We don’t know the grandniece’s inner dispostions, of course, but we can suggest reasons why she is reacting the way she is. Our suggestions for her reaction are not accusations. Our suggestions are meant to help the OP realize no matter her reasons for her words, it’s understandable since she appears to be having a hard time coping with a great personal loss–the reasons are as complex as human nature. No one here is saying that this poor girl should be challenged for her comment, but rather loved in her grief and given whatever support she will accept at this time. If any of my remarks came across as accusatory, I deeply regret that for that was not my intention. 
I completely agree that no one should “use” times of grief to proselytize. My own mother had that happen to her when a neighbor, a woman she considered a good friend, tried to woo my mom away from her church when my dad died. It made me furious, but mom said her friend only meant to be helpful. I still don’t buy that explanation after all these years and my mom’s passing. It was cruel to reopen and prolong mom’s grief merely to get her to change denominations. It took me a long time to forgive that woman, but I never forgot how much it hurt my mom and the underhandedness of it. The old axiom that ends never justify the means is so true.
I completely agree that no one should “use” times of grief to proselytize. My own mother had that happen to her when a neighbor, a woman she considered a good friend, tried to woo my mom away from her church when my dad died. It made me furious, but mom said her friend only meant to be helpful. I still don’t buy that explanation after all these years and my mom’s passing. It was cruel to reopen and prolong mom’s grief merely to get her to change denominations. It took me a long time to forgive that woman, but I never forgot how much it hurt my mom and the underhandedness of it. The old axiom that ends never justify the means is so true.
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