When to say something to the Pastor

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Pliny

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I hate to be a tattle tale. On the other hand, if I think something isn’t quite right about our parochial vicar, should I say something to the Pastor?

I had been to a charismatic retreat (by accident–I thought it was going to be something else) and was very disturbed by much of went on there such as the shouting, jumping up and down, falling down (slain in the spirit, I suppose), dancing, and constant noise from beginning to end.

So I asked Fr. “Victor” if I could speak with him about something that was a concern to me. We set up an appointment and I began to share with him my concerns about the charismatic retreat with the hope he could help me sort things out (and I went open to the idea that there might be some good in the charismatic movement), and he became very offended. He said he is charismatic and his family is charismatic and that what I was saying was very offensive. I tried to further explain that I want to understand, and as we continued talking he became more offended and he abruptly ended our discussion saying that he couldn’t continue because it was so offensive to him. We had a one hour appointment and I was out the door in six minutes.

Besides that, the next day at daily Mass he made it a point to acknowledge the various groups at our church, singling out the charismatic community (as a further message to me), even though I don’t think we have any charismatic group at our church.

Anyway, I think he could have handled this in way that was more “pastoral.” (I have since heard a couple of stories that he was rude to other parishioners).

Also a few times a Mass he’s said things to the effect that if our children leave the Church and then come back to a Protestant Church, it shouldn’t bother us, that it doesn’t matter.

And a smaller matter, but one that irritates me, when there are times that there is a blessing to be done for particular ministers in the church, etc., he asks everyone in the congregation to extend their hands during his blessing, which I don’t feel at all comfortable doing, and no longer do it.

Anyway, is there anything here that I should report to the pastor or should I just suck it up? (I have to think not only about myself here, but how what he is doing could affect others).
 
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I’m not sure what your problem with this is, I’ve never had any problem with the charismatic groups, and the Church allows it, and it is within her authority to do so.
 
The problem is how the priest handled it. He basically threw me out of his office.

I think what goes on at these retreats is crazy, but that’s a separate issue.
 
If he’s a committed charismatic, which as Adam said the Church allows, and you proceeded to go into his office and say things like you thought the charismatic retreat was crazy and possibly harmful to people, and continued to say these things to him after you saw him getting upset, then it’s understandable that the conversation took a bad turn. It would be like if you went to see a vicar who was a big proponent of the EF and traditional practice and you expressed all these concerns about how crazy and possibly harmful it was to have EF Mass.

Priests are humans, some of them do not have stellar people skills, and occasionally they are brusque or don’t handle an interaction in the greatest, most pastoral manner. Nevertheless, if you choose to say something to the pastor about this, it should just be about your own interaction and you shouldn’t be repeating gossip or stories that Vicar was also rude to Mrs. X down the street unless you personally witnessed this, not just heard some story about it.

I’m a bit concerned that your post seems to go on from this charismatic incident and make a whole laundry list of things you don’t like about this priest. Extending the hands is a charismatic-type gesture; I can see you being uncomfortable with it, but no one is making you do it so I don’t see how it’s a big deal. And how do you know that he “singled out the charismatic community” as a “further message” to you? Unless he called you out by name, or pointed directly to you in the pew, you’re making a big assumption there. Also, you say “I don’t think we have any charismatic group at our church” while also stating that the priest and his whole family are charismatic and people are extending their hands in blessing? My guess is you do have a charismatic group at your church (maybe even led by this vicar) who are keeping under the radar because otherwise people like you get all concerned about what they are doing. I’ve noticed this at a whole lot of churches.

Finally, your whole position of “it’s not about me but how what he is doing could affect others” seems like you’re just trying to find some justification other than your own hurt feelings. You haven’t said anything that suggests this priest is hurting anyone else; there are a couple gossip stories that he was maybe rude to someone you know, but you didn’t see that in person, we’re not supposed to pass on gossip, and the other person who had the interaction can surely decide for themself whether or not to tell that incident to the pastor.
The statement he made about children leaving the church is given by you out of context here so we have absolutely no way of judging what the priest might have been getting at by saying that in a homily.

It’s your own call whether to tell the pastor. If you do, be prepared for whatever results from your talk, which could be anything from the vicar avoiding you completely going forward, to absolutely nothing changing.
 
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I’m not comfortable with charismatics myself. I went to one meeting and I was surprised that it was allowed in the Catholic Church.

It feels to me like a way to appease people’s constant need for novelty. I personally don’t think it’s healthy, I think it opens doors which may be best kept shut. Who knows.

Actually the response of your priest seems to indicate that he is not entirely confident about things himself.
 
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Pliny said:
The problem is how the priest handled it. He basically threw me out of his office.

I think what goes on at these retreats is crazy, but that’s a separate issue.
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I don’t think it’s separate at all. It sounds like you tried to tell a charismatic priest that a charismatic retreat shouldn’t look and sound like a charistmatic retreat. Maybe he could have been more patient with you, but I’m not really surprised that he found that offensive.
 
Pliny said:
He said he is charismatic and his family is charismatic and that what I was saying was very offensive. I tried to further explain that I want to understand, and as we continued talking he became more offended and he abruptly ended our discussion saying that he couldn’t continue because it was so offensive to him.
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Did you know that he was charismatic?
Pliny said:
Besides that, the next day at daily Mass he made it a point to acknowledge the various groups at our church, singling out the charismatic community (as a further message to me), even though I don’t think we have any charismatic group at our church.
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Sounds like my former Parish Priests. They loved to use the pulpit to take jabs at Parishioners.
Pliny said:
Anyway, is there anything here that I should report to the pastor or should I just suck it up?
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If possible, I think you should find another Parish.

In all honesty, incidents like this are why I don’t discuss these matters with Priests. My family has experienced situations like this before and it’s not worth the trouble.
 
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Did the OP know that he was talking to a Charismatic Priest? To me, it sounded like an unexpected surprise 🤔
 
Just saying, not everyone is good at navigating these situations. Ideally, once the Priest voiced his position you would then deescalate the situation by carefully backpedaling.
 
I do feel for the OP ending up at a charismatic retreat not knowing what it was going to be. “Charismatic” events these days rarely seem to come out and say “charismatic” anymore. They say Healing Service or stuff about the Holy Spirit, or sometimes it will just be advertised as retreat with Fr. Jones, and people “in the know” will know that Fr. Jones is a huge charismatic, but somebody not familiar with him might not.

This is a separate issue from the question the OP is asking, though.
 
I had no idea he was charismatic.

I went into the meeting with him to try to understand and not to criticize. After our meeting I went to another charismatic retreat to give it another chance and to understand, and after that second retreat I’m convinced not only that it’s not right for me, but that it is overall not good. I suggest that others who are sympathetic to the charismatic movement and who have been critical of me see what exorcist Fr. Ripperger has to say about “charismaniacs” (his word) and the dangers of their practices.

I went to see this priest in good faith and after I saw that he was being offended I made it clear that I wanted to understand, but that didn’t matter. They guy has a short fuse, based on my observations.

Another parish isn’t possible. Eventually he will be the one going to another parish as his time here should be up in about a year.

The comment that others seemed to have missed is that this same priest said that it is ok if our fallen away children come back to Protestant churches. That it “doesn’t matter” since we have the same Jesus, etc.

Thanks for your comments. I’ll probably just let it go.
 
The second line doesn’t really explain the first, since I didn’t come to that conclusion until after the priest threw me out and until after I tried once again with a second charismatic retreat.
 
I didn’t know he was a charismatic. I didn’t know that I was being offensive by sharing my concerns. It was very disturbing to see people jumping up and down, falling down on their backs, speakers screaming at us, noise from beginning to end with not a moment of silence, etc. I was trying to reconcile that with my Catholic beliefs and understanding.

What if I had gone to him with something more important such as that I was losing my belief in the Real Presence? Do you throw someone out for that or do you work with him and try to help him with his faith?
 
You don’t see any problem with him saying that there is nothing wrong if our fallen away Catholic children become Protestants?
 
I am saying that it’s impossible for me or anyone else to judge one quote taken out of the context of a much longer homily. For example, was he saying that to comfort a whole bunch of parishioners who thought they had failed as parents and cried themselves to sleep every night because their kid turned Baptist? Was he trying to make a point about how the kid being a Protestant is at least better than being an atheist? I have no idea what the priest was trying to say, or what the Gospel was, etc. Therefore since I wasn’t there listening to him, I don’t feel like I can judge him, and we are not supposed to judge anyway.
 
Pliny said:
What if I had gone to him with something more important such as that I was losing my belief in the Real Presence? Do you throw someone out for that or do you work with him and try to help him with his faith?
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I doubt that would involve criticizing a group he belongs to.
 
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