When to suspend counseling?

[Huiou_Theou]

So as far as not wanting to be in a bed with someone who just wants sex - no - that is LOOONG behind us. She cut off sex years ago, and though it has returned occasionally for brief and sporadic periods, it is now pretty much dead. I used to pray that God would make her libido be more like mine - Boy! Watch what you pray for, now I am as frigid as she is! We both recognize at least intellectually, that that is not what God wants in a marriage.

Sexuality is the “pledge” of marriage. From the CCC.
As your wife mentioned in the last thead she thinks it is “probably not alright with him” – it really shouldn’t be, but I sure understand where you are.

I can sympathize, but having been accused of having sex with all kinds of women at UofP by my wife, shooting pornagraphic shots, being humilated by the police breaking in on us beause of my inlaws calling them for rape, domestic violence, all of which were completely false (in fact my sister in law is the violent one, who has had a problem with nude dancing, etc.) . And the things my wife said to my face to make me feel less than manly, less than human. She was “feeling” used I guess, and the revenge mode kicked in. It runs in her family – three sisters, none of them with their husbands…

I can sympathize there.

The local psychiatrist said I ought to deny her because of what she does verbally afterward – but my parish priest refused to answer whether I have the right to deny her, and I am pretty sure the answer is no – for he is the one who suggested seperation by asking if I had considered it – and now that we are apart he seems to have done a cover your butt about face. People don’t do that when they are justified in the first place.

But I think that is basically wrong to deny if she asks – and I think there is a certain value in being open to each other which has to do with the sacrament.
It doesn’t have to be a big production… but you too need to get beyond being frigid.

The basic paradigm that she seems to be operating by is

1. I was the vitimizer - she the victim
2. Her faults were largely due to me being a lousy husband that so depressed her to the point of being non functional on many levels.
3. The male is to lead, the female then naturally responds - and I need to lead by love, accept her desire for distance, and wait patiently. That I need to love unconditionally and expect nothing in return from her. When I grow impatient, it is because I am incapable of love, lack empathy and really have not changed deep inside.

#1 – OK. You admit this, but clearly both parties were acting spiteful.
#2 – I can sympathize with her on this point – I am there.
#3 – Yeah, dead ringer for my wife’s talk exept I am the one who needs distance.

On the headship of the man in the marriage:
Pope John paul II in the theology of the body points out that it mainly applies to situations where you two cannot agree – one has to be the head. The biblical proposition is that the male is to have this position, however it is not a sin should the woman be capable to have her lead in those situations – what did you agree when you were married?

In my marriage, my wife insisted when we were married that I had to be the head (no choice).
It never occured to me that this was a warning light that she would have great difficulty following.

She likes counseling. They never give you direct advice and you can just let it all out. I hate it. I want advice, never get it and have to work half a day to pay for 45 minutes of indirect chit chat!

Yep – and she can keep on picking new ones which feel pity for her. Speak to your priest the “defacto counsellors of the world” according to humanae vitae.

You have to accept that your kids are lost, the laws are probably against you, and if there is any hope of saving them it is because your wife changes her mind and starts acting like a true Catholic. By fighting with her it only gets worse.

My last priest advisor simply told me to see a lawyer, and asked if I had considered “seperation” – and after being humiliated by a previous priest, having annulment information given out by another (who has since given me an annointing of the sick), this last priest basically delivered the only news I didn’t want to hear and my body gave up. De facto seperation.

Well, you can read “for men only” it’s a harmless book which talks about some of the reasons women do what they do in contrast to the way that men think about it. Although the book is oversexed (for sales?) it is somewhat helpful.