When you can't take it back

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JLCecilia

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If you’ve read my most recent thread, you’ll know that DH and I had a pretty serious fight last Wednesday where we said some things that you can’t take back. Among these:
  1. DH confessed that before we met, he’d had an addiction to indecent material for a time (didn’t know this before now). Shortly after we married, he admitted that even since the wedding, he’d been taking care of ‘things’ himself. He admitted to being afraid of sex b/c he doesn’t want another child (not sure if he just meant for now, or ever)
  2. We both confessed regretting getting married. When we dated, he broke up w/ me for a time b/c of my negativity and constantly having to console me in my depression and anxiety. He said he nearly broke things off during our engagment b/c he didn’t want to do that anymore, but he overcame this decision out of fear for having to start all over again (we had been together for 5yrs before getting engaged). I had actually tried to break the engagement off myself at one point b/c he was unemployed and would not convert and I didn’t want to deal w/ all that.
  3. I stressed to him the importance (to me) of raising our boys Catholic and that I didn’t want him opposing me when they get older and maybe start rebelling against going to church (I went thru this phase myself - but what do kids know?) DH stated that when ‘his’ kids are old enough and they say that they don’t want to go to church, ‘nobody’ is going to force them. I told DH that I feel in retrospect that his conversion was a joke - that he only did it so I’d marry him and he had no real intentions to follow thru. He said he actually thought the faith was ‘cool’ at the time, but then I went off the deep end w/ my religion and it turned him off. I confessed to him blaming my parents in part for my predicament b/c they NEVER talked to me about praying for my spouse or the importance of discerning a spouse and not marrying outside of my faith. Not to be braggish, but I realize that God may be using me and our marriage/family to gain salvation for DH and possibly his family. I just resent this right now b/c of how difficult things are.
  4. He actually used the word ‘hate’ when referring to the woman I stayed w/ during our engagement. She is very devout and helped me to see the Truth in all things. He said that people like her don’t like him and judge him and look down on him. I explained that I feel people’s judgement every Sunday that I must take the children to mass on my own, but that I’ve come to realize that they don’t judge me as much as they may pity me. I told him that in both circumstances, we were projecting our own insecurities (and shame) on others. I explained later that when I act judgmental towards others and I throw religious tracts in the mix, that I am actually doing a disservice to my faith and giving Christians a bad name. The truth is, when I judge others, it is out of envy and insecurity and that DH of all people should be able to see my actions for what they really are (and not the faith, which I project this as to hide my insecurities and jealousy behind).
  5. DH said he doesn’t bother to help me w/ the kids or home b/c nothing is ever good enough. I agreed w/ him that I am impossible to please, but that this doesn’t justify copping out of his responsibilities to our family and home. I explained that the reason I get angry is b/c he’ll do realy well for about a day after a big argument and then go back to being lazy. He said he’d start helping out more, but if I p**s him off he’ll quit. I told him that was bologne. I know this is contrary to his way of life, but a family and a home are hard work and it doesn’t get any easier for a long while. As I was told growing up, it doesn’t matter if you feel like it or not, you still must do what is required.
Right now I am not wearing my wedding band. This is my dig at my husband. As you’ll note in my previous post, things have been going great, but I have a feeling that this will come to an end when the internet is turned back on this weekend. Wednesday evening, I told DH that I want to separate. I told him again Thursday morning after which he recanted everything he said the night before - but I think to a certain degree we both meant what we said, he’s just afraid. I still have this in the back of my mind that he needs to leave for a month. Go away where he doesn’t have the distractions of technology and take some time to discern (and give me a break).

I am trying to work up the nerve to call my priest to talk to him. DH more than likely will not go along, but I must persevere even if I must go it alone. I actually told DH that I was afraid to talk to our priest that he’d feel Fr would judge him and be ashamed for sure to go back to church and see him after that. Oh well, if DH wants to defend himself, guess he’ll have to go w/ me or deal w/ it.
 
JLCecilia;3982581 I agreed w/ him that I am impossible to please said:
Um, I think this would be a huge issue in any relationship. I mean, I could never please my ex, and it wears on a person’s soul. You admit you have a problem, how are you dealing with it? It sounds like you are not going to be content with the blessings God has given you…and I’m sorry for that.

Right now I am not wearing my wedding band. This is my dig at my husband. As you’ll note in my previous post, things have been going great, but I have a feeling that this will come to an end when the internet is turned back on this weekend. Wednesday evening, I told DH that I want to separate. I told him again Thursday morning after which he recanted everything he said the night before - but I think to a certain degree we both meant what we said, he’s just afraid. I still have this in the back of my mind that he needs to leave for a month. Go away where he doesn’t have the distractions of technology and take some time to discern (and give me a break).

I am trying to work up the nerve to call my priest to talk to him. DH more than likely will not go along, but I must persevere even if I must go it alone. I actually told DH that I was afraid to talk to our priest that he’d feel Fr would judge him and be ashamed for sure to go back to church and see him after that. Oh well, if DH wants to defend himself, guess he’ll have to go w/ me or deal w/ it.
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I will pray for you and your Husband. It is good to seek the council of your Priest. Hopefully he will go too. I hope everything works out for you.
 
Marriage counseling is absolutely in order at this point. This is not just about you and your husband since you have brought children into this -you owe it to your children to try to save your marriage if at all possible. They are innocent of the issues you and your husband have. A non-Catholic father is better than an absent one. You both did not make the best choices earlier in your relationship but it’s too late too look at should of/ could of’s at this point. Sometimes in life you make the right decisions and sometimes you have to make your decisions right. Nothing you’ve said is a reason for divorce -with counseling and maturity they can be over come.

I married at 18 to an alcoholic, atheist whom also had a porn problem. We nearly split 7 years into our marriage but by then we had a child. I fought with everything I had to keep my marriage for our daughter’s sake. We owed her that much, it wasn’t about me and my happiness anymore -it was what was best for her. My pride needed to be put aside.

It took time, hard work and alot of prayer but my husband is a sober Catholic and our marriage is rock solid. And not because I forced him to be. All that credit goes to God alone.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but your children are what you need to think about now. You both will be in prayers.
 
Divorce is not even something that either of us would consider. I only mentioned separation as a way for us to remove ourselves from the constant abrasion of the situation and help us gain clarity of mind to discern what action to take. I have serious doubts that DH will consider taking any action (w/ or w/out me) as long as things seem ‘ok’ to him. I guess I/we will need further direction from our priest.

When I am not in the throes of dealing w/ everything, I have an inkling of hope that as bad as things seem, it means that much greater of a triumph for God if/when He sees us thru this. I only hope that at the end of this mess we can look back and use our trecherous journey as a testimony to others. I pray God will help me to see His greater purpose in all this.
 
JLCecilia said:
Divorce is not even something that either of us would consider. I only mentioned separation as a way for us to remove ourselves from the constant abrasion of the situation and help us gain clarity of mind to discern what action to take.
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**IF children weren’t involved it MIGHT be a good idea (but in many cases separation doesn’t help at all). But you have to look at this from a child’s perspective. Permanent or not, intended divorce or not, they will have a broken home. They won’t understand that it is supposed to help, they will only feel loss. A better idea is to call some sort of truce where you both take a break from talking about any kind of relationship issue and practice being civil and polite, like you would to a friend or stranger.

My husband and I have had to do this, more often than I care to admit:o. But if nothing is being solved by bringing things up (or if talking makes it worse) then keeping lips zipped and then letting it all out in prayer can be good… until you can get some good marital therapy that is. have you guys considered Retrouvaille?**
 
i agree, too, that counseling is in order. if husband won’t go, go by yourself.

amongst the many things you’ve written, I’d like to address these–

***your husband’s retraction. i agree with you that his complaints are probably very much his true perspective. but his retraction seems to me this: while his complaints are real, he’s trying to revoke the damage he meant to cause by weilding them like weapons.

in the past, this was a common MO for me. I’d spill with a complaint intending to hurt, then later, feel bad and try to rescind the complaint. i really wanted to rescind was my intent to hurt-- but i didn’t know how to say that.

** my husband used to say i was impossible to please and i agreed. i likewise told him it was no excuse to quit. it wasn’t until my oldest, approaching teenhood, in nearly desperate frustration, wailed, “i can’t do anything your way!!” that i realized i was crushing my family with my impossible standards. i was just crushing them.

i argued my impossible standards were no reason for my husband to quit, but they most certainly were. people like to succeed. years of failure makes a guy quit. my ever-changing standards posed consistent failure to my family. everybody was quitting because i was an imoveable force. (i didn’t see my standards as ever-changing. instead, i thought i just wanted things done ‘right.’)

please read the thread on respecting spouse. i offered some things over there and another poster also offered the opposite perspective-- of a husband who is disrespected.

*** religious tracts. please consider leaving these alone. people don’t want to be told. people want to be heard. only when we meet people where they are do we have any chance of bringing them along to a better place. this takes time, love, patience, prayer and trust in God-- not religious tracts.

JLC, your husband has a lot of changing to do, but you can’t do his changing for him. you can only do your own changing. this is a tough pill to swallow.

i nearly choked on mine. but i learned that when i finally swallowed tough truths about myself that i had already been choking on my justifications, excuses, blaming of others, complaints and dissatisfactions.

accepting hard truths about me really did set me free.
 
Fenaro’s Wife . . .I think the reason I so easily throw around the notion of separation is b/c our children are so young - 2yo and 7mo. As it is right now, DH has his days and nights mixed up, so the children don’t see him anyway: he doesn’t get up till after we’re gone in the morning and doesn’t get home till after we’re all in bed. On the weekends, he sleeps in till the kids go down for their naps, then he’s on the computer the rest of the evening and can’t be bothered.

So, really, you’d think avoiding each other and incessant talking about the situation should be fairly easy. However, this removes any opportunity to actively be civil to one another, only passively (i.e., by avoiding one another altogether).

I struggle w/ my approach so much - do I sit on my hands and wait for him to come around while he continues feeding his addictions in our home, or do I push? I’m at the push stage right now. I feel like totally cutting off from him as much as possible, for instance, I didn’t take his calls last night while he was working and I was caring for the children. I feel a bit like he’s trying to play on my sympathies until everything’s ‘ok’ and then we’ll get right back into the same pattern that started all this.

Monicatholic, can you PM me the link to the thread about respecting your spouse? I have ordered a book (I can’t remember which thread I got the reommendation from or even the author), but something about feeding/nurturing your husband. I am feeling pretty bull-headed right now the he needs to change and not me, but I continue to pray for the Lord to change me and create in me a new heart. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
 
My husband and I separated for a time years ago Cecilia, albeit for different reasons, and it greatly helped us, although I wouldn’t advocate it. It was my decision, and thankfully, my husband was supportive. I don’t know of anyone where the couple came to a mutual decision on that, usually it’s one spouse wanting the separation over another. But, I learned a lot about how to be a better wife through the experience, although, in looking back, I don’t think I would have separated…but, live and learn. I think that if you can avoid it at all costs, then don’t separate, but I’m just offering advice.

I think that with good Christian counseling (preferably Catholic) you can resolve any differences. It’s getting the communication started that is the tough part.:o I hope for the best for you and your marriage–please keep us posted.
 
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