A
Augustine
Guest
A couple of years ago, visiting my parents, I stopped by the local cathedral for confession. I was surprised that the priest used to be an associate pastor of my parents’ parish 20 years before. After the confession it dawned on me that I was confessing to this priest the same sins as when I was a young man.
In spite of having a deep prayer life including daily mass, the divine office, eucharistic adoration, spiritual direction, profession at a third order, I am still a prisoner of old vices.
Worse yet, people at my parish stop me to say how much they admire my holiness, which is doubly terrible to listen to: firstly because it tickles my vanity, secondly because I know that I give them the wrong impression. I can’t help thinking how good a hypocrite I must be to fool so many, especially myself, about being a faithful disciple of Our Lord. Of course, in my vanity, I could probably win a prize for it too.
It’s not all: I have been divorced for just over a month. So, not only am I shackled by old vices, I fail to mold my life after Jesus miserably by compounding my infidelity in a very public manner. Yet, even those who know about this situation state their admiration for my holiness…
Perhaps I’m just an actor who can play the pious role very well. I think that I can do church day after day in public, but, in my privacy, a rather lonelier one lately, I feebly fight my demons who torment me and whom I cherish.
I heard the good news and sought His richness, His freedom, His countenance, His comfort, His favor. I gladly did all I thought that I had to do to follow Him, but am still poor, imprisoned, blind, oppressed, disgraced.
I’d rather be lukewarm or cold than just hypocritically hot.
In spite of having a deep prayer life including daily mass, the divine office, eucharistic adoration, spiritual direction, profession at a third order, I am still a prisoner of old vices.
Worse yet, people at my parish stop me to say how much they admire my holiness, which is doubly terrible to listen to: firstly because it tickles my vanity, secondly because I know that I give them the wrong impression. I can’t help thinking how good a hypocrite I must be to fool so many, especially myself, about being a faithful disciple of Our Lord. Of course, in my vanity, I could probably win a prize for it too.
It’s not all: I have been divorced for just over a month. So, not only am I shackled by old vices, I fail to mold my life after Jesus miserably by compounding my infidelity in a very public manner. Yet, even those who know about this situation state their admiration for my holiness…
Perhaps I’m just an actor who can play the pious role very well. I think that I can do church day after day in public, but, in my privacy, a rather lonelier one lately, I feebly fight my demons who torment me and whom I cherish.
I heard the good news and sought His richness, His freedom, His countenance, His comfort, His favor. I gladly did all I thought that I had to do to follow Him, but am still poor, imprisoned, blind, oppressed, disgraced.
I’d rather be lukewarm or cold than just hypocritically hot.