Where to start with my boyfriend?

[Annette0723]

My boyfriend describes himself as a “non-practicing agnostic.” He was raised Protestant at a young age and then his family stopped going to church.

When we started dating, I told him that he was welcome to come to church with me any time, but that I wasn’t going to invite him every week because I didn’t want him to ever think I was trying to push religion on him. Very early in the relationship he asked if he could go with me, and he has been going almost every week since then.

He recently told me that he would like to become Catholic. I immediately told him that he should not do this for me, he should only do it if it is what he believes. (He is very ready to get married, I still want to take things slower.) He told me he wasn’t sure if he would ever be at a point where he could say one religion was better than another, but that he did see value in going to church. He admitted to me that he was going to see a priest without telling me to start the process, but that he was glad he told me even though he knows this is something he has to do alone. I told him that I thought the first thing he should do is learn more about my religion, and then decide if he believes in it. Then we had some conversations about some of the teachings… contraception, abortion. The contraception teaching was completely foreign to him and took him off guard. Eventually I would like him to read Love and Responsibility. But anyways we talked about abortion and he is pretty close to Catholic teaching in that area although he had questions about rape and life of the mother issues.

The next day he asked me if my sister’s fiance was becoming Catholic as part of their marriage classes. And I said no, that he does not have to be Catholic for them to be married in the Church. This question concerned me, as to his motives. But I left it at that.

I honestly have no idea where to start with him. I’m not sure if I should ask him if he is starting to believe in God? I’m not sure if we need to start with a book, or a meeting with a priest to talk about whether God exists? I’m not sure how worried I need to be about what is motivating him, but then I don’t want to discourage him in any way. He doesn’t know much about Christianity at all. I don’t trust the RCIA classes at my church, but I do know a couple of priests I trust to talk to him, or point me in the direction of classes I can trust.

I know he is waiting on me to start things, and I would appreciate any advice on how to do it. I do own a couple of books… Did Jesus Have a Last Name?, Where did I come from, where am I going, how do I get there?, and Why Do Catholics Do That. But I’m afraid all of them are too advanced for where he is at, and they assume that you believe in God to some extent.

He is very intellectual, so I know that if he is going to do this he needs to know what he is doing.

 

[14fhl]

It is clear you want your boyfriend to be Catholic before you are married. You mentioned he is very intellectual. He must first have an intellectual understanding of the faith, he must continue to be fed by the faith to meet his intellectual needs. He sounds very young in the faith and will require an infinite amount of patience during this proccess and it may never happen, and you must admit this to yourself.

an analogy
Your boyfriend is like a child who has been given his first piece of candy. Now he will stop at nothing to get another piece of candy. As our world trains us from childhood, we must take candy, or love, or physical intamacy. We somehow never figure out that love, that which we truly seek, is freely given. To understand that requires spiritual maturity. Spiritual maturity must take prescedence in him for him to start trying to fill his spiritual needs with spiritual understanding instead of pleasure seeking or comfort seeking (the case for most women). However childish these needs may seem, they are very real needs of both man and woman and should not be underestimated.

You mentioned your talk about birth control and abortion. Most confusion about these two issues comes from not knowing where life begins and why. I suggest Chris West’s “Theology of the Body for Beginners”. Don’t let the name fool you, if he has never began to address these issues, this book will challenge him greatly. Like you already know, never force your beliefs, offer the truth in a loving manner when he shows the desire for knowledge of the faith. When he begins to trust the faith instead of his own rationale he can begin to trust that the church teaches truth that he can believe with less testing of the teachings.

 

[Annette0723]

Thanks for that great advice. I will definitely look into that book.

The only thing is that I do NOT feel that he must be Catholic for us to get married (we’ve just only dated for 6 months). My fear is that he thinks that. My dad did not become Catholic until I was 15, so I am not at all afraid of a relationship like that. The only thing that matters to me is that he completely respects my religion and accepts that if we were to get married that I would follow my religion and raise our children Catholic (and we’ve had long talks about that). And he does all those things. And of course I want him to find God and hopefully ultimately the fullness of truth in the Catholic faith, but I completely understand that it happens on God’s time table and not mine.

So again thanks for the advice because it was really good and it is so hard to know where to start with him. Just wanted to clear that one thing up.

 

[YinYangMom]

You already ‘started’ with your boyfriend and you obviously did quite well

By being your true Catholic self around him, inviting him to attend mass with you, and allowing him, too - that was the beginning of his journey.

He’s already speaking with a priest, let the priest take it from here. You keep allowing the Spirit to continue to work through you as the light which draws your boyfriend to Truth.

I sense you are more concerned about the boyfriend’s motives. I understand completely your desire that he consider Catholicism for the Truth it offers and not go through all this in the hopes that by doing so you’d say ‘yes’ to his proposal one day. It seems you’re just not ready to consider such a proposal at this stage of the relationship and that may be why you’re a bit anxious about what to do next.

Perhaps you’re concerned that if you indicate to him marriage is not something you are considering at this time or any time in the future he’d stop his journey. You may not want to be responsible for discouraging him at this point.

Trust in the Lord and the Holy Spirit and don’t worry about the what ifs behind your boyfriend’s path. I suspect that even if you two were to break up down the line he will always have the utmost respect for you and having traveled this part of his life with you - whether or not he becomes Catholic. If you end up marrying, that would be pretty fantastic too.

 

[mdzialo]

Have him watch, The Journey Home, on EWTN every Monday night.

 

[revelations]

He he, I went through a similar thing, except i was the BF in your story.

I was anglican for a while then stopped going about 7 or 8 years ago. Then i met my gf, who was SUPER catholic, whole family super catholic, mom and dad super catholic, etc. I was very reluctant to become a catholic because if i did i wanted it to be something i decided to do. Not something just to make everyone happy.

Concerning your BF, being a Catholic isn’t about knowing the whole catechism and talking about abortion all the time. It is about knowing, loving, and trusting Jesus Christ our lord first and foremost. We trust what he says in the bible, that St. Peter has the keys to the church, that whatever is bound on earth is bound in heaven, and that the gates of hell will not prevail against the church. This is where the catechism came from, and all the teachings about abortion and birth control. Jesus told us we can trust the church, so i will.

Lead your BF to Jesus Christ and his mother, and they will bring him to the church. Going the other way around is a recipe for disaster.

There were three things for me that instilled within me the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:

1. Father John Corapi’s conversion story…man of conviction, and a real man
2. “The Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel, found it with a bible in the bottom of a shop drawer at my school…mysterious
3. Asking our Mother for guidance and prayers, this was a big one.

Good luck

 

[Feedmysheep]

“Catholicism for Dummies” (I know, repulsive title ) is a good book. It has a (admittedly small) section about observation of natural law pointing to belief in God, so that might interest your BF. It also covers just about every single aspect of Catholicism in a straightforward, yet not insultingly inane, manner.

My advice (which is free, and you know they say you get what you pay for ) is to give him the book, let him know you’re there to answer any questions you can, and to point him in the right direction for ones you can’t, and leave it be. Don’t worry about him converting for the wrong reasons. Don’t worry about him converting for the right reasons. Don’t worry about him converting at all. Just be there to help him on his process.

FMS

 

[rien]

If you are close to the West Coast and can afford it I’d suggest attending the West Coast Biblical Studies Conference 01/19 - 01/20. Dr. Hahn amog others will present. You could visit Disneyland too and turn it into a vacation. Just a thought.

Motives? You know him better than we at the forum. He is making an effort and discussing things. How many guys do that today?

He should only convert if he believes. But if he can’t bring himself to do so you can still marry him. As you mention your sister is marrying a non-Catholic. It sounds like he’d be totally accepting to having the children raised Catholic. And in time? Who knows.