How do you feel about telling a lie to protect someone’s feelings?
Inclined towards, out of compassion. Prevented from by attachment to justice. I process the inclination but decide against in the end.
For example, someone comes back from a trip and asks, “Did you miss me?”
Do you say, “Yes” when you really didn’t miss them? Or do you say you missed them (so as not to hurt them) and then go to confession?
Such a small matter is not enough for mortal sin, which requires grave matter. However, we shouldn’t go on with what we think to be a sin while looking forward to confession.
Besides, one is never in a situation to which every answer, including no answer, would be a sin. If literally all possible actions or inaction would lead to bad consequences, then the person making the choice would be unable to be blamed for those consequences. Choosing the least evil and helping avert the bad consequences should exhaust all the moral obligations here.
I think I would try to avoid the question “Did you miss me?” with a simple, “Come on, First_Name. That was just three days,” in a light tone, maybe with a pat on the back or a hug or something like that. Or, “I was having a good time, but I’m glad to see you again.” If the asker’s tone were teasy, I could perhaps come up with some jokingly emphatic performance like, “I would die if I had been away from you for a second more than I was!” as it’s probably the need for some attention that makes people ask such questions after short absences.
Note that children can sense lies from parents. Husbands and wives also can. Good friends often will. People with a good intuition or somewhat attuned to the human nature. They may feel worse hearing a lie than receiving a kind and respectful answer suggesting the absence was short. Besides, what if they make you confirm it again and again? “Oh really? You did?” Or what if they actually believe and build up their illusions? “Oh really? That’s so nice of you. I love you for that,” and so on and so forth. That’s all better avoided by coming up with a creative answer which is not a lie and which addresses the needs or concerns of the person who is asking.
And obviously, we could spend a moment or two thinking why the person wishes he had been missed. It’s rarely such a direct and specific desire that will not be fulfilled by anything else. Mostly they just need some attention or more attention than they are getting. Perhaps we should spend more time with them. If it’s a spouse, perhaps we should spend more time together. If it’s a child, perhaps we should have some quality time. If it’s a different relative, perhaps we should visit more often and keep him up to date on what’s going on in our lives and make sure he feels needed.
It’s something I really struggle with. I know I’m not telling the truth, and I always seem to justify it by saying to myself, “Well, you’re preserving the other person’s feelings, no harm done.”
It’s tough, though, I know.
. —KCT