Who Should Have the Main Career

[sadowa]

I knoiw of a couple that were evenly matched when they married a bit early in a Protestant church. They were almost nineteen, enamored of charms and looks. Their baby at twenty one while difficult came to be seen by both as a blessing. Of all things she asked me if she should keep it before her husband even knew she was expecting. She was afraid of poverty. They did the right thing and the child is a joy.

Here is the rub. She gets a bachelors of science next week. Her husband made a bad move in a military career so as not to be away fro her while she was pregnant that cut short a military career. Nothing terrible just sometype of refusal to transfer her to Germany. The problem is his guard type jobs he gets are shift work making child care hard to coordinate. Furthermore, she has said since high school she wants advanced degrees. She can start a masters in weeks. She had tried to push him at better training, but they find themselves begging food money from family and getting food stamps.

She knows she is much closer to a real high paying job than he is and wants him to stay home an raise their son. She was asking me if Catholics are like Jehovahs Witnesses and teach the woman must stay home? I must emphasize he has turned down opportunites for a greater degree of education. They now live in a slum. I know because I taught at a public high school where they live where a boy was murdered for his tennis shoes. Moreoever, the school was set on fire ten times in twelve days.

She sees her academic training as the quickest way out of danger. She believes her husbands “I will take care of you” attitude is wrong, especially when he has a welfare level ghetto living job. Finally while she is seeking God, she is apprehensive of Catholics who tell her to endure while possessing duel high paying incomes and a car for every kid. Of course she knows not every Catholic family has money. However, she feels those that would judge her the strongest never had to present food stamps to the grocery store clerk. So is it OK for her to assert herself as the bread winner. At least for awhile until her husband sees what the economy needs and pays?

Sincerely,

sadowa

 

[HitF12]

In my opnion, I don’t think I matters how they work it out, as long as they both agree to it. Lots of Catholic (and Christian) families have one parent working (either the mother or the father), or both parents working and relying on child care. Some have advanced degrees, some have a bachelors, and some never finished high school. Some are rich, some are poor, but most are in between.

If God provides them with the opportunity to better her situation and that of her spouse and child, they should seriously consider taking it. However, her and her spouse need to both be on the same page; if they each pull if different directions, they will get nowhere. Having God in the middle of the rope will further strengthen them. This is a decision they will need to make together, with God and lots of prayer.

What’s important is the quality of life they lead; and by quality I’m not referring to socio-economic placement or cash-flow. Is it important that they have time to spend with their child, and with each other? What about living in the suburbs vs living in the city? The “slums”, while is does make quality of life harder, does not mean that it will not exist. Children are murder for their shoes in affluent neighbourhoods as well.

There is no simple answer. Only they will know the answer. I’m not sure if religion will have anything to do with it; but I sure know faith will.

I will keep her in my prayers.

Blessings.

 

[CARose]

Sadowa,

I can relate to your question, as it has been an issue which has seperated my husband and myself for quite a while. I graduated with honors and while still single moved quickly in my career. I was in this mode of “successful” when I met my husband and never discussed my desire to be a stay at home mom when we were courting. After our child was born, I was hesitant to let the strength of my desire to be there for our daughter be known, especially in light of his strong desire for me to continue in my career.

Finally, when our daughter was 4 1/2, I stepped off the treadmill and took some time off. I couldn’t have told you in any coherant way why I’d stopped working, but I knew I needed to be there for our daughter, even if my husband didn’t agree.

That was eight years ago. We’ve encountered financial difficulties and unfortunately we still don’t see eye to eye on my not working, but I know that our daughter is a better person as a result of my being there for her. She’s 13 yrs old and occationally goes with me to Eucharistic Adoration, attends daily mass with me nearly every day in the summer, and has a love for Christ that I know she gets from me, as my husband is a non-believer.

However, in my case, since my husband is so strongly opposed to my not working (the opposite of the situation with your friend, I know, as she is the one who wants to work) I am now about to accept a job position which will allow me to work locally (I previously traveled), part time and for the Church. It will be paying poverty level wage, but after discussing it with my husband, I believe it will help him to feel that I’m contributing.

So, what do I suggest for your friend? Personally, l found that life is short, and you only get to raise your child once. Their childhood is a precious gift which is only given once. Once they have grown, then you can go to work full time, pursuing a career. They started their family early so she can always get a job when the children are grown.

Also, I think that by early on working and bringing home a large paycheck, I undermined my husbands masculinity and his willingness to accept his responsibility towards his family. Once this has been shirked, it’s hard to get it back.

God bless and good luck,

CARose

 

[mumto5]

I can only offer my own experience as I had my first child while my husband and myself were students. I was married at 18 so we started young although I had gone to university ahead of my peers so had a bit more under my belt than the average 18 year old. My husband was 24 and doing his PhD. When I was pregnant, I planned to return to part-time study but for various reasons, this became very difficult. Baby had some health problems and childcare was too expensive. My husband was a new graduate and we were broke. He had just taken up his first position at the university and so when the creche found out, they decided to charge us staff rates, not student rates, so it was too big a burden.

12 years on, I’m homeschooling five children and just don’t have the time to study. My husband has charged ahead in his career as one of the country’s top scientists and is earning $160,000 a year. Sometimes it’s been hard to see this, even though it’s a choice I made, as, if I may say it, I am an intelligent woman and had great career prospects myself. Now all I have is an unfinished degree at the age of 32.

That said, I almost died birthing my last baby - came to a hairs breadth away - and after that I knew that if I died tomorrow, all the degrees, qualifications and money in the world wouldn’t have made up for what I’s have lost by not being there with my children. Had I died, I know I would have no regrets about the choices I made in life and my parenting career. All I have seen and been through with my kids, all their milestones, al the laughs and activities with them are what really matters.

On a practical side, I know if I was desperate I could be qualified in two years so not all is lost. I can always have a secular career or study later, but my children will not always be there. They are growing up all too fast and I know I will have the first one leaving home before I know it.

Like your friend, we had years of struggle in the beginning, especially financially, but we got through and now are doing quite ok. It’s been a long haul though. It’s hard starting young, with no money or assets, and a baby. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like.

I believe it’s up to the husband and wife to decide who will play what role in the marriage. If your friend feels the need to work, then she needs to discuss this with her husband. Flexibility is needed here and maybe the husband will need to get a less changable job. The mother may want to work part-time in order to meet expenses a little better and build her own career. There is no right or wrong answer really, and there are more stay at home dads than there used to be so the at home parent doesn’t have to be the mother.

It’s a tough one but really only an issue the couple can work out. They need to count the costs and benefits of each decision and decide, ultimately, what their own priorities are.

 

[sadowa]

I thought I should focus this thread I started a bit more. While it is true my friend has always asserted a desire to succeed in academics and industry, she was willing to sacrifice a lot for family. The problem is her husband entered the military, then short cutted that career, now he goes from guard job to guard job. At the same time she has earned a high “A” average in computer science. She has waited tables in apalling joints where you get stiffed for tips, he watches their child. Yet he hasn’t taken a step towards a new career to get them out of a housing project where your five year old starts getting robbed for his lunch money. A place where fighting and sex are challenges for twelve year olds. I beg to differ with the one poster. While these destuctive family elements are everywhere, they thrive in poverty. I have taught in enough diffeernt places to experience the difference. She is thouroghly frightened of where they can afford to live.

Which leads me to having given her food money because the food stamps were not enough. Here consideration of who should have the career job is also one of who can best pay the bills. She has a husband who was raised to want to be the bread winner, but can’t place it on the table.

This does not lead her to bear the cross well. His obstinate behavior has them deep in debt finding it hard to put food on the table. I might add in his free time, instead of going to school, he wants to drink beer and be out with the guys. He feels he can do this with his work buddies because they put in a hard days work.

This leads me to believe that a lot of this"Let me take care of you because I am the man" is really a cover for wanting to have your cake and eat it too. This young man is not taking any real steps towards providing for his family in the fiscal sense. It is noble he changes diapers and loves and dotes on his son. They agree on that. What she fears is her son will go hungry or be beaten and hurt in the environment they live in. She has the job skills to do soemthing about this now. He doesn’t.

Sincerely,
sadowa

 

[dwc]

Sadowa, I honestly don’t see a dilemna here. She can support the family, he won’t. If her husband wants to be the breadwinner, he needs to quit hanging out with friends, drinking beer and sitting on his butt and find a job that allows them to live somewhere safe or go back to school or job training. He’s not setting an appropriate example for their child by wallowing in poverty and holding his wife back from her potential. His actions don’t leave her much of a choice unless she wants to raise her child in a poverty stricken environment and I’ve been a prosecutor for 15 years and agree with you that the destructive forces ARE more concentrated in poverty stricken areas such as housing projects.

Why should she hesitate to make a better life for herself and her child just because it might hurt her husband’s self esteem? It’s not like he’s making an effort to earn the respect he wants. That sounds harsh, I know, but he’s emotionally blackmailing her by insisting that she allow him to take care of her and their child, and then refusing to do his very best to take care of them. It’s not as if she’s complaining about not having luxuries – he’s not even providing the basic food on the table.

To answer the general question of who should have the major career in the marriage, I believe the one with the greatest aptitude for their career should. From what I’ve observed and my own personal experience, before children it’s possible for both man and woman to be equally devoted to their careers. Once the babies come, something has to give and most of the time the woman chooses to quit or cut back on her work in order to take care of the babies. I do have some married Catholic friends who chose the opposite course. In these cases the woman enjoyed her career more, had invested more time in it and earned more than the man. The men chose to cut their hours to be home a lot more and they’re really good at it.

 

[goravens]

With their situation, it sounds like the best thing is to figure out whomever can get the best-paying work while the other works at home by taking care of their child. If you’re living in poverty and have an opportunity to get a little ahead, it seems silly not to take it simply because that opportunity might lie with the wife. That’s my practical opinion. Their child would still be well taken care of by one parent which is an ideal situation, so that’s not an issue.

My husband and I don’t have children yet, but we’ve talked about the possibility of having him job share and stay home with our children while I flex my schedule to cover the times he’s working. I would keep my full-time job because it has considerably more earning power than his field. We’d both love to stay home with our children; I think we have to look at it from a perspective of prudence that our children are being well taken care of physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. For us that decision may be having the “non-traditional” spouse stay at home more, and I think that’s okay because it’s in the best interests of our family overall.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Whoever can bring home the biggest amount of bacon. Even if that means a daddy is staying home and raising the kids.