Who would you date -- what about contraception?

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Hi everyone,

In a recent poll on this forum, almost 50% of the poll respondents said that they would date a non-Catholic.

I have a question for these 50%: what are you planning to do about contraception if you get married? It seems to me that the chances of a non-Catholic agreeing to avoid contraception are rather low.

Personally, I would only date Catholics for these reasons.

Enjoy!
 
I think the more important point is to date someone who has the values and morals that you want in a spouse. You have to be careful not to get caught up in the “I’d only date a Catholic” mentality.

We can all find plenty of examples of “Catholics” who don’t accept the Church’s teachings on basic moral principles like contraception. I would personally rather marry a person who has those beliefs and values that I hold dear instead of the label of Catholic if they really aren’t.

I was not Catholic when my husband (who is) met me. He took a big risk in marrying me (not one I would recommend) but it all turned out for the best. Now that I look back, I think I already was Catholic… I just didn’t know it yet.

But one of my friends from high school would have been the perfect “match” for my hubby on paper.

*born and raised Catholic
*wanted to stay at home with lots of kids
*went to Mass and Catholic school…

you get the picture. But if my hubby had chosen a woman like her based on that alone, he would be miserable right now. There would be major disagreements on things like contraception, for example.

Be careful not to judge a book by it’s cover only. Dating is a time to read the inside and see if you like the story.

Malia
 
Becareful about shutting your self off to God’s will. Be open to who He picks for you as He knows what He is doing and has reasons beyond what we see.

Your plan may be to date a devout Catholic, but God’s may be for you to fall in love with someelse to be a beacon for them.

AS for the contraception, it is always God’s will that we do not use contraception.
 
I have to agree with the above replies. When I met my husband, I had had a year of miserable dating experiences with “only Catholic guys.” These were people who went to Mass weekly, even confession, and yet were willing to fudge on everything from chastity to contraception to drug use. As a convert, I must say that I have never received such pressure for premarital sex as I did from so-called “Catholic” men.

When I met my husband, he thought both premarital sex and contraception were OK. He also believed, unlike many others I dated, in respecting my wishes absolutely and without complaints or pressure. It wasn’t his beliefs that ultimately counted; it was his actions. Because he honored the things I valued, we were able to wait until our wedding night and then had the adventure of learning NFP together. Now it is he who encourages me when NFP gets tough. Now he’s the one suggesting we go to adoration and confession.

Don’t marry someone just because of his self-imposed religious label. Marry the person, and make sure he or she loves, honors and respects you and your deepest desires for holiness.
 
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maendem:
I have to agree with the above replies. When I met my husband, I had had a year of miserable dating experiences with “only Catholic guys.” These were people who went to Mass weekly, even confession, and yet were willing to fudge on everything from chastity to contraception to drug use. As a convert, I must say that I have never received such pressure for premarital sex as I did from so-called “Catholic” men.
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I have found this also. Best thing to do is pray and wait and God will deliver as He sees fit.
 
IF I was single or suddenly single again, I would only date a Catholic Man, and I would be very picky too. I really do believe in “DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED”. IMO, this pertains to religion, not color or race. However, as JRABS said, we do need to be mindful as to who God might bring into our life. It could be a non-Catholic, a Christian, yes, but as a general rule, I would prefer to date only a Catholic of course, as I’ve lived and been married for quite some time, I know now to seek out someone with the same religious preferences and how important it IS!!! Especially if it was the 2nd time around!!! LOL.

And NO, I would not do contraception at all. It’s playing God.!!!
 
I will concur with what others have said, that “only dating Catholics” doesn’t really guarantee the same stance on contraception, as there are definitely Catholics who don’t follow church teaching on that. And regardless of who it is, hopefully you can have serious discussion of the topic, and have a hope of convincing the person that contraception is not an option. If you can’t have that kind of discussion, and the topic is just totally off the table, then I wouldn’t recommend getting married at that time. Not just because of the specific stance on contraception, but also because the problem solving and conflict resolution skills could use some work.

One of the poll options was pretty interesting - “I would date but wouldn’t marry one” or something like that. I know a lot of people do think this way, but I would also warn against that. I’m of the opinion that you only date someone you would consider marrying. If you get to the point after dating for awhile that this person isn’t right for marriage, then you stop dating them. Dating is not an end unto itself, nor do I think it’s a good idea to go through multiple “serious” or “long-term relationships” (even if sex is not involved) where marriage is not seriously (and I mean seriously) considered.

I would also recommend the book “Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World”, which is written by a Catholic priest (T.G. Morrow?) who has a lot of insight in navigating these issues.
 
I have a question for these 50%: what are you planning to do about contraception if you get married? It seems to me that the chances of a non-Catholic agreeing to avoid contraception are rather low.
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I dated and married an atheist. She is now a Catholic. We don’t use contraception.

I didn’t look at the odds, but married her because of love. 😉
 
On the contrary, my bother married a Catholic. They are divorced now and she has left the Church. I guess calculating the math doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage or Catholic piety.
 
Bobby Jim:
One of the poll options was pretty interesting - “I would date but wouldn’t marry one” or something like that. I know a lot of people do think this way, but I would also warn against that. I’m of the opinion that you only date someone you would consider marrying. If you get to the point after dating for awhile that this person isn’t right for marriage, then you stop dating them. Dating is not an end unto itself, nor do I think it’s a good idea to go through multiple “serious” or “long-term relationships” (even if sex is not involved) where marriage is not seriously (and I mean seriously) considered…
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Well I am an old geezer now, and my kids are almost all married off now, but not all of them. My Mother always told my sister and brother and I,“Do not date someone that you do not want to marry.” She said,“Dating is not for entertainment and for good times. It is for evaluating potential candidates. Since you WILL marry one of those you date, choose your dates wisely.” I think all of this was advice given with the assumption that young folks hung around as singles with a crowd and that sooner or later some would pair off after having observed and gotten to know someone in the crowd. I am not sure that it works that way anymore, as my kids were being pressured to “go steady” before they were barely out of diapers and training pants. We did have one family rule and that was “No dating before 16 and until you are eighteen, you will not date anyone twice in a row.” So much for having a “steady.” By and large all six pretty much honored the rule and today I have some delightful daughter-in-laws only two of which are Catholic.
 
i married a non-catholic protestant, i didn’t practice contraception, she did, her free will right to do as she pleases… her faith had no problem with contraception… at the time (per my priest), we were ok, i could not and should not force her to do otherwise… nothing wrong with some negotiations, but, her faith had no issue with it and that was between her and God…
 
The contraception thing is one of my non-negotiables. I would consider marrying a non-Catholic, but she’d still have to be Christian, would have to practice NFP with me, and the kids would have to be Catholic. No exceptions.
 
Thank goodness my wife took a chance on this back sliding Methodist…she is my sponsor in RCIA right now! 😃
 
I am Catholic. My wife is Jewish. We use the Billings Mucus Method. It’s wonderful.
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I think the more important point is to date someone who has the values and morals that you want in a spouse. You have to be careful not to get caught up in the “I’d only date a Catholic” mentality.

We can all find plenty of examples of “Catholics” who don’t accept the Church’s teachings on basic moral principles like contraception. I would personally rather marry a person who has those beliefs and values that I hold dear instead of the label of Catholic if they really aren’t.

I was not Catholic when my husband (who is) met me. He took a big risk in marrying me (not one I would recommend) but it all turned out for the best. Now that I look back, I think I already was Catholic… I just didn’t know it yet.

But one of my friends from high school would have been the perfect “match” for my hubby on paper.

*born and raised Catholic
*wanted to stay at home with lots of kids
*went to Mass and Catholic school…

you get the picture. But if my hubby had chosen a woman like her based on that alone, he would be miserable right now. There would be major disagreements on things like contraception, for example.

Be careful not to judge a book by it’s cover only. Dating is a time to read the inside and see if you like the story.

Malia
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I understand all that you are saying here. With that said, I have to say I respectfully disagree. If I am correct in interpreting your post. I would say you say the following:
  1. Not all Catholics follow the morals of the Church
  2. Many non-Catholics have higher morals than Catholics
  3. Thus, a non-Catholic CAN be a better match.
whereas I would say:
  1. Not all Catholics follow the morals of the Church
  2. However, 100% of non-Catholics DO NOT believe in
    all the doctrines of the Church
  3. Thus, a non-Catholic cannot be a better match than
    a PRACTICING Catholic.
I believe, first of all, that we must choose a spouse from those who believe in all that the Catholic Church teaches. This is the only way we can securely teach the faith to our children. And belief in all the Church’s doctrines should take precendence over morals. It is from the Church herself, which parrots the teaching of Christ, that we draw our morals from.

Just because a non-Catholic has matching morals does not mean they will have matching beliefs. Whle there may be no tension with morals, there can be major tension with beliefs. Furthmore, Catholics are called to pass on the Faith, first and foremost to their Children… in a multi-faith home, studies have proven that Children tend to loose their faith in at older ages. The division breeds confusion that manifests itself in agnosticism later in life or even atheism. This is not to say all kids in multi-faith homes will end up agnostic/atheist… but it is a big risk to take with children… with a soul.

We are called to further the kingdom of God on earth. What better way to do it than to find a good Catholic spouse and raise a good Catholic family.

I understand that you and your husband were different Faiths when you met and you still are. I think it would be best for the children if you were of one Faith. I am impressed and happy that you have been given the Grace to hold a marriage together. May you be together until your dying days. God Bless
 
I married a non-Catholic. We don’t use contraception. At this point, we’re not even using NFP.
 
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SaintIgnatius:
I understand all that you are saying here. With that said, I have to say I respectfully disagree. If I am correct in interpreting your post. I would say you say the following:
  1. Not all Catholics follow the morals of the Church
  2. Many non-Catholics have higher morals than Catholics
  3. Thus, a non-Catholic CAN be a better match.
whereas I would say:
  1. Not all Catholics follow the morals of the Church
  2. However, 100% of non-Catholics DO NOT believe in
    all the doctrines of the Church
  3. Thus, a non-Catholic cannot be a better match than
    a PRACTICING Catholic.
I believe, first of all, that we must choose a spouse from those who believe in all that the Catholic Church teaches. This is the only way we can securely teach the faith to our children. And belief in all the Church’s doctrines should take precendence over morals. It is from the Church herself, which parrots the teaching of Christ, that we draw our morals from.

Just because a non-Catholic has matching morals does not mean they will have matching beliefs. Whle there may be no tension with morals, there can be major tension with beliefs. Furthmore, Catholics are called to pass on the Faith, first and foremost to their Children… in a multi-faith home, studies have proven that Children tend to loose their faith in at older ages. The division breeds confusion that manifests itself in agnosticism later in life or even atheism. This is not to say all kids in multi-faith homes will end up agnostic/atheist… but it is a big risk to take with children… with a soul.

We are called to further the kingdom of God on earth. What better way to do it than to find a good Catholic spouse and raise a good Catholic family.

I understand that you and your husband were different Faiths when you met and you still are. I think it would be best for the children if you were of one Faith. I am impressed and happy that you have been given the Grace to hold a marriage together. May you be together until your dying days. God Bless
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I agree with your 3 points. Especially #3. Of course a faithful practicing Catholic would be a better match than a non-Catholic.

My only point was to not get trapped in labels. We need to discover who a person ***is ***instead of what they call themselves.

I do not at all advocate interfaith marriages. But I do think it’s ok to date someone not of your faith*** if*** there is hope of conversion. Of course this should be an individual decision.

In the case of my husband and I, it was not an interfaith marriage so much as it was a Catholic/nothing-in-particular marriage. Again, I am not suggesting that this was a good idea. But I did agree upon engagement to raise any future children in the Catholic faith and I fully understood that marriage was a Sacrament.

Now I am in the process of converting… a natural progression of things. It would have been a completely different story if I had a strong belief in a non-Catholic religion. I agree that that is not the best environment to raise Catholic children.

So to reiterate my position:
  1. if you are a faithful practicing Catholic, then you should marry a faithful practicing Catholic
  2. If you are faithful practicing Catholic, do not date or marry someone who only says that they are Catholic… get proof!
3)if you are a faithful practicing Catholic and meet a nice person who is not Catholic, take a few dates to see if there is any potential

Malia
 
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