Why am I so offended by this guy?

[the_phoenix]

Another example where I have been bothered by him was on the subject of youth groups. I attended one once and was really turned-off by the happy-clappy music/spirituality they employ, whereas another youth group that was more traditional and which has a higher median age was more my style and I liked it. I have mixed feelings on going back to the first group but would gladly attend the second group. When I mentioned this to him he responded by saying that “I should go to the [first group], they are so joyful and so on fire for Christ and it’ll grow on me” and this too offended me. Again, it was just a suggestion, nothing more, and really shouldn’t offend me. I’m reluctant to go back to the first group but I would gladly visit the second one again if it fits my schedule. So why did his suggestion offend me?

What are your thoughts? (although I should really mention this to my spiritual director when I meet next).

Here are a couple of ways I might respond to your possibly passive-aggressive “friend” and his invitation for you to attend the happy-clappy youth group:

1. Sure I’ll go … right after you attend the Latin Mass with me!
2. Sure I’ll go … when are you picking me up? Seeing how you’re so enthusiastic that I should go, so should you.
3. Hey, let’s go out for coffee now … You should treat since we’re such good friends.

• evil, emfi grin *

Note: “Emfi” is a word I made up in my college days during an infamous game of Babel Scrabble …

Anyways, at this point in my life, I don’t let people like your friend bother me.

 

[Ryzeke]

Hopefully this’ll help; I AM that problem solver type of guy. I myself am a little more evangelical in my faith. But, part of that is because I’m a recent convert (Easter 2010!). And I’ve come to terms with my past, and I embrace it. But I’ve also noticed that my mindset has been changing since converting. I wanted to help people allll the time, and I still do. I’m a problem solver and I have a very analytical mind. Often times I say ‘should’ to people when I’m trying to share an experience I had in something.

The root of why I say ‘should’ is because I have personal experience with it. When I say “You should listen to Pink Floyd; you’ll like them.” What I’m really saying is “I like Pink Floyd, and because I’m connecting with you, I think you might like them too.”

I don’t mean anything personal when I say ‘should’, it’s just that I have a different type of communication. I don’t want to press on you my own likes and dislikes; it’s just that I want you to share that part of my life. I’m trying to make a human connection.

I also wanted to add that for me, communication is 100% listening. Listen to yourself! Especially before you speak. Understand what you’re going to say and how it might be perceived.

See, that last paragraph was almost entirely ‘telling’ you what you ‘should’ do. But ultimately, I say these things due to my own experiences and see how much good they’ve done for me. And from what I’ve read from your original post, it sounds like you have a problem, and I genuinely want to help you. So I offer up my own experiences and say ‘should’. Boy, I hope this all makes sense

 

[cecilia97]

See, that last paragraph was almost entirely ‘telling’ you what you ‘should’ do. But ultimately, I say these things due to my own experiences and see how much good they’ve done for me. And from what I’ve read from your original post, it sounds like you have a problem, and I genuinely want to help you. So I offer up my own experiences and say ‘should’. Boy, I hope this all makes sense

Very nice, Ryzeke. As a sensitive, artsy type from a family of engineers, who lives near NASA and is friends with many engineers in the space, chemical, and energy industries and who even went to a university famous for engineering…please let me give you a little piece of friendly advice which you may accept or reject. Maybe try it and think of it as an experiment: replace your word “should” with the word “please” for one week and notice how people react differently to you in conversation.

While you problem-solver types know what you mean when you say it, us free-spirit types hear shades of mom, dad, and our 10th grade history teacher talking to us like we’re still children. It makes us want to run away from you, and then we don’t get the MANY benefits of your smart company.

God bless you!

 

[Ryzeke]

Very nice, Ryzeke. As a sensitive, artsy type from a family of engineers, who lives near NASA and is friends with many engineers in the space, chemical, and energy industries and who even went to a university famous for engineering…please let me give you a little piece of friendly advice which you may accept or reject. Maybe try it and think of it as an experiment: replace your word “should” with the word “please” for one week and notice how people react differently to you in conversation.

While you problem-solver types know what you mean when you say it, us free-spirit types hear shades of mom, dad, and our 10th grade history teacher talking to us like we’re still children. It makes us want to run away from you, and then we don’t get the MANY benefits of your smart company.

God bless you!

You wanna know the funny thing? I was actually a music major for several years before switching to computer engineering. My entire upbringing was very sensitive and artsy. I was also really involved with photography, drawing, and dance.

I will certainly try your suggestion if you think it’ll help!

But for dealing with us problem-solver types; when talking with us and you say “I have a really hard test coming up.” A common response from people like myself would be “You should go study for it then.” Don’t take it personally, it’s just me saying “I sympathize with you, and even if I don’t know your situation, I would study for it.” We’re not really ‘telling’ you to do anything, we’re just sympathizing by wanting to help and offering a suggestion.

 

[cecilia97]

You wanna know the funny thing? I was actually a music major for several years before switching to computer engineering. My entire upbringing was very sensitive and artsy. I was also really involved with photography, drawing, and dance.

I will certainly try your suggestion if you think it’ll help!

But for dealing with us problem-solver types; when talking with us and you say “I have a really hard test coming up.” A common response from people like myself would be “You should go study for it then.” Don’t take it personally, it’s just me saying “I sympathize with you, and even if I don’t know your situation, I would study for it.” We’re not really ‘telling’ you to do anything, we’re just sympathizing by wanting to help and offering a suggestion.

I’m a musician who was once a computer programmer…it’s the same side of the brain. You sound whole-brained like me.

My father, grandfathers, ex-husband, and half my closest girlfriends are engineers. I know better than to take them my worries unless I just want possible solutions brain-stormed. Or I’ll often tell them “thanks, but I don’t need suggestions right now”. But the problem-solvers in my life miss out on a lot of the good stuff because of that very fact. This is a problem I see with personality “typing”; knowing how we are is an invitation to be flexible with others, not to plant our feet and say “well, that’s just how I am”.

Frankly, I can’t tell if the person described in the OP is a problem-solver or just opinionated and a little pushy. But I’m glad the poster got lots of good advice to just let it slide. Everybody in the situation could learn something that way, and the OP would be contributing to peace between the types.

 

[purplesunshine]

It sound like you have a good old-fashioned case of the jelousies.

This guy is practically you except for he knows what he likes and is happy to express it to others in a way that makes them (you) doubt themselves.

You may never be able to go around lauding Gregorian chant or have the confidence to tell someone that it will grow on you.

He’s able to do something you’re not. so

A) decide to be bold and teach yourself to be assertive
B) decide you are happy being quiet
C) curl up into a ball in a padded white room and ask for the people with the nice pointy shots to be your friend

 

[Norseman82]

Instead of posting our personal differences on a Catholic forum, why don’t you just listen to me and do as I advised you to?

(that was a joke - I never met this guy!)

Seriously, sometimes people get offended by the stupidest of things.

Did you solicit advice from this person? If so, don’t be offended if he gives you advice. If, however, he is pushy and won’t leave you alone and is overcontrolling, sometimes you just need to tell people to “BACK OFF” or avoid them.

 

[Middleman]

Instead of posting our personal differences on a Catholic forum, why don’t you just listen to me and do as I advised you to?

(that was a joke - I never met this guy!)

Seriously, sometimes people get offended by the stupidest of things.

Did you solicit advice from this person? If so, don’t be offended if he gives you advice. If, however, he is pushy and won’t leave you alone and is overcontrolling, sometimes you just need to tell people to “BACK OFF” or avoid them.

You make a good point actually. There’s probably a good chance that this young man has checked out this site and might come across this thread. It’s a smaller world than you might think.

 

[mark_a]

This statement:

He had suggested that I should. . . .

and this one:

. . . .he responded by saying that "I should go to the [first group],

Lead me to think he might just be a boob.

“You should” is just an aweful way to try to get anyone to do what you want.

 

[CarrieH]

I think that some people, when they hear “you should,” hear an unspoken “I know better than you do.” Your situation reminds me of the dynamic between a close friend of mine and her oldest sister. Big Sis is a “you should”-type, always telling everyone else how to live their lives, manage their money, raise their children, etc., yet Sis’s own life is a mess! It drives my friend absolutely nuts…but my friend likes to be “right” as well, so she and Big Sis are often butting heads about things, and she usually comes away with hurt feelings because Sis is so stubborn and pushy and won’t consider anyone else’s views but her own. I think that if my friend didn’t care so much about defending her own viewpoint and would just blow off Big Sis’s comments, it would take the wind out of Sis’ sails and they would probably get along better. My friend can only change herself and how she chooses to react to her pushy sister, but she cannot change her sister’s behavior. And the same goes for you, OP – this guy is going to give you the “you should” treatment because that is who he is and how he communicates. It’s up to you to decide whether to learn to accept him as he is, or to go on your way in peace and leave him in God’s hands. Good luck and God bless.

 

[whatevergirl]

We don’t have to like everyone we come across. We just have to love them like ourselves.

This is a beautiful way of looking at life, and friendships. Thanks for saying it.

 

[cmscms]

And other things like this often happen when I am speaking to this guy. I can’t explain why but many of the things he says and tells me offend me and I really don’t think I should be offended…if I don’t want to do/like something someone suggests to me I don’t have to do it/like it. This doesn’t really happen with anyone else except this one guy. .

Let me first give an example to prove my point. I am a woman and I am out with a guy having coffee. A second man (who I never met before) walks by me and makes a rude comment to me. My guy friend laughs because he thinks it is funny. In the back of my mind I say ‘Of course he is going to laugh, men just don’t understand’ and I forget about it

Let’s say however, I am out with a friend that is a girl. And a stranger makes a rude comment to me and the girl laughs TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY. In the back of my mind I am thinking ‘How could a woman who knows what it feels like laugh like that. She should understand I was humiliated’ and I forget about ever going for coffee with this girl again.

Is it possible that in the back of your mind, since he is a devout Catholic you expect him to understand you more? When your non-Catholic friends tell you what to do, you don’t expect THEM to understand the conflict with your religion so you let it go. But maybe when it comes from someone who ‘should know ho you feel’ it hurts more?

Just food for though

CM

 

[PatriceA]

Let me first give an example to prove my point. I am a woman and I am out with a guy having coffee. A second man (who I never met before) walks by me and makes a rude comment to me. My guy friend laughs because he thinks it is funny. In the back of my mind I say ‘Of course he is going to laugh, men just don’t understand’ and I forget about it

Let’s say however, I am out with a friend that is a girl. And a stranger makes a rude comment to me and the girl laughs TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY. In the back of my mind I am thinking ‘How could a woman who knows what it feels like laugh like that. She should understand I was humiliated’ and I forget about ever going for coffee with this girl again.

Is it possible that in the back of your mind, since he is a devout Catholic you expect him to understand you more? When your non-Catholic friends tell you what to do, you don’t expect THEM to understand the conflict with your religion so you let it go. But maybe when it comes from someone who ‘should know ho you feel’ it hurts more?

Just food for though

CM

If it was me and one of my male friends laughed at a rude comment made to me by a stranger, I’d be finding new male friends. The excuse that he’s male and of course he’d laugh, it inexcusable.

I think in the OP’s situation that its more of a personality conflict, nothing to do with expecting this guy to understand her more just because he’s a devout Catholic. From what she’s described, they could be talking about blue vs. black pens and if the OP said she liked black, this guy would still say she should really like the blue pen. Its a matter of him insisting his opinion is superior to her likes.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

If it was me and one of my male friends laughed at a rude comment made to me by a stranger, I’d be finding new male friends. The excuse that he’s male and of course he’d laugh, it inexcusable.

I think in the OP’s situation that its more of a personality conflict, nothing to do with expecting this guy to understand her more just because he’s a devout Catholic. From what she’s described, they could be talking about blue vs. black pens and if the OP said she liked black, this guy would still say she should really like the blue pen. Its a matter of him insisting his opinion is superior to her likes.

That makes sense. And just for clarification I’m a guy

 

[flyingfish]

My guess would be testosterone You’ve said you feel threatened by this guy. Maybe he is outgoing, popular, and has leadership qualities? He is trying to be the alpha male and lead the people around him.

Maybe he is somewhat condescending to you in suggesting that you should do this and that.

I think it’s your male nature telling you to compete with him for the top spot, or at least not submit to him and acknowledge his superiority over you.