Why can't I believe?

[Absolution]

For at least the past two years I’ve been at a point where I just don’t believe.

It’s understandable that you’re focusing on the things you don’t believe, the things you have difficulty with. I tend to do the same. But if I may ask, what do you believe, in your heart of hearts, for sure? No matter how small this may be compared to the total teachings of the Church, this is your starting point, the seed of your faith. Rather than tear your faith down by concentrating on what you don’t believe, or don’t understand, nurture and encourage the growth of this seed.

Does your church have an RCIA program? I’m currently in my church’s RCIA, and there is one person taking the class who has been in the church for quite a while but wanted a “refresher course,” so she enrolled in RCIA again. Maybe this would help you to nurture that seed of faith?

 

[Absolution]

What I liked about him, and why he made me want to come into the church, was because he wasn’t about dogma, he was first and foremost about trying to live like Jesus. Everything about him shined because of his faith that seemed to glow from within. You couldn’t help but be filled with joy when you were around him, because you could tell that he really believed.

I know what you mean. There is something really special about a priest who truly reflects the love of Jesus; it’s a real encouragement. But maybe God is using this time to challenge you. He knows you loved your first priest, and that’s a wonderful thing, but now your challenge is to find that love in God Himself. It’s the same love you responded to with your first priest – as you noted yourself – you were drawn to your first priest specifically because he tried to live like Jesus. So Jesus is already your standard for love.

It sounds to me like you love Jesus and that your problem with the current priest is that you don’t feel that he reflects that love. So maybe you need to find it elsewhere. I don’t mean go to another church. But you can develop your own relationship with Jesus that’s not dependent on who your priest is. It seems that Mary and/or other saints help a lot of Catholics in their relationship with Jesus. Personally, I’m not there yet, probably because most of my Christian experience has been Protestant. Two things that have helped me so far on my Catholic faith journey are Father Robert Barron’s You Tube videos, and G.K. Chesterson’s writings (start with Orthodoxy, free on Kindle). These two men radiate God’s love – at least to me – and provide a solid intellectual foundation for faith.

 

[Jaysuitical]

This is my first post, I’m sorry for not posting an introduction first. I also debated between posting in this forum vs. apologetics, but I’m not really sure where it should have been posted.

Long and short of it is that I converted with my husband and kids about 5 years ago. I really enjoyed the conversion process, although I had a lot of doubts along the way. The priest at the parish I joined was really amazing and in all honesty he was part of why I converted. I had bad experiences with church as a kid; I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and saw so many pastors who were completely fake and hypocritical, and the other people at church seemed to be the same.

When I converted I didn’t realize that it was a Catholic “thing” not to keep priests in the same parish and I took it really hard when they moved him. Since the time I joined there have been 4 priests in my parish; they have brought in a new one nearly every year. I understand that as Catholics we’re supposed to view all priests as interchangeable but for me they have not been. Every priest in my parish since that first one has seemed to be going through the motions.

The priest shuffle kind of took off whatever rosy glow I had toward the church and it has only magnified my doubts. For at least the past two years I’ve been at a point where I just don’t believe. I read all the apologetics explaining why the church believes what it does and honestly I find so much of it unconvincing. I have prayed and prayed that God would help me believe and nothing happens. I would say this was just a dark night of the soul but it has been consistent for nearly two years now. It’s not getting better.

I’ve talked to a priest about it; he said to pray more and read biographies of certain saints. But how do I explain that I am not sure I even buy the existence of saints, or that we’re supposed to pray to them? I’ve talked to my husband, who is extremely devout, and he suggested I pray to Mary. How do I explain that I’m not sure we’re supposed to pray to Mary either? I’ve read all the apologetics about why Catholics think we should pray to Mary for intercession and the evidence seems really weak to me. My husband also said that I should go to Mass more, but even though I know the Eucharist is supposed to become the literal body and blood of Christ, I honestly can’t believe it is. It’s like my intellect won’t let me, and that really frustrates me.

I don’t know if anyone can help me here. I have been literally begging God to increase my faith for almost two years and it just keeps getting worse. I really don’t feel like I believe this religion, I feel very well versed in the apologetics and the more I study it, the less I believe. Originally I thought the problem was just that I was broken hearted about them taking away the priest I loved and disgusted with the way it revealed the politics within the structure of the church. And while those are issues, I think it was more likely that once they took away the charismatic priest I loved, it took off the blinders and allowed me to see that this wasn’t really a good religious fit for me. I don’t ever feel anything when I go to Mass; I am literally going through the motions. Every time, for two years. I pray before Mass, during Mass, etc that I will feel anything at all, and nothing ever happens.

At the same time, because my husband is Catholic, I would really like it if we could practice the same faith. Is there any way at all that I can make myself believe? I have been trying and trying and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall here. I want to believe and I just can’t. Why wouldn’t God help me to believe in him if I’m so desperate? well, I should change that: I believe in God. But I am really struggling to believe that the Catholic church is the only way to believe in God. Is there a way to force yourself?

The Church herself doesn't say that the Catholic Church is "the only way to believe in God". It seems that in your description of your experience, you were seeing a sample of gentleness and wisdom that particularly roused your soul, embodied in this particular priest.

Priests themselves are at different places in their spiritual lives; and in a time when priests are scarce and there are so many claims on them, this is an aspect that often becomes neglected. A priest who seems to go through the motions may need your prayers far more than you need his.

The priest who advised you to read certain saints’ lives may not have been doing so to prompt you to pray to them, but to allow you to say that they had struggles not too different from yours. The saints are simply the ones who graduated, so to speak, and their help may not be one that you experience by conscious intercession.

Read about the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, which are so different from the charismatic manifestations that were emphasized by the church you grew up in. Our own intense desperation is sometimes the cause for our difficulties; we kick up a great deal of dust, and then try to grab hold of the dust. If you can, find a way to be still, and not to ask questions at all. Lean entirely on Jesus without asking for resolutions, and seek the illumination of the Holy Spirit, and ignore apologetics altogether.

 

[wandering75]

Thanks for all of the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone. The point to avoid apologetics is probably a very good one, because I’ve noticed that apologetics often make me really angry for some reason. It’s like people having a p*ssing match over who’s right and that’s a huge turn-off for me.

I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to at least talk to the original priest who brought me into the church. He was so gentle and I think he would know what to say if I were to tell him how much I was struggling. I think I would cry to be in his presence again, but if anyone could help me it might be him. I know that once I went to attend Mass in the parish he was transferred to and I cried the whole time. Dumb, huh?

He has since been promoted to Vicar General, so I guess what I’m wondering is if the Vicar General is too busy with more important duties or if he would be able to take time to speak with an ordinary parishioner. I realize I should just call him and see, but I’d appreciate if anyone can fill me in about whether that’s normally in the scope of what the Vicar General does.

 

[Jaysuitical]

Thanks for all of the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone. The point to avoid apologetics is probably a very good one, because I’ve noticed that apologetics often make me really angry for some reason. It’s like people having a p*ssing match over who’s right and that’s a huge turn-off for me.

I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to at least talk to the original priest who brought me into the church. He was so gentle and I think he would know what to say if I were to tell him how much I was struggling. I think I would cry to be in his presence again, but if anyone could help me it might be him. I know that once I went to attend Mass in the parish he was transferred to and I cried the whole time. Dumb, huh?

He has since been promoted to Vicar General, so I guess what I’m wondering is if the Vicar General is too busy with more important duties or if he would be able to take time to speak with an ordinary parishioner. I realize I should just call him and see, but I’d appreciate if anyone can fill me in about whether that’s normally in the scope of what the Vicar General does.

There are no 'ordinary parishioners' -- as the wonderful example of Pope Francis shows, in returning letters or calls to people who are truly in dire need. The first duty of every priest, whatever his official duties, is to the health of souls, as it says in the conclusion to the prayer to Jesus given the children at Fatima, "Lead all souls to Heaven, especially those who have most need of Thy mercy."

 

[In_Training]

Is there any way at all that I can make myself believe? I have been trying and trying and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall here. I want to believe and I just can’t. Why wouldn’t God help me to believe in him if I’m so desperate?

You can’t make yourself believe. I tried it. It feels false.

Here’s some things I figured out since joining CAF. Catholics aren’t perfect as humans and therefore aren’t perfect in their beliefs, either. Devout, maybe, but not perfect. There are a few points in the Bible that most Catholics have the same opinion about, but beyond that, everyone has their own understanding of other details. People are just different - united by the same motivations though not necessarily the same interpretations.

I’ve been all over the place with this. I’ve ripped Catholicism into shreds, have been angry with God for so long, have so many blasphemy charges that a 17th century society would have sentenced me to death had I lived back then. And I would never admit that I was wrong, but looking back on a path of destruction, yeah, I screwed up. But…having faith is about knowing that no matter what you do or how you feel, or what kind of person you turn out to be, God won’t leave you. I do a lot of stupid things, and I’m sorry. For some reason I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt over the last few years. My friend says I’m in purgatory…that actually just reminded me to shove his face in the dirt at work tomorrow.

It’s not about being the best Christian in the world. I know I suck at it. For me, it’s knowing the improvement can happen if I want it to. The beliefs I have trouble with now, I’ll gain perspective and understand more in time. I know that’s probably stupid, but I have faith that it can happen, because I feel like God will stay with me, even when I don’t want him there.

I don’t know if that helps, and probably a lot of other Catholics will yell at me for saying that faith in God is more important than literal belief in a book or current church practices. Ultimately, God knows what you want and will give you the strength to be who you want to be. Sometimes we’re just afraid to admit that we have that strength. :imsorry:

PS: Unlike some of my other posts, I just wrote an entire post without cursing once…there IS a God! :yeah_me: See, all about faith.